DH not telling me he's planning to leave DC at home alone

[NoTheyAreNotTeenagers]

I started an evening course which DH suggested and is 100% behind. The DC used to have a sports club, so I dropped them off, went to my course and DH picked them up. They've stopped that sports club for the summer so I've been taking the 530pm bus on the understanding that DH will be home on the 546pm bus. DC are happy with this, I turn on the tv before I go and they sit and watch until DH is home.
They are allowed tv 5-6pm anyway and generally don't move until we call them for their food.

I just texted him to remind him I'm at my course this week and he replied saying he would most likely be late home and arriving at 620pm.

AIBU to be mightily pissed off with him not telling me in advance? I could have arranged something, but now there's no one I can ask at such sort notice. The next bus leaves after my course starts. He says he spoke to the DC about it last time and they are ok with being left alone until he's there. He thinks I'm babying them (I wouldn't leave them to get themselves alone to school when I had a hospital appointment, took them to a friend's house) and they will be fine. I'm on edge as I think they're too young, 7 and 9.

I would never leave children of that age home alone, whether it’s five minutes or an hour. Far too risky and puts too much responsibility on their shoulders.

Ok so nearly 10 and 7.5, no question, I would (and indeed have) left them for 20 minutes, assuming they get on well and are sensible - mine do and are, and have someone to call on in an emergency (mine did and yours do). No matter what people may say on here, it's well within the bounds on responsible parenting. As for someone mentioning meningitis, wtf?! If you seriously worry that a child is going to go from fully well to dying of meningitis in 20 minutes, then you need to drastically rethink your risk calculations.

(ok sorry just saw the meningitis comment was responding to the dad out for a few hours, not the OP. phew!)

lorit you're also making assumptions. I have never assumed that my neighbours would offer childcare. The only assumption I have made is that my neighbours are decent people who would help two kids in an emergency and that would also count if I fell off the step-ladder whilst doing the bi-annual cleaning the tops of the cupboards and knocked myself out.

In fact, all of our 4 closest neighbours and one on the ground floor have said to ask if we need helping out because they know we have no family around.

I don't think the youngest would be happy being left for longer than 30mins.

"I've asked our 4 direct neighbours before "

Yes, but only after they offered. I've never asked the neighbours who've never offered.

I also live in a block of flats.
The rubbish room is on the bottom floor of the building but you physically have to exit the building to get to the door to it.
I make my children come with me or wait until my partner can go.

Do you realise if you arrive back and there is a fire you will be stopped from re-entering the building. It will then be over to your children to realise there is a fire and find their way out alone.
And the fact you are in a block of flats the reality is a lot of people in the block probably smoke.

It’s considered completely acceptable in some perfectly advanced and functioning societies which simply serves to tell you that there may be a case for expecting more of our British kids from a younger age. I don’t agree with all the posters here that it’s unacceptable. I think with a bit of planning and training for the kids it could be perfectly acceptable.

YANBU. I would happily leave my 7 and 9 year old’s for the 15 minutes you were willing to because they’re mature and capable. I would not leave them for an hour.

Agreed happyspud. I'm just thinking of the independence allowed by friends and family on the continent at way younger ages than this and how people on here would have an absolute fit about it! I think it's a pretty dire state of affairs actually that there are people who won't leave their 10, 11 or 12 year olds alone in the house for even 5 minutes. They are really pretty capable in the main and whatever you think might happen to them speaks more about a lack of trust and faulty risk antenna than any genuine threats to their safety. I encounter some of the products of this kind of infantilising parenting through my job and it isn't pretty.

love faulty risk antenna

There are less than 50 cases of meningitis in a year in the 5-9 age bracket and 10-14 age bracket. So the "risk" of going from healthy to dead is minimal.

There are actually loads of benefits to children being given independence that our kids are missing out on because of fear mongering like that.

All the people using relatively far fetched but not completely impossible scenarios as reasons not to leave (phone capable) children alone, here’s a scenario for you.

You go for a walk in a forest park and drop dead from a blood clot leaving your child unattended in a strange place. Do you should never go anywhere that might happen with them right?

To me the most dangerous part of the scenario is leaving them alone together. My DM could never leave my oldest two DBs home alone together at a much older age than that because they didn't get along and would fight like crazy. In fact she left me in charge at around 16 one evening, they would have been 12 and 11 and I had to call the neighbours because they misbehaved. The neighbours had been primed that I might ask them.

They're both now very responsible adults in their 50s with families of their own.

Of course, judge judy, that is your brothers, and not the OP's DC. Which is why there are no set guidelines saying you can leave your child /children from x age. Every situation will be different and I imagine in the majority of cases its the parents who are best placed to make that call.

Surprisingly, nobody's yet said 'but what happens if you have a car/train accident while you are out?', allowing me to say 'hang on, better out with you in a smashed up car rather than safely at home?'

OP, imagine for a minute your 9yr old is hurt (slips over and bangs head? Drops a glass and cuts themselves? Something truly accidental that doesn't involve messing about or being naughty.) now your 7yr old will have to deal with that. Could they?
Or perhaps there's a emergency in the building. Fire? Would they know what to do? Maybe just a power cut? What would they do?

Now imagine you're on the bus and for a reason like one of the above the police / ambulance service / fire service etc become aware they are alone. Would you be 100% comfortable that it was OK to leave them if you had to explain to the authorities why they were alone?

WeeDangerousSpike going through those scenarios is exactly what you do before you leave them. Of course an average 7.5 year old can know to call a neighbour if there's an accident or get out if they see smoke. You get some 3 year olds managing to call 999 when their parent is out of action! Not many, but by 7 most would be able to. MN has such a critically low opinion of the initiative and intelligence of children.

Yes, they both know what to do in those situations. I do leave them with a water bottle each by the sofa so no need for glasses. Make sure they've had a snack before I go so not tempted to raid anything. Remind them DH will be home in 20 and will get them supper. That they can call me if they need to.

We've also practiced what to do if out and about and there's an accident.

7 most would be able to
and more importantly, most 7 year olds SHOULD be able to. I imagine many can't as they are infantilized by over protective parents

I would be livid. 7 in particular is too young- what if they decide to cook for example? The 9 year old should not be responsible for the younger one-9 is too young for that.

"what if they decide to cook for example?"

Um, they know not to because they don't want to burn the house down or chop their fingers off any more than you do?! I don't know what 7yos you know, but even my 5yo knows not to randomly start doing the cooking. That's why I can fold washing upstairs without undue worry that she'll be busy destroying the house. If your child is prone to random senseless acts and can't follow instructions, clearly you don't leave them alone. But many of us have pretty clued up kids of 7+ who can be trusted to sit quietly and watch TV or read for 20 minutes while you pop out. Trust is kind of the operative word here. We need to trust our kids to make age-appropriate judgements. 'No cooking while mum is out' is definitely within the grasp of most 7yos.

Too young and unpredictable IMO. I didn't leave mine until 10 and that was just 20 minutes max. Now at 12 and hour max. Everyone is different but accidents usually happen when parents say "I didn't think.....". Can a neighbour not help?

“7 is way too young even to be left for the 15 minute gap! ”

So you woundn’t stand in your garden or in the street outside your house talking to a neighbour for 15 mins while a 7 year old was indoors?

The problem is that you are thinking "the older one is 9, that's old enough" - but they are just as likely to have an accident as the younger, leaving a 7yr old on their own to handle an emergency situation.
If your 9yr old tripped on the stairs and was at the bottom, breathing but not moving or awake, what would your 7yr old do? Are you sure? Do they even definitely know how to phone 999? (Lots of Cub Scout first aid badge nights tells me that most 7yr olds say 'you phone the ambulance' but don't know how, or think the number is 911, etc)

This week for the first time ever someone left a tap on and our bathroom completely flooded, water dripping through the ceiling etc. I have no idea what my dc would have done if alone in that scenario. I know you can’t prepare for everything but you want to feel someone on their own is old enough to take charge in an emergency. I have never left my 7 year old alone with his big brother, though I have an event coming up when it would really suit me to do so, so will read people’s responses with interest.