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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH not telling me he's planning to leave DC at home alone

181 replies

NoTheyAreNotTeenagers · 03/06/2019 14:23

I started an evening course which DH suggested and is 100% behind. The DC used to have a sports club, so I dropped them off, went to my course and DH picked them up. They've stopped that sports club for the summer so I've been taking the 530pm bus on the understanding that DH will be home on the 546pm bus. DC are happy with this, I turn on the tv before I go and they sit and watch until DH is home.
They are allowed tv 5-6pm anyway and generally don't move until we call them for their food.

I just texted him to remind him I'm at my course this week and he replied saying he would most likely be late home and arriving at 620pm.

AIBU to be mightily pissed off with him not telling me in advance? I could have arranged something, but now there's no one I can ask at such sort notice. The next bus leaves after my course starts. He says he spoke to the DC about it last time and they are ok with being left alone until he's there. He thinks I'm babying them (I wouldn't leave them to get themselves alone to school when I had a hospital appointment, took them to a friend's house) and they will be fine. I'm on edge as I think they're too young, 7 and 9.

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 03/06/2019 14:46

Sorry but you need to give him a proper head wobble. & is far too young to be left for an hour.

Yes, he should have spoken to you about it first. But you'd hope he would actually think about this himself! Well, he had obviously pre-planned it if he'd spoke to to them about it previously which makes it even worse. Does he not care if they are safe or not?

pentago · 03/06/2019 14:46

Your phone could die. Your husband could get run over.

The question is why would you take that risk? The evening course isn't practical unfortunately if he can't finish work earlier and you don't have a sitter

ImNotHappyaboutitPauline · 03/06/2019 14:47

I don't think the hanging out washing thing compares though. I mean you're still there in the immediate vicinity, you can hear them/call to them. It's not the same and as pps have pointed out public transport isn't always reliable so it could quite easily be longer than the 15/20 mins. I realise it's unlikely anything would happen to them but it's just not something I'd be comfortable with. I'd far prefer to pay a local teen to sit with them for an hour, taking the pressure off you and dh.

poopypants · 03/06/2019 14:47

Is it even legal to leave 7 & 9 year olds alone? At all?

Original poster
NoTheyAreNotTeenagers · 03/06/2019 14:47

If you were hanging the washing out and chatting and a stranger knocked at the door you would be there.
I would not hear that if I was hanging the washing, I would be in a different part of the building (flats, the washing machines are in the basement 3 floors away). But they have been told never to answer the door if I'm not there.

OP posts:
PositiveVibez · 03/06/2019 14:48

I wouldn't leave a 9yo with sole responsibility for a 7yo. Even for 15/20 minutes.

mrsm43s · 03/06/2019 14:49

*7 is way too young even to be left for the 15 minute gap!
seriously?? If I was hanging the washing out and chatting to a neighbour they would easily be alone that long without supervision and whilst not being stuck in front of the tv. *

This is nothing like the same thing, though. In this scenario you are within calling distance and would immediately be there if they called for you, or if there were any problems. You aren't leaving them, you are still on the premises.

If you leave them and catch a bus, you are out of sight, out of earshot and unable to respond immediately if they need you.

I would not pop to the shop, or to the neighbours or down the road or similar with a 7 and 9 year old in the house. I certainly wouldn't catch a bus anywhere. Even hanging washing on the line or gardening, I'd leave the door open so I had an ear on what they were doing.

justmyview · 03/06/2019 14:49

A 7 and 9-year-old shouldn't be on their own, even for 15 minutes, way too young

Agree it's not up to the children to decide whether they are happy to be on their own or not. They are too young to be making that decision

deydododatdodontdeydo · 03/06/2019 14:50

Even the 15 mins if too long. It's not the same as being in the garden for 15 mins.
Something could happen to your DH, his bus could break down, anything, and that 15 mins is an hour.
Too risky in my opinion.

PositiveVibez · 03/06/2019 14:50

I leave my 10yo at home whilst I nip the shop, or take the dog for a quick walk. She is very sensible and we have. Set of rules to follow, but if I had a younger child, I would not leave my 10yo to look after them.

Original poster
NoTheyAreNotTeenagers · 03/06/2019 14:51

Maybe if your DP could text to confirm he’s caught the bus before you leave for yours, but it would still give me the heeby-jeebies. Yes, I always do this, and then make sure he is home phone tracking has it's uses And now he’s made it clear he doesn’t think it’s a big deal, it’s going to be hard to rely on him, isn’t it? Yes.

Well, he had obviously pre-planned it if he'd spoke to to them about it previously which makes it even worse.

This is what is really pissing me off. He spoke to them about it, but no-one spoke to me about it.

And no, I wouldn't hear them if they called whilst I'm doing the washing. 3 floors down and 2 fire doors away.

OP posts:
desparate4sleep · 03/06/2019 14:51

YABU you need to stop doing your course or get a babysitter.

deydododatdodontdeydo · 03/06/2019 14:52

And no, I wouldn't hear them if they called whilst I'm doing the washing. 3 floors down and 2 fire doors away.

In that case I don't think it's appropriate to leave them while doing the washing either.

mrsm43s · 03/06/2019 14:53

I would not hear that if I was hanging the washing, I would be in a different part of the building (flats, the washing machines are in the basement 3 floors away). But they have been told never to answer the door if I'm not there.

Cross post, and actually, I've just read this. I wouldn't do this either, I think that they are too young to be left while you are 3 floors away and out of earshot. They are far too young to be left unsupervised at all, particularly the 7 year old.

cocomelon23 · 03/06/2019 14:53

They are too young to even be left for 15 minutes imo.

Ihatehashtags · 03/06/2019 14:53

Far too young and also illegal where I live.

IvanaPee · 03/06/2019 14:53

My god. You can keep banging on about the washing OP but you’re completely out of line leaving your young children alone like that.

What if his bus broke down?

Actually, I’m not even going to get into the what ifs.

All I’ll say is; if something happens is your “I could have been doing the washing” defense going to be enough to appease your guilt and convince authorities that you made the right decision?

sirfredfredgeorge · 03/06/2019 14:54

If they're okay for 20 minutes, then they're okay for 50 I'd say, but it's very individual wrt to the kids, and he should've talked to you about it.

Dixiechickonhols · 03/06/2019 14:54

7 is far too young. There is no legal age but nspcc has guidance. There’s obviously a grey area where some children are ok depending on maturity and circumstances but 7 is so very young you are likely to be in territory of police and/or social services action if anything happened or dc mention it at school.
I’m more relaxed but no way would I have left a 7 year old.

ImNotHappyaboutitPauline · 03/06/2019 14:57

The thing is you're annoyed with dh because he's happy to leave them for 55 mins (you leave 527, his 620 bus plus 2 mins walk) but you're ok with 21 mins (you - 527, him 546 bus plus 2 mins). You're arguing on one hand that it's fine to leave them unsupervised at 7 and 9 but what's your cut off point? And why? If they're sensible enough for 20 mins why aren't they sensible enough for just under an hour?

SEsofty · 03/06/2019 14:58

It’s blindly obvious that they are too young to be left at home at all.

I know that is not what you want to hear but unfortunately you are going to have to get a babysitter or not do the course.

And if the laundry is three flights away and outside your own building then actually I wouldn’t do that either. They have to come with you

southbucks77 · 03/06/2019 14:58

A lot of this depends on your child/children.
I have recently started leaving my 8 year old for 15 mins whilst I drop my dd at clubs etc. He definitely wasn’t ready even before Christmas but i believe he is ready now (mainly because he understands better about opening the door and how to use the phone). I’m now leaving my 10 year old for an hour but not with her brother. They only get left together for the max that I would leave him (about 15 mins). We’re also in a different position as I will have driven/walked somewhere so have quick access back and have close relationships with our neighbours if the children were really worried.

pentago · 03/06/2019 14:58

Then you shouldn't be doing the washing while leaving them alone. Either do it when their dad is home, they are at school or they go with you.

It's even worse now you say you're in flats. An untold amount of people above, below and around you can watch and learn your routine of leaving the young kids alone like sitting ducks.

Scary shit

IHateUncleJamie · 03/06/2019 15:05

He thinks I'm babying them

Heh? They’re 7 and 9. If they were 17 and 19, he’d have a point. Is he stupid or just completely lacking in parental instinct?

Personally, I agree with pps that 7 and 9 is too young to be left alone at all, never mind what you’re doing and where you are.

Gruzinkerbell1 · 03/06/2019 15:05

You are both being unreasonable, and extremely irresponsible, by leaving them home alone at all. 7 is way too young, 9 isn’t much better.