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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH not telling me he's planning to leave DC at home alone

181 replies

NoTheyAreNotTeenagers · 03/06/2019 14:23

I started an evening course which DH suggested and is 100% behind. The DC used to have a sports club, so I dropped them off, went to my course and DH picked them up. They've stopped that sports club for the summer so I've been taking the 530pm bus on the understanding that DH will be home on the 546pm bus. DC are happy with this, I turn on the tv before I go and they sit and watch until DH is home.
They are allowed tv 5-6pm anyway and generally don't move until we call them for their food.

I just texted him to remind him I'm at my course this week and he replied saying he would most likely be late home and arriving at 620pm.

AIBU to be mightily pissed off with him not telling me in advance? I could have arranged something, but now there's no one I can ask at such sort notice. The next bus leaves after my course starts. He says he spoke to the DC about it last time and they are ok with being left alone until he's there. He thinks I'm babying them (I wouldn't leave them to get themselves alone to school when I had a hospital appointment, took them to a friend's house) and they will be fine. I'm on edge as I think they're too young, 7 and 9.

OP posts:
PonderingPanda · 03/06/2019 15:07

Could someone on your course collect you this once so you wouldn't have to leave as early?

PonderingPanda · 03/06/2019 15:07

Or get a taxi ?

Drogosnextwife · 03/06/2019 15:07

20 mins 40 mins what's the difference? The same things can happen in either of those amounts of time.

daffodillament · 03/06/2019 15:10

Not read all the replies so sorry if you have to repeat this. Can you take them along to the course with you with books or a game or homework etc..? Not ideal taking on the course in the first place and leaving the kids like that on a regular basis at their age, especially if DH is inclined to be a bit unreliable/lax over the arrangements.

PeoniesarePink · 03/06/2019 15:11

I wouldn't leave kids that young. Takes seconds for a fire to start or an accident to happen.

You're both being irresponsible, sorry.

Your kids are your most valuable assets in this world. End of.

MrsKCastle · 03/06/2019 15:12

I think some of the posters here are overreacting. The idea that the OP shouldn't even go and do the washing is very strange to me. It does depend a lot on the children and their age/maturity (just turned 9 is very different from almost 10) but if they're reasonably sensible I don't think it's neglectful to leave them for 15 minutes.

My daughters are slightly older and the biggest concern I would have about leaving them is whether they'd get into a screaming argument! They would be safe at home, would know not to open the door, and could use a phone to call several different people in the event of an emergency.

herculepoirot2 · 03/06/2019 15:14

The “it’s only 15 minutes” argument simply doesn’t wash. Whether it’s 15 minutes or 2 hours, the risk of anything going wrong is low, but children of that age simply need to be in the care of an adult. It’s not about time, it’s about how they would deal with a serious problem. They’re too young.

IvanaPee · 03/06/2019 15:14

Yes but if that’s the case then why does an extra twenty minutes matter?

If they’re safe for OP to leave them, why are the less safe for her DH to leave them?

RedHelenB · 03/06/2019 15:14

If you are both a bus ride away then at those ages I wouldn't have left mine. And my ds walked to and from school from y3 onwards.

SEsofty · 03/06/2019 15:15

What happens if one of them injures themselves? Eg trips and breaks a leg or really serious cut. If you are hanging the washing then the other can get you.
But if you are on a bus what are they supposed to do?

Jellybabiesarebabies · 03/06/2019 15:15

Depends on the child. I could leave my oldest child for up to 20 mins at age 7. My other child I certainly couldn't have done. Although there is the problem of what happens if the bus is delayed as well, which potentially it could be.

SEsofty · 03/06/2019 15:16

And I agree with others what is your cut off?

If you think twenty minutes is ok why not forty, fifty an hour?

DoNotDisturbPlease · 03/06/2019 15:17

Err pretty obvious solution - get a taxi for this one time as a one off. Learn to drive. Get cars. Get a lift from someone on the course. Get a babysitter.

lyralalala · 03/06/2019 15:21

I’m very relaxed but 7 is too young to be left and 9 is far too young to be left with the responsibility for a younger sibling.

I’d leave the 9 year old for 15 mins to do the washing in your set up, but the 7 year old would be coming with me.

I have more of an issue leaving two youngster than one - in my experience there is more likely to be an issue (showing off, bossiness, a disagreement) when there is two.

ComeAndDance · 03/06/2019 15:21

I hour is too long, esp for the 7yo. But 15mins is totally fine imo

What is happening there is that your DH knows this course is important, he knows that actually he has something on that will clash. So did the very childish thing to not tell you and hope that you would just accept things if you had no other choice. Which he is right. You had no choice other than missing your course.

I would have a chat with him and come to a STRICT agreement that dcs can’t be left alone on their own for that long.

I have to say I’m GrinHmm at some answers where you can’t leave a child that age on their own ever, even for 15minutes.
15 mins isnt the same than 1 hour. Plenty more time to think, have ‘bright’ ideas, have a fight with their sibling (I’ve always been more relaxed leaving them alone rather than together!), needing some help with something etc....

Whatareyoutalkingabout · 03/06/2019 15:23

Get a babysitter or ask a friend to watch them until your DH can get back. They're very much too young to be left alone and it would be potentially very unsafe.

clairethewitch70 · 03/06/2019 15:24

The neighbour who you chat to - would she watch them until DH comes home?

Pinkkink · 03/06/2019 15:29

That's batshit. If something bad had happened to them and he hadn't even told you about it your marriage would be over. He's risking the kids and your marriage because it would be unforgivable. Fool.

PopGoesTheWeaz · 03/06/2019 15:30

15 minutes is fine (depending on the children of course) but I agree an hour is a bit long if you don't think they are ready for it.

Would any time be saved if you took them to our course and he got them from there (like, do you cross paths with him on the way?)

Could you ask the neighbor to check in on them at the 30 minute period?

I guess it's worth considering that the normal 15 minutes could easily turn into 45 minutes or an hour if the bus broke down, DH missed the bus, etc etc. The kids should probably know what to do in those cases as part of the responsibility of being left alone -

oldmumnewmum · 03/06/2019 15:30

do not leave children that age unattended, very simple, be a parent, does not matter about length of time, do not do it.

ImNotHappyaboutitPauline · 03/06/2019 15:35

15 mins isnt the same than 1 hour. Plenty more time to think, have ‘bright’ ideas, have a fight with their sibling (I’ve always been more relaxed leaving them alone rather than together!), needing some help with something etc....

I do agree with this especially the time to have "bright ideas" which is why I'd actually be ok with going down to do washing but not the same time gap where you're depending on dh public transport. Any thoughts of mischief or screaming rows will be subverted by knowing mum could do the washing quickly and appear at any moment to catch them out as it were. Worst case scenario is that something happens and the dc instinctively run for mum knowing exactly where she is.

Leaving them alone while traveling further away from them feels instinctively different - you're depending on dh catching a particular bus, no delays/accidents/breakdowns. It just feels like there's a greater risk that they could be left longer than intended and being so young might not be as sensible as you expect them to be. Especially a 7 year old!

Original poster
NoTheyAreNotTeenagers · 03/06/2019 15:37

The neighbour who you chat to - would she watch them until DH comes home?
She's out at the moment, else I would ask her.
No, we don't cross, so taking kids with me is not going to help. I can drive, but would have to leave at same time to find parking and walk, bus is faster as it's in the city centre.

15-20 mins is my limit! An hour is too long, I wouldn't plan to leave them for more than 20.

OP posts:
deydododatdodontdeydo · 03/06/2019 15:41

I have to say I’m grinhmm at some answers where you can’t leave a child that age on their own ever, even for 15minutes.

Which is fine if it is 15 mins, but what if he misses his bus or it breaks down, or there is traffic - all reasonably likely in my experience, in which case it's much longer.

pentago · 03/06/2019 15:41

What about the people in the other flats?

FlorenceKettle · 03/06/2019 15:42

I wouldn't have an issue with the washing because they can come and get you. Or you can get back within minutes. I'd call that 'in the vicinity'

The bus thing is a no. Maybe once as an absolute emergency but they're just too young by a couple of years

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