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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding cancelled but hen do still going ahead?

198 replies

Seren10 · 03/06/2019 12:40

Months ago I paid a deposit to go on a hen weekend away.

Since then the wedding has been cancelled.

Fast forward to this week and the hen group chat has a new message with a reminder that we need to pay the balance this week (we are talking hundreds of pounds).

Is it unreasonable for me to say I no longer wish to go given the circumstances?

OP posts:
SunshineCake · 03/06/2019 17:05

Oops. Didn't refresh between reading this thread more than an hour ago and posting.

costacoffeecup · 03/06/2019 17:44

If I was the bride or MOB I'd be mortified that people could be out of pocket from the wedding being cancelled and would make sure people like you who'd paid deposits were reimbursed. Sounds like MOB is on the same page.

WillLokireturn · 03/06/2019 18:12

If you have an account with the hen party company then close down and cancel your bit asap and let the company deal with you direct.

She's removed me from the hen group chat

That says enough for you to withdraw. You paid your deposit and she's shut you out. F' her.

WillLokireturn · 03/06/2019 18:15

Unattach your credit card and details from this asap! "Dear company, I have been disinvited, please cancel my place and I have removed my payment details. You are welcome to keep my deposit but please refund if another person takes my place. Please take any further up with ..(bride/organising hen) who made the booking and have dropped me from it"

WillLokireturn · 03/06/2019 18:17

(the company won't refund you but hen party can't chase you for more as they'll have something they can lose)

WillLokireturn · 03/06/2019 18:20

I suspect the MOB isn't happy
Meanwhile I have spoken to the bride's mother and she has said something completely different...
What are you to the bride? If she's not your close friend and you are otherwise groom's side or at a distance, it seems to be that this will play out how it does and that bride could and should have told you earlier.

dandelionandmurdoch · 03/06/2019 18:23

This happened to my friend. We still went (was a weekend abroad) but had a nice time without any of the typical 'hen themed' stuff. I think it really helped to cheer her up and take her mind off what was a pretty shitty time (ex fiancé cheated on her). I don't see the issue.

frenchknitting · 03/06/2019 18:26

Ah, now you have to pay really, unless you are happy for the bride's mum to pay your way? It seems clear she is going to cover you to avoid upset.

justasking111 · 03/06/2019 19:12

Meanwhile I have spoken to the bride's mother and she has said something completely different... that the hen is still going ahead, but anyone that no longer wants to come will be reimbursed.

Well that is it then. I would not expect to be reimbursed payments up to now to be honest. The Maid of honour sounds a bit high handed. Have you sent a message of support to the bride?

removed from the hen group for inciting dissent perhaps Grin

WillLokireturn · 03/06/2019 19:19

OP hasn't said the circumstances that causes cancellation of wedding. It's totally relevant. And whether bride knew far beforehand. Or needs cheering up, as she might be the causative party.

Really, until that is known, any MNs advice is moot.

Microwaveableteapot · 03/06/2019 19:20

MoH sounds like someone incredibly stressed knowing that she may be possibly liable for hundreds of pounds due to drop-outs, when it's no more her fault than the OPs.

Just because you don't know her well and won't have to see the MoH again it doesn't make this any less of a shitty thing to do to her. And going to MoB (who, presumably, has NOT organised this hen do and also has other things on her plate) is pretty outrageous.

Go, or don't go, but pay what you owe.

WillLokireturn · 03/06/2019 19:22

I genuinely think circumstances are relevant here. As for whatever reason if bride was blindsided and OP is close to bride then that has a hole different complexion than a different scenario where bride caused it, knew about it and OP is ex groom's side.

I think only OP knows this, whether she shares it or not. And knows whether SIBU or SINBU

WillLokireturn · 03/06/2019 19:25

*whole

And so that reflects on hen night plans. As OP can cancel herself out of it (we don't know how soon it is) but if I was groom's side and she'd withdrawn or knew she'd done something I would be less sympathetic than a dumped bride that I was close to who still wanted to go on a girlie holiday to cheer her spirits up. The fact OP has been dropped out of hen party WhatsApp indicates that she isn't close and that she is no longer welcome. So cut her losses and cut off credit line.

Bluntness100 · 03/06/2019 19:27

If I was the bride or MOB I'd be mortified that people could be out of pocket from the wedding being cancelled and would make sure people like you who'd paid deposits were reimbursed

So I assume conversely you'd take the mother's money? That's just appallingly who would do that. It's not bad enough the wedding is cancelled and the daughter is going through a terrible time, you'd take their money?

And why should the mother pay? The bride isn't a kid.

Op, I'm assuming if the bride is a relative of yours, so is the mother? Are you playing on a family relationship to get your money? Is she your aunt?

Thertruthisoutwhere · 03/06/2019 19:32

op said she was a relative of the bride's. As she's in the wedding party and knows the MOB id say they are cousins.

op you need to pay, it's not up to the MOH to cover you, she didnt cancel the wedding and tbh i wouldnt let an aunt pay either.

unless the bride cheated on fiance, then she should cover it.

Bluntness100 · 03/06/2019 19:34

Yes that's what I'm thinking, it's her cousins snf the mother of the bride is her aunt.

altiara · 03/06/2019 20:01

We don’t know for sure that the costs would go up, the deposit is non refundable so the company keep that without having to provide OP with a service.

MrsCBY · 03/06/2019 20:09

Of course you shouldn’t have to pay, OP. You’ve done the right thing. Glad the MOB is being reasonable.

LooUpdate · 03/06/2019 20:39

Come on OP, what has he done?

costacoffeecup · 04/06/2019 00:58

@Bluntness100 I don't know what I'd do. I'm putting myself in the position of the bride/bride's close family where it seems the bride has decided to call off the wedding (possibly due to finding out groom is a cheat?) and I don't think I would leave my friends or family out of pocket due to that decision. It doesn't seem right really. So no I don't think it would be appalling for op to allow the bride or her close family to cover the loss.

costacoffeecup · 04/06/2019 01:08

And actually if I was in that position and was facing people I cared about being out of pocket due to my wedding being called off I'd 100% offer to cover their losses. Wouldn't most people? I'm sure some people wouldn't take it but I'd feel dreadful about it.

costacoffeecup · 04/06/2019 01:48

In fact the more I think about this the more I'm astounded that anyone would think the right thing would be for the op to stump up the balance, given that the bride chose to have an expensive (for everyone else) hen do and then the wedding was called off - for whatever reason. I can only go by what I would do if I was the bride though - clearly there's no actual obligation for the bride or the bride's family to pay anything at all! And no the bride's not a child but presumably the MOB was bearing some financial responsibility for the wedding as is traditional and so is involved in sorting this out. If I was MOB I'd totally use the wedding money to make sure my niece wasn't out of pocket.

Anyway different strokes for different folks, clearly.

MulticolourMophead · 04/06/2019 08:32

As far as I can make out she cancelled the wedding, however is being very cagey about it and in her words "burying her head in the sand". But what I can make out from other family members is that she doesn't want to make amends.

From this, I'm guessing the bride may be at fault here, so I feel bride can pay any monies owed on behalf of OP.

cees · 04/06/2019 08:43

Well I wouldn't pay to go on a hen I felt obligated to attend in the first place, no chance. It's not a hen anymore and they can ask you if you want to go but they most certainly have no right to pressure you into it.
The bride should be gracious and accept that some people put themselves out to attend hens and stags because it would seem an insult to refuse one without good cause but it's not a hen anymore, it's a piss up and you can do that at home without all the faff.
Yanbu

ToftyAC · 04/06/2019 17:54

If you’re not bothered about losing your deposit then in your situation I wouldn’t go either. Like others have said it’s no longer a hen weekend, it’s a weekend for others to go away and get pissed. And no, I wouldn’t pay a penny more.