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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding cancelled but hen do still going ahead?

198 replies

Seren10 · 03/06/2019 12:40

Months ago I paid a deposit to go on a hen weekend away.

Since then the wedding has been cancelled.

Fast forward to this week and the hen group chat has a new message with a reminder that we need to pay the balance this week (we are talking hundreds of pounds).

Is it unreasonable for me to say I no longer wish to go given the circumstances?

OP posts:
Drum2018 · 03/06/2019 13:23

I'd send a message to say you assumed the hen would be cancelled given the wedding is cancelled and you are no longer going. End of. You don't need to explain further. I'm sure you won't be the only one cancelling. Don't give it a second thought. If they have booked hotel rooms they can surely rearrange sleeping arrangements/cancel a room and the deposit you have paid can go towards any cancellation cost. However it may end up cheaper if they get a triple room now as opposed to 2 twin rooms for instance.

Lucked · 03/06/2019 13:25

I would just reply with the truth - that you had assumed it was cancelled and that you can no longer attend as your DH has plans. Add that they can keep your deposir.

Drum2018 · 03/06/2019 13:26

well seeing as the wedding has been cancelled it is no longer a 'hen' do... and the 'hen' should now be paying her own way on this holiday - or are you still expected to cover her share

Good point - she should be paying for her trip now so that should help balance out any cancellation costs.

fedup21 · 03/06/2019 13:27

Bizarre! Are you a friend of the bride or a relative of the groom.

I've only had confimation this weekend that the wedding is 100% off and only heard it from the bride herself this morning.

So, up until last Friday, were you going?

Nanny0gg · 03/06/2019 13:27

If the bride is family won’t you know other people?

Original poster
Seren10 · 03/06/2019 13:28

I think we really need to know more about the circumstances and who she is to you... but I do think the PPs who suggest you just shouldn't pay anything and screw it are advocating a pretty selfish move - unless you can speak to MOH and make sure others won't be left to pick up your share someone is going to have to end up covering it and why should they? It's an unfortunate turn of events, and yes it sucks to have to pay out, but you shouldn't just expect others to have to do so instead.

She is extended family to me. As far as I can make out she cancelled the wedding, however is being very cagey about it and in her words "burying her head in the sand". But what I can make out from other family members is that she doesn't want to make amends.

Yes this is my fear, looking at it another way... if I was one of the other hens and had already paid all my money and therefore was going to go regardless but someone else hadn't paid their balance and therefore I was then having to pay more, I would be a bit annoyed!

Tricky isn't it.

OP posts:
giddyyup · 03/06/2019 13:28

I wouldn't go and I wouldn't pay any more either. You can't be expected to honour a trip away when the wedding is cancelled. Totally bizarre!

Original poster
Seren10 · 03/06/2019 13:28

So, up until last Friday, were you going?

Yup!

OP posts:
Noonooyou · 03/06/2019 13:29

You not wanting to go is neither here nor there, the point is that if you don't pay then the others are likely going to have to pay more. I organised a hen weekend 3 weeks ago and we had one who couldn't make it due to sickness but still had to pay the full amount, they didn't even question it! And even offered to provide extra money to buy the hen drinks, we declined.
When organising a hen do, we budget and plan accordingly. Often activities are budgeted based on a certain number attending.

Original poster
Seren10 · 03/06/2019 13:30

I organised a hen weekend 3 weeks ago and we had one who couldn't make it due to sickness but still had to pay the full amount, they didn't even question it!

For what it's worth I would have 100% agreed to pay my way in this situation also, but this scenario is a little different I think.

OP posts:
JustHereWithPopcorn · 03/06/2019 13:31

I wouldn't go if I was you and I wouldn't pay the rest of the money either! You don't know the others so it wouldn't even be an enjoyable weekend away with 'friends' etc so don't worry Smile

boobirdblue · 03/06/2019 13:31

It depends really, if you want to lose your deposit and not go then don't go. If you want to go and support your friend (presumably the non-bride-to-be is a friend of yours?) on a trip away when she likely needs her friends around her then you should go.
Why would you need to post an AIBU about it?

I think this is a perfectly acceptable AIBU question? Seen 100s worse.

OP i think you're going to have to go, enjoy it you will probably have a fab time.

Noonooyou · 03/06/2019 13:31

I do understand that it's a different situation, and I am sympathetic and it is frustrating. But it doesn't change the fact that the activities still need to be paid for... if you know what I mean?

HagridsBigToe · 03/06/2019 13:34

I'm going to go against the grain and say you are not unreasonable.
The purpose of the trip has changed and the person organising it should have messaged everybody (apart from maybe the would-be-bride!) to make sure that everybody was happy to still attend, and to check what the new price would be if not.

LittleDoritt · 03/06/2019 13:34

Wouldn't go. Wouldn't pay. Totally different scenario to getting sick just before the event.

WillLokireturn · 03/06/2019 13:34

I would just reply saying you assumed it was off since the wedding is off and you’ll have to forfeit your deposit because you’ve since made other plans.

This ^^

Then let them come back to you if it's non refundable if they are still liable to pay for your place on accomodation and activities. As that wouldn't be fair.

Unless she's the one that cancelled the wedding (which I think is relevant and also the circumstances of that brought that about and who you are in relation to exbride , like are you groom's family in which case would be v awkward for you to go)

TixieLix · 03/06/2019 13:34

I wouldn't go. I'd settle up anything non-refundable, but I wouldn't pay any more. I agree with a PP too - it's now a holiday for the would-be bride, not a hen, so she should be paying her own share.

ceirrno · 03/06/2019 13:35

Has the bride actually been consulted on this still going ahead.?

fedup21 · 03/06/2019 13:40

I think you need to ring the bride and discuss it with her right now.

If you only found out from her this morning that the wedding was off, you clearly haven’t made other plans. You can’t say you don’t have the money as presumably before she told you the wedding was off this morning, you were all set to pay? You need to say as the wedding is off, you don’t want to go on a girlie holiday with people you don’t know.

If the balance is hundreds of pounds (200 or £800?!) is that for accommodation and will have to be paid anyway?

I completely understand you don’t want to go and why not, but think you need to speak directly to the bride.

sar302 · 03/06/2019 13:40

If it was a close friend, I'd go for moral support. Loosely connected family friend, I'd just pay whatever I owed and make an excuse not to go. Wouldn't mind losing what I was already going to pay, but by not going, I'd save on any extras that will definitely come up while you're there.

Twickerhun · 03/06/2019 13:41

I wouldn’t go and I wouldn’t pay any more....

notoafternoontea · 03/06/2019 13:41

Has the bride actually been consulted on this still going ahead.?

^^this

In fact, more. Do you know if she's still going herself??!

I think you should get out of anything non-refundable and totally think that if it's still going ahead the ex-bride should be paying her share. Anything else makes her a CF.

Noonooyou · 03/06/2019 13:43

Op must be fairly close as she was part of the bridal party!

BarbaraofSevillle · 03/06/2019 13:49

Surely everyone would only lose their deposit if it was all cancelled now

That depends on the cancellation terms. Sometimes these don't exactly match up with the deposit and payment terms. It could be that a certain amount is due as a deposit, with the balance due by a certain time, but if you cancel before you have paid everything, there could still be some or all of the balance to pay - it will all be in the T&Cs that nobody (and I include myself in this) reads.

For example, you can rarely get a refund on a budget airline flight, even if you cancel shortly after booking and months before you travel.

OP fair enough if you don't want to go, but if there are cancellation charges, you should pay these yourself, not leave them for others to pay. You agreed to go so you need to pay any non-refundable costs related to your place, whether you use it or not.

But to be honest, I'd still go - you never know, you might even have a good time, make some new friends or get to know some distant relatives/aquainatances better.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 03/06/2019 13:50

Siren, can't you just ring the hotel directly yourself and ask what the cancellation policy is. If it was booked via Booking.com or similar there is often a free cancellation within a certain time period. Then problem solved.
However, if the rest of the party is liable for your contribution if you don't go then I think you have to weigh it up and probably pay at least a proportion since you made a committment.

But ask the MOH because she may be able to reconfigure and maybe can bring an extra person now that its not wedding party only.
If you don't go, you will be saving the whole weekend's drinking and eating costs.