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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding cancelled but hen do still going ahead?

198 replies

Seren10 · 03/06/2019 12:40

Months ago I paid a deposit to go on a hen weekend away.

Since then the wedding has been cancelled.

Fast forward to this week and the hen group chat has a new message with a reminder that we need to pay the balance this week (we are talking hundreds of pounds).

Is it unreasonable for me to say I no longer wish to go given the circumstances?

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 03/06/2019 13:53

Why assume the brides upset? She may be delighted!!

Drum2018 · 03/06/2019 13:56

OP i think you're going to have to go, enjoy it you will probably have a fab time

No she isn't going to have to go. She's well within her rights to cancel.

Op just put the feelers out and tell the group you are no longer going, don't mention paying any further money yet. They may come back and ask for it but in any case, do not agree to pay for the bride at this stage. That is a step too far.

BarbedBloom · 03/06/2019 13:59

I wouldn't go or pay. Not being a hen do the bride should now be paying her way so it would balance out

boobirdblue · 03/06/2019 14:00

@Drum2018 you're right! I retract that comment.

Pursefirst · 03/06/2019 14:00

Going against the grain here, but i wouldn't go either OP and I don't think YABU at all.

I'd also hazard a guess that you won't be the only one pulling out, it seems totally bizarre to have a hen party in those circumstances Confused

UserName31456789 · 03/06/2019 14:20

I would ask the bride about it personally. If she wanted the hen weekend still I'd be inclined to go. Cancelling a wedding is almost always upsetting and stressful and if she wants something to cheer her up I'd go along with it.

justasking111 · 03/06/2019 14:28

hundreds of pounds more to pay where the hell are you going for the weekend that will cost that much??

ChangeMyWorld · 03/06/2019 14:29

Really surprised at some of these responses. I don't think you should have to pay anything beyond the deposit- boggles my brain why anybody thinks for a moment you should unless you are a good friend of the bride. It was something you had to do out of obligation but now it isn't even happening it's a perfect logical assumption that you're no longer contractually obliged to fork out tons of money just for the hell of it. Essentially, she's messed everyone around- she should now be covering the costs, harsh as that may be. Obviously if you were good friends with her or close family you'd probably want to support her and go / pay out of goodness of your heart but I absolutely don't believe there should be an expectation that you do so.

PuppyMonkey · 03/06/2019 14:32

YANBU to go back up the organiser and say: “Wtf?”

I doubt you will be the only one.

Noonooyou · 03/06/2019 14:32

changeMy op has said she's part of the bridal party!

tickingthebox · 03/06/2019 14:36

I would be incline to send a message along the lines of "FGS surely this isn't going ahead...Jane will be devastated" (even if you know she isn't devastated...it sets a line in the sand and you will find out from the "group" if its cancellable or not by the responses!

tickingthebox · 03/06/2019 14:37

*Inclined

NorthernRunner · 03/06/2019 14:37

I think you need to find out if not going will mean the others pay more. If you can just forfeit your deposit without anyone else incurring extra costs great, but if not you should pay regardless of whether you go or not.

SavingSpaces2019 · 03/06/2019 14:37

the point is that if you don't pay then the others are likely going to have to pay more
That isn't OP's problem.
That is the former-bride-to-be and MOH's problem to deal with.

If OP is the only one to pull out of the large group then it's tough but they - and the 'hen - can all take the hit if they still want to go on holiday.
If OP is not the only person to drop out then MOH/hen need to rethink this holiday anyway instead of pushing the costs onto everyone else.

OP - don't pay a penny.
MOH is a CF for carrying on like nothing has changed and still expecting you all to subsidise someone else's holiday.
MOH should also have taken out holiday insurance.....she should check the terms and conditions.

I'd actually be very pissed off that having just been told that the wedding is cancelled, there has been no clear communication as to how this affects things and instead it's 'expected' that i'll continue to pay.

NorthernRunner · 03/06/2019 14:39

I’m not sure if I would describe MOH as a CF. If they all agreed to pay for this hen at a set price, and they have all been chipping away making payments, why shouldn’t they still go?

justasking111 · 03/06/2019 14:40

@northernrunner well some folk do not have hundreds of pounds to waste on a function they are not going to attend.

As far as I am concerned if the wedding is off so is everything, is the bride still paying for venue, cake, flowers, cars??

Bluntness100 · 03/06/2019 14:40

I think calling t a hen do is not ok, as it's no longer a hen do, it's now a long weekend. I'd assume the would be bride is ok with it and possibly needs time away with her friends, a break up is never easy never mind a wedding being cancelled. There is clearly something very wrong.

If she was close enough for you to go to the hen to support her, then she should be close for you to go on the weekend away to support her.

In this instance I'd meet my commitments and go and not let others pick up your costs or make it worse or more difficult for her. Not give it the big fuck you and land them with additional costs.

WillLokireturn · 03/06/2019 14:40

Gosh this is all so difficult. I think the first text message and let them follow up and evidence why you ought play for more is the way to go forward. Bride may have other girlie friends that want to go. Are you ex groom's or ex bride's side? It really depends so much on your relationship with ex bride. And why wedding was cancelled. If it was awful and beyond bride's control I'd be much more sympathetic to going on a girlie weekend or covering more costs if I wasn't going. But bride ought be paying for herself now. There may be others that drop out now it's no longer a hen. And that is tough but part and parcel of cancelled wedding insurance. I hope bride and groom had that.

WillLokireturn · 03/06/2019 14:43

(I doubt hen or stag party costs will be covered as usually someone else books it, even if B&G had wedding insurance. Do that's why I think circumstances are relevant)

Please make sure you cancel all other bookings you had made in your name eg hotel room, etc.

NorthernRunner · 03/06/2019 14:43

justasking totally appreciate that and I would begrudge paying a couple hundred pounds for something I was going to. BUT if it means that it’s going to cost the remaining members of the groups more, that’s not exactly fair either is it...It’s vital OP finds out if she can back out now without extra cost. If she can’t do that, then morally I think she has to find the money. She would have had to have found it if she was going, which she still was 3days ago.

WillLokireturn · 03/06/2019 14:44

(for the wedding itself)

itswinetime · 03/06/2019 14:46

If you only found out Saturday for definite the wedding is cancelled is it possible the MOH doesn't know this information yet? She maybe merrily going ahead because it's all still vague on here end. It's highly likely that lots of the hens don't know yet so I wouldn't message in the group. I think unless it's a hen with a close group of friends who would like to holiday to anyway you might not be the only one pulling out. I think you message the MOH off the group explain that as the hen do is no longer a hen do you can't make it as other things have to take priority I would wait and see what she says about money.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 03/06/2019 14:46

If everyone pulls out now is the MOH going to be liable for the full amount? If so I feel very sorry for her if everyone takes the attitude that it isn't their problem. Why should it be hers either?

PotolBabu · 03/06/2019 14:48

Does the bride know it’s still going ahead?? It sounds like she doesn’t.

CorBlimeyGovenor · 03/06/2019 14:49

I have never understood why friends/relatives of the hen should stump up her costs, particularly when going abroad and expecting people to shell out so much money. I just didn't want to impose any financial burden upon people attending my hen do, esp as some were less well off than others. So I hired a canal boat for the day, paid for it myself, provided some food and then we all paid our own way for a meal out in the evening. Going to a wedding is a big ask. Personally I think pushing people into going abroad is a bad idea. I wouldn't pay any more. Who's to say that your pulling out will incur additional costs.