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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding cancelled but hen do still going ahead?

198 replies

Seren10 · 03/06/2019 12:40

Months ago I paid a deposit to go on a hen weekend away.

Since then the wedding has been cancelled.

Fast forward to this week and the hen group chat has a new message with a reminder that we need to pay the balance this week (we are talking hundreds of pounds).

Is it unreasonable for me to say I no longer wish to go given the circumstances?

OP posts:
Original poster
Seren10 · 03/06/2019 12:59

I don't get why you would be going on a hen do with people you barely know

It's a family hen. I don't know any of her friends, I have met the MOH once.

OP posts:
IvanaPee · 03/06/2019 13:00

I think they should probably expect some people not to go. Especially if you’re from the groom’s side!

But I don’t think you should be judging them for going ahead.

Perhaps they want to take her away to let loose a bit and cheer her up!

LillithsFamiliar · 03/06/2019 13:02

But you're not the bride Confused so I'd trust her to have made the best decision for herself. And if she gets upset then surely that's fine? She'll be surrounded by friends who know the situation and can support her.

Fishywife · 03/06/2019 13:03

I don't get why you would be going on a hen do with people you barely know.

Surely this is quite normal. I don't know all my friends' / families' friends.

Noonooyou · 03/06/2019 13:05

I'd still be going, the hen probably needs cheering up.

FunnyHappyGirl · 03/06/2019 13:05

If other people would be out of pocket, and if you can afford to, I'd just offer to pay your balance but say you're now not able to make it.

Be honest, but polite:

"Thanks for the reminder. To be honest, now the wedding's not going ahead I'd prefer to go to DH's event that I was otherwise going to miss. Sorry to not be coming, but if I still need to pay what I owe, that's no problem."

Original poster
Seren10 · 03/06/2019 13:06

Each to their own with regards to them still going on the trip, even though I do think it's a little bit in bad taste given the circumstances, I just pointed out that it would personally be my worst nightmare. I would be really upset/emotional - perhaps she will love it, who knows, I guess they won't know until they get there. She currently doesn't know any of the plans as if it was a normal hen do.

Anyway, that's all irrelevant really as the point is they are still going, I don't want to. I just don't know whether it's fair for me to back out without paying for my part.

OP posts:
AgentPeggyCarter · 03/06/2019 13:09

Assuming that you’re family of the groom and the wedding has been called off because they’ve split I don’t think it’s unreasonable at all to say you won’t be coming. Surely they’d find I weird and awkward if you did come?!

category12 · 03/06/2019 13:09

I think you should pay your part.

Eliza9919 · 03/06/2019 13:10

I just don't know whether it's fair for me to back out without paying for my part.

It's up to you. Personally, if I wasn't going, I wouldn't pay, BUT I'd have given notice before the balance was due. Or was this only touted again now that its due and nothing has been said so far?

Relightmyfirepit · 03/06/2019 13:11

I wouldn’t go and I wouldn’t pay any more money. I’d be surprised if you were the only one thinking this.

IvanaPee · 03/06/2019 13:13

Well you don’t know them and probably won’t see them again so I wouldn’t give a shit what they think!

Just say “hi, given the circumstances I’m not going to come along on this one. Thanks anyway.”

cjpark · 03/06/2019 13:13

I'd go, but then I like going out with friends / family. You said you don't want to go, thats fine too, your choice, but I would offer to pay your balance of the weekend you are now not attending.

JohnsPrincess · 03/06/2019 13:14

I would just reply saying you assumed it was off since the wedding is off and you’ll have to forfeit your deposit because you’ve since made other plans.

Don’t make ANY comments about paying them more.

Still having the hen do is ridiculous

CatG85 · 03/06/2019 13:14

I don't get why you would be going on a hen do with people you barely know

I've been on a few hens with people I barely know because the bride to be has different friendship groups that don't all know each other. It's not unusual.

If there was never any clear communication that the hen was still going ahead before this message, I don't think YABU. Just say i'm really sorry, I never expected the hen to still be going ahead and heard nothing to say it was so I've now got other plans I can't cancel.

Noonooyou · 03/06/2019 13:15

Of course you have to pay. I'm sorry! They'll have booked activities that are non refundable! If you pull out then everyone else will have to fork out more money. I do understand that you're in a difficult position but the hen is obviously still happy to go ahead so as you agreed to the weekend away, you can't just not pay!

If you're on the groom's side of the family then I guess it's a bit different...!

Original poster
Seren10 · 03/06/2019 13:15

Sorry this is turning a bit drip feedy, but I'm trying to reply to all the questions. It's a bit of a bizarre situation isn't it. I've only had confimation this weekend that the wedding is 100% off and only heard it from the bride herself this morning.

The money has to be paid through one of those websites where you can pay bits of money off as much or as little as you like over however many months, so I think most people have paid theirs already - hence why I think they are all still going - they have paid so may aswell.

OP posts:
ZippyBungleandGeorge · 03/06/2019 13:16

It depends on why it was cancelled, groom called it off/had an affair with MIL to be etc not only should you pay but you go to support her, at the very very least you pay your share She called it off/had an affair with the milkman etc definitely don't go, the bride should really cover any out of pocket costs, but if she doesn't/can't you should make sure the other hens aren't out of pocket. Wedding just postponed for financial medical/reasons still go or at least pay your share. Whichever way you look at it, it isn't the other hens fully the wedding is off and if you not going is going to leave them paying for you it's really not reasonable. You should cover the cost of your cancellation whatever that might be.

Notabedofroses · 03/06/2019 13:16

No, if the wedding is cancelled you are not obliged to attend or pay for the hen party!

Email the bride and tell her you wish her the best, but you won't be attending the hen party now the wedding is cancelled. Depending on how close you are, you may wish to support her in another way.

Halimeda · 03/06/2019 13:17

What FunnyHappyGirl said, including the message/email. Of course you need to pay for your part in anything non-refundable! Then, by all means don't go and go to the event you really wanted to go to all along.

Slightly puzzled by your attitude, though -- it's irrelevant whether you think having a weekend away with female friends when you or your fiancé have cancelled the wedding would be your worst nightmare or not. She's not you.

And I don't see why paying hundreds of pounds to go away for a weekend with strangers is any more or less palatable depending on whether the wedding is happening or not. I mean, it's not that I blame you for not wanting to hang around with people you don't know and pay through the nose for it I never go on hen weekends myself for this reason but they're just as unknown to you whether the wedding is on or off, and it costs just as much.

Haven't you been in touch with the woman who was going to be getting married, to see how she is?

SavingSpaces2019 · 03/06/2019 13:18

well seeing as the wedding has been cancelled it is no longer a 'hen' do... and the 'hen' should now be paying her own way on this holiday - or are you still expected to cover her share?

IvanaPee · 03/06/2019 13:18

I disagree that you should pay more.

Sorry now but going ahead is a bit unorthodox!!

They can’t be surprised that people would have expected it to be off and made other plans!!

loobyloo1234 · 03/06/2019 13:22

Surely everyone would only lose their deposit if it was all cancelled now? How can they expect everyone to still cough up a couple of hundred ££'s if the wedding is cancelled?

Do you know how many other people are going? If it's only an extra £20 or so each, I would probably still back out OP if you really don't want to go

motherofcats81 · 03/06/2019 13:22

I think we really need to know more about the circumstances and who she is to you... but I do think the PPs who suggest you just shouldn't pay anything and screw it are advocating a pretty selfish move - unless you can speak to MOH and make sure others won't be left to pick up your share someone is going to have to end up covering it and why should they? It's an unfortunate turn of events, and yes it sucks to have to pay out, but you shouldn't just expect others to have to do so instead.

Original poster
Seren10 · 03/06/2019 13:22

it's irrelevant whether you think having a weekend away with female friends when you or your fiancé have cancelled the wedding would be your worst nightmare or not

I've already said it's irrelevant what I think Smile

I don't see why paying hundreds of pounds to go away for a weekend with strangers is any more or less palatable depending on whether the wedding is happening or not

I felt obliged to go before as I was part of the wedding party. Now that it's just a weekend away I would rather be there for my OH.

OP posts: