Should I pay CM for him?

[MintyPickle]

Name changed as outing and sensitive.

I’ve been with OH for 6 years, not married but bought a house together. When I met him he’d just got divorced, he has 3 kids (eldest in 20’s, middle now 17, youngest now 11).

He earns less than me (me £100k pa him £80k pa) We have separate accounts for personal things, I have savings, he doesn’t but we both pay into a joint account to cover mortgage, bills, groceries etc. As he earns less than me and pays £1000 per month child maintenance for younger two out of his personal account (above CMS recommended amount but manageable) it works out that for him to be left with some disposable income after maintenance, car loan etc he pays £1000 each month into the joint account whereas I pay £3000.

I’ve been ok with this arrangement until now but unfortunately he has just been made redundant. I have no problem supporting him until he gets another job, but by the time I have added his £1k on top of my £3k into the joint account, we are left with very little disposable income. Again, ok, I am happy to tighten our belts. But the issue is he expects me to also pay the £1k to his ex for child maintenance. I can’t do this without dipping into my savings.

The issue I have is that his ex does not work and has previously refused to look for a job, so if I don’t pay, this could well impact the kids. We have them 2 nights a week then they are at their mums 5 nights. However I am struggling with the idea of paying my savings to a woman who has done her best to make my life hell for the last few years. I was not the OW and was not even in the UK when they split up but she has badmouthed me to anyone who will listen, including the kids. Aibu to expect her to get a job rather than me spend my savings? I know he has a financial responsibility but he has paid maintenance consistently, at a good rate and has lost his job. If I wasn’t on the scene he’d have to stop paying so why should I pay?

Thanks for all your kind words. I know in my head I’m doing the right thing but it’s hard, and heart breaking. And also difficult- solicitor tomorrow, spoken to mortgage lender today and need to fill in a load of forms to effectively re-finance so I can get his name off the house. I’ve taken most of the money out of the joint account on the basis that I put most in, and I don’t want him removing it, but will need to keep an eye on it and transfer money in when a direct debit is due out. Also cancelled joint credit card in case he sees that as a new fund. It all just hurts and I feel sad and used.

I think you are brave and intelligent OP.
I would also question how a man earning that much doesn’t have a pension or saving but 2.5k disposable income a month? Unless he’s in the latest designer gear or massively expensive hobbies he probably has a gambling g/ drug or porn addiction.
God- just realised how bloody mumsnetty I sound sorry.
Either way sounds like you are best off out of it.

You’re doing the right thing OP, the only thing you can do. Don’t beat yourself up over how things have been, focus your energy on the future you’re building FOR YOURSELF and all that you have to look forward to. Break ups suck, give yourself a break and lean on nice people around you. Don’t doubt yourself, you’re being brave and have all of us behind you

I think you are brave and intelligent OP.
Seconded. I would add clear headed and proactive also. Sending you a hug OP as I think you need it. 🤗

OP,
Really don't waste time beating yourself up.
You have queried, reflected, and taken action.

You are a brave, bright, strong woman who values her worth.
That's it really.

Focus on being kind to yourself.
You have taken action, which is by anyone's standard, to be hugely admired.
I certainly do. 👍

Respect OP, it takes a lot of courage to recognise a bad situation and immediately start making the changes to bring back some balance. I hope you keep strong and get this high life cocklodger out of your life.

My only suggestion would be to close the joint account ASAP. If he has already moved out, change the direct debits to your account and let any creditors he may have get in touch with him to set up his own direct debits from his own account. Just give him a portion of the joint account money (NEVER IN CASH) so he cannot claim later that you stole his money.

(I know... he doesn’t deserve to take any money after you have subsidised him for years, but it will help you to keep the peace and probably save you some legal fees)

Well done op you are being strong

I know it hurts right now OP, but I have to say I greatly admire how level headed and collected you are in dealing with this. Best of luck going forward

Hope today is going well for you OP. x

Echoing the PP who advised closing the joint account. I had an ex who emptied it right into overdraft.

Sorry op but we'll done. Your braver than I am!
Good luck with the future and finding someone who truly deserves you x

Oh I’m angry now. I had a shitty day, couldn’t sleep last night so was tired, crap morning at work then bank and solicitor this afternoon. Both the bank and solicitor were really helpful and understanding but it was emotionally draining, feeling like I’m deconstructing 6 years of happiness in some respects. So drove home in tears and feeling sorry for myself, then decided to have a relaxing evening - long bath, glass of wine, good book and an early night. I’d just run the bath when the doorbell rang, went to the door to find OH’s 11 year old son on the doorstep - OH ex wife has dropped him off and driven off before I’d opened the door. OH obviously hasn’t told her he doesn’t live here any more and she’s dropped their son off for his usual Friday night stay! I’ve called him and he’s not answering, called ex wife and her phone is off, called his mum - no answer. So I’ve now got his utterly oblivious 11 year old playing Fortnite in the sitting room while my bath has gone cold! I’m so cross.

Well at least it confirms that you've made the right decision: if the two of them can't organise themselves to look after their 11 year old son. They both need to grow up and it's fortunate you won't be enabling their ridiculousness any longer.

You can have the bath tomorrow.

You could simply call Social Services. Leave a message on both parents phones saying if not picked up by X time, you will be calling SS. Their son is not your responsibility.

Just leave messages with all of them

Poor poor boy though

OMG - Minty: you will dine out on this story of opening the door to the 11 yr old for years to come.
Bless you - run another bath; check with the kid he is engrossed; order both of you some take away and revel in the surreal!

Poor kid. Neither of his parents looking out for him and the sensible stable 'parent' is about to leave his life after 6 years.

Why does he get 2.5k spending money, the same as you, when he has 3 kids and you don't? 1.5k is still more than I bring home a month, he could have coped just fine!

Order a takeaway pizza for you both and see what happens. Leave clear messages for both parents to pick up their son as soon as they possibly can with a firm order for his father to start being more honest with the pair of them.

Sip your wine and relax OP. Stay thoughtful and patiently wait this one out.

Maybe think about leaving a message for the eldest child too.

Poor kid. I'd second about running another bath, order a take-away for you and the kid. Then deduct a hundred for babysitting this evening from the 5 grand you were going to pay out of him....

Wow just fucking wow. What a pair of losers. What chance does that poor kid stand with a pair of complete tossers for parents. Not his fault obviously. You are probably the only stable adult around him right now.

Wow. You probably don't need someone else telling you this, but you did everything right OP. I'm sorry as this must be painful for you, but you're doing the right thing.

About the kid- I wouldn't call social services this time for the kid's sake, but I'd make it clear that if this happens again I would (and then follow through).

Also, you're clearly a kind and generous person, but also a sensible one with a good head on your shoulders. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise !

Ring all their phones off the hook all night if you have to.

Poor kid.