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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I pay CM for him?

465 replies

MintyPickle · 02/06/2019 02:46

Name changed as outing and sensitive.

I’ve been with OH for 6 years, not married but bought a house together. When I met him he’d just got divorced, he has 3 kids (eldest in 20’s, middle now 17, youngest now 11).

He earns less than me (me £100k pa him £80k pa) We have separate accounts for personal things, I have savings, he doesn’t but we both pay into a joint account to cover mortgage, bills, groceries etc. As he earns less than me and pays £1000 per month child maintenance for younger two out of his personal account (above CMS recommended amount but manageable) it works out that for him to be left with some disposable income after maintenance, car loan etc he pays £1000 each month into the joint account whereas I pay £3000.

I’ve been ok with this arrangement until now but unfortunately he has just been made redundant. I have no problem supporting him until he gets another job, but by the time I have added his £1k on top of my £3k into the joint account, we are left with very little disposable income. Again, ok, I am happy to tighten our belts. But the issue is he expects me to also pay the £1k to his ex for child maintenance. I can’t do this without dipping into my savings.

The issue I have is that his ex does not work and has previously refused to look for a job, so if I don’t pay, this could well impact the kids. We have them 2 nights a week then they are at their mums 5 nights. However I am struggling with the idea of paying my savings to a woman who has done her best to make my life hell for the last few years. I was not the OW and was not even in the UK when they split up but she has badmouthed me to anyone who will listen, including the kids. Aibu to expect her to get a job rather than me spend my savings? I know he has a financial responsibility but he has paid maintenance consistently, at a good rate and has lost his job. If I wasn’t on the scene he’d have to stop paying so why should I pay?

OP posts:
BaaBaaBaaMoo · 07/06/2019 21:35

Well done op. You're an absolute star.

Original poster
MintyPickle · 07/06/2019 21:42

Poor lad, he’s completely oblivious, went off to bed chatting about the holiday we are supposed to be taking him on in August. No idea what will happen with that now. Neither CF parent has responded to multiple messages and texts so think he’s here for the night though. I will NOT be calling social services, for the kids sake never mind anything else, but both of his parents are in for a roasting when I do get hold of them. This is not what I needed tonight but I’m not going to take it out on an 11yr old.

OP posts:
BumbleBeee69 · 07/06/2019 21:44

He has manipulated this to his own end OP, he hasn't told his EX because he thinks you will change your mind, Pay his CM and take him back in his terms.

Credit to you for having the balls for not taking this bullshit. Flowers

p.s. Poor bairn will be oblivious to the everything, not his fault Sad

Walkamileinmyshoesbeforeujudge · 07/06/2019 21:47

In your shoes I would be telling his ds a simple version of your side. Chance to say a proper goodbye to the lad and ensure he feels no blame.
He will likely miss you and a decent chat will make all the difference. My exh was sent packing by me and didn't say goodbye to my dc. My ds was distraught..
You have shown great strength op. Imo it is your 'job' to be as honest as appropriate with him as you know your now ex won't be.

Nanny0gg · 07/06/2019 21:48

Feckless idiots!

What parent would be completely out of contact? What if something had happened to him? Really sick, accident etc?

Starlight456 · 07/06/2019 21:54

2 parents neither contactable . Poor boy.

I think for you though op a reminder of how completely irresponsible he is.

greenwaterbottle · 07/06/2019 21:57

They are both a waste of space. At least he's really shown you who he is.

HoneysuckIejasmine · 07/06/2019 21:59

Bloody hell. You're dealing brilliantly OP.

stanski · 07/06/2019 22:03

I've only just caught up. Well done OP for taking it all in and moving so quickly with it. It was the right thing to do based on the circumstances. It won't be easy but at least you've only got yourself to worry about and thankfully you're covered financially to remortgage in your name only. As for the kid, bless him. Not his fault at all and irresponsible of the parents not to have their phone with them but there's not much you can do. You've done well OP.

stanski · 07/06/2019 22:05

I do however agree with @Walkamileinmyshoesbeforeujudge it would be good for the kid to have a chance to say bye as once he's out of the door he may never see you again and it would be very sad for him, so maybe a chat may help him a little bit

cstaff · 07/06/2019 22:08

And what would have happened if you had been out tonight. Quite possible under the circumstances. Would his mum or dad have answered his call. We'll never know will we.

Figgygal · 07/06/2019 22:17

That poor kid op
You too obviously but agree with others you're doing the right thing protecting yourself

Original poster
MintyPickle · 07/06/2019 22:19

I have no idea what’s going on. Just spoke to OH, who has taken his mother to see her brother, who is ill and lives in Cornwall, this morning. They are not back until Sunday but he is adamant he told ex he couldn’t have 11yr old this weekend. He admitted he hasn’t told her we have split, or about his redundancy, but sent me screenshots of texts from yesterday which show him saying he will be away visiting sick uncle. In the texts ex has asked if I am going, to which he’s replied no, and she’s then said I will need to look after the boy as she’s going out for a friends birthday. He has said I can’t and she’s then sent him a ranty text about short notice and how she will have to cancel her plans. He thinks she’s decided to drop him off here and go out anyway. But she didn’t even wait to see if I answered the door??? WTF???

OP posts:
Ironymaiden · 07/06/2019 22:21

I’d text her and tell her you’re calling child protection

BumbleBeee69 · 07/06/2019 22:22

all very convenient OP, for everyone except you Flowers

Rainycloudyday · 07/06/2019 22:25

You should absolutely call social services to report the child as abandoned. The mother has been indescribably irresponsible if she left without knowing you were in. Any chance she moved her car and watched from a distance then left after she saw you let the child in? Can you drive him back to her house?

cstaff · 07/06/2019 22:25

That explains her quick getaway but it definitely doesn't excuse it. What a presumptuous bitch and like I said what if you hadn't been there. Some people have no shame.

BumbleBeee69 · 07/06/2019 22:27

I think you can see clearly now OP, that both these people have been ripping the piss out of you for a very long time. Flowers

Quartz2208 · 07/06/2019 22:29

He cannot be excused either it was his night he cant just cancel and tell her to deal with it she is right about plans and short notice and he really should be telling her you have split

lyralalala · 07/06/2019 22:29

Your ex is an idiot for not telling his ex that you’ve split up. She’s pissed off that he’s changed plans at short notice and instead of finding someone else to mind his DS he’s just assumed she’ll pick up the slack. So she’s dumped it back on his doorstep not realising it’s not his doorstep anymore.

Don’t get me wrong her behaviour is deplorable, but your ex really is a cockwomble.

Be careful op, if he’s not telling people that could mean he’s still thinking there’s a chance

Ginger1982 · 07/06/2019 22:31

So are you meant to keep him all weekend then? Your ex is an arsehole and you need to tear her a new one if she comes to get him tomorrow.

Ellisandra · 07/06/2019 22:34

I expect you’ve had a selective edit of the messages between them.
It sounds like she just abandoned the poor kid.
But it’s his father’s contact time so it’s his responsibility.
It’s quite possible that she told him she was going to drop and run precisely to force him into being there, or arranging for you to be there.
It doesn’t make her a bad mother to insist that his contact time is his responsibility. Yes, a sick relative would usually trump a night out - I know I’d help my XH out over that. But it’s still not her responsibility.
Your ex is a liar, I bet she told him his son was being dropped off - and the only person it was a surprise to was you Angry

BumbleBeee69 · 07/06/2019 22:37

I agree.. he's manipulated this entire situation to force you into changing your mind.

user1471590586 · 07/06/2019 22:46

Have you told his ex you aren't together? I would text her if he hasnt bothered to. Maybe he has kept it quiet as he thinks she will kick off about who will pay her money.

wibbletooth · 07/06/2019 22:48

Suspect ex didn’t mention splitting up or redundancy because he knew he wanted to drop his childcare responsibilities so wanted ex to think she could dump child on you rather than you being out of the picture and him not being able to get away.

Agree with others that you need to say a proper goodbye to the child and say that you have split up and also that his dad has lost his job.

He will probably say it is not your job to do this - and if you had picked up the phone to do it immediately after he told you - he would have a point. But given the way the pair of them have treated you and their dc - he deserves the truth.

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