Should I pay CM for him?

[MintyPickle]

Name changed as outing and sensitive.

I’ve been with OH for 6 years, not married but bought a house together. When I met him he’d just got divorced, he has 3 kids (eldest in 20’s, middle now 17, youngest now 11).

He earns less than me (me £100k pa him £80k pa) We have separate accounts for personal things, I have savings, he doesn’t but we both pay into a joint account to cover mortgage, bills, groceries etc. As he earns less than me and pays £1000 per month child maintenance for younger two out of his personal account (above CMS recommended amount but manageable) it works out that for him to be left with some disposable income after maintenance, car loan etc he pays £1000 each month into the joint account whereas I pay £3000.

I’ve been ok with this arrangement until now but unfortunately he has just been made redundant. I have no problem supporting him until he gets another job, but by the time I have added his £1k on top of my £3k into the joint account, we are left with very little disposable income. Again, ok, I am happy to tighten our belts. But the issue is he expects me to also pay the £1k to his ex for child maintenance. I can’t do this without dipping into my savings.

The issue I have is that his ex does not work and has previously refused to look for a job, so if I don’t pay, this could well impact the kids. We have them 2 nights a week then they are at their mums 5 nights. However I am struggling with the idea of paying my savings to a woman who has done her best to make my life hell for the last few years. I was not the OW and was not even in the UK when they split up but she has badmouthed me to anyone who will listen, including the kids. Aibu to expect her to get a job rather than me spend my savings? I know he has a financial responsibility but he has paid maintenance consistently, at a good rate and has lost his job. If I wasn’t on the scene he’d have to stop paying so why should I pay?

I would not pay this and I certainly would not use up my savings for it. They children have two parents who aren’t working, they need to take responsibility and get a job, any job to fund their own kids. Also the mother has been abusive to you. I can see you becoming resentful of your DP tbh

based on the latest update She's been relying on you just as much as he has.

I would NOT call child protection or social services. Shitty thing to do, poor kid. Text HER that he doesn't live there anymore and that you aren't sure why the child is there and that you are happy to look after him tonight/tomorrow but that after that it's their responsibility alone.

I would tell ex either he comes back and gets his child or he contacts his ex now to come back by 12, failing which you will contact SS. The child can stay tonight but you will report her actions for dropping an 11 year old on your door without checking and for him not telling her the situation.

Text the ex and tell her he is an ex. She needs to collect her ds tomorrow. Bet she won't though.

When ex turns up, tell her you've split and he's lost his job and has no money. Drop that bombshell

OH is driving back first thing tomorrow to collect his son and I assume will be taking him to his mothers, where he is staying. I’ve suggested we both speak to the kid tomorrow afternoon as I don’t want him to feel like any of this is about him, he’s a lovely boy. I have heard nothing from ex wife, but will be texting him in the morning to tell her that the reason I couldn’t look after her son this weekend is that I’m not with his dad anymore, and that she perhaps should have checked before dumping the poor kid. I’m going to leave it to OH to tell her about his redundancy- not my problem. Going to bed now, so much for a relaxing evening!

Oh, and I really need to start referring to OH as ex-OH but that’s maybe a challenge for tomorrow.

Oh my god!

Your ex should have made arrangements for the care of his child. It is his contact weekend, so his responsibility. His exwife is right to be furious with him, but should not have doorstop dumped her son so she could go out.

I would tell him you're telling her your relationship is over, he no longer lives there, and he's lost his job if he doesn't sort this immediately. He needs to come home and take responsibility for his son. He should have made arrangements to take him with him in the first place if it was his weekend. Wanker.

Xpost.

Glad he's coming back first thing tomorrow.

Poor kid. At least you'll have a proper goodbye with him.

well done OP

Well done 💐

Honestly after 6 years of being in his life I actually think you have a moral duty of care towards this boy. Are you really just going to say goodbye to him?

I've had step kids. I would look out for them/after them in a jiffy.

Honestly after 6 years of being in his life I actually think you have a moral duty of care towards this boy. Are you really just going to say goodbye to him?
I've had step kids. I would look out for them/after them in a jiffy.

I think that's seriously unfair and not right, I suppose you want OP to pay his CM too ?

His parents have a moral duty of care. What if OP was out and the kid was left sitting on the door step for the night.

The mother did a seriously shitty thing dumping the kid and leaving without checking.

I would wait until dss knows you have split up in case she texts him or storms in to collect him. I don't think that would help dss. She does need to know that she made a serious error of judgement and that having been told you were not available and it could have turned out a lot worse.

Bet you will be pleased when this is finally over.

@chitofftheshovel

Honestly after 6 years of being in his life I actually think you have a moral duty of care towards this boy. Are you really just going to say goodbye to him?

OP did look after him, she didn't just leave him on the doorstep!

Eh? It's his parents that have a moral duty- his mother was told she was unavailable and was a CF to dump and run. What if OP hadn't been in? What would the 11 year old have done? The ex is a CF for not explaining the situation to the mother of his child. OP went over and beyond her duty as she could have called the police/ss.

Blimey op that poor kid ☹️

Oh no poor child! I think this shows you've made the right decision OP 💐

Honestly after 6 years of being in his life I actually think you have a moral duty of care towards this boy. Are you really just going to say goodbye to him?

The OP did look after him when his dad had driven off for the weekend and his mum dropped him at a house and drove off not knowing she was even in so that she could go out. OP appears to have far more of a moral compass than either of his own parents.

I think he saw you coming.

£1,000 child support isn't actually a huge amount of money for a man on 80k to spend supporting 3 children imo. It's just that we are so used to men paying the absolute minimum that 1k seems like a fortune. Wtf has he been doing with his money?

You should not pay his child support. And you should rethink your current arrangement. You don't earn that much more than him but are paying 2/3 of your shared expenses. Unless you insisted on buying a bigger house than he could reasonably afford or you insist on super expensive holidays, this doesn't seem like a fair arrangement to me.

You should not pay his child support. And you should rethink your current arrangement. You don't earn that much more than him but are paying 2/3 of your shared expenses. Unless you insisted on buying a bigger house than he could reasonably afford or you insist on super expensive holidays, this doesn't seem like a fair arrangement to me.

Read the thread-they have split up!

Sorry. My phone went glitchy and I missed a load of posts. I see things have changed

So two people not working, and yet you are supposed to now support both of them plus their DCs?? Absolutely no way. Let them sort out between themselves. Not your problem to resolve.

@Livelovebehappy - Have you bothered to read past the first 50 posts? Things have moved on considerably.