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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be selfish and not support my husband’s career?

993 replies

coco123456789 · 01/06/2019 17:32

My husband has a great job but it is very niche. Opportunities are few and far between and very sought after. He has been headhunted for a job which is a great career move for him, and is the next (final) rung on the ladder to his ultimate job. He is over the moon to have been sought out in this way. However...it is overseas and I really don’t want to move abroad. We have such a lovely life. 2 young kids very happy in their (state) primary school, a toddler, family nearby, friends and a very nice way of life. I don’t have to work, but have always done a bit of part time work. The only issue is that my DH works really crazy hours and is really frustrated in his job as he knows he needs to move forward - but has gone as far as he can where he is. He is very very stressed by his job and has no time for hobbies. So I guess maybe my life to me seems brilliant, but to him his life isn’t and he really wants to fulfil his career goals and not work so many hours. I find it really hard to understand as I am not a career person and get no sense of identity from work. Am I selfish to not want to go? I am so scared of the upheaval. It would be for 3-5 years but even that is too long for me. It’s not lost on me that we only have this comfortable life because of his job though. If he doesn’t take it, I think he could become even more down (he has been very down the last couple of years and it has caused a lot of tension between us). In a marriage should I do these things to support him? I am trying to imagine what it would be like if it was the other way around. If I had a really strong dream and opportunity I wanted to fulfil and he held me back. I would resent him I guess. Anyway, any guidance would be great!

OP posts:
Chuffingchuff · 01/06/2019 17:35

I can see your point of view but always his. I think that if he is not able to progress further and hadn't been happy then I would support my husband. Who knows you might like it overseas, if not you know its only for a short time and you would be coming back. It must be scary that's understandable! Is there no middle ground or compromise?

Chuffingchuff · 01/06/2019 17:35

Meant to say *also his! Not always.

Thequaffle · 01/06/2019 17:35

You kind of said it yourself - you don’t understand how it is to have a career so you can’t see that this is important. You may well have a lovely life in this other location and 3-5 years is nothing in the grand scheme. Sounds like a fantastic opportunity for you all. I would be supportive if I were you and ask him what he wants to do. Ultimately, it’s not forever and it’s important to his personal happiness.

Pa1oma · 01/06/2019 17:35

It’s a tricky one OP. Where would you be going and how old are your DC?

Aquamarine1029 · 01/06/2019 17:35

Where is this new job? Given everything you've said, I do think you need to be supportive of this move. It's your husband's career that is completely supporting your family, after all.

AlwaysCheddar · 01/06/2019 17:37

I think it depends on where the job is. It could be great!

Smokesandeats · 01/06/2019 17:39

Is the job somewhere he could commute to and come home for weekends?

ilovesooty · 01/06/2019 17:39

Where is overseas?

I think you do need to support him by at least developing an understanding of the situation.

Sirzy · 01/06/2019 17:39

Is it close enough he could travel back and forth? Not ideal but may be the best alternative?

Original poster
coco123456789 · 01/06/2019 17:40

It’s literally the other side of the world...

OP posts:
LifeBeginsNow · 01/06/2019 17:41

Reframe it in your mind as an adventure. Potentially rent out your house so you've got a base to come back to in the future (letting agents can do the bulk of the work) and go explore!
Time with your family & friends will now be your holiday and you'll make more of it when you see them.
Its daunting but will enrich your life. If you offer a short lease on your property, you can come back and work something else out but I'd definitely say to try it.

Ferfeckssake · 01/06/2019 17:41

Depends on where it is. If it is only for 3 years, go. Rent your house while you are away and you can come back to it all.
In the meantime, DH has his career opportunity , you get to experience a different way of life , and if it is a nice place, family will come visit.
So , as an older lady, my advice is GO and embrace the challengeStar

Purpleartichoke · 01/06/2019 17:41

My main concerns would be your legal rights in the overseas location and protecting yourself financially.

Gth1234 · 01/06/2019 17:42

What about he goes abroad on his own? Lot's of employments work like that.

ilovesooty · 01/06/2019 17:44

He can hardly go on his own to the other side of the world.

Original poster
coco123456789 · 01/06/2019 17:44

My parents are retired and comfortably off, as are his, so could afford to visit at least one a year, maybe even 2. However, I am used to seeing my mum a few times a week and she helps me loads.

OP posts:
SparklyLeprechaun · 01/06/2019 17:44

Just stop being so selfish. Why don't you try working crazy hours with no time to relax and then see how lovely your life is.

Whisky2014 · 01/06/2019 17:45

I would go because 3 to 5 years really isn't long at all. And also, you sound like you have a fear of the unknown. Either you don't go and I'm sure it will be a strain on your relationship if he does go, or you don't go and he also doesn't go which isn't so fair to him..you say you don't need to work but choose to work part time so is your husband actually supplying this nice life you currently have? Or go, try it out and you might actually love it!

BlueJava · 01/06/2019 17:45

Why not give it a go? You might like it. Staying in a job you're frustrated in is awful, plus you seem to indicate (could be wrong) that his job gives you the family lifestyle you want. I landed an amazing job in Asia and moved there, my OH (SAHD) didn't follow as promised but stayed in the UK. I moved back after 2 years, and we've stayed together. But to be honest I still slightly resent that he wouldn't even try.

Whisky2014 · 01/06/2019 17:46

Ah i see its other side of the world so only him going won't work. Yah, I think you are selfish. And you may lose this lovely life you say you have if you don't make some compromises.

ch3rrycola · 01/06/2019 17:47

You need to go with him or let him go alone and live apart for a while. You'll still have the money coming in to live your life and he'll be happier in his work. Although he won't be because he won't have his family.

ilovesooty · 01/06/2019 17:48

I agree that you do risk losing your rather comfortable life if you don't support him in this.

AbsentmindedWoman · 01/06/2019 17:48

Are you not curious? Have you ever lived away from near your parents?

Apart from that - his current way of life isn't sustainable as it is making him miserable. So something needs to change, whether you all move or not.

Pa1oma · 01/06/2019 17:48

Australia?
Personally, OP, I think you have to suppport your DH and go with it. I’m in s similar position to you in that I don’t work. I’m fully aware that our lifestyle is provided by my DH’s career. That the decision we’ve made, so I guess if we had to move that would be part of the territory. Also, if he’s not been happy for years and you essentially hold him back by refusing to move, he’ll resent you for it. Maybe he’ll get depressed or it could threaten your marriage.
I understand it’s an upheaval, but try and look at it as an adventure. It’s only for a few years and with young DC, it’s easy to make friends anywhere. It might be the best thing you ever did.

TemporaryPermanent · 01/06/2019 17:48

The life you have depends on him. You throw yourself into it to support him. sorry.