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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be selfish and not support my husband’s career?

993 replies

coco123456789 · 01/06/2019 17:32

My husband has a great job but it is very niche. Opportunities are few and far between and very sought after. He has been headhunted for a job which is a great career move for him, and is the next (final) rung on the ladder to his ultimate job. He is over the moon to have been sought out in this way. However...it is overseas and I really don’t want to move abroad. We have such a lovely life. 2 young kids very happy in their (state) primary school, a toddler, family nearby, friends and a very nice way of life. I don’t have to work, but have always done a bit of part time work. The only issue is that my DH works really crazy hours and is really frustrated in his job as he knows he needs to move forward - but has gone as far as he can where he is. He is very very stressed by his job and has no time for hobbies. So I guess maybe my life to me seems brilliant, but to him his life isn’t and he really wants to fulfil his career goals and not work so many hours. I find it really hard to understand as I am not a career person and get no sense of identity from work. Am I selfish to not want to go? I am so scared of the upheaval. It would be for 3-5 years but even that is too long for me. It’s not lost on me that we only have this comfortable life because of his job though. If he doesn’t take it, I think he could become even more down (he has been very down the last couple of years and it has caused a lot of tension between us). In a marriage should I do these things to support him? I am trying to imagine what it would be like if it was the other way around. If I had a really strong dream and opportunity I wanted to fulfil and he held me back. I would resent him I guess. Anyway, any guidance would be great!

OP posts:

DecomposingComposers · 06/06/2019 07:47

Are you saying the OP, with a history of depression, should risk a relapse on the other side of the world, with no support, just in case her husband, with no history, develops depression because of a job that he can't leave because he won't contemplate not pushing himself up the career ladder?

You say the DH has no history of depression but that isn't how the OP reads is it? What does this mean?

If he doesn’t take it, I think he could become even more down (he has been very down the last couple of years and it has caused a lot of tension between us)

I'm taking very down and " become even more down* to mean depressed.

Do I think that she should go? No, not if she doesn't want to but I do think that she needs to realise that not going is going to have consequences. Not going doesn't automatically mean that her current life will remain the same.

If her DH has been very down and stressed for 2 years, and will possibly get even more down, then what impact is that going to have, both on him and the family?

Could I just sit by and watch if that were my DH? No, I couldn't.

DecomposingComposers · 06/06/2019 07:50

I'd be asking him why does he want to risk the OP developing depression of she moves.
Is he prepared to care for her? Doubt it.

And equally, why does OP want to risk her DH getting depression and possibly losing his job and the family's income? Is she prepared to care for him?

Lweji · 06/06/2019 07:51

Being down is not the same as being depressed.

In any case, I don't see how his needs trump the OP's.
It's clear he can get other jobs while in the UK. If the OP moves, she may not even be able to return after a few years.

DecomposingComposers · 06/06/2019 07:54

I don't know what the OP means by being very down and likely to get more down.

And no, his needs don't trump the OPs but nor do her needs trump his.

Regards getting another job - the OP seemed adamant that there are no other options. Whether this is true or not I don't know, I am just going on what OP has said.

Mix56 · 06/06/2019 08:16

My DD is "down" in her job, internal politics are toxic, she is stressed, tired, fed up & looking for an alternative.
She is not "depressed" she doesn't need counselling, or anti depressants, she needs a new job.

Lweji · 06/06/2019 08:32

The OP is not adamant that he has no options. He seems to be.
Even though he could have taken the job that involved spending one week per month away from home.
Maybe a bit more inconvenient for him, but still not uprooting the entire family.

DecomposingComposers · 06/06/2019 08:58

The OP is not adamant that he has no options

Well she's the one who said that there are no options for him to get another job in this country. Which sparked a flurry of questions about just how niche this job is.

Even though he could have taken the job that involved spending one week per month away from home.

I thought she said he didn't get that job because he doesn't have the relevant experience, hence why he needs this Aus job.

She has also said that when he does travel for work she has her father come to stay - so maybe she doesn't want him to work away, or the DH feels that she can't cope with him working away (which appears to be correct given that she needs relatives to stay over whilst he is away).

Original poster

coco123456789 · 06/06/2019 10:05

Thanks so much everyone. A lot has come out of this for me. A realization that I am not a trailing spouse type - I actually probably want to work more. I tried to convince myself I was ok being at home, 2 day week job etc but to be honest I’m not sure I am. Having baby 3 has created such a huge imbalance because I’m always there he has been able to work more, which has led to be being resentful I have lost myself. I think a lot of my help and support network is about loneliness, maybe boredom? Trying to be honest with myself

OP posts:

daisychain01 · 06/06/2019 10:17

well done, coco, start to regain some control and balance in your life, so it isn't all about your DH.

Of course he can get a different job, he just need to be prepared to put some thought in, and if necessary to 'drop down' to come back up. I've been there, done that, and it is well worth it, especially the realisation about how adaptable people can be.

He needs to think Darwinian - companies nowadays need people who are willing to adapt and be flexible in their career. He sounds stuck and on a single-track, thinking he only has one option. That's career suicide this day and age.

NasiGoreng · 06/06/2019 10:31

A realization that I am not a trailing spouse type

I was giving you a hard time upthread but you know what, it is OK if you are not the type. I am sitting here thinking OMG she must be nuts but the truth is I am totally the trailing spouse kind. I was never happier than when I was moving country every 3-4 years starting again, new friends, new culture and new places to visit. In fact, one the other massive issues that I have at the moment is that I am dead bored and want to move again, but can't. If I was sent to Australia for 3-5 years I'd love that.

If you have a massive sense of adventure and like change then it is for you. I have actually seen some wives leave places and go home. In fact my return to the UK was delayed a year because my DH's replacement bailed out after his wife decided at the 11th hour that it wasn't for her. In fact when I used to recruit people overseas we did always ask in-depth Q's about how on board the OH was to the move and had induction programs for the trailing spouses and gave them a buddy.

TanMateix · 07/06/2019 00:47

NasiGoreng, I have a massive sense of adventure and spent most of my life pre marriage moving from one country to another under my own steam, I’m very social, can make friends no problem, But as the OP,. I don’t have what it takes to be a trailing wife either: the ability to put your own dreams and aspirations behind you to adapt wholly to the needs of your husband, to become a SAHM or end up doing boring or unimportant jobs or spent all the time socialising just to keep boredom at bay while you fit your life around the needs your husband’s career.

I respect the OP more for having the guts to recognise her wishes are as important as the ones of her husband, especially to accept she needs to get back that part of her career that makes her who she is. I don’t think she is the kind who will have enough with kids and a house with flowers in an exotic place.

pallisers · 07/06/2019 03:23

If you have a massive sense of adventure and like change then it is for you.

Not having a go at you Nasigoring as your response to OP was great but I really never understood why moving to live someplace else was evidence of a "massive sense of adventure". I did it and it wasn't an adventure - it was a bit of a slog and a bit of a revelation but there was no adventure involved - we basically had to figure out how to live in Place A instead of Place B thousands of miles away and it was very similar - find a rental, sign up with utilities, find a job, make friends, - just like at home. What is adventurous about that - is it doing it in a different place than home? Like I said, I did it and it was hard and great and I am proud of how well we did but I certainly never felt it showed a sense of adventure.

Original poster

coco123456789 · 07/06/2019 11:08

I feel the same about the ‘adventure’. I think it is a challenge and a lot of pressure to put on a family, but that is not the same thing as adventure!

OP posts:

TanMateix · 07/06/2019 11:34

After moving countries several times, I would say that the “adventure” lasts for about 3 months and after that the routines are pretty much the same wherever you are.

Mix56 · 07/06/2019 14:33

Sonething's got to give though... , it is almost certain there will be a move which ever way the cards fall

NasiGoreng · 07/06/2019 17:43

During the 17 years I was in my last 2 postings I worked in 2 full time roles that I would never have even got an interview for back in the UK. I earn't an amount of money that I would never done here. I was able to have fertility treatment twice via my medical insurance. I travelled with work and leisure extensively. I made friends from all over the world. There certainly was a lot more to it than a house with flowers in an exotic place. It can often be a very rewarding move with opportunities that you won't get here. I've friends in Australia who walked into top jobs as they seemed massive short on skills.

IncrediblySadToo · 13/06/2019 14:20

I was just wondering how you were getting on?

Mix56 · 04/07/2019 14:38

How are things ? in the last month or so, have you come to some kind of decision ?

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