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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be selfish and not support my husband’s career?

993 replies

coco123456789 · 01/06/2019 17:32

My husband has a great job but it is very niche. Opportunities are few and far between and very sought after. He has been headhunted for a job which is a great career move for him, and is the next (final) rung on the ladder to his ultimate job. He is over the moon to have been sought out in this way. However...it is overseas and I really don’t want to move abroad. We have such a lovely life. 2 young kids very happy in their (state) primary school, a toddler, family nearby, friends and a very nice way of life. I don’t have to work, but have always done a bit of part time work. The only issue is that my DH works really crazy hours and is really frustrated in his job as he knows he needs to move forward - but has gone as far as he can where he is. He is very very stressed by his job and has no time for hobbies. So I guess maybe my life to me seems brilliant, but to him his life isn’t and he really wants to fulfil his career goals and not work so many hours. I find it really hard to understand as I am not a career person and get no sense of identity from work. Am I selfish to not want to go? I am so scared of the upheaval. It would be for 3-5 years but even that is too long for me. It’s not lost on me that we only have this comfortable life because of his job though. If he doesn’t take it, I think he could become even more down (he has been very down the last couple of years and it has caused a lot of tension between us). In a marriage should I do these things to support him? I am trying to imagine what it would be like if it was the other way around. If I had a really strong dream and opportunity I wanted to fulfil and he held me back. I would resent him I guess. Anyway, any guidance would be great!

OP posts:
BigChocFrenzy · 01/06/2019 18:40

Being an SAHP is a perfectly valid choice - if both parties agree to make that choice

He can't continue like this; his health or your marriage will likely break

Yabbers · 01/06/2019 18:42

It’s an unusual job where the next step up can only be done on the other side of the world.

Sounds extreme, doesn’t it.

I also can’t believe the venom on here. Little wifey must just up sticks and leave her family, who support her whilst husband is working ridiculous hours in a job he hates? Why doesn’t he find a job he likes hers.

Yabbers · 01/06/2019 18:43

here not hers.

CallMeCarolDanvers · 01/06/2019 18:43

It's all well and good asking if the OP can make up the loss of income if her husband steps down, but someone who would rather cross the globe than deal with his stresses at home doesn't strike me as being keen on stepping down. The OP says her husband is 'over the moon' with the job offer.

Original poster
coco123456789 · 01/06/2019 18:43

Thanks so much - loads of great advice. My husband absolutely loves his line of work (as I said it’s very niche) and would not want to leave it. The stress at the moment comes from understaffing and internal politics which makes for a toxic environment / morale which he has no power to do anything about.

OP posts:
cptartapp · 01/06/2019 18:43

What's all this "loads of help" you need from your DM when you "only do a bit of part time work?" Confused It may be time to challenge yourself and stand on your own two feet.

Starlight456 · 01/06/2019 18:43

Tbh your post does sound selfish.

It comes across as I am alright jack.

I don’t know if there are other options. But as your dh has been struggling unhappy for 2 years seems like he has put your needs first for a while.

Yabbers · 01/06/2019 18:43

Being an SAHP is a perfectly valid choice - if both parties agree to make that choice
The same is true of moving abroad. It is he who is moving the goal posts.

Holdthedamndoor · 01/06/2019 18:45

He isn't really moving the goal posts.

If this is the only way his career can progress and she knows he wants to progress. They both knew this would happen eventually.

Drum2018 · 01/06/2019 18:46

I think it might be a good idea for him to go for a year and see if this job is everything he's been looking for and if it does actually give him more time off. It seems unusual that a higher level role would allow more free time. But then I suppose the work load may be delegated to the level he's at now. Anyway, if he goes and thrives and loves it then you could agree to move over for a couple of years. Would that be a fair compromise? If, after the year, he found that the work was still full on and his MH was still suffering then he could look to move back home, rather than uproot the rest of you. While it would be difficult without him there, you could possibly visit and he could get a visit home during that time and you'd still have your support network at home.
I would be terrified at the thoughts of such a move tbh so can understand where you are coming from.

Alwaysgrey · 01/06/2019 18:46

But surely a relationship involving children involves a compromise? She works and deals with no doubt most things involving the kids. He works. Whilst yes financially they are dependent on his wage does that mean she should make all the sacrifice when there maybe other options for him? A job somewhere else in the UK. Not everyone wants the upheaval of a move. I’m a sahm (we have two children with special needs) but just because my husband earns the money it doesn’t mean he can dictate we live where he choses. It’s a joint decision.

Furrydogmum · 01/06/2019 18:47

A family I know compromised that they would keep the house here and rent in Australia for 3yrs to see if they both liked it - the wife wasn't sure hence the compromise. They ended up coming back as she didn't settle, and fitting straight back in.. If your husband is unhappy and its affecting your marriage you need to decide if you're a strong enough unit for either staying or going..

Holdthedamndoor · 01/06/2019 18:47

Plus you Presumably manage all the household stuff. That in itself is another job. You support each other. He doesn’t own you just because you chosen to look after your family and work part time

But if he hates is lifestyle and is miserable she cant expect him to keep it up, so she can have the life she enjoys either.

It's not an easy decision. Personally I would let him move alone.

BenWillbondsPants · 01/06/2019 18:48

I knew some posters would turn this into a SAHM issue. Surely folk can see that that is not the biggest issue?

I was a SAHM when we moved. I really didn't want to go, BUT, DH supported my choice to do so and I felt it was unfair not to support him when he was given a once and a lifetime opportunity. We made an agreement that if it wasn't working for us as a family abroad, we would change our plans.

InTheHeatofLisbon · 01/06/2019 18:48

It may be time to challenge yourself and stand on your own two feet

What makes you think OP isn't already? Let's face it, her DH wouldn't be able to work the hours he does if she wasn't doing what she does would he?

That kind of shite aimed at SAHPs winds me right up.

BenWillbondsPants · 01/06/2019 18:48
  • supported my choice to be a SAHM, I mean.
Original poster
coco123456789 · 01/06/2019 18:49

Cptartapp - you’re right. Maybe I need to be more self sufficient. My mum comes so I can have a break, go to the shops etc. I have a cleaner and an ironing person too. But I do look after the kids all the time as he can’t do school runs and rarely can do bedtime.

OP posts:
justmyview · 01/06/2019 18:49

Interesting, I'm sure there was a similar thread a few weeks ago where a different OP was supported to stay home, and wasn't her DH selfish wanting to uproot the family

MarshaBradyo · 01/06/2019 18:50

It must be hard to see him this unhappy?

LL83 · 01/06/2019 18:52

I would feel the same. But you have your dream life, he is over worked. I would try for a short time as possible and hopefully come back to a better situation for you all.

Skype and phone calls will make your mum feel close as well as visits. And if you dont work at all while away you wont miss her help as much.

Renting the house is brilliant idea so no difficulties coming back.

whyohwhyowhydididoit · 01/06/2019 18:53

If you had a good career here I would say stay where you are but given that it is your DH’s salary that enables you to be a SAHM (and there’s nothing wrong with that if that’s the choice your family have made, it worked for me and my DH) I think you need to support him in his career and if that means living abroad for 3 to 5 years I think you need to do it.

And look on the bright side - you might love it! Even if you don’t it’s not for ever. And it will be good for the D.C. to experience a different culture and environment.

Figure8 · 01/06/2019 18:55

Is there a compromise?

Perhaps you and kids go home once a year?

That with your parents all coming over once a year means that you'll never be long between seeing family.

Maybe have a serious conversation about what happens if your relationship suffers- ie, he agrees to let you go back home.
Also, maybe negotiate reasonable working hours for him wrt being home a certain amount of evenings in the week, and time spent in the weekend.

Can you think of any positives of the move ( for the whole family?)

Btw- what happens after this job? Can he come back? Or would it mean another move?

I live away from my family, and it's tough, especially Christmas and birthdays, but this isn't forever.

Original poster
coco123456789 · 01/06/2019 18:55

It is hard to see him unhappy. And so tired all the time. And I am also very happy for him that someone appreciates and values him so much that they want to recruit him from the other side of the world and all the cost that entails (he didn’t apply for this, he was headhunted as I said. Obviously if he’d applied it would be different as there would have been a conscious decision by him / us to look at jobs overseas).

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 01/06/2019 18:56

Right - but why is he so tired and stressed and busy?

Original poster
coco123456789 · 01/06/2019 18:57

I went on the overseas board but that freaked me out as lots of posts about being homesick etc and I know I would be

OP posts:
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