To be selfish and not support my husband’s career?

[coco123456789]

My husband has a great job but it is very niche. Opportunities are few and far between and very sought after. He has been headhunted for a job which is a great career move for him, and is the next (final) rung on the ladder to his ultimate job. He is over the moon to have been sought out in this way. However...it is overseas and I really don’t want to move abroad. We have such a lovely life. 2 young kids very happy in their (state) primary school, a toddler, family nearby, friends and a very nice way of life. I don’t have to work, but have always done a bit of part time work. The only issue is that my DH works really crazy hours and is really frustrated in his job as he knows he needs to move forward - but has gone as far as he can where he is. He is very very stressed by his job and has no time for hobbies. So I guess maybe my life to me seems brilliant, but to him his life isn’t and he really wants to fulfil his career goals and not work so many hours. I find it really hard to understand as I am not a career person and get no sense of identity from work. Am I selfish to not want to go? I am so scared of the upheaval. It would be for 3-5 years but even that is too long for me. It’s not lost on me that we only have this comfortable life because of his job though. If he doesn’t take it, I think he could become even more down (he has been very down the last couple of years and it has caused a lot of tension between us). In a marriage should I do these things to support him? I am trying to imagine what it would be like if it was the other way around. If I had a really strong dream and opportunity I wanted to fulfil and he held me back. I would resent him I guess. Anyway, any guidance would be great!

You are not selfish at all, what you want is also very important. And it is not always nice and bright abroad, divorces are rife in expats groups, mostly because it is often the case one is “living the dream” and the other one is stuck at home, with the kids alone with no much opportunity to make friends, etc.

There are also some risks involved, if you divorce because you want to go back, there is a possibility that the only way you can get back is by leaving your kids behind.

Having seen so many divorces and unhappy expats’ wives, I would say... if you have no inclination whatsoever to go, stay were you are. It is not all about him.

@whyohwhyowhydididoit she isn't a SAHM, she has a part time job.

And what if they get to (?) Australia, and the OP's husband is just as miserable there, but she is stuck on the other side of the world with a miserable husband, penniless, no support network and unable to return back to the UK because the children are ordinarily resident in the other country? Think very hard before moving to the other side of the world in a marriage that has been rocky for years.

All of this with fucking bells on. I've seen this move for just a "few years" go spectacularly tits up for way, way too many women. The power dynamic will tip completely into his favour and far too many people revel in that and situations become emotionally if not physically abusive. I was very, very nearly caught in a similar situation (though not as far away) and not a day goes by that I'm not extremely grateful that I managed to extricate myself safely and legally before I was trapped.

So he has been headhunted but has he proactively looked for work in the UK? I think as you are unwilling at the moment to consider the move then he needs to look at the alternatives so you can both make the choice.

As someone whose Mum died several years ago I don't think I would want to lose that weekly contact that you have now. And considering how many people on here complain about lack of visits from Grandparents I think it is lovely yours are so involved.

I know a family that did something similar and one of their children didn’t settle. The child’s hair started falling out and they were vomiting every single morning before school for months. Not all children can just be relocated for a few years and fit straight into a new school in a different country.

Personally, I’d rather be a single parent here than risk being stuck abroad and unable to leave without my children.

Is he an academic/researcher working in a University? If he’s moving for a Chair/professor position, he won’t have any more time.

If it’s a move to Australia/New Zealand, then will you keep a couple of thousand pounds in reserve, so you can get home NOW, should you need to?

Look at all the possible outcomes.

• you all go, your DH becomes a day of sunshine, it's amazing
• you all go, your DH stays miserable but you stay married/you become utterly miserable, you're miserable far away from home with no money, family etc
• you all go, you and DH divorce, you're skint, have no friends or family or visa so you lose the kids too
• you all stay, DH becomes bitter and resentful, you divorce (but have friends family and a job)
• you all stay, DH works through his current work issues, everyone is happy.

Which ones seem likely? Which ones seem disastrous?

@yabbers exactly! Is this the Victorian era? She has no voice because she doesn’t work full time and he is the primary breadwinner! Plus hubster probably has no idea of what the impact on her and his kids life will be as he’s at work all the time! Will be fine FOR HIM!

Really bluntly - you have a lovely life because he is a high earner, so you can enjoy these years. But his life right now is anything but lovely. It sounds a bit shit. And if you were him, and your life partner said, no, stay in the job that makes you incredibly unhappy, because it bankrolls my life - how would you feel?

I absolutely agree with the previous comment that you and he need to establish that he'd be less stressed, and more fulfilled, in the new role (as far as such things can be known). But if that seems probable, then something has to change. If you don't move, he needs a career path that doesn't cause him such misery, and that may mean less money and a less comfortable lifestyle.

I think you also need to establish whether, as implied, he'd have a better work life balance at the new job. Who says, on what evidence? After all, if you all move over there and just never see him, because he's even busier, then that's an issue and a half.

I also think a few years in Australia or New Zealand could be wonderful. Think of the travel you could do, the outdoors lifestyle such young kids could enjoy, and the quality of life all of you could share. That's not rose-tinted specs; I'm a dual national myself. I wouldn't want to live there forever, but I would love the chance of a few years out there while the children are relatively young. Investigate it. You could rent your house out for the duration and enjoy a family adventure, and then see where you are.

I would think carefully about what your choices here could mean. If he's that unhappy, it's down to being in a job he finds frustrating and past his level but which takes every waking moment he has, and you refuse to move to a place he can work at something more challenging and interesting, then it's not his career you aren't supporting. It's his mental health.

One final proviso, though. Australia is very strong on not allowing people to remove children from the jurisdiction, if there is a split. If you decided you weren't happy, or he met someone else, and you wanted to return to the UK... if your customary domicile is Australia, then he could stop you. It's unfortunately not unknown. If your marriage is shaky, then sadly you may want to investigate that aspect carefully. People crying that you should just go for it should reflect on whether that's a prospect they would welcome. I don't know if you can legally agree between you that their customary domicile should remain the UK, and that it is in their interests to be brought up over here, and have such an agreement hold any water in that situation. But in your shoes, I'd want to look into it.

The marriage has been rocky for years?

FORGET ABOUT MOVING, a move abroad is hard enough for a solid relationship, for a rocky one it is the nail in the coffin.

Stay were you are, if the marriage is going to come to an end, it is much better for that to happen in a familiar place, where your support network is rather than in a random place where you know no one and where you have no means to support yourself.

When ds1 was 10 months old we moved to Canada for DHs dream job/life. I was alone with a difficult baby and no network. DH was working long hours to establish himself and network. I had no friends and no support (apart from meeting one brilliant MNer out there who drove me to the shops).

I missed my parents terribly and they did me (only child). We came back after 6 months. I was so unhappy and lonely there. When we returned MIL was diagnosed with cancer and only lived another 18 months. It made us so relieved we came back. FIL was lost to dementia within 3 years too. DH is also an only and was very close to his parents.

I moved with DH's job 7 times in 5 years but when DS1 went to school I said no more. It massively affected DS1 sense of security and behaviour.

We now have one in yr1, one in Yr R and a toddler and DH gets offered jobs all round the world often. I always say no. It's not fair. The life the children have is nice here. They only have their maternal grandparents left and they live locally. They'd be devastated to not have that relationship. As someone who had no real relationship with any family other than my parents I really love that my children have other people who love them and these young years are so fleeting and important.

If it was me i'd say no.

It would help to know where the location is. What the language is? Just a country would help.

I know someone who has relocated for her spouses career. It has made a huge difference in their lives. They have been able to travel and show their children parts of the world they wouldn’t have seen otherwise. It hasn’t always been easy, but they are now relocating to a different country instead of returning home. They were originally from the US and are now heading to Paris. Their children are in British private schools going into year 7 and year 5 I believe. It takes some adjusting but overall they are thriving and loving it.

It’s not for everyone but you also need to support your spouse in their adventures and careers. Sit down and talk about the pros and cons. What is the minimum commitment, what happens if you hate it, what happens if you love it and want to stay?

What will the company pay for or subsidize? Schooling, language, expat community, food, cost of living, entertainment et al.

My friend traveled to the potential places by herself first. To take a look, check out schools and get a feel for the area. Is that a possibility for yourself?

... or fight for a removal of jurisdiction order (£££££££££££££)

How does he know that this new job will be any less stressful than his current job?
I dunno, maybe I'm selfish too but I wouldn't want to move my whole life without some assurances that all your lives would be improved.

Could he go for 3 months and suss it out before uprooting the whole family?

I went on the overseas board but that freaked me out as lots of posts about being homesick etc and I know I would be
People tend to use those boards as a place to vent.
It would kind of be like coming to mn for stories of happy relationships.

I know a few people who have job hopped around the UK and Europe, and you definitely need two people to commit to it. The ones who seem to do best get involved in groups/ activities etc - they make an effort to find something to join in with, work nights out etc. Those with kids say its easier with kids as you can meet people at school drop off and pick up or with baby groups.

I'd visit the area first - what are schools, houses etc like, what amenities and attractions are nearby, is there a good community or would you be on your own in a local area for local people?

I think I'd want to know beforehand what changes would occur once I'd moved. Would DH be working less hours and therefore be around more to look after the children? Would you be able to work out there too? How would you make friends?
I'd suggest a sit down and chat through various scenarios such as him having more time home and how that would look but also if he had to work the same hours whilst you have no job and with the kids alone a lot, what would happen if you felt homesick?

He is very worried about me. He knows it’s easier for him as he would have a job, a routine to fit into whereas I would have to build mine up and also deal with the kids. He’s not saying we have to go, he fully expects that we probably can’t go because I won’t want to. But I feel bad about snatching away a dream work opportunity for him.

You have a ‘lovely life’ but your husband is ‘unhappy and tired all the time’ so something has to change. 2-3 years is nothing, and it would be a great opportunity for your DC. We took ours to the Far East when they were in primary school for a couple of years and it was a great adventure.

We went abroad for 18 months- so my husband said! I also managed to get a job there and then we were away for 27 years! My children were all born abroad and it was the best thing we ever did. We have lived in North America, Europe and the Far East- I made lots of friends in the expat world, and we still message and meet up. We have been back for 6 years now- it was a difficult transition to come back to the UK but also a new and interesting experience! I just treated like a new posting . We came back to UK once or twice a year and parents and family came and visited often. I miss it (sigh!!!)

I’ve lived and worked abroad before and there are lots of great career opportunities for me overseas. But DH is a homebody, and my parents are so devoted to my DC it would be a big ask for us to emigrate for my career. It’s a big deal moving somewhere you know no one, unfamiliar culture etc. Lots of expats have great lifestyles and really enjoy it (I did!) but equally people can struggle, especially trailing spouses. There’s no right or wrong answer here, you and your DH need to work together to come up with something that works for your whole family.

Katy Ashworth, of Cbeebies fame, had to go to the High Court to fight an allegation of kidnapping when she took their child home from Australia. She and the child had been in Australia three days when they split and she still had to fight it in court. And presumably she had money to pay a good lawyer.

I think one thing you should get a clear idea of is whether or not he will have a better work life balance.

My job is demanding but now I’ve climbed up high enough I can leave early, come later, work from home when I want.

Will his new job allow him to be more present in family life?
If so I’d be inclined to give it heavier consideration it could benefit you all as a family.

What country is it? I think that would shift my perspective...
Dubai or ME would be a very different proposition to Australia

Could he reduce his hours to regain his life and hobbies and you move to full time work whilst he tries to find a better UK based job?

It's fair enough if you're adamant you don't want to go but you need to encourage your husband into a happier job ASAP for the sake of his mental health, even if that means a big paycut and you tighten the purse strings/you work more hours and split childcare more evenly from now on. It may mean downsizing/cutting out holidays etc but it'd be a good compromise.