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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be selfish and not support my husband’s career?

993 replies

coco123456789 · 01/06/2019 17:32

My husband has a great job but it is very niche. Opportunities are few and far between and very sought after. He has been headhunted for a job which is a great career move for him, and is the next (final) rung on the ladder to his ultimate job. He is over the moon to have been sought out in this way. However...it is overseas and I really don’t want to move abroad. We have such a lovely life. 2 young kids very happy in their (state) primary school, a toddler, family nearby, friends and a very nice way of life. I don’t have to work, but have always done a bit of part time work. The only issue is that my DH works really crazy hours and is really frustrated in his job as he knows he needs to move forward - but has gone as far as he can where he is. He is very very stressed by his job and has no time for hobbies. So I guess maybe my life to me seems brilliant, but to him his life isn’t and he really wants to fulfil his career goals and not work so many hours. I find it really hard to understand as I am not a career person and get no sense of identity from work. Am I selfish to not want to go? I am so scared of the upheaval. It would be for 3-5 years but even that is too long for me. It’s not lost on me that we only have this comfortable life because of his job though. If he doesn’t take it, I think he could become even more down (he has been very down the last couple of years and it has caused a lot of tension between us). In a marriage should I do these things to support him? I am trying to imagine what it would be like if it was the other way around. If I had a really strong dream and opportunity I wanted to fulfil and he held me back. I would resent him I guess. Anyway, any guidance would be great!

OP posts:
PicpouldePoulet · 01/06/2019 18:03

So I guess maybe my life to me seems brilliant, but to him his life isn’t and he really wants to fulfil his career goals and not work so many hours. I find it really hard to understand as I am not a career person and get no sense of identity from work. Am I selfish to not want to go? In a marriage should I do these things to support him?

Are you for real?

SmellMySmellbow · 01/06/2019 18:04

Also Dsis has uprooted her primary aged kid for 3 years for a massive career opportunity to a very foreign country. DNephew is totally thriving experiencing a different culture for a few years. They're very adaptable at this age and it's a huge adventure. They'll greatly benefit when they come back to the UK. If secondary school I'd be more wary...

BenWillbondsPants · 01/06/2019 18:05

Yes I do think you're being selfish.

You don't want to support him because your life will change. His life clearly needs to change as it certainly doesn't sound sustainable for him for much longer, ergo, your 'lovely life' could well be at risk anyway. We moved for DH's career. Did I want to? Nope, but I realised that I wanted a happy family more and it wasn't permanent, we're back now.

It was an amazing adventure for all of us and I'm glad we did it - it meant that DH now has his own business and is doing very well.

Your DH is supporting your lovely life, it's now time for you to support his. And no, this isn't one of those 'run after your man' no matter what posts but marriage is a partnership and there has to be give and take. Not all take.

ichifanny · 01/06/2019 18:06

To be honest if I was supported by my husband and didn’t work I’d expect to flow him wherever he had to go , the alternative is working and supporting yourself .

ichifanny · 01/06/2019 18:06

Follow not flow

rookiemere · 01/06/2019 18:07

To me it would depend very much how he presented it. If it was "This is a fantastic opportunity for me and I think it would be good for the family, but I know it's a huge upheaval and a decision we have to make jointly, let me give you some time to think about it" then my response would be different from " I'm the breadwinner so we need to go".

Only you know how shaky your relationship is OP , but I'd be very reluctant to take DCs abroad if there's a chance it could break down.

SingleMumFighting · 01/06/2019 18:07

Living the expat life has been a fantastic experience for everyone in my family. Our standard of living was so much higher. The quality of International schools for example, travel opportunities, learning about other cultures and making new friends. It really is a great opportunity. I would recommend giving it a try. Honestly you will probably not want to come back! Staying in touch with family is so much easier with whatsapp and other apps.

Isatis · 01/06/2019 18:08

So it's a choice between you going out of your comfort zone for 3-5 years, and your husband continuing to be massively stressed and down about his job and not taking up a very rare opportunity for a very valuable career move. Unless you're going to tell us the new job is somewhere massively dangerous, it seems like a no-brainer to me.

combatbarbie · 01/06/2019 18:08

I understand your POV but I'm also on the the YABVU side. You don't deny that your lifestyle is great and all due to your husbands job... However you would sacrifice your husbands MH and career to not support him?

Not only does your selfishness affect the future of your marriage, it will also affect your kids. They are young enough to be uprooted and think you would be doing them a massive disservice not allowing them to experience a different way of life.

My children and DH have followed me to Germany, Spain, Kenya and Morocco.... My husband has loved it, my eldest often says shes glad she has had the experiences, she has played with african children in orphanages, clapped a cheetah, danced with Masai Warriors, helped a blind lady in a souk, played with street kids in Marrakech, stayed in umpteen 5* hotels just for weekend getaways just because etc etc, youngest....well She wants to know where we are going next (currently back in UK) they have more stamps in their passports than most people i know.

I think you need to look at your life priorities as in what does your family need to be happy..... Not you.... The family....

And there will always be the "what if".

Pa1oma · 01/06/2019 18:10

I think the only thing that would hold me back if I was in your scenario would be if one of the DC was in the midst of GCSEs or A-levels. Even then, I would stay while they finished the exams and then join him.

Surely if they’re expecting you to move to the other side of the world, this company will provide a good package - eg, private school for the DC? You could keep your current home and rent it out or a few years?

RomanyQueen1 · 01/06/2019 18:13

YANBU, I never can understand why people put careers before their children.
He shouldn't have had a family if his career was so important, he needs to compromise and put you all first.

bengalcat · 01/06/2019 18:14

Do it .

FrancisCrawford · 01/06/2019 18:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ThePants999 · 01/06/2019 18:15

If your husband is unhappy, your current happiness is temporary anyway.

InDubiousBattle · 01/06/2019 18:15

Would this step up truly be better for him? It sounds like he hates his job at the moment, the hours and stress are long- will this new job be any different?

I think if he's desperate to go then you need to support him. If you do and hate it, well, it's only 3 years and you can come home having given it a go. If you stay and he resents it, that resentment will be much more enduring.

MsVestibule · 01/06/2019 18:16

Assuming it is Australia/NZ (as opposed to South Africa or a Middle Eastern country), I think it would be a good opportunity to try it for a few years. But that's me; I accept that moving abroad isn't for everybody.

However, are either your DH staying in his current role working crazy hours and being miserable or moving to the other side of the world really the only two options??? Could he not look for another job more locally? It does seem unfair that he can say 'I earn the money and I have these particular career ambitions, so I decide where I work and you just follow me'. I'm guessing that he supports you all financially and you support the family on a practical level? Therefore, why do his needs automatically top trump yours, just because he's the higher earner?

MarshaBradyo · 01/06/2019 18:16

Normally I’d say no stay but his mental health is very important to you both actually

Ellisandra · 01/06/2019 18:17

Why is he working crazy hours, and why is he stressed?
And I’m asking because what I’m really asking is - is he going to take that into the next job too?

I think it’s a great adventure, I’ve lived in 4 other countries (all Europe and 1 year stints though) and it’s been great for me - career and personally. I also do think that as you’re happy to take the lifestyle in it, there’s a moral obligation to be as open to this as you possibly can be - just not to try point of being forced.

But... would I move almost as far as I possibly could to be with a husband who was STILL working crazy hours and stressed? Not sure I would, actually.

I work in a very busy, very high pressured (at times) company. Some people are crazy stress heads pulling the hours. Other people - often more senior - are super chilled and out the door on time. Which one is your husband?

fedup21 · 01/06/2019 18:17

Does he think this job will be less stressful than the one he has? Will it give him time for hobbies?

RussianSpamBot · 01/06/2019 18:19

There's no way I would move abroad in a rocky marriage with children. Simply because if things go tits up while you're out there, jf they're ordinarily resident and he wants to stay, you might be stuck. If the legal system were such that this wouldn't be the case, it'd be a different discussion, but I suspect you're talking about Australia?

Boysey45 · 01/06/2019 18:19

Its not just that job or stay in his current one, he could look for other work outside this niche.
If he insists on going then you could stay here and have him fly home a few times per year. I wouldn't move if I didn't want to abroad.

Ellisandra · 01/06/2019 18:20

I don’t think it’s always a case of a less demanding job. If it’s his personality not the role (and that’s the way round I’ve most often seen it) he’s just going to take that with him.

IntoValhalla · 01/06/2019 18:20

I think YABU.
We are a military family and DH’s job dictates where we go. There’s no skirting around it, his job allows us to live to a decent standard without me working and we pay very very low rent on our military houses.
Where we are right now, DC1 is settled in a wonderful preschool and will start our lovely village primary in Sept, we have great friends here and my parents aren’t exactly that far away - we see them once a month at least. It’s the best posting we’ve had so far! But if DH comes home tomorrow and says “I’ve got an assignment order and we are off to Timbuktu”, I have to get the moving boxes out of the garage and start packing up the house for what feels like the millionth time!
Your DH career is what is making half the things you describe in your OP possible. While kids are young, and not at a crucial point in their education, I’d 100% move across the world and allow them to experience all the things that go along with that.
And if your DH’s stress levels are affecting his mental health (as you describe he’s been at a low point for a while), surely anything that might alleviate that would be worth a try? You say his low mood is a cause of tension between you at the moment, so it sounds to me like a change would be good for all of you!
Just think what life in Australia (if it is indeed Australia?!) has to offer!! Kids finishing school earlier, the good weather, the beaches, the sports - the list is endless! Imagine your kids finishing school, spending the afternoon playing on the beach and then a more chilled, happy DH coming home for dinner on the patio?! Sounds like utter bliss to me!

EvelynShaw · 01/06/2019 18:21

Singapore?

Wherever it is, this could be amazing for you and the children. What have you got to lose by trying it? Three years is not a life sentence and your husband sounds utterly miserable.

Supersimpkin · 01/06/2019 18:22

A lot of misogyny here re SAHMs. Maybe jealousy too.

OP, visit the place you may be moving to on holiday - suck it and see.

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