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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be selfish and not support my husband’s career?

993 replies

coco123456789 · 01/06/2019 17:32

My husband has a great job but it is very niche. Opportunities are few and far between and very sought after. He has been headhunted for a job which is a great career move for him, and is the next (final) rung on the ladder to his ultimate job. He is over the moon to have been sought out in this way. However...it is overseas and I really don’t want to move abroad. We have such a lovely life. 2 young kids very happy in their (state) primary school, a toddler, family nearby, friends and a very nice way of life. I don’t have to work, but have always done a bit of part time work. The only issue is that my DH works really crazy hours and is really frustrated in his job as he knows he needs to move forward - but has gone as far as he can where he is. He is very very stressed by his job and has no time for hobbies. So I guess maybe my life to me seems brilliant, but to him his life isn’t and he really wants to fulfil his career goals and not work so many hours. I find it really hard to understand as I am not a career person and get no sense of identity from work. Am I selfish to not want to go? I am so scared of the upheaval. It would be for 3-5 years but even that is too long for me. It’s not lost on me that we only have this comfortable life because of his job though. If he doesn’t take it, I think he could become even more down (he has been very down the last couple of years and it has caused a lot of tension between us). In a marriage should I do these things to support him? I am trying to imagine what it would be like if it was the other way around. If I had a really strong dream and opportunity I wanted to fulfil and he held me back. I would resent him I guess. Anyway, any guidance would be great!

OP posts:

sweeneytoddsrazor · 01/06/2019 18:24

If you dont want to move abroad then maybe you could step up and work full time enabling your dh to do something else.

Nogoodusername · 01/06/2019 18:24

I feel very sorry for you - it’s not selfish not to want to give up a life that for you is very happy, and a strong local support network with young children can be the difference between life being really hard and isolating and all going well. BUT equally your DH is really unhappy and this is a fantastic opportunity. It will all work out for you if you move, but it’s not unreasonable of you to be scared and daunted at giving up your current lovely balanced life

missminagrindlay · 01/06/2019 18:24

I'd be packing my boxes to get out of here. You're being unreasonable and selfish.

RevealTheLegend · 01/06/2019 18:26

If it’s his personality not the role (and that’s the way round I’ve most often seen it) he’s just going to take that with him

I came on to say exactly this.

CallMeCarolDanvers · 01/06/2019 18:27

Again - the OP is enabling the husband to work all the hours he does. She's not sitting on her arse, she has 3 young children and a part time job, and almost certainly does absolutely everything at home. It's a 2 way street.

Holdthedamndoor · 01/06/2019 18:29

CallMeCarolDanvers do we actually know this yet?

She could have a nanny and a housekeeper.

Inniu · 01/06/2019 18:29

I think you need to consider it.
We have been in similar positions a few times. Moved once pre kids, agreed to move with a toddler and expecting twins to the employer kept deferring the move and it never happened. But every time opportunities came up we had serious discussions and made a joint decision

Your children are young so it is doable. I would be much more reluctant now as teenagers are at the exam stage,

What would make the move better for you? If you could afford childcare and had time to join activities where you could make friends? Would you visit and check the place out?

Drogosnextwife · 01/06/2019 18:30

I think everyone has missed the part where the OP says she has always worked!

A lot of misogyny here re SAHMs. Maybe jealousy too.

I was thinking that too! However the OP does work. Why should she have to uproot her whole life and her children's even if she is a sahm? Because the man has the final say because he's the one earning the money, so little wifey should suck it up?

MarshaBradyo · 01/06/2019 18:30

Well he might not last in his stressed out state

InDubiousBattle · 01/06/2019 18:31

Evelyn she has a lot to lose I think, her support network , her part time job (her ability to work at all depending on where they would be going?), her life as she knows it. Which would be one thing if her dh became a really happy, chilled bloke but quite another if he remained completely stressed out, working ridiculous hours...just in another country. Op could end up abroad, miserable, alone a lot and unable to work at all.

Pinkkink · 01/06/2019 18:32

If your marriage is otherwise solid I'd go. He needs to count too.

DonkeyHohtay · 01/06/2019 18:32

Sometimes you need to push out of your comfort zone. This is one of those times. Although Aus/NZ is geographically far, it's a lot less "foreign" than other places as the culture is similar, they speak English and there are lots of other British expats.

It's an amazing opportunity.

MarshaBradyo · 01/06/2019 18:33

What makes him think he’d be less stressed in the new role abroad?

Rachelle11 · 01/06/2019 18:33

I did for my dh's job and I'm quite happy.
I get not wanting to do this but if that is the case then I think you need to figure out a way to work full time and earn more so that your dh can have more down time. He sounds exhausted.

InTheHeatofLisbon · 01/06/2019 18:34

I don't think it should boil down to a male/female issue, that clouds things.

If one partner in a relationship/marriage is desperately unhappy/stressed it doesn't bode well for the future really does it?

Would him being home more and you working more make the stress less?
Or would you be able to work where you'd move if you did move?

I was a SAHM for years, I'm now working and DP is at home and working around my job. I gave him the opportunity to work the hours he did and build a career, now he's doing the same for me. We're a team.

So rather than thinking along the male/female divide is it worth looking for compromises that would work for both of you?

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 01/06/2019 18:34

I think as the main earner he has the right to take any job he wants, However, he can't expect you to follow willingly if you don't want too. So if he wants to go and you don't he makes the choice.

If he's been unhappy for a while and had no free time, I would have looked to change that well before now. You seem to have all the advantages to the lifestyle he works for.

Drogosnextwife · 01/06/2019 18:35

If you dont want to move abroad then maybe you could step up and work full time enabling your dh to do something else.

You have no idea how much the OP earns. Just because she says she doesn't have to work doesn't mean the job she does is shit pay. Also why would the dh doing something else mean he can't earn the same kind of money?
If the OP did work ft it would probably mean higher childcare costs so if she is earning minimum wage there may not be much point.
The contempt women who are sahms or work part time is astounding. I say that as a full time worker with long hours.

InTheHeatofLisbon · 01/06/2019 18:35

I've just realised both compromises I suggested made it seem like you not working was the problem and that wasn't my intention I'm just too knackered to think properly today.

Also my comment about one half of a couple being desperately unhappy was meant to include your DH being currently unhappy and you potentially being unhappy after a move b

Nearlyalmost50 · 01/06/2019 18:36

Have a look on the Overseas board- to give you a realistic picture of what you might face. People often imagine they will have a 'better' life elsewhere, but you need to pin down what better is and see if it is realistic at all- will his money offer a bigger house or a smaller one, if rents and food are very expensive? Is your marriage strong and will he be supporting you to settle and find some work and make sure you are happy? Is he likely to change in this setting from a workaholic exhausted stressed out guy or has he always been like that?

My main concern would be if your marriage is less than rosy if you split you cannot leave with the children.

That's the negatives- there's also likely to be lots of positives, but I don't think they are covered by 'it's a great opportunity' which is what a lot of people say.

I didn't follow my husband when his dream job came up, refused to do so, as my instinct told me we were better staying put for a whole host of reasons. In my case i was right as life threw us a curve ball that would have been horrific to deal with in a different country with us relying on his wage. You are in a different circumstance though, I'd keep talking and keep thinking.

I don't see why people are calling you selfish as you care for three children and work part-time- it's far from clear the other side of the world is a solution to your husband's problems.

Frusty · 01/06/2019 18:37

It’s an unusual job where the next step up can only be done on the other side of the world.
Has he just been offered a part in Neighbours or something?

InTheHeatofLisbon · 01/06/2019 18:37

The contempt women who are sahms or work part time is astounding

This is very true and fucking shitty too.

I felt I had to justify my existence as a SAHM and now find myself having to do it as a working full time Mum!

gubbsywubbsy · 01/06/2019 18:38

I've had the same issue along my dh career a few times .. I don't want to live in America so I've always said no.. yes we probably would have a better life there but I have an elderly mum and sister who need me . It's just too far away .

MarshaBradyo · 01/06/2019 18:38

It’s not contempt for sahm or pt it’s understanding that work stress of this kind is no good for anyone

Having said that I’m not sure why o/s role will fix it - it might but I’d want to look at that

BigChocFrenzy · 01/06/2019 18:38

With a rocky marriage, this is a real danger:
"If the marriage ends over there, he can keep the kids there (and you may not be eligible for a further visa) and there would be nothing you could do."

BUT
something has to change if he is unhappy in his job and working crazy hours

==> can he step back / change jobs and YOU get a job to make up the loss in income ?

laurG · 01/06/2019 18:40

Op I don’t think you are being unreasonable. You and your husband have an arrangement where he deals with the money and you do the family. People saying that you automatically should do whatever he wants just because you are ‘dependent’ on him is incredibly sexist! You have a job. Plus you Presumably manage all the household stuff. That in itself is another job. You support each other. He doesn’t own you just because you chosen to look after your family and work part time.

A move for 3-5 years is a HUGE upheaval. Ok if you have young pre schoolers. Bout your kids are settled. Moving them across the world will be hard. Plus if you aren’t working you will be isolated in a foreign. Country. This is a huge decision. I’d seriously ask why he can’t hold on and get the next job a bit closer to home.

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