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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be selfish and not support my husband’s career?

993 replies

coco123456789 · 01/06/2019 17:32

My husband has a great job but it is very niche. Opportunities are few and far between and very sought after. He has been headhunted for a job which is a great career move for him, and is the next (final) rung on the ladder to his ultimate job. He is over the moon to have been sought out in this way. However...it is overseas and I really don’t want to move abroad. We have such a lovely life. 2 young kids very happy in their (state) primary school, a toddler, family nearby, friends and a very nice way of life. I don’t have to work, but have always done a bit of part time work. The only issue is that my DH works really crazy hours and is really frustrated in his job as he knows he needs to move forward - but has gone as far as he can where he is. He is very very stressed by his job and has no time for hobbies. So I guess maybe my life to me seems brilliant, but to him his life isn’t and he really wants to fulfil his career goals and not work so many hours. I find it really hard to understand as I am not a career person and get no sense of identity from work. Am I selfish to not want to go? I am so scared of the upheaval. It would be for 3-5 years but even that is too long for me. It’s not lost on me that we only have this comfortable life because of his job though. If he doesn’t take it, I think he could become even more down (he has been very down the last couple of years and it has caused a lot of tension between us). In a marriage should I do these things to support him? I am trying to imagine what it would be like if it was the other way around. If I had a really strong dream and opportunity I wanted to fulfil and he held me back. I would resent him I guess. Anyway, any guidance would be great!

OP posts:
swingofthings · 01/06/2019 17:49

The issue is not so much going after a dream but getting out of a nightmare. If he is and has been as miserable as you think for 2 years, then expecting him to do so so that you can have the perfect life that suits you is indeed a bit selfish, especially as you can't be sure you and your kids would hate where he is offered to work.

You also need to think of the consequences of not going. What if his current job gets to him so much that he becomes severely depressed and can't work at all. What will happen to the family then?

Gth1234 · 01/06/2019 17:50

@ilovesooty

why not go on his own? Soldiers do it. Oil rig guys do it. Long distance Lorry Drivers do it. (sort off). Lot's of "great jobs" would do it, and include provision for extended leave, and so on.

Lot's of people do it the other way round. Come here and work. Freedom of movement and all that. It's not always the entire family that comes.

Why does the OP need to change her life for this? I appreciate it would be difficult for the relationship, but so would going abroad.

CallMeCarolDanvers · 01/06/2019 17:50

And what if they get to (?) Australia, and the OP's husband is just as miserable there, but she is stuck on the other side of the world with a miserable husband, penniless, no support network and unable to return back to the UK because the children are ordinarily resident in the other country? Think very hard before moving to the other side of the world in a marriage that has been rocky for years.

PJLove80 · 01/06/2019 17:50

I would go in a heartbeat - I have a lot of colleagues who have done stints abroad with young families and who have loved it, even the reluctant ‘trailing’ spouses have loved it and not wanted to come back. It’s a brilliant experience for children too

TitianaTitsling · 01/06/2019 17:50

Why don't you get the high earning job and let him leave the job he dislikes then you can stay here!

HunterHearstHelmsley · 01/06/2019 17:50

Is he likely to end up leaving his current job anyway if he doesn't make this move?

If I was working crazy hours, having no down time and my spouse wouldn't support me in changing this then I'd consider taking an 'easier' job and they could pick up the slack.

blushmelikeyou · 01/06/2019 17:50

Your not being selfish if you don't want to uproot your life for a few years. Could your partner not look into other work roles or maybe retrain?

jameswong · 01/06/2019 17:52

Well said Sparkly.

People in here uhming and ahhing ffs. This is an open and shut case. You're being massively unreasonable.

Your entire lifestyle is based on his ability to secure high paying work. I'd say if he suggested quitting and staying but taking a pay cut and you working, then you'd quickly look out the passport. And it's not like he's dragging you to a developing country, it's Australia, it's an opportunity most would relish.

CallMeCarolDanvers · 01/06/2019 17:52

Ok so the husband facilitates the OP's life but she's working and providing sole care for his 3 children, and I bet she's doing all the shit work and ironing his shirts and cooking and cleaning etc etc so quite clearly she is facilitating him too.

ilovesooty · 01/06/2019 17:53

I do think that if the OP refuses to consider any changes to her life for a few years that is selfish and potentially threatens the marriage.

CallMeCarolDanvers · 01/06/2019 17:55

But it's not just her life, it's the children, and if it goes tits up then it's not just a few years, she's stuck on the other side of the world until the toddler is an adult.

NameChangeNugget · 01/06/2019 17:55

Why doesn’t he go on his own? Is that an option?

I think he could end up resenting you, if you don’t go

Merryoldgoat · 01/06/2019 17:55

For 3-5 years I think I’d suck it up, depending on where it was.

I wouldn’t go to the Middle East or South Africa but I’d consider most other places IF there was good access to schools and I’d not be isolated.

I think that for such a short amount of time it would be quite selfish not to consider it carefully.

Pa1oma · 01/06/2019 17:57

OP, can you not give more of a clue as to where you would be moving? There’s a difference between Sydney and Outer Mongolia!

SmellMySmellbow · 01/06/2019 17:57

I think you either focus in the positives and do it or look for ways for you to be the one to support your family in your current lifestyle, ie main breadwinner. Or accept a much lower quality of life here altogether. Either way your DH needs out of his current situation as it's not fair.

ny20005 · 01/06/2019 17:57

I would jump at this ! Such an enriching experience for young kids & you all as a family.

Your comfortable life is provided by hubbys high earning job but he's not allowed to be happy & you are ?

It's only a small amount of time in the grand scheme of things & you never know, you might actually enjoy it

Fatasfooook · 01/06/2019 17:58

I would go and support my dh. It could be amazing!

TacoLover · 01/06/2019 17:58

From his point of view, it probably seems unfair that he has to work so hard and for so many hours to fund your nice lifestyle but cannot change jobs to improve his own way of living.

Holdthedamndoor · 01/06/2019 17:59

Why cant he go and you stay?

Do you work? Does his job facilitate nannies, cleaners etc?

If he hates the life he has, with no downtime. Theres 2 sensible choices.

Take this job move or he quits work and does something that may not pay for the level of lifestyle you currently has, but gives him a better quality of life.

Drogosnextwife · 01/06/2019 17:59

No I wouldn't go and uproot my kids from a school they were happy in and leave behind my support from family and friends. I think it's your dh being selfish, not you.

swingofthings · 01/06/2019 17:59

The balance is around each other's happiness. If one is very happy with their life when the other isn't, but is then denied the opportunity to be so, with potentially both finding a more balanced level of happiness, then resentment is bound to set in the relationship.

So it's a case of giving it a try, so that even if it doesn't work, at least he can feel loved by the fact you gave it a go, or agreeing on another compromise which might mean you not having as much a great life, but him finding a bit more happiness in his, if that compromise exists.

daisypond · 01/06/2019 18:00

You say, “We have a lovely life,” but in fact he doesn’t at all. He’s miserable. Life isn’t about keeping things the same. It’s always changing. He’s asking you to consider this move. If you don’t, things could change anyway - he has a breakdown, you get divorced, he gives up his career to be a shepherd, etc - things that you have no say in whatsoever.

PicsInRed · 01/06/2019 18:01

Don't do it.
If the marriage ends over there, he can keep the kids there (and you may not be eligible for a further visa) and there would be nothing you could do.

SmellMySmellbow · 01/06/2019 18:01

Also you say you find it hard to understand as you get no sense of identity from work - sounds like he currently doesn't either, but if he just stops then your lovely lifestyle comes crashing down. That's easier to understand: He's under a lot of pressure but gets no fulfillment.

Sonicknuckles · 01/06/2019 18:01

Moving to the other side of the world is a big deal IMO. I wouldn't want to myself and I don't think you're being selfish.
Ultimately only you can decide but you have to do what's right for yourself too.
There are other jobs and careers.

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