To tell ExH I don't want DC to be left with his DP's teenage boys?

[Jessie1980]

After being at their DF on their last visit they met his DP and her DC, 2 of which are boys 14 & 15.
They told me they had gone down to the beach on their own with one of the boys, AIBU to be concerned about this? ExH lives just on the beach but would not be able to see them from the house. My worry is that they had only just met the boy, I dont know him, they dont know him and my ExH has only known him around 3 months. Our DC are DD5 and DS7.

After what happened with the 16 year old and 5 year old girl on the isle of bute, you cant help but worry about these things.

While discussing facts I'll just point out the Isle of Bute is neither remote or anywhere near Iceland.

While discussing facts I'll just point out the Isle of Bute is neither remote or anywhere near Iceland.

It's all relative. It's remote if you live in Central Tokyo, and it's near Iceland if you live in New Zealand.

You’re conflating the two issues. 1) Does what the father doing seem like a good idea? 2) Is there any way to prevent him doing it?

Could you possibly answer 1?

He has all the facts. He's the parent in charge. It's his call. Not the mother's but his. She doesn't need his permission to do stuff when she has the kids. Lots of parents do things that I don't think is a good idea. Like taking kids to church/mosque/synagogue etc. But they're the parents, and they get to make the decisions.

Some boys like looking after their younger cousins/siblings/friends. Should we encourage them to stop as it's inappropriate? No wonder there are so many crap fathers around who see child rearing as a woman's job

And the prize for the best post on the whole thread goes to......

Lifecraft

That isn’t an answer. But okay.

“Sod that. And sod the posters who think YABU, because they have sons and don't consider them capable of rape/sexual abuse/violence. I'm sure most mother's don't think THEIR sons will be the ones. They won't have to deal with any consequences will they?”

What drivel is this?

What drivel is this?

Utter nonsense isn't. People moan about the Daily Mail lifting material off MN, but this thread is the reverse. I'm sure half the replies have been written by Daily Mail journalists.

Yes, all those ONE IN EIGHT little girls being abused, many by teenagers, is drivel and nonsense and made up by Daily Mail journalists.

So, if this is the case, the children of younger widowers and other single fathers should have a much higher rate of death or serious injury.

I would suggest that with the possible exception of widowers (who aren't as numerous as other single fathers) , single fathers with sole residency or who spend a lot of time looking after their small children alone are likely to be a self-selecting group of men who are more responsible around small children than most. Fathers who aren't that interested tend not to see their children as much and/or palm them off to female relatives. Because society doesn't judge them for this in the same way as they do mothers.

My ex is a responsible professional in every day Life, but when the children were small would do things like -
Leave paracetamol in the reach of toddlers

Walk briskly in city centres without holding child's hand or looking behind to check they were following

Feed a baby/toddler without checking the food was cool enough to eat

Walk off from the school gates without seeing reception age child into school, so child would run after him dangerously near a road (child was intercepted by another mum, who told me. Ex never noticed)

Drive aggressively well over the speed limit with children in the car

However he is very keen to assert his access to the children. If they were still very small it would terrify me. It still worries me about the driving. And I know a lot of fathers like this. Far fewer mother's. I don't believe he is an equal parent, no.

Yes, all those ONE IN EIGHT little girls being abused, many by teenagers, is drivel and nonsense and made up by Daily Mail journalists.

Well let's go the whole paranoia hog. wonder if the boys are Muslim? They could be grooming the younger ones to become ISIS members. Apparently this is very common. Happens all the time. Radicalised young men. They say they're going to the beach, but that could be code for Syria.

Please...won't someone think of the children!!

I would suggest that an adult needs to be in charge for the safety of all the children. Sexual abuse, while horrific is not usually fatal. Drowning is. That would be my first concern.

And if a small child drowned while a teen was in charge, but distracted, that teen would carry the guilt forever. Is would ruin their lives.

It is as much to protect the teen as the smaller child that an adult should be present.

I don’t indeed why either exDP or exDP’s new girlfriend are letting their kids meet after such a short period of time dating.

Pushing them together could have meant lots of very uncomfortable feeling and potentially sad children - lots of 16 year old lads wouldn’t want to say “no” in that situation. Lots of 7 year olds won’t listen to strangers in the same way they do people they know, thus putting themselves at risk, especially near water - mine would be up to his armpits immediately, leaving the teen in a really difficult position.

It feels like a poor way to manage early “blending” of a family.

*don’t understand 🙄

None of the children live on the beach as far as we know - the smaller children's father does but as far as we know his own children don't live with him, given he's known his girlfriend's children 3 months but his children first met them this week.

So there's no reason to assume that the children - any of them - are used to risk assessing safety near the sea.

Half the UK coastal drownings each year are people who are swept or fall into the sea rather than people swimming.

It doesn't say which of the teens took the smaller children to the beach but it does say it was just one of them.

5 and 7 year olds can be either very placid or utterly feral, or anything in between. My oldest boy is a pre teen but I've got a nearly 14 year old daughter who has an 8 year old brother and yes, like most mothers I think she's pretty excellent all round and mature and competent, certainly adored by small children as most friendly teens are. I'd be very unwilling indeed to let her babysit a 5 and 7 year old she'd only just met on a beach without adults on the beach too. Especially with cold UK late spring water which makes drowning if you find yourself in the water unexpectedly highly likely even for people who can swim.

Imagine living with having been in charge when a smaller child drowned. Imagine being the mother of the heroic young teen who drowned trying to rescue a 5 year old you'd just met.

It's pretty terrible parenting sending a young teen to supervise a 5 and a 7 year old they'd just met on a UK beach without adults near by. As others say play football in the garden or park depending on the local traffic and logistics because of supervising them crossing roads and how feral the smaller ones are, but not by the sea!

Supervising a sibling is a little different because the teen knows how reliable or otherwise the smaller ones are, but these children were meeting for the first time.

The AIBU was AIBU to tell exH I don't want DC to be left with his DP's teenage boys.

It's a shitty situation that where parents are divorced crowing over the father's sovereign right to do any irresponsible shit he likes as long as it's not illegal trumps safety concerns. Tell might be confrontational and therefore escalate the situation spitefully, but have a diplomatic conversation about not relying on a 14 year old to supervise the smaller children on the beach!

The concern might have focused on the wrong thing but it doesn't mean the children should be in the sole care of a 14 year old they've just met, by the sea.

As for abuse - that's probably more likely to happen inside the house than on the beach given the children are all under one roof.

Haven't read all the thread but UANBU to not want an unknown 14/15 year old to mind a 5 and 7 year old on a beach.

It would want to be a very responsible teenager and 2 obedient docile children who wouldn't run off in opposite directions.

A 19 year old friend was staying with us and going to a water fun place with his girlfriend...my 9 year old DD wanted to go with them and they would have taken her but the 19 year old was already a little scatty even without his girlfriend to distract him, I wouldn't let her go without a responsible adult there to supervise her.

The sea is so dangerous. I wouldn't even want my 15yo on a beach unsupervised. Even good kids do stupid tho gs sometimes

Pictish it's not drivel. I DO deal with the consequence of my 6 year old daughter bring sexually assaulted by class mates. I deal with the PTSD EVERY day. No one else has to deal with that. None of you. So, yes, sod all of you and your fucking mockery. OP keep your own kids safe

But how?
Unless OP can prove a direct risk to the children and as such is not capable of sole care there is very very little she can do!

Ive got cptsd. I was abused from probably toddler age until 9. I was raped by two boys on a family ski trip, they were 12 or 13. It happens, more than people think. Not all boys (very rarely girls), but is it really worth the risk? It affects me to this day, it always will, my emotional development was stunted, ive a really fucked up set of coping mechanisms and I have bounced from abusive relationship to abusive relationship. I was an innocent little girl in a very middle class family and now I am a shadow of the woman I should have grown up to be. Again, is it worth the risk?

@Whatevermission I'm so sorry that your little girl has been violated. Experience tells me that she has a really good chance of moving on from this successfully. The reason I say that is because you believe her and are fighting her corner for her. That means more than years of therapy. I wish my mum had of been in my corner when I was a little girl, 90% of my issues are from how adults reacted not from the actual offences themselves.

If their father and his partner thinks its ok, then you have to trust their opinion. I can't see why 14/15 yo wouldn't be able to safely play on a close beech with younger step siblings for a while.

younger step siblings for a while

Except it’s not. It’s the first time the teen has met the younger kids.

It’s the first time the teen has met the younger kids.

I know many people who hire teenagers to babysit their children who they meet for the first time. And I know plenty of teenagers who are responsible enough to do it.

Walkingdeadfangirl nobody with any sense hires a 14 year old to take a 5 and 7 year old they've just met to the beach alone! A non lifeguarded beach not a busy one full of adults who might help in an emergency.

A 14 year old babysitter is on the young end for sole charge of unrelated children they don't know in any context, but especially near the sea. In the house and garden is probably ok, once they've got to know one another.

Sole charge of children you don't know in a situation with extra risks, not just at home, would be 16+ for most people.