To tell ExH I don't want DC to be left with his DP's teenage boys?

[Jessie1980]

After being at their DF on their last visit they met his DP and her DC, 2 of which are boys 14 & 15.
They told me they had gone down to the beach on their own with one of the boys, AIBU to be concerned about this? ExH lives just on the beach but would not be able to see them from the house. My worry is that they had only just met the boy, I dont know him, they dont know him and my ExH has only known him around 3 months. Our DC are DD5 and DS7.

After what happened with the 16 year old and 5 year old girl on the isle of bute, you cant help but worry about these things.

I was abused from probably toddler age until 9..... I was an innocent little girl in a very middle class family and now I am a shadow of the woman I should have grown up to be
I have a very similar story, my life has been severely blighted I could have been so much more than this.
All of the adults turned on me when I spoke out, every single one of them, it wasn't even that they didn't believe me they were just angry that I didn't keep my mouth shut because it was inconvenient for them that this happened in their family

@Whatever, the fact that you believe her and that you support her, this is very very important.
In my case one parent reacted with Fury and said that I was now dead to them
My other parent shrugged and remarked that it wouldn't be fair to cause any problems for the perpetrator, that I shouldn't do anything to make life difficult for him now
This was their response on being told that their infant daughter had been molested by a family member, the message from them that I am worth nothing is far more damaging in many ways then the molestation

@ulerego yes to what you are saying. My sister and I were abused by our half brother around the ages of 7 to 10. When I was 11 or 12 he used to call it a "game" to chase us around the house and if he caught me he would stick his hand down my pants. I remember i was growing public hair at that time and felt very embarrassed so i used to shave them off so he wouldn't know 😔

To this day my mother doesn't know. Only me and my sister know and to tell her would cause so much upset and trouble in the family it's just worth letting sleeping dogs lie.

The problem is that in letting the sleeping dogs lie you are putting yourself at the bottom of the pile you're giving yourself the message that you are not important, and also that avoiding inconvenient truths is more important than acknowledging and healing the damage done to children

I was also coerced into sex games by an older female neighbour, during school holidays from the age of about 7 or 8 onwards my parents were at work and I was left alone, this was in the 1970s.
I used to go round to her house I think I was about 7 or 8 she was maybe 14 or 15, during this game I had to pretend to be her boyfriend it was weird and I didn't like it but because she was older than me I was flattered by her attention and wanted to please her.
Having been victimised at an early age you tend to become a vulnerable to other predators.... you've already been 'marked' and softened up

I don't know, I mean my mother watched the recent Michael Jackson documentary about his abuse towards those boys and point blank refused to believe any of it, dismissing them as attention seekers and liars.

My sister and I don't have anything to do with our half brother now but my mum still sees him weekly. She wouldn't want to believe it.

to all of you on this thread that were abused and not believed/protected

My dds abuse happened at school. And the teachers responses included 'it was just a game' and 'we have to protect the boys and the school from the allegations'; it's a problem that victims aren't listened to. The kids had admitted to touching and hurting my DD, so 'whether it was true' wasn't even in question

Somewhere in her mind she knows the truth, she has to rubbish the Michael Jackson allegations because she cannot allow a pathway towards the truth, she cannot tolerate the thought that she is in anyway at fault and so she refuses to believe anything which is contrary to what she wants

ulterego what is the motivation? Why don't parents believe and protect their kids over everyone else? As a parent I can't put myself in that position.

I was raped as a teenager. By a teenaged boy as it happens (I even forgot that, whilst talking about dds experiences, on this thread!) I didn't even tell my parents. I just 'knew' they would blame me. I told them a few years ago. They have never asked me a single thing about it. I don't get it

As the mother of 2 lads now 18 and 17, I see protecting them as a main duty. Part of this would be to protect them from allegations, so I have always told them not to be alone with minors. Maybe DH and I have attended too many safeguarding training sessions but if they were volunteers in a school they would not be left alone with 5 and 7 year olds.

The teachers response is extremely insulting and only compounds the abuse, ultimately the response, (which is an effect a kind of catch and kill manoeuvre) makes the school look very very bad.
They are choosing to frame it as just a game, and they are pointing to the reputation of the boys and the reputation of the school as priority, as the things which must be protected.
A game is a situation where everyone agrees and the aim is to have fun when they say it's a game what they are saying is that your daughter wanted this and that she enjoyed it. It is victim blaming it is very very wrong, predatory, abuse of power, trample on the weak.

The message sent to the boys is that their reputation is more important than the wellbeing of girls they are being told that they can abuse girls and women and institutions ..institutional power will protect them.
Sexual predators in training are being given a big green light.

What is the motivation?
I think it is to protect their own egos, to maintain their idea of themselves as good people who do the right thing, and as important people whose comfort and convenience is the highest priority

There have been recorded cases of female abusers working in nurseries and in schools. These cases are more numerous than those of 15 year olds abusing small children.

Do we abandon the education system? But yeah, just assume 15 year old boys are predatory peadophiles. Nice.

I think that in some people's minds what they do is completely flip the situation, on hearing that you were sexually abused as a toddler by an older male relative they think to themselves 'even as a tiny child she was an evil temptress trying to ruin the reputation of men' if they learn that you were the victim of a Predator later on in life this just reinforces their belief that you are the person who is at fault you are the evil one.
When you are abused as a small child you have been stained and contaminated in a very fundamental way and from then on all the dirt clings to you

These cases are more numerous than those of 15 year olds abusing small children

Evidence?

My 18 year old has just got a job with a group that runs music and art workshops for under 5s. There will, I am sure, be people who question his motives. That’s the price men have to pay for not taking seriously and dealing with the fact that they commit the overwhelming majority of violent and sexual crime.

A game is a situation where everyone agrees and the aim is to have fun when they say it's a game what they are saying is that your daughter wanted this and that she enjoyed it

I needed my dds therapist to actually tell me this ulterego. It was just really confusing. So, I'm an idiot

. That’s the price men have to pay for not taking seriously and dealing with the fact that they commit the overwhelming majority of violent and sexual crime

Bertrand THIS ^

You are not an idiot you just expected the school to do the right thing and protect the vulnerable, instead they preserve and protect the positions of the powerful

“That’s the price men have to pay for not taking seriously and dealing with the fact that they commit the overwhelming majority of violent and sexual crime.”

I’ve rarely seen a more bigoted or hateful post on any thread than this. When you unpack all that is contained within that comment, it’s very sad.

I always assumed professionals knew better than me. I have lost all faith in the educational system tbh

There have been recorded cases of female abusers working in nurseries and in schools. These cases are more numerous than those of 15 year olds abusing small children

I don’t imagine there is data to back that up - but there is data that proves men are overwhelmingly the perpetrators of sexual abuse. 98% of sexual violence is perpetrated by men. That’s from the ONS.

So how do you figure females are more likely to be abusers than teenage boys?

Professionals will do what is in their own best interests they will protect their profession and their own salaries and positions

For Fucks Sake, the overwhelmingly huge majority of teenage boys do not abuse little girls. How do you people live your lives?

“I’ve rarely seen a more bigoted or hateful post on any thread than this. When you unpack all that is contained within that comment, it’s very sad.“

Yes, it’s incredibly sad, I agree. Heartbreaking. But true.

Billy - who said the majority of teenage boys are abusers?

The facts are that some are, and juvenile sex offenders make up a large proportion of sex offenders, the vast majority of which are male.

I'm sure the OP (who never came back) would rather not take the risk of sending two small children off with teens she, nor they, had ever met.