Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell ExH I don't want DC to be left with his DP's teenage boys?

284 replies

Jessie1980 · 31/05/2019 12:06

After being at their DF on their last visit they met his DP and her DC, 2 of which are boys 14 & 15.
They told me they had gone down to the beach on their own with one of the boys, AIBU to be concerned about this? ExH lives just on the beach but would not be able to see them from the house. My worry is that they had only just met the boy, I dont know him, they dont know him and my ExH has only known him around 3 months. Our DC are DD5 and DS7.

After what happened with the 16 year old and 5 year old girl on the isle of bute, you cant help but worry about these things. Shock Sad

OP posts:
PotatoesDieInHotCars · 31/05/2019 14:40

I dont know him, they dont know him and my ExH has only known him around 3 months.

You don't need to know him. They're getting to know him. How long does your ExH need to know him before he knows for sure if this teenage kid is a raging pervert or not? The boy's mum has known him for 14/15 years. She seems to think he's ok.

KurriKurri · 31/05/2019 14:42

I think the main point is that you don't know these boys and therefore don't know if they are responsible enough to look after little ones.
I worked with teenagers - had them do work experience with me in a childcare role - and I've had some who were brilliant 9often those with younger sibs so more clued up) but I had one 16 yr old boy who was so utterly lacking in common sense and unable to spot potentially dangerous activity, he couldn't ever be left supervising an activity with the children.
As with all people young or old, individuals vary in their competance.

The idea of them being predators wouldn't be a concern - I think that would be extremely rare and unlikely - one very disturbed young man shouldn't make us view all teenage boys as monsters.

I would discuss it with your ex - he should have some idea of how sensible the teenagers are, - but personally I would err on the side of caution since it is playing on the beach, and young children off and get lost very easily even with adults supervising. (COuld your X go to the beach with them, so your Dc can play with the older boys - which I'm sure they love doing - with him generally supervising in the background.)

Lifecraft · 31/05/2019 14:47

I think most of you are being extremely naive if you don't think that opportunistic molestation of little girls by teenage boys isn't quite common.

So it's quite common is it? Can you give us a percentage of teenage boys that would opportunistically molest a little girl. 90%? 50%? 25%?

Would you include your husband/dad/brothers in this. When they were teenage boys, would they have molested a little girl, given the opportunity?

BertrandRussell · 31/05/2019 14:47

“I have a 4 year old DD and 2 year old DS”

But these children are 5 and 7. So not the same thing at all.

BertrandRussell · 31/05/2019 14:48

“unsupervised access to younger children is often a disaster waiting to happen. It won't necessarily be anything violent, more along the lines of "games".
I know it's horrible and people hate thinking about it but it's sadly not at all rare.”
Evidence please?

PeggySuehadababy · 31/05/2019 14:51

"I'd be very concerned too, as to why two boys of that age would want to take care of little ones."

Some boys like looking after their younger cousins/siblings/friends. Should we encourage them to stop as it's inappropriate? No wonder there are so many crap fathers around who see child rearing as a woman's job.

herculepoirot2 · 31/05/2019 14:52

How long does your ExH need to know him before he knows for sure if this teenage kid is a raging pervert or not? The boy's mum has known him for 14/15 years. She seems to think he's ok.

By this logic, all the child molesters in the world sprang into being out of a patch of moss. Nearly everyone has a mum who thinks they’re okay. Not everyone is actually okay.

Notabedofroses · 31/05/2019 14:53

I think the youngest one is too young to be left near the water, teen boys will be having fun and will be unlikely to be as vigilant and careful as an adult ( I have sensible teen girls same age) and still wouldn’t. They are on their phones, parking around, distracted generally.

I would approach it with real enthusiasm when your children are older (and strong swimmers) it would be a good idea for an hour (with parents checking in) but it is too soon now.

Proseccoinamug · 31/05/2019 14:54

The only issue I would have is the fact that it was the beach. The park etc, I’d be fine with.

dreichuplands · 31/05/2019 14:54

It sadly isn't that rare.
www.google.com/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/society/2018/sep/18/childline-rise-young-people-seeking-help-peer-on-peer-abuse-uk
In this case the OP has little control so might be better to focus her attention on making sure that her dc are clear about good touches/bad touches, underwear rules and who they can talk to if they feel uncomfortable.
Bringing in high profile unusual cases isn't that helpful.

PositiveVibez · 31/05/2019 14:55

The boy's mum has known him for 14/15 years. She seems to think he's ok

If I was the OP, I would think that the mothers judgement is shite if she is prepared to play happy families introducing a new man into her teenage sons lives after only a few dates.

SimulationTheorist · 31/05/2019 14:57

It's actually really hard to research child abuse, as a lot of cases go unseen so are grossly underestimated. The Australian government has carried out research into juvenile sexual offenders and found that "offences by young people (I'll just add in that's between the ages of 13 and 17) account for up to 50% of offences against children". Obviously that's Australia, but that's a lot.

In this country, the NSPCC has shown that one in EIGHT young girls are abused. And that's only the ones we know about. Over 80% of those are by someone known to them.

There are also some stats out there about why teenagers are more likely to abuse, due to sexual experimentation but I can't remember the research off the top of my head.

Again, it's fairly obvious that those of us who would be uncomfortable with the situation don't think that all or even most teenagers are sexual abusers, but statistics show that they exist.

Missillusioned · 31/05/2019 14:59

I would never trust my child of that age with an unknown teen near water. Teenagers are very distractible and I just wouldn't trust they would be vigilant enough.

And this is the problem with divorce. People say the father is an equal parent, but in a lot of cases when it comes to safety he really, really isn't. I know my ex husband has a much laxer approach to safety than I do. There were numerous incidents when we were together that demonstrated this. And this seems to be common among other fathers I know.

However now he has left me I have to hand over the children to him for contact and this really worries me. Luckily they are a bit older now, but I would never judge a woman who didn't LTB because of this.

Lifecraft · 31/05/2019 15:00

@BertrandRussel* Evidence please

Oh stop it. What has evidence got to do with anything. If you start asking for evidence, before long someone will want facts, then someone else will want actual knowledge, and who knows where it'll end. Demanding evidence is the slippery slope towards logic.

SimulationTheorist · 31/05/2019 15:03

Missillusioned - I agree to a point. My ex husband would have cared more about getting his end away than looking after his child and would have relished an opportunity to send him off with whoever, in order to do so. Thankfully the courts saw him as a completely unsuitable father and he hasn't seen him for 11 years.

Again, NAMALT but some are.

Whatevermission · 31/05/2019 15:03

Sod that. And sod the posters who think YABU, because they have sons and don't consider them capable of rape/sexual abuse/violence. I'm sure most mother's don't think THEIR sons will be the ones. They won't have to deal with any consequences will they

Lifecraft · 31/05/2019 15:04

People say the father is an equal parent, but in a lot of cases when it comes to safety he really, really isn't. I know my ex husband has a much laxer approach to safety than I do.

So, if this is the case, the children of younger widowers and other single fathers should have a much higher rate of death or serious injury.

Please point me to those statistics. They must be available .

herculepoirot2 · 31/05/2019 15:04

Lifecraft

Do you make every judgement based on statistics?

SimulationTheorist · 31/05/2019 15:05

I don't think it's a man thing, Lifecraft. Plenty of shit mothers out there too.

stucknoue · 31/05/2019 15:10

My only concern would be water safety - teenagers can get distracted and forget they are minding little ones. Though a lot depends on your dc's and whether they can be seen from the house.

Lifecraft · 31/05/2019 15:21

Lifecraft

Do you make every judgement based on statistics?

I know, daft isn't it. Looking at what's actually happened. I should be making judgments based on "my ex husband had a lax attitude to safety" combined with a one of case on some remote Scottish Island somewhere near Iceland. Those are obviously far better indicators of the facts.

herculepoirot2 · 31/05/2019 15:22

Lifecraft

Of course you should make judgements about your children based on things that have happened, and based also on the circumstances in which you find yourself. We’re not computers.

Lifecraft · 31/05/2019 15:29

Of course you should make judgements about your children based on things that have happened, and based also on the circumstances in which you find yourself. We’re not computers.

The children's father, who is the parent in charge, has done that. And done it with far more knowledge of the situation than their mum or a whole load of nobodies on MN.

herculepoirot2 · 31/05/2019 15:31

Lifecraft

You’re conflating the two issues. 1) Does what the father doing seem like a good idea? 2) Is there any way to prevent him doing it?

Could you possibly answer 1?

ffs74 · 31/05/2019 15:32

I find this sad too. My ds is 14 and an older cousin, he would be heartbroken if anyone suspected his motives for helping out with younger children Sad