What the hell with colleague

[SalemShadow]

We have a colleague who is always instigating work socialising and organising nights out. Prob is she never wants to pay for anything. She never ever buys a drink. She always asks me and my colleagues to get the bogof drinks and she will get the next ones but she never does. She has blagged lunches off colleagues by forgetting her purse app and never paying back. We went out yest and my colleague said she would get the first drink but she needed to get the next ones. She never did. It was awkward as she just sat there with empty glasses. A couple of times she has been on lunch and said she needed a sandwich but forgotten her purse. We went in the sandwich shop once on her request and I'd already eaten a sandwich from home as trying to save money. She looked in her purse she only had some pound coins which she is collecting app. She then proceeded to ask me to pay for her sandwich as she can't spend her coins as collecting. She's asking me and a colleague to come on a few nights out with work in the next few months and trying to convince us to come for a break away. I don't know how to deal with her politely as she won't pay for anything! It's really starting to piss me off. Aibu?

"Will you buy me a sandwich"

No

Job done

feign surprise and ask in a conspiratorial tone , ooooh yesss and just how were YOU going to pay for OUR food / drinks, ? I don't think its one of them kind of places .

Eh?

I think she takes the title of cheekiest CF!

What Patroclus said- if this was a bloke he would have been mercilessly torn to pieces with moths-in-the-wallet jokes well before now and made to stand his rounds or not join them.
If she has fallen on hard times she can make sandwiches to bring and drink water occssionally, like the rest of us would do. Not getting shop bought sandwiches and nights out all the time is hardly Ken Loach style deprivation.

She is the one always instigating nights out.

Why wouldn't she? You all pay for her!

@SalemShadow - you posted She's not socially awkward. She is very outgoing
For that see "She has the brass neck and doesn't care if anyone notices, just if someone will be as brazen as her and point out that you have noticed"!

The suggestion that @Deathraystare has, is good. It's polite without the possibility of being misinterpreted.

Op I’ve said before but seem to care too much what they think of you

If you are a bitch, catty, look like a miserable so and so.
But I can’t stress this enough to you. Just don’t give a fuck.
It will change your life.the first time you say no here you will feel good and soon it will be like water off a ducks back.

This reminds me of the thread on MN where two mums used to meet up in a coffee shop and one of them used to always make excuses and leave before the bill arrived. The one that left always had slices of chocolate cake and more expensive food until one day the first one, who had been subsidizing this woman said (after much encouragement from MN) "Oh Sally, I only have enough in my purse for mine today, you'll have to pay for yours" and left. This left the second one in a bind but I will see if I can find the thread and post a link to it. It's a year or so old but it's brass neck territory.

Ask her for the sandwich money back and a double gin and tonic with only insert best gin they have as you're on a new diet.
Agree with colleagues that NO ONE is to go up to the bar but her.

IMO, this is NOT being cheeky, it is just being a fecking thief.

This

Next night out the rounds come from a kitty which you can choose to enter or not. No money in kitty you get your own drinks. But make sure she never holds the kitty.

Just say ‘sorry I can’t afford it’ and turn away. And as for drinks ‘it’s your round’ - if she says she can’t, then it’s a ok - and get a round in without getting her one. Cheeky mare.

If she suggests a night out say only if she buys the first round!

Whatchamacallit I was thinking about that thread as I was reading this! The OP of that thread had loads of MN encouragement, and when she met her the next time she took exactly enough cash for her own meal. When it got to the end and the CF friend asked if she could owe her, OP said no sorry I've only got enough cash for my own. IIRC the CF friend ended up having to ring her parents to do a bank transfer so that she could pay her bill!

You and colleagues have enabled her - just say no next time. She keeps asking and you guys oblige - do you blame her for trying it on everytime if she knows she’ll get away with it?

You need to be direct OP.
Buy me a sandwich? No sorry, I've done that before and you didn't pay me back. You keep asking others too and don't pay them back either. I don't want to buy your lunch.

Going out? Ask when she arranges it if she will be buying the first round as you have had enough of her not buying drinks or paying her way. If she refuses when you get there buy a round excluding her.
Alternatively always organise a kitty when you go out.

She forgets her purse? Her problem, tell her that you don't lend people money when they don't pay it back.

Will this piss her off? Yes. Because your choice is either to subsidise her (making you cross) or have her pissed at you.

Theres always someone like this at work, I once went to the sandwich shop and people said they would pay me when I returned. Never again, I was chasing the money from some people for ages.

Just stop paying for her and say you can only afford to get your own whatever it is, beer, food etc.

And just do a little mental tally of how much you've spent on her.

You'll be surprised...

Not only is she disgustingly mean, she's a bully, getting annoyed with you when you challenged her behaviour.

Years ago my office had a night out and when it came to one of the girls round, she said she'd forgotten her money, again, (after drinking several rounds). My friend offered to loan her 20 pounds and she said "No thanks, then I'd have to pay you back". She then just expected the round to pass her to the next person. The next person (a good friend of mine and well able), brought her water. Not only that, in an office 60 people she was disgraced as it really pissed off the 10 other women on the night out.

How you have allowed her to exploit you like that is extraordinary.

Why would you want to socialise with someone like that.

I would have a big think about your boundaries as this could be an area that will be an issue for you in relationships.

Best of luck.

OP, I hope you've gained some ideas (and strength balls) from the replies here.

I hope CFer tries to pull this crap again today and you finally get her told, (in front of her other subsidisers) with the advice from this thread fresh in your memory.

I do love a good CF thread!

I can never understand people who think they'll be seen as a bitch, or worry that they'll get some head biting comment back. The CF is relying on you feeling too awkward to stop her getting away with it, that's her only strategy. You don't have to give a damn whether she thinks you're a bitch or what her reaction is, all you have to do is be able to live with yourself.

Personally, when somebody has been rude to me, I don't consider it a problem to stop being polite to them. Expecting you to pay for her repeatedly without ever paying you back is rude in the extreme.

Things that I would have no hesitation in replying to her;

Buy me a sandwich

No.
No and please don't ask me again.
Kinda awkward of you to ask, Karen, you haven't paid me back for the last few!
that's the third time you've asked me to buy you food and you've never paid me back. Doesn't it get awkward? [allow vacuous silence]

I've forgotten my purse

..... again? [disbelieving face]
That must suck.
But how will you pay?
But it's your turn to pay
That's weird, I mean it's pretty hard to forget something all women are in the habit of carrying in their handbags with their keys and other essentials
LOL I had a friend who kept "forgetting" their purse. Turned out they thought other people would just buy then stuff and they'd never pay it back. What a CF!! Glad I.Don't fall for that any more
So go back and get it

Can't you just sub me

No, because you never pay me back.
I'm not an ATM.

Buy the BOGOF drink and I'll get the next one

But you always ask for that and never buy the next one
Great idea, I'll have the pornstar martini, it's your turn to get them in, while you get served at the bar I'm just going to the loo.
That's a great idea, let's all get two drinks each, what are you going to have?
Mmm no, I'm fancying this other drink.
Hmm no I'm fancying this other drink. Hey you get them in, I hate waiting at the bar, and I'll go find us a table, thanks love!
But you said that last time, then we all sat there with empty glasses and you didn't get another round in
No thanks, you never reciprocated or paid me back last time
LOL yeah nice try its your round, cough up!

I'm collecting these coins

[Loud laughter] Oh honestly Karen you're so funny! 😂😂😂😂 [silly voice] "I'm collecting these coins" 😂😂😂 I must remember that one it's a hoot!!^

LOL well don't look at me, I collect ALL of my coins and notes!

I'm serious, I want you to buy me a sandwich because I can't spend the coins I'm collecting

No love, I'm not going to buy you a sandwich when you're standing in a sandwich shop with your own money. That would be ridiculous.
Let me get this clear, you just want to spend my money not yours? Not happening, and I think it's rude that you would ask or expect that.

^So pay on card, go get more cash out or

We had a mate like this, we decided before a night out to only get him tap water when we were buying our rounds, that sorted the tight fucker out.

SimonJT That is a brilliant solution!

@Patroclus
Sorry to say this, but if this was happening in a group of men, the tight bastard would be torn to shreds.

YUP. It would only take once or twice for this to be noticed or called out. I’m a woman but I still wouldn’t mind confronting her. I don’t have time for this level of conniving.

She seems to be taking even a sort of malicious satisfaction from this, possiby even brags about it, so fuck politeness.

YUP AGAIN. She’s probably laughing about it behind all your backs, OP. She probably can’t brag to her friends about it because she’s likely doing the same to them but she probably has a few shyster friends and they compare notes!

She is not a ‘CF’, she is a thieving bullying bitch. To bite your head off when called out tells you all you need to know. She knows exactly what she is doing - its all very calculated.

I would def talk to a friendly colleague or two - there is no way that they have not noticed too. Next time she organises something, say fine, that would be great but I am on a budget so will only be buying my drinks (and prep your colleagues to then also say “oh thats a good idea - I am saving for holiday money anyway”) then watch her fume as everyone refuses to fund her.

if she asks you to go anywhere just say ‘I’m buying my own’ that’s it - if she asks No - I can’t afford to buy yours and mine (I’ve been doing this for the last x months) and I’m skint buying you everything. You need to stop as it’s coming across as rude now. If she bites your head off ask ‘when did you last buy a round?’ Then ask again and again and again calmly the same question and say if we take it in turns - you will be going first for the next 6 months as we have all been paying for you