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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

What the hell with colleague

287 replies

SalemShadow · 30/05/2019 21:56

We have a colleague who is always instigating work socialising and organising nights out. Prob is she never wants to pay for anything. She never ever buys a drink. She always asks me and my colleagues to get the bogof drinks and she will get the next ones but she never does. She has blagged lunches off colleagues by forgetting her purse app and never paying back. We went out yest and my colleague said she would get the first drink but she needed to get the next ones. She never did. It was awkward as she just sat there with empty glasses. A couple of times she has been on lunch and said she needed a sandwich but forgotten her purse. We went in the sandwich shop once on her request and I'd already eaten a sandwich from home as trying to save money. She looked in her purse she only had some pound coins which she is collecting app. She then proceeded to ask me to pay for her sandwich as she can't spend her coins as collecting. She's asking me and a colleague to come on a few nights out with work in the next few months and trying to convince us to come for a break away. I don't know how to deal with her politely as she won't pay for anything! It's really starting to piss me off. Aibu?

OP posts:
BluebonicPlague · 30/05/2019 23:32

Listlover
Who cares if she bites there head off, she can have that instead of her sandwich
Proper lol at this!

SalemShadow Do you actually enjoy this CF's company? If so, is subsidising her CFery a reasonable price to pay, do you reckon? (Clearly not, since you're asking about it.) And if not, why bother?
If it's embarrassing to turn her down point blank you'll have to think of something else you need to be doing instead, or urgently, or else just say 'That's not going to work for me'. But why should you be embarrassed? CF colleague clearly isn't. If she throws a tantrum (I suspect this is what you're really worried about) you should just stare at her and say: 'I can't believe you just said that.'

HollowTalk · 30/05/2019 23:43

You and your colleagues must be crazy.

This sounds so much like the woman on the other thread who's convinced her boyfriend marrying another woman will only improve their relationship.

What's with all this faux naivety?

dustarr73 · 30/05/2019 23:48

Take a walk to the sandwich shop with her and ask her to buy you one - see how she reacts

Tell her you are collecting coins.

HobbyIsCodeForDogging · 30/05/2019 23:52

I can't believe she wouldn't pay for her own sandwich because she was collecting pound coins... and then you went along with it and bought it for her 😂

BluebonicPlague · 30/05/2019 23:58

I mean, just don't go along to the sandwich shop/pub/club/whatever when she suggests it. Just don't.

thisisadistraction · 31/05/2019 00:34

Why didn't you say you were also collecting coins? 😂

TanMateix · 31/05/2019 00:49

I had that done to me by a woman who miscalculated who she was messing with. She asked me to pay for her stuff alongside mine to take advantage of an offer, as soon as we were out, she told me “I’ll pay you another day” which was a bit strange as I had not seen her more than twice in five years. We were 3 minutes walk from a cashier but she said she didn’t have time to go, sat with us for a coffee and spent the next 2 hrs given a excuse and another one for not being able to pay, he ask for my bank details to pay via bank transfer but refused to pay with her phone, she would do it from home. I just thought that she was making time so would have to run in a hurry to collect children from school and yes, she waited until that time to say “Oh my god, look at the hour! Don’t you have to collect your kids from school??? “ at that point I said, no, they take the bus but you are getting late for your date, walked her to the cashier and finally she handed the money in.

Later talking to my friends, they realised that she had done the same to all of us in different measures. IMO, this is NOT being cheeky, it is just being a fecking thief. Don’t put up with that, next time she says she forgot her wallet, you say, that’s ok, just explain to the person you have no money. I will be waiting aoutside.

Strokethefurrywall · 31/05/2019 01:09

Stop being so epically spineless, Jesus...
Hmm

SpeckofStardust · 31/05/2019 01:17

I get that you don’t want to be the ‘bad guy’ here , OP, but someone has to, and if you’re all sitting around waiting for someone else to tell her how it is then it’s never going to happen. Thing about posting a thread like this is no one here can help someone who refuses to help themselves and, when offered sound advice, just whines about being thought a ‘bitch’ or ‘catty’. Well, it’s your call obviously, but ‘sopping wet doormat’ isn’t a good look either and that what this woman thinks you are right now.

Freudianslip1 · 31/05/2019 01:19

I had a friend like this, she always invited me out for a coffee and I used to pay for us both, every time Hmm She seemed to take the hint when I started saying I couldn't afford it when she asked.

dustarr73 · 31/05/2019 01:21

I think op we can be caught on the hop maybe once or twice.But after that especially if she is the one asking for a meet up,thats the time to say something.

Why are you worried about upsetting her.T he worst that will happen is that she moves on to another group.So thats a win for you.

Graphista · 31/05/2019 01:59

"I don't know how to deal with her politely"

Why ON EARTH do you think you need to deal with her politely?!!

She's not being polite she's being at best a cheeky fucker and at worst an out and out con merchant!

She's got you all funding HER social life!

You ALL need to learn the power of the word NO! It's not rude, it's not offensive, it's one very little word that is very empowering.

Breaking it down:

1 We have a colleague who is always instigating work socialising and organising nights out - you don't have to go!

2 *She never ever buys a drink." Publicly set a rule before going that from now on everyone pays for their own! If she "forgets" her purse she can bloody well either go home and get it or just go home!!

3 She always asks me and my colleagues to get the bogof drinks and she will get the next ones but she never does. as above. But does this also mean you're getting drinks according to what she wants to drink?!

4* She has blagged lunches off colleagues by forgetting her purse app and never paying back." It won't actually kill her to go without lunch - done it many a time myself when I was skint! Nothing stopping her from bringing in lunch from home either.

5 We went out yest and my colleague said she would get the first drink but she needed to get the next ones. She never did. It was awkward as she just sat there with empty glasses back to point 2 really. But at the time a cheery "your round I believe" would also have been acceptable

6 A couple of times she has been on lunch and said she needed a sandwich but forgotten her purse "that's a shame, well you'll enjoy your dinner more eh"

7 We went in the sandwich shop once on her request and I'd already eaten a sandwich from home as trying to save money. She looked in her purse she only had some pound coins which she is collecting app. She then proceeded to ask me to pay for her sandwich as she can't spend her coins as collecting ffs really?!!!! "You've got money, buy your own lunch!"

8 She's asking me and a colleague to come on a few nights out with work in the next few months again that handy word "no"

9 and trying to convince us to come for a break away DO NOT agree to this! As things are currently you'll end up paying for the lot!

Seriously I do not understand why you're all putting up with this!

Are any of the people getting roped into this bullshit senior to her at work? If so they could be having a quiet word on the basis it's causing a negative atmosphere/low morale at work. That others aren't there to subsidise her social life, she needs to either manage her finances better or stay at home!

Mind you it shouldn't need someone senior to say this!

Next time she raises a night out or something "only if you start paying your way and stop sponging off everyone"

She's doing it BECAUSE you're all too polite to say anything.

If she "bites your head off" make her behaviour official - because that's COMPLETELY unacceptable!

"Who cares if she bites there head off, she can have that instead of her sandwich" 😂😂

"No-one else has said anything. I didn't want to look a bitch by saying anything." Sit down now and add up how much she's cost you so far... I'm willing to bet it's close to at least £100 if not more...now are you worried about looking a bitch?! The others would likely be grateful! (Though I don't think much of them for saying nowt either)

"This is why we need the MN Hit Squad - we could go round the country telling these cheeky fuckers a few home truths, so the resident MNer doesn’t have to." I'd love to do that!

"OP is she socially awkward?" I'd say quite the opposite! Very socially adept!

"Find an approach that she can join in on, rather than just ‘paying your own’ and leaving her in an awkward position." Sorry but it's also not OP's job to be other people's backbones! She needs to look out for herself, if they continue to subsidise the cf that's their lookout.

She can tell other colleagues her plan but it's not up to her to sort the cf for them.

itwaseverthus · 31/05/2019 02:02

Suckers.

Gerri29 · 31/05/2019 02:31

It's awkward because you work with her and therefore it is probably best to try and avoid a confrontation with her to try and maintain a good working relationship. I would avoid socialising with her in future. If you don't want to miss out on work outings, I would suggest just avoiding them for a while. Then next time you do go in a social group and she is there, just avoid getting into rounds with her. She is a work colleague at the end of the day, not a friend and if she was a friend she would have more respect so don't feel bad.

Patroclus · 31/05/2019 03:26

Sorry to say this, but if this was happening in a group of men, the tight bastard would be torn to shreds.

She seems to be taking even a sort of malicious satisfaction from this, possiby even brags about it, so fuck politeness.

Catren · 31/05/2019 03:37

I'd probably handle this by looking confused/baffled and saying "what? you want me to pay for you?" And see how she responds. Sets you up to say "of course i'm not paying for you, you're a grown woman!" And then leaving it there. Stating the obvious and expecting a person to defend something ridiculous puts it on them. Otherwise it's your job to explain why you can't, which is entirely irrelevant.

Dueinnov19 · 31/05/2019 06:25

The colleague who berated you for saying something. Do they know something you dont?

Perhaps this person has fallen on hard times or dealing with something you dont know about like being a carer for a parent or similar which is why they are short on money?

Either way you just need to say that either you cant buy lunch or whatever ans when going for drinks explain you can only afford your own as you are saving so dont want to overspend by accident.

Zoflorabore · 31/05/2019 06:42

Oh and if there is a kitty op, don't let her be in charge of it Grin

Beautiful3 · 31/05/2019 06:52

I once worked with a young girl that regularly forgot her purse. We were in the canteen. She asked me to queue up with her. I explained I had sandwiches from home. She looked annoyed and asked to borrow some lunch money. I felt put on the spot so lent her a fiver. Never got it back. The next time she asked me, I'd say, "sorry I don't have any spare money." Over time lots of colleagues started to talk about how much money she owed them. It was embarrassing. You need to stop going with her ANYWHERE and learn to say no when asked for money.

SalemShadow · 31/05/2019 07:02

She's the sort that brags about getting stuff for free. I don't think she has fallen on hard times. I'm gonna be a lot more assertive from now on. Thanks for all the good advice.

OP posts:
Deathraystare · 31/05/2019 07:02

Next she mentions a night out say "sorry but i don't think people will want to as It's getting awkward that you never buy a round and people are noticing, I wouldn't organise it unless you are going to buy your share of the drinks"

This is a good reply. It states firmly what you all think. It needs to be said.

Belenus · 31/05/2019 07:04

a) Be nice, she is broke, carry on paying for her.

I'm broke. I don't go out much. I don't organise outings and then expect other people to pay.

billybagpuss · 31/05/2019 07:08

If she bites your head off again just laugh and say ‘ooh have
I touched a nerve?’ She will not want her behaviour highlighted.

Absolutely agree everyone buys their own.

SimonJT · 31/05/2019 07:08

We had a mate like this, we decided before a night out to only get him tap water when we were buying our rounds, that sorted the tight fucker out.

RhiWrites · 31/05/2019 07:15

What gets me is the constant arranging of social functions by her. If she has no money don't organise things.

Oh OP, bless your heart. She has money, she organises things and pretends not to have money for a a free night out.

Do you get it now? It’s not an accident, she’s not forgetting she’s skint. She is doing this deliberately so you will pay for her.