Future sister in law can't come to wedding

[LexCB]

Hello one and all.
I'm not sure whether I just need to vent or whether I actually need advice...
We paid £1000 deposit to book our wedding on a reasonably priced last minute deal, to then find out we were having another baby and I'd actually be 5 months pregnant by our date in November 2019...so we rearranged for 15 months later for their slightly less reasonably priced winter package in February 2020.

Now it turns out we're idiots who didn't think to buy wedding insurance and the venue went bust- goodbye venue deposit and hello having to rearrange the whole blooming thing again, hoping the photographer, florist and registrar as well as whatever venue we find with our now even tighter budget, can all do the same date- so as to not lose any more deposits (get wedding insurance- I beg you 😂!!). Anyway, we found a new venue and a date where all these things aligned so snapped it up and paid the deposit to new venue for our new date of the Saturday in Easter weekend 2020. We then email out our second lot of save the dates and feel chuffed that we'd sorted it all. Unfortunately, my fiancee's sister says she won't be able to get the day off work from the conservative club she manages as there's an unofficial rule that no-one gets busy Easter or Xmas periods off. She also says that her partner's job won't give him time off as his contract says Easter weekend won't be granted as holiday and she then also goes on to say that her also won't be able to come on that date as he's hoping I get a job at the same place as her partner.

Now. Sigh. What do we do? I've emailed her back saying we really want them there and that obviously we wouldn't have gone with that date had we thought ppl couldn't get time off and I explained how we'd really appreciate it if they could at least ask/try to get time off, given the circumstances- I even gave my own example of how I've asked my work if I could have 3 days unpaid leave during term time (I work in a school) for the honeymoon and they, completely surprisingly, granted it! I told her that to try to highlight that it's at least worth asking. Anyway, we've had no reply and I get the sense they're not going to try and also that they're somehow a little offended that we've inadvertently booked the wedding on a day they might struggle to get off from work.

Soooo....on the face of it I've been really apologetic towards them, but really, I'm pretty annoyed that we even have to make the suggestion that they at least TRY to get it off. Is wedding fatigue making me unreasonable in asking them to try to get the day off? Should it be up to us to see whether there's another date we could rearrange for? I'm thinking of asking his sister whether she might be able to offer to take the day as unpaid leave rather than holiday, and we pay for her hotel...but don't want to offend her further!?

Anyway, help?! I don't think I actually have it in me to rearrange this bloody day again. But then I think- it's his sister and the Guestlist is already mainly ppl on my side as he's got such a small family. Massive, heavy and loud sigh

My sis in law is a teacher and managed to sort out wedding on a Friday and attend. I think if they wanted to attend they would try a bit harder. I'd plan ahead without them

Cootonsock - please explain how someone whose job doesn't allow time off on certain dates could try hard, specifically what should they do? Or do you mean they should wait until the day and lie about being ill?

Absolutely hate the 'just ask' or 'try' comments.

Basically if you have any respect for your job, employer or colleagues then you don't.

Non holiday periods are there because it's peak time for the business and if there were absences, everyone would suffer.

But no.."you can ask" apparently, even though it's in your contract that you've accepted.

I have known people in my role (H.E. ) leave their jobs over it, for a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a bestman at a destination wedding was one example. Fair enough, make the decision, give your notice.

Employers don't have no holiday periods for the laugh.

There are options you can explore though, like offering to pay for a supply cover. No she didn't ring in sick!

I didn't say your sister rang in sick, I but in most jobs you can't just get a person to go in your place, the op 's. sister isn't a teacher.

I used to have a job where there was a 2 week period when no one was allowed holidays, I can just imagine the boss's face if I'd suggested I get someone a random replacement to do my job during that most stressful time

I’m struggling to understand why people just don’t get it that some employers won’t give you time off at certain periods. I work for the police. We have ‘lockdown’ (🙄) on certain dates. NYE, bonfire night, mischief night, Halloween, August bank holiday to name a few. NOBODY is getting those days off if it’s their usual working day. They won’t allow unpaid leave (only if it’s for childcare). Nobody will swap with you because those shifts are crazy. It’s really not hard to understand.
OP, if you’re still around I would see what your DP wants to do. She’s his sister, after all. I wouldn’t have got married without my sister there. But my DH would have done if his couldn’t attend.

I’m really surprised by the responses to this. I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. If my sister worked at a social club and couldn’t (or wouldn’t) at least explore the option of getting the day off, I’d be really upset. Probably a bit less so about the husband and child - not sure what their jobs are?
Hope you have a lovely wedding, with or without the in-laws.

Working for the emergency services is very different from working as a manager in a local club

On the days/nights you are not allowed to take off there is likely to be extra work and this is predicted by previous years and without the extra staff working trouble could easily get out of hand/other emergencies not attend too and it has a knock on effect in what can be some very serious situations

Now at a local conservative club there maybe moans that the gravy was too cold/lunch was late/people didn’t get their requests but it really isn’t comparable a manager can sort out much of what is needed before and deputy can step in might not run quite as smoothly but the consequences are of inconvenience not what could be very serious and possibly harmful situations

Though I would have thought someone working for the police would have understood that it’s not comparable

Have the wedding at the Con Club, problem solved.

Have you thought that perhaps she doesn’t want to come and this is just an excuse?

I wasn’t comparing the police to a conservative club, for heavens sake🙄 I was saying that if an employer says no then why is it so hard to understand no. If it’s part of a contract when you take the job then it doesn’t matter what industry it is, you take that as part of your contract. Plus she also said her sister in law’s DH couldn’t have the time off because of his work. We don’t know where he works 🤷🏻‍♀️

Because there are ways around it and many would be accommodating because they can be might be inconvenient but that is all

The no policy for emergency services is for very different reasons

As pointed out in my reply

And other industries use the same policies, the emergency services was one example. A friend of mine used to work for a greeting card company. Wasn’t allowed any leave in the two weeks prior to a big event such as valentines, Mother’s day, father’s day. Hardly going to risk people’s lives but that was their policy. And she accepted that when she took the job.
Maybe the club has events on over Easter. It might be far busier than normal and could be all hands on deck. We don’t know the reasons so it’s unreasonable to just assume she could take the time off. I agree that a sibling’s wedding is important, and it’s pretty poor that they wouldn’t allow her to have it off, but if they bend the rules for one where does it stop? Maybe they’ve had this issue before so they have a blanket ban on time off.

I didn't check with my siblings if they could make it before I booked my wedding.

My husbands sister didn't make our wedding as she had a newborn and didn't feel up to coming.

I missed a brothers wedding because I was on holiday.

We didn't go to husband's sister's wedding because she didn't tell anyone she was getting married!

Its all ok.

I know other industries have the same polices I have worked under such policies some its an absolute no others will be flexible because if the nature of the work allows them to be

Emergency services simply can’t be flexible at certain times it’s not about inconvenience

And a local club it’s about inconvenience nothing more serious than that

I can’t imagine many good employers would say no in this situation they might not be happy or many other staff members would feel its unfair but then someone will always moan it’s unfair

They can't come, it's life! Try to enjoy this time and not get hung up on stuff like this - what's the point.

Maybe it depends where you live?!

Yes, maybe. Also depends what sort of consultant. Also depends if not a consultant.

We had a choice of shift length, different shift length and patterns things suited different people. I really want to know where it is that all of the A&E consultants can easily get times like Easter, New Years off and certain problematic public holidays off? I obviously worked in the wrong busy metro hospitals!

We generally never had problems getting time off or shift swapping but flagged times that were known as problematic, nope. Lots of specialties would never have an issue though, you don’t see all hands on deck for skin specialists at these times! Even things like resp, cardio etc would be okay as would certain units, you wouldn’t get a rush on burns or renal for instance so sure people could book time off with no issue. Unfortunately the antics of a population with time on their hands don’t allow the same luxury for A&E.

Also if you think it’s rough as a consultant/specialist spare a thought for interns etc. Rolling around laughing at them getting any time off at any time really. You don’t know any students or interns who weren’t chained to work! Again, where is this utopia?

many other staff members would feel its unfair but then someone will always moan it’s unfair

And as the manager, it's the sil's job to try to avoid situations like that arising, not create them. If she takes the day off, it will also be her job, when Christmas rolls around, to deal with staff members saying 'but why can't I have Christmas Eve/Boxing Day/NY Eve? You had time off at Easter.'

Oh come on, let’s not get all MN about this and make the sister living in poverty. If that is your definition of a ‘bridezilla’, your standards of expectation of your siblings in general is clearly far lower than mine.

I never suggested the sister was ‘living in poverty’. What I’m saying is that, if my sibling was really struggling to come because they couldn’t afford to turn down work, I’d be upset - but NOT making nasty digs about how ‘If you can’t be bothered you’re not welcome anyway’ (an utterly pointless and empty dig at that seeing as they won’t be coming). You wouldn’t be ‘worried’ about their financial situation at all; just in a strop about your wedding.

@AnnaComnena - many years ago I was assistant manager of a bar and from reading this thread I can only conclude that most of you have never had any experience with how rotas work in hospitality. Even in the depths of extra hours, I never once worked 4 double shifts in a 4 day period and nor did anyone else on the team, the most would be 2 double shifts together. The NHS and police service are entirely different, as is the military, as are many other things.

At Easter some people want the whole time off, some want more hours (students), some want the Sunday off but would work the other days etc... not everybody gets what they want but you just do a rota that suits as many as possible and bearing in mind who asked / importance. Every pub had a manager, at least one assistant manager plus at least one chargehand then the rest of the staff; I've never known a place that requires the manager there for every day and night shift.

Taking the whole Easter weekend off from the conservative club would be a pisstake as a manager, but taking just the Saturday off would be perfectly manageable in any normal pub rota system for busy periods.

(For a pub manager by the way, a double shift can go 9am - 12am / 3am depending on closing time, that's why you don't work more than 2, usually not more that 1. That's why assistants take shifts!)

OP, you've had 3 separate dates and sent out 2 save the dates. UABU.

Maybe you sil had already requested the first date and now feels that they can't mess their employer about by asking for a different date.

You don't know what their place of work is like. I am not allowed to request any time off during December and it really pisses me off when others refuse to accept this. There is no point in me asking. It won't be granted and causes problems if you do ask.

You can't summons people to come to your wedding.

taking just the Saturday off would be perfectly manageable

But op mentioned paying for sil's hotel. So it won't be just the Saturday.

Taking the whole Easter weekend off from the conservative club would be a pisstake as a manager, but taking just the Saturday off would be perfectly manageable in any normal pub rota system for busy periods.

How could you possibly know that it will be perfectly manageable? Do you know the set up in this particular place? Do you know that there is a deputy who can step in?

For all you know the deputy has the weekend booked off for their own wedding and do SIL knows that she can't get the day off because she has already been made aware of this fact.

No way does OP work in a school and not realise that lots of people go away or have plans......at Easter.
And working in a school she is tied in to having a wedding outwith term time herself. I got married in a holiday period, everyone was able to make it.

Also agree that in many workplaces, less than a years’ notice isn’t actually that much.

Really? Every place I’ve worked has an annual holiday period where you must use all your holidays within that year and they aren’t carried in to the next. What kind of employer / job insists you give more than a years notice for a day off? What kind of business is staff planning that far in advance?

For all you know the deputy has the weekend booked off for their own wedding and do SIL knows that she can't get the day off because she has already been made aware of this fact.
Surely if that were the case, she would have said that. She didn’t, she said no-one takes time off.