Future sister in law can't come to wedding

[LexCB]

Hello one and all.
I'm not sure whether I just need to vent or whether I actually need advice...
We paid £1000 deposit to book our wedding on a reasonably priced last minute deal, to then find out we were having another baby and I'd actually be 5 months pregnant by our date in November 2019...so we rearranged for 15 months later for their slightly less reasonably priced winter package in February 2020.

Now it turns out we're idiots who didn't think to buy wedding insurance and the venue went bust- goodbye venue deposit and hello having to rearrange the whole blooming thing again, hoping the photographer, florist and registrar as well as whatever venue we find with our now even tighter budget, can all do the same date- so as to not lose any more deposits (get wedding insurance- I beg you 😂!!). Anyway, we found a new venue and a date where all these things aligned so snapped it up and paid the deposit to new venue for our new date of the Saturday in Easter weekend 2020. We then email out our second lot of save the dates and feel chuffed that we'd sorted it all. Unfortunately, my fiancee's sister says she won't be able to get the day off work from the conservative club she manages as there's an unofficial rule that no-one gets busy Easter or Xmas periods off. She also says that her partner's job won't give him time off as his contract says Easter weekend won't be granted as holiday and she then also goes on to say that her also won't be able to come on that date as he's hoping I get a job at the same place as her partner.

Now. Sigh. What do we do? I've emailed her back saying we really want them there and that obviously we wouldn't have gone with that date had we thought ppl couldn't get time off and I explained how we'd really appreciate it if they could at least ask/try to get time off, given the circumstances- I even gave my own example of how I've asked my work if I could have 3 days unpaid leave during term time (I work in a school) for the honeymoon and they, completely surprisingly, granted it! I told her that to try to highlight that it's at least worth asking. Anyway, we've had no reply and I get the sense they're not going to try and also that they're somehow a little offended that we've inadvertently booked the wedding on a day they might struggle to get off from work.

Soooo....on the face of it I've been really apologetic towards them, but really, I'm pretty annoyed that we even have to make the suggestion that they at least TRY to get it off. Is wedding fatigue making me unreasonable in asking them to try to get the day off? Should it be up to us to see whether there's another date we could rearrange for? I'm thinking of asking his sister whether she might be able to offer to take the day as unpaid leave rather than holiday, and we pay for her hotel...but don't want to offend her further!?

Anyway, help?! I don't think I actually have it in me to rearrange this bloody day again. But then I think- it's his sister and the Guestlist is already mainly ppl on my side as he's got such a small family. Massive, heavy and loud sigh

I was a sister in law who wasn’t allowed time off work to go to BIL’s wedding. Manager just wouldn’t allow it but she was one hell of a cow. She suggested that I change my family holiday which had been booked and paid for ages before and completely alter my fortnight ‘s annual leave to incorporate the date.
She may be up against a witch like my boss and can’t face asking again.
So I went to the evening do only but new SIL was icy. Sad really. Sounds harsh but she is his 3rd wife and I did try. Perhaps I’ll be able to make his 4th.........

You’ve rearranged twice already. She’s probably —understandably— pissed off. You should have ran it by her tbf first before booking.

Another vote here for tell DH2B to deal with it. You e made it clear that you really really want her there - that’s enough.
Enjoy your day.

Not read alll the thread but I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. Most people would assume giving nearly a year’s notice would be enough. I think your sil should at least try to get time off. I didnt check with everyone on dates when I booked.

I can't see an issue, your wedding is your day and thats not their company's issue. I work in care so have similar issues with dates and wouldn't be allowed to change it either however I wouldn't be bothered either.

I don’t see why anyone would feel peed off with the change in dates it wasn’t the ops fault. Things happen. Maybe the sil could change jobs so she can attend?

Their loss. It is gutting but you can't make everyone happy. That's why you send a save the date. And you've booked it nearly a year in advance. Personally I think those weddings are the best because if you have to travel to a wedding its so much easier on a long weekend or during school half terms or holidays. If I didn't have kids maybe I would have a holiday already booked. I'm sure if they asked there may be some leniency as it's her brother getting married but you can't ask all your guests what date would suit them best.
I suppose it depends how much you want them there. If it was my sister I would probably rearrange. Good luck. I don't envy you planning a wedding. I hated planning mine but loved every second of the day when it arrived.

If the wedding is daytime, there is a better window of opportunity for her to attend the service and possibly the reception but skip the evening as she may need to be on shift..thus is down to them to manage. You cannot please all the people all the time so sometimes compromises need to be made....on both sides.

I have 7 siblings, only 4 could come to my weekday wedding. It was our choice of day (very small budget) and although it would have been lovely to have them there I could completely understand that they couldn’t make it. You just need to leave it with them, tell your brother that you’d love to have him there but completely understand if he can’t get time off work. Nothing more you can do.

If you choose to get married away, then part of that is not everyone can come. It is unfair to expect everyone to jump. Yes, this is a big deal to you , but everyone has obligations. You need to choose the date that works for you and your fiance, then let things happen. Enjoy your day and don't sweat it. the important thing is your marriage to each other.

Don't worry hun. I think they're not supposed to have that weekend off, but for a wedding the boss will no doubt agree to it as it's slightly different to an Easter bender. She's just venting as she thinks you should have checked but it will die down and she will check and all will be ok. Fingers crossed. Don't stress tho, your wedding shouldn't cause so much stress. It's a happy time x

Sorry OP, but I'd be pretty hurt if my sibling booked their wedding without checking the date with me first.
We got parents and siblings to give us their availability dates for the couple of months we were looking at, before we booked it.

Oops didn't realise you were supposed to check with everyone before booking your wedding, I knew there was a weekend I had to avoid but other than that, no checking.

However OP there was very good reason that you managed to get everything aligned for that day. No one else wants it.

moonrises no one is saying that you have to check with every single person. It’s Just, if you’re going to moan about people not being able to come and that you “really want them there”; then yes, you should check, or else you have no right to be upset when they can’t make it.

Oops didn't realise you were supposed to check with everyone before booking your wedding, I knew there was a weekend I had to avoid but other than that, no checking.

You don't have to check with everyone, but if your spouse to be has a tiny family (as the OP has said) it doesn't take two minutes to quickly check that parents and siblings are available that day.

Especially if you are then going to whinge and moan if they can't make it.

Don't change again, you have had enough stress as it is! It can't be that important to them if they are not prepared to try and get the time off, even if it is just for your wedding day alone. I hope you manage to sort it out.

It's my 50th next Easter and I can see I will have similar problems re people coming to Celebrate. It's,not the same as a Wedding I know as not as much planning needed but it's a difficult time of year for anyone hosting celebrations. I wish you well.

Sorry off topic but I got married at 5 months pregnant, 20 weeks to the day and it made absolutely no difference to me. I was getting married to the man I love for the reasons we were getting married in the first place, it didn't matter that I was abit fat or couldn't drink 🍷

@broken1982. Only the OP knows whether in hind sight she would have been better to have married on the original date but maybe she was having a difficult pregnancy. At any rate that boat has sailed because the original date was postponed hence the current problem

I know it isn't your fault but people would feel messed about if you changed the date for a third time, so just go with it, if they get the time off they can, if not- it is what it is! Hope you have a lovely wedding, congratulations on the baby and engagement.

PP who suggested SIL change her job to get the weekend off... I hope that's a joke

...it was a joke.

@NameChangeNugget Booking a day without checking was your issue here. It’s done now.

Not picking on you specifically @NameChangeNugget but it has been said by several posters; why the hell would the OP have to run her date by anyone. This is her date for her wedding and with almost a year's notice. What is unreasonable about that?? Really? OP I know you have left the thread, but if you do look in, screw them. Those who want to come will come and forget about the rest.

If my sibling wouldn’t be willing to lose a day’s pay to go to my wedding then they wouldn’t be welcome. If they couldn’t budget financially for this economic loss in a financial year, I would be very worried about their solvency.

‘Worried’? Or judgemental? I can smell the bridezilla from here. The idea that, if one of your siblings was in a financially precarious situation, your first thought would be to tell them they’re now not welcome anyway, suggests an incredible selfishness on your part. If I was your sibling I’d be pleased I didn’t have to go.

Let it go. Family harmony is more important than one day.

Yes. It's a big day, but I've missed many big days only to be there for many others. They don't want to. They need to work.

We had 7 people at our wedding. 30 years next spring (near Easter). Celebrate when you can with them and be kind bc it's your new family and it will be nice to your dp.

Worried’? Or judgemental? I can smell the bridezilla from here. The idea that, if one of your siblings was in a financially precarious situation, your first thought would be to tell them they’re now not welcome anyway, suggests an incredible selfishness on your part. If I was your sibling I’d be pleased I didn’t have to go.

Oh come on, let’s not get all MN about this and make the sister living in poverty. If that is your definition of a ‘bridezilla’, your standards of expectation of your siblings in general is clearly far lower than mine.