Future sister in law can't come to wedding

[LexCB]

Hello one and all.
I'm not sure whether I just need to vent or whether I actually need advice...
We paid £1000 deposit to book our wedding on a reasonably priced last minute deal, to then find out we were having another baby and I'd actually be 5 months pregnant by our date in November 2019...so we rearranged for 15 months later for their slightly less reasonably priced winter package in February 2020.

Now it turns out we're idiots who didn't think to buy wedding insurance and the venue went bust- goodbye venue deposit and hello having to rearrange the whole blooming thing again, hoping the photographer, florist and registrar as well as whatever venue we find with our now even tighter budget, can all do the same date- so as to not lose any more deposits (get wedding insurance- I beg you 😂!!). Anyway, we found a new venue and a date where all these things aligned so snapped it up and paid the deposit to new venue for our new date of the Saturday in Easter weekend 2020. We then email out our second lot of save the dates and feel chuffed that we'd sorted it all. Unfortunately, my fiancee's sister says she won't be able to get the day off work from the conservative club she manages as there's an unofficial rule that no-one gets busy Easter or Xmas periods off. She also says that her partner's job won't give him time off as his contract says Easter weekend won't be granted as holiday and she then also goes on to say that her also won't be able to come on that date as he's hoping I get a job at the same place as her partner.

Now. Sigh. What do we do? I've emailed her back saying we really want them there and that obviously we wouldn't have gone with that date had we thought ppl couldn't get time off and I explained how we'd really appreciate it if they could at least ask/try to get time off, given the circumstances- I even gave my own example of how I've asked my work if I could have 3 days unpaid leave during term time (I work in a school) for the honeymoon and they, completely surprisingly, granted it! I told her that to try to highlight that it's at least worth asking. Anyway, we've had no reply and I get the sense they're not going to try and also that they're somehow a little offended that we've inadvertently booked the wedding on a day they might struggle to get off from work.

Soooo....on the face of it I've been really apologetic towards them, but really, I'm pretty annoyed that we even have to make the suggestion that they at least TRY to get it off. Is wedding fatigue making me unreasonable in asking them to try to get the day off? Should it be up to us to see whether there's another date we could rearrange for? I'm thinking of asking his sister whether she might be able to offer to take the day as unpaid leave rather than holiday, and we pay for her hotel...but don't want to offend her further!?

Anyway, help?! I don't think I actually have it in me to rearrange this bloody day again. But then I think- it's his sister and the Guestlist is already mainly ppl on my side as he's got such a small family. Massive, heavy and loud sigh

I'm repeating myself, but it seems like posters are still missing a basic fact. SIL doesn't need the whole of Easter off, she can work the other 3 days of Easter. If she's the manager then she could roster that with the assistant manager doing Saturday and her staff would never even twig that she had time off! If it were impossible any other way then she could even do day or evening shift on Saturday and attend half the wedding. It's really not the same as asking for the whole weekend off to go skiing.

There’s a bunch of people over on another thread who would get genuinely worked up about having to throw a ball back over their garden fence to a neighbour. I can well believe there are many people that would take issue with having to ask for leave for their sibling’s wedding on a day holiday isn’t normally allowed with a year’s notice.

Thank god my sister isn’t like you miserable lot.

(ignoring the pregnancy dates which def do not add up)
So the wedding was booked for November this year, then booked for February next year and now the third date you've given out to everyone is Easter weekend next year. Presumably everyone who needs to has been having to re-book their time off work with each change?

I know you said you were finding it tiresome rearranging your wedding but as a guest i'd be getting a bit rolley eyed over redoing three different time off work applications for the same wedding to be honest. Then to be told i wasn't trying hard enough when i informed them the third date (already booked!) was impossible ...... hmmm.

My only issue is where you’re being unreasonable is suggesting they take unpaid leave? Otherwise it is what it is, not everyone will make your wedding.

I think the Op is getting a hard time as she is criticising the sisters attitude.
To be fair I’d be pissed off if my brother chose the few dates myself and husband had to work. I can see why the Op just went for the first reasonable dates but I don’t understand why she didn’t think about the key players.

I suppose I find the oddest thing is that you cancelled because you would be 5months pregnant.

Quite apart from the odd dates (assume you originally meant Nov 18) when you say you'd pay for your SIL's hotel - is this not near home, so would require more than one day off anyway?

This is the third date for the wedding - you moved it yourself the first time, I can see why she wouldn't want to ask for the dates in case it moves again! Is there someone else in the SIL's family apart from her and her DH that can't make it (you mention someone wanting to work in the same place as the DH but don't say who it is).

Did you get wedding insurance this time, then?

Isn't it usual to book provisionally & then check with the "important" people?

If your husband to be wants his sister there then I'd be rebooking tbh.

You seem to think that she could try harder to get the time off-perhaps she could?

I'm not sure anyone on here would be in a position to know that.

@diddl - the oddest thing is that you cancelled because you would be 5 months pregnant.

Yes ... 7 or 8 months after she must have conceived ...

I wouldn’t rearrange but then if my employer was so inflexible (especially as her job sounds pretty shitty anyway, hardly a “career” as others have suggested) I’d just keep quiet and call in sick on the day.

“Manages a conservative club” = basically a glorified barmaid. Struggling to see how the sky would fall in if she wasn’t there for one day 🙄

I wouldn’t book it Easter Saturday, I actually think it’s quite inconsiderate to your guests. Apart from some needing to work, those who get a long weekend off, a precious break from work are
Ike.t to want to spend it with their own families or away. Having a Saturday wedding, wedged between 2 Easter bank holidays is severely limiting what everyone else can do with the long bank holiday weekend, not t9 mention families who may be away on holiday . I would definitely move to another Saturday or you may find you have quite a few decline.

Unfortunately you have picked a weekend that many people may decline due to work or personal commitments. You need to accept that as it was your choice to pick that date. Easter isn’t really a great weekend for a wedding.

hardly a career Wow... what an awful thing to say...

And if someone told me to ‘try’ harder to get time off work at a time that would not go down well with my boss I would be really annoyed. You asking your boss for time off for Your own wedding is not remotely comparable to someone else asking for time off to attend your wedding. I’m afraid you seem very entitled.

I got married on an Easter Saturday and it worked well. Make sure you let people know as soon as possible and be prepared for some people to have booked holiday. Those people who did attend liked it as they still had two days holiday left after.

As for the SIL, I think you should have checked the date with all the important people before you confirmed it. Now you'll just have to accept she's not coming and hopefully it will all be ok. It's up to your fiance if he's happy to go ahead without her really.

“Manages a conservative club” = basically a glorified barmaid. Struggling to see how the sky would fall in if she wasn’t there for one day

This is a unnecessary nasty and snide comment.

The OP needs to respect her future SIL's feedback that she can't have time off at Easter and either accept SIL won't be at the wedding, or change the wedding date (again). Easter is a silly time to book a wedding and expect full attendance. I assume the OP was just thinking about how convenient it was for her.

I'm definitely in a minority but I don't think YABU to ask her to at least ask.

I manage a team of 35 people. We have a fortnight in September where nobody can book leave. But there's always wiggle room. I've turned down some requests before and allowed a couple. A sibling's wedding would definitely be one I'd allow leave for and I certainly wouldn't hold it against anyone just for asking. It doesn't have to be a demand.

From experience my advice is don't move the date. My SIL apparently couldn't get time off for our wedding and we moved it to suit her (to the only other available day that year) even though it meant my brother who had a uni exam that day had to make a special arrangement to take the exam at a different time. She still wasn't happy and her DH still couldn't make it due to "work commitments"

They then got married and we weren't even invited!

So stick to your guns, OP.

If she can't make the effort to come, then tough titty. You've given them plenty of notice.

I'd be mightily cross at telling you I couldn't attend for you to email me back suggesting I try harder

The wedding is important to you, most others don't really care in reality. Some guests will come, others won't. You can't deman attendance.

My sister in law didn't come to our wedding as it was exam season and she didn't want to lose a day of studying. I dunno I just didn't let it bother me. It still doesn't bother me. We do joke that we will be 'busy' when she gets married though. Just leave it be and enjoy your day x

I think Easter weekend is not such a bad time especially with such a long notice.

Depends where you work though. There isn’t a hope in hell of people in hospitality being able to have the first busy weekend of the year off. Likewise a chef who got married on Valentine’s Day had a very disgruntled wife because he could NEVER have that night off to take her out for an anniversary dinner because he had to cook for all the loved up couples that had booked.

A store local to us actually refused a cashier a day off- who worked a half day on her usual day. Turns out she was getting married that afternoon! They sent her off her shift with a bunch of flowers and champagne but I’m sure she would rather have had the shift off!

Also I think it's important to remember that the guests haven't been through all the stress of rearranging it etc like you have so they think they are just saying they can't make that date. They might not realise that means it's all booked up and unmoveable.

I think see how your fiance feels and if he can't go ahead without her then let him do the reorganisation!

“Manages a conservative club” = basically a glorified barmaid. Struggling to see how the sky would fall in if she wasn’t there for one day 🙄

Well maybe as it's her job and how she makes her money and may well rely on her pay check (no matter how unimportant it may seem to you) it is actually important to the SIL and she shouldn't be judged for earning a living.

My mum did this last year. She booked her wedding on Easter weekend without checking if anyone could make it and told me 3 months before the wedding (in a "just so you know" kind of way), I live abroad and was booked to work and flights to travel home at Easter time were excruciatingly expensive. To me it was clear she genuinely didn't care if I was at the wedding or not (otherwise she would have ensured I was there by at least asking me about dates or giving me more than a few weeks notice to buy flights and ask for time off) so while I could have potentially asked for the time off, I didn't and didn't end up going. Why should I put my work in jeopardy and spend $$$$ on flights to go home for ONE day when she couldn't be arsed to plan it so I would be there. I think it's selfish to expect people to drop everything and potentially jeopardize their career so they can attend a wedding.

If your priority was to have the family there you should have ensured the date suited your family even if it meant paying a little more or inviting less people.

I don't think she is pissed you chose the date you chose, I think she is just letting you know she won't be able to make that date and why, and your answer seemed pretty rude and entitled (try harder???) , you expect them to be in bad grounds with their superiors so they can attend your wedding because you didn't think to check they could make it. That's entitled. I also wouldn't have replied to you as my reply would have been pretty rude back if you had told me your mistake was basically my fault for not trying hard enough.