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AIBU?

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Original poster

Future sister in law can't come to wedding

244 replies

LexCB · 30/05/2019 17:04

Hello one and all.
I'm not sure whether I just need to vent or whether I actually need advice...
We paid £1000 deposit to book our wedding on a reasonably priced last minute deal, to then find out we were having another baby and I'd actually be 5 months pregnant by our date in November 2019...so we rearranged for 15 months later for their slightly less reasonably priced winter package in February 2020.

Now it turns out we're idiots who didn't think to buy wedding insurance and the venue went bust- goodbye venue deposit and hello having to rearrange the whole blooming thing again, hoping the photographer, florist and registrar as well as whatever venue we find with our now even tighter budget, can all do the same date- so as to not lose any more deposits (get wedding insurance- I beg you 😂!!). Anyway, we found a new venue and a date where all these things aligned so snapped it up and paid the deposit to new venue for our new date of the Saturday in Easter weekend 2020. We then email out our second lot of save the dates and feel chuffed that we'd sorted it all. Unfortunately, my fiancee's sister says she won't be able to get the day off work from the conservative club she manages as there's an unofficial rule that no-one gets busy Easter or Xmas periods off. She also says that her partner's job won't give him time off as his contract says Easter weekend won't be granted as holiday and she then also goes on to say that her also won't be able to come on that date as he's hoping I get a job at the same place as her partner.

Now. Sigh. What do we do? I've emailed her back saying we really want them there and that obviously we wouldn't have gone with that date had we thought ppl couldn't get time off and I explained how we'd really appreciate it if they could at least ask/try to get time off, given the circumstances- I even gave my own example of how I've asked my work if I could have 3 days unpaid leave during term time (I work in a school) for the honeymoon and they, completely surprisingly, granted it! I told her that to try to highlight that it's at least worth asking. Anyway, we've had no reply and I get the sense they're not going to try and also that they're somehow a little offended that we've inadvertently booked the wedding on a day they might struggle to get off from work.

Soooo....on the face of it I've been really apologetic towards them, but really, I'm pretty annoyed that we even have to make the suggestion that they at least TRY to get it off. Is wedding fatigue making me unreasonable in asking them to try to get the day off? Should it be up to us to see whether there's another date we could rearrange for? I'm thinking of asking his sister whether she might be able to offer to take the day as unpaid leave rather than holiday, and we pay for her hotel...but don't want to offend her further!?

Anyway, help?! I don't think I actually have it in me to rearrange this bloody day again. But then I think- it's his sister and the Guestlist is already mainly ppl on my side as he's got such a small family. Massive, heavy and loud sigh

OP posts:
hytersprite · 30/05/2019 17:27

YABU. Shes said she isnt allowed to have time off.....so thats it Im afraid! Many people work in jobs that have restrictions like this, such as retail at xmas. Getting her to pressure her employer will look bad on her makes you all me , me, me! Your wedding Im afraid is "just a wedding"......

graziemille567 · 30/05/2019 17:27

I say leave it as it is - you have given her plenty of notice and if she says she can't make it then that is up to her. I understand that getting time off work isn't always easy, but she has plenty of time to request time off, and if it is an 'unwritten rule' that people can't take that time off over Easter it isn't actually an enforceable work policy. She can request that day off if she so wishes. And that is the nub - the if she so wishes! You will find as you get closer to your wedding that lots of people will throw potential spanner's in the works, but you cannot change your wedding to suit everyone, so start as you mean to go on and focus on the two of you getting married instead of people that might stress you out!

Notthetoothfairy · 30/05/2019 17:27

@nc100 I think she meant November last year

diddl · 30/05/2019 17:28

Do you mean Feb 2021?

cuppycakey · 30/05/2019 17:28

I'm thinking of asking his sister whether she might be able to offer to take the day as unpaid leave rather than holiday, and we pay for her hotel...but don't want to offend her further!?

No please don't do this! There will always be people who cannot attend any wedding, no matter when you plan it for - although planning it for Easter Saturday is likely to throw up a higher percentage than usual I would have thought.

They won't be coming. No big deal. Have a lovely wedding.

BlueSkiesLies · 30/05/2019 17:29

What do you do? Nothing. Say you would love to have them there but if they can't get the day off you totally understand.

hytersprite · 30/05/2019 17:29

ask her to just do it as unpaid leave!!! wtf!

she has said SHE ISN`T ALLOWED TIME OFF.

Purpleartichoke · 30/05/2019 17:30

When we got married, we had people we considered must attend. We would not have had a wedding that our parents or siblings could not attend. It’s just a matter of personal priorities. Obviously, some people feel differently.

FenellaMaxwell · 30/05/2019 17:31

I think if you pick Christmas or Easter for a wedding you just have to accept that quite a lot of people can’t or won’t come, I’m afraid.

Icandothisallday · 30/05/2019 17:32

I think you may find lots of people cant come.

Illberidingshotgun · 30/05/2019 17:32

If it's the date that works best for you, then go for it, but accept that it's going to be a difficult date for some of your guests to make. Are quite a few people travelling some distance and will be needing a hotel room? It may also be that this is going to be more costly on a holiday weekend, unless your package is at a hotel and involves a deal on rooms.

How close is your partner to his sister? How does he feel about her not being there? For me, that would be the deciding factor.

Also, if you are already pregnant, you will be more than 5 months by November, surely?

Aquamarine1029 · 30/05/2019 17:33

Let it go and have your wedding. Sometimes certain people can't make it. That's just the way life goes.

TanMateix · 30/05/2019 17:34

My sister couldn’t come to our wedding, we survived. We would have loved to be able to change it so she could attend but it would have cost us 3 or 4 times as much and we didn’t want to start our lives as a married couple with a debt we couldn’t afford to pay.

There were some tears, but we survived, we still talk to each other. It was only a day after all.

underneaththeash · 30/05/2019 17:34

My brother did this, booked his wedding for a few months ahead last August and we’d already booked to go on holiday. Holiday involved multiplied hotels/plane journeys, most of which weren’t changeable. So we had to say we couldn’t go (although something happened and wedding was postponed anyway),

We did check our own wedding date first with close family as it was overseas.

These things happen, i’d try and change it.

timeisnotaline · 30/05/2019 17:35

I think she could bloody well at least try to get the days off rather than just passive aggressively being indignant. If she definitely can’t and actually made an effort to try, then I’d consider another rearrangement of the dates. If she didn’t try at all I’d just go ahead and accept that not everyone can make it.

She has been pretty clear about their work rules. If my office didn’t allow leave then, then I would be pretty pissed off if stafff thought that it was worth a try and they should just ask anyway.

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 30/05/2019 17:36

Is wedding fatigue making me unreasonable in asking them to try to get the day off?

Yes. Deeply unreasonable. You've chosen Easter for a start and this is her work's policy. It doesn't matter if it's paid or not, she can't get the time off FFS

Hollowvictory · 30/05/2019 17:38

I'm getting the impression you're not someone that thinks ahead e. G no wedding insurance and you didnt check that your family were available when changing the date. 😳

SolitudeAtAltitude · 30/05/2019 17:39

they can't make it due to ther work commitments.

They are probably not offended, but your e-mail explaining how YO got time off for your honeymoon, and that they just need to try harder to get time off....that is just putting pressure on. I would not know how to reply to that Grin

I would probably simply not reply to such a pushy mail, as there is nothing much you can see other than "can't do"

coffeeaddiction · 30/05/2019 17:39

She should try and get it off but it seems silly to book Easter weekend when lots of people may be going away on holiday /visit family

maidenover · 30/05/2019 17:39

Your dates don’t tally up. Are you getting married in 2020 or 2021?

TanMateix · 30/05/2019 17:40

The work rules are bendable in extraordinary circumstances, a close family member wedding is one. There are always ways around it, you cover for other people in advance so they can cover for you. Obviously there are nasty bosses that would even ask you to change the funeral of your own mother so you can go to a one hour meeting on the day but such arses are rare.

If she doesn’t even want to try, why would you bother to change everything to suit her? It is not “her” wedding after all.

edwinbear · 30/05/2019 17:40

OP lots of people won't be able to make it, there will be plenty who have already booked ski trips for Easter, if you book a wedding over a public holiday that will always be a risk.

MrHaroldFry · 30/05/2019 17:41

It's a wedding Invitation, not a summons.

Yes, ideally you would have checked that all the 'key players' in both families could make the date. You didn't and now future DH sister and her partner can't make it. I'm sure they will ask at work, but if contracted to have no time off at certain business critical periods, they are unlikely to be granted time off.

So, you plod on and keep the date, or, if her not being there is a showstopper you rearrange for the third time.

lyralalala · 30/05/2019 17:42

I'm always amazed when people don't run dates past close family members and then get sniffy when they can't attend.

Some work places simply don't allow time off at certain points. When I worked in a school the head would sometimes give unpaid leave for family weddings, but there would have been no point asking at critical times of the year as it just wouldn't happen.

What does your other half want to do? If it's important to him to have his sister there you'll have to change the date. If it's not you go ahead.

TanMateix · 30/05/2019 17:42

I think Easter weekend is not such a bad time especially with such a long notice. It makes things easier I would say, you don’t need to ask for days off at work or Use annual leave you would like to use to save money in holiday clubs or the like.