Future sister in law can't come to wedding

[LexCB]

Hello one and all.
I'm not sure whether I just need to vent or whether I actually need advice...
We paid £1000 deposit to book our wedding on a reasonably priced last minute deal, to then find out we were having another baby and I'd actually be 5 months pregnant by our date in November 2019...so we rearranged for 15 months later for their slightly less reasonably priced winter package in February 2020.

Now it turns out we're idiots who didn't think to buy wedding insurance and the venue went bust- goodbye venue deposit and hello having to rearrange the whole blooming thing again, hoping the photographer, florist and registrar as well as whatever venue we find with our now even tighter budget, can all do the same date- so as to not lose any more deposits (get wedding insurance- I beg you 😂!!). Anyway, we found a new venue and a date where all these things aligned so snapped it up and paid the deposit to new venue for our new date of the Saturday in Easter weekend 2020. We then email out our second lot of save the dates and feel chuffed that we'd sorted it all. Unfortunately, my fiancee's sister says she won't be able to get the day off work from the conservative club she manages as there's an unofficial rule that no-one gets busy Easter or Xmas periods off. She also says that her partner's job won't give him time off as his contract says Easter weekend won't be granted as holiday and she then also goes on to say that her also won't be able to come on that date as he's hoping I get a job at the same place as her partner.

Now. Sigh. What do we do? I've emailed her back saying we really want them there and that obviously we wouldn't have gone with that date had we thought ppl couldn't get time off and I explained how we'd really appreciate it if they could at least ask/try to get time off, given the circumstances- I even gave my own example of how I've asked my work if I could have 3 days unpaid leave during term time (I work in a school) for the honeymoon and they, completely surprisingly, granted it! I told her that to try to highlight that it's at least worth asking. Anyway, we've had no reply and I get the sense they're not going to try and also that they're somehow a little offended that we've inadvertently booked the wedding on a day they might struggle to get off from work.

Soooo....on the face of it I've been really apologetic towards them, but really, I'm pretty annoyed that we even have to make the suggestion that they at least TRY to get it off. Is wedding fatigue making me unreasonable in asking them to try to get the day off? Should it be up to us to see whether there's another date we could rearrange for? I'm thinking of asking his sister whether she might be able to offer to take the day as unpaid leave rather than holiday, and we pay for her hotel...but don't want to offend her further!?

Anyway, help?! I don't think I actually have it in me to rearrange this bloody day again. But then I think- it's his sister and the Guestlist is already mainly ppl on my side as he's got such a small family. Massive, heavy and loud sigh

Well you have two options really

1. Have the wedding without them
2. Change the date

Also FWIW I got married of the Easter break also I got engaged in August and booked it for the following Easter in April (so 8/9months) and no one I knew had their holidays booked yet 🙄 and they all came and made s holiday out of the wedding. (Lake District)

Con Club. No sweat. Probably won’t exist by the time the wedding comes round.

Firstly while I don't think you are unreasonable for asking her to ask for the time off I think she is probably hurt that you didn't speak to her about the date first. If my Dbro booked a wedding in a school term ( i work in a school) he would know he was risking me not coming and I frankly would be a little hurt if he did that. It would demonstrate to me that it is not that important to him that I was there.

Secondly I am sorry op (and I say this as someone who is quite disorganised) how can you have been so disorganised after everything fell through. Why on earth didn't you cover all possibilities this time round? Booking all the relevant people before checking with guests you really wanted there was silly.

So your choices are to accept she probably won't come or change the date. If you change the date please please check the new date with close family first!!

I can see why you feel she could at least ask for the days off, but I agree with those saying that from her POV, by not checking before booking you’ve given the impression you’re not that bothered if she attends or not and she probably doesn’t feel inclined to call in favours at work in those circumstances.

My mum did this last year. She booked her wedding on Easter weekend without checking if anyone could make it and told me 3 months before the wedding (in a "just so you know" kind of way), I live abroad and was booked to work and flights to travel home at Easter time were excruciatingly expensive.

This seems like it is a bit different than expecting someone to request annual leave for one day off managing a conservative club with a year’s notice.

Given this is the third date change, perhaps she’d already requested time off twice before, possibly on other awkward/busy days; and doesn’t want to risk pissing off her superiors by booking yet another awkward date off for a wedding you clearly weren’t bothered about her attending as you didn’t check with her first?

How busy can a conservative club get?

YouBumder serously? You can’t understand why someone in a relatively paid job/ low status job can’t just skip off work.
Because unlike the lovely legislatied/unionised jobs or well paid “ it will cost us more to re recruit” jobs, you are shafted, Taney might really lime their job, it may give them day to day satisfaction and be saving the NHS a fortune in tablets for having the sister in a totally u suitable job. Yet apparently a work ethic is less important than someone else’s, special day, that they didn’t even take in t9 account your circumstances.

Blimey sorry. Must preview message first.

I can't believe the OP is being ridiculed for making a fricking typo in her dates, considering how crap some posters spelling and grammar is.

For the intellectually challenged:

1. The OP would have been 5 months pregnant in November 2018. However, she made a typo and wrote 2019.
2. She said she re-arranged for 15 months later so maybe that was a big clue that she'd made a typo. Company went bust.
3. Wedding re-arranged again to the later date at Easter 2020.

One fricking typo and she gets half a dozen idiots harping on about it. Bloody nit-picking. No wonder the OP hasn't been back.

OP, I don't think UABU. I am in the minority that considers your fiance's sister could ask for one day off in just under one year's time, to attend her brother's wedding. As the Manager of a Conservative club, essentially a social club, she can surely arrange for a relief manager to take over for the day. That's what frequently happens in other social clubs/ex servicemen's clubs/British Legion clubs.

YANBU, they sound irked maybe because either they don't like you or are bitching about you giving a date and changing a date.

@PlatoAteMyHamster speaks good sense and as @motherofcats81 says This is the sister of the groom we are talking about, I'd move heaven and earth to go to my brother's wedding, and yes i would of course ask even if it was prohibited as it's not just a normal holiday, it's a once in a lifetime event.

How close to the venue are they? What kind of work do they do? Do they normally work weekends? How are the two of them in exactly the same situation? You have given them a years notice. Keep your date OP and whoever wants to make it will make it. If you had to run the date by everyone you intended to ask it would be beyond ridiculous. Let your DP do the emailing to his sister (I think it is telling that she emailed and did not call her brother - to tell him she wouldn't be at his wedding). Stay out of it and concentrate on your own family. Let him respond.

Wow. SO much hostility and judgement (note to self: don't start threads on Mumsnet 😆!)

Firstly, the nonsensical pregnancy dates? I'm simply a tit who wrote the wrong year. To clarify: I was 5 months pregnant on original wedding date of November 2018. Baby was born March 2019 and is now 9 weeks old. Wedding had been rearranged for February 2020, but the venue cancelled two weeks ago. We've just booked another venue for Saturday of Easter weekend 2020. Hope that clears up the confusion.

So on to what I actually wanted to say...to everyone who's politely given objective advice, thank you! Particular thanks to people who civilly highlighted how the future sister in law might be feeling and why my email was perhaps not the BEST way to respond to her saying she couldn't come. Suffice to say I definitely WON'T be asking if she thinks she could take time off as unpaid leave (massive criiiinge for that bright idea!!) Wanting another perspective and suggestions for what to do next is why I posted on here... So, truly, thanks for all the genuine advice!

To all the people who (instead of talking about the specific thing asked for) offered unsolicited opinion about the date we'd chosen/ obnoxious judgement on how they feel I've behaved/ just unashamed insult (bridezilla- good one!)- oh and pretty much anyone who used the term 'ffs' at me- please note that some sarcasm may follow:

I am SO pleased you've found the confidence through the anonymous nature of the internet to speak to complete strangers in a way that you don't in person- why allow silly things like manners or civility or just attempting to be courteous to someone you might disagree with get in the way of being your true, terrible self? Your comments really add something of merit to the thread and were not at all completely pointless. I'm sure you'll keep butting in- er- I mean chipping in- with similarly helpful and well intentioned remarks in LOTS of other people's posts. I hope you get as positive a review there as you're getting here- you deserve it! (Now picture a slightly haggard, sleep deprived woman giving you a slow, sarcastic thumbs up 😁👍.)

If anyone's interested, yes we now have wedding insurance; and pretty much everyone else has said they can make the Easter weekend (so suck on that, date judgers!)

Aaaand on that note, I'd say I'm done in here 😆. Thanks again to the civil people.

Thank god my sister isn’t like you miserable lot.

Maybe your sister has a job that is fairly flexible. My previous line of work was quite flexible but not at that time of year. More cars out on the road means more car accidents. Public holidays mean people go out, get sozzled, more general accidents because people have acted like idiots. Severe assaults etc that need emergency treatment skyrocket at these times of year. Even if it had of been a child’s wedding I would have pretty much told them their options would be move the date or I wouldn’t be there.

Lots of people just can’t get time off at certain times. Reading into it the sister works in some club? I imagine it would be one if the busiest times of year and they are told up front there is no leave over that period?

Some people aren’t ‘miserable’, they genuinely need to work.

Non problem.

Why couldn’t you get married on the original date? With a baby on the way, even more reason to get married so utterly bizarre you postponed it for 15 months in the first place.

If you paid your deposit for the hotel with a credit card, you.may be able to get it back.

Did you pay for Amy of the hotel with a credit card?

Don't move your wedding date again. Best of luck.

did you pay for any of the hotel with a credit card?

Sorry about that Amy

*Severe assaults etc that need emergency treatment skyrocket at these times of year. Even if it had of been a child’s wedding I would have pretty much told them their options would be move the date or I wouldn’t be there.

Lots of people just can’t get time off at certain times. Reading into it the sister works in some club? I imagine it would be one if the busiest times of year and they are told up front there is no leave over that period?

Some people aren’t ‘miserable’, they genuinely need to work.*

Funnily enough she works in a hospital. She also has a child that has a Christmas Day birthday which can never be guaranteed off. In 15 years she has never once worked that day (although she has worked every new year instead and finds having to swap around these days every year insanely stressful). Point is, it can be done.

So EVERYONE in a hospital/ the police/ roadside recovery etc works EVERY day over Easter weekend? Funny, most people I know in those professions have some scheduled days off and I am pretty certain every single member of staff isn’t required on the same day. Maybe you could have at least JUST ASKED, with a year’s notice, that you don’t work that Saturday.

Why cancel your first date? Five months pregnant is hardly uncomfortable waddling stage and usually past the sickness stage for most.

I don’t see the issue nor the drama thread

They can’t make it due to commitments, it happens, I employ lots of people and they cannot take time off in March, being the end of the financial year.

It’s not a unknown thing.

If you'd really wanted her there, as you say, you'd have checked with them before you rearranged the date. She can't come, it's perfectly reasonable for her not to come, you have no valid reason to be annoyed. Weddings are expensive and a lot of faff even when they're local and destination weddings really are putting your guests to another level of stress and expense for no good reason. If you plan a destination wedding then you have to accept that not everyone wants, or is able to, spend all that money and do all the arranging and use their annual leave to come to your wedding.

I know this is AIBU, but even for AIBU this is an unnecessarily judgy thread! I don't think the OP is the first person to get married:

A) Without wedding insurance
B) During school holidays
C) Without screening the date with her family first.

In fact, I know she isn't because I did all of the above myself and I'm pretty sure most of my old University friends would fit into that category too.

OP, you should leave anything DH-family-related to DH and try to stay out of it. It's disappointing that she can't make it, but it's not the end of the world. Some people do have rigid work situations and that's just how it is 🤷🏼‍♀️

I went to a wedding on Easter Sunday, and while I thought it was a little unusual at first, it was certainly a lot easier for most guests than a weekday wedding, which I've also been to. It would certainly be easier for anyone who can only take school holidays off.

Easter can be in late April and pretty late for ski-ing, in Europe anyway. February half term is the favourite date.

I agree that it's her fiancé's problem to sort out really.

Oh the sister works in a nightclub?

FFS, she at least can ask for the time off nearly 12 months in advance. I thought she was a police officer or something the way people were giving off about it.