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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Future sister in law can't come to wedding

244 replies

LexCB · 30/05/2019 17:04

Hello one and all.
I'm not sure whether I just need to vent or whether I actually need advice...
We paid £1000 deposit to book our wedding on a reasonably priced last minute deal, to then find out we were having another baby and I'd actually be 5 months pregnant by our date in November 2019...so we rearranged for 15 months later for their slightly less reasonably priced winter package in February 2020.

Now it turns out we're idiots who didn't think to buy wedding insurance and the venue went bust- goodbye venue deposit and hello having to rearrange the whole blooming thing again, hoping the photographer, florist and registrar as well as whatever venue we find with our now even tighter budget, can all do the same date- so as to not lose any more deposits (get wedding insurance- I beg you 😂!!). Anyway, we found a new venue and a date where all these things aligned so snapped it up and paid the deposit to new venue for our new date of the Saturday in Easter weekend 2020. We then email out our second lot of save the dates and feel chuffed that we'd sorted it all. Unfortunately, my fiancee's sister says she won't be able to get the day off work from the conservative club she manages as there's an unofficial rule that no-one gets busy Easter or Xmas periods off. She also says that her partner's job won't give him time off as his contract says Easter weekend won't be granted as holiday and she then also goes on to say that her also won't be able to come on that date as he's hoping I get a job at the same place as her partner.

Now. Sigh. What do we do? I've emailed her back saying we really want them there and that obviously we wouldn't have gone with that date had we thought ppl couldn't get time off and I explained how we'd really appreciate it if they could at least ask/try to get time off, given the circumstances- I even gave my own example of how I've asked my work if I could have 3 days unpaid leave during term time (I work in a school) for the honeymoon and they, completely surprisingly, granted it! I told her that to try to highlight that it's at least worth asking. Anyway, we've had no reply and I get the sense they're not going to try and also that they're somehow a little offended that we've inadvertently booked the wedding on a day they might struggle to get off from work.

Soooo....on the face of it I've been really apologetic towards them, but really, I'm pretty annoyed that we even have to make the suggestion that they at least TRY to get it off. Is wedding fatigue making me unreasonable in asking them to try to get the day off? Should it be up to us to see whether there's another date we could rearrange for? I'm thinking of asking his sister whether she might be able to offer to take the day as unpaid leave rather than holiday, and we pay for her hotel...but don't want to offend her further!?

Anyway, help?! I don't think I actually have it in me to rearrange this bloody day again. But then I think- it's his sister and the Guestlist is already mainly ppl on my side as he's got such a small family. Massive, heavy and loud sigh

OP posts:
YetAnotherThing · 30/05/2019 18:03

People on MN are bonkers. yANBU and it’s 11 months notice. Agree, it’s your DPs responsibility to ensure his relatives attend. She can definitely ask work as weddings are out of anyone else’s control and don’t set a precedent. I went to a wedding over Easter this year, was great. People more relaxed as they already had GF off, and still had 2 days ahead of them.

NeverSayFreelance · 30/05/2019 18:03

I'm pretty sure OP meant November 2018 and she has already had the baby. The wedding is in 2020.

Petalflowers · 30/05/2019 18:03

If you wanted everyone there, you should have ran the dates before booking.

cheeseislife8 · 30/05/2019 18:07

I spent years in hospitality, and it's very commonplace to have a list of dates that you're not allowed to request off. If you can't have it, you can't have it, regardless of whether it's paid or unpaid. If it's the rules, there's literally no point in her pushing it with her bosses. She's not being awkward IMO, she's just stuck

Lizzie48 · 30/05/2019 18:09

If your SIL says that company policy has a blanket ban on time off at certain times of the year then you’ll have to respect that. You should have checked first, I’m afraid.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 30/05/2019 18:10

I think Easter weekend is not such a bad time especially with such a long notice. It makes things easier I would say, you don’t need to ask for days off at work or Use annual leave

I think that's what the OP thought, without stopping to think for a moment that all of those very popular things that loads of people who do get the weekend off enjoy doing over the long Easter weekend actually require many people who don't to work to facilitate them: ergo the extended breaks and/or school holidays when many people don't have to work are the very times when people in service and holiday industries have no choice but to to work.

cheeseislife8 · 30/05/2019 18:10

Also, what's a reverse?

DoubleDeckerBusRideLover · 30/05/2019 18:12

I was given 2 years notice of my BIL's wedding. I can't go due to work reasons. I did not ask as I know what the answer would be and why make myself look flakey?

I don't mind that I can't go. I presume that they don't mind that I can't go (if they did, surely they would have checked first?)

I would be upset that assumed I didn't ask because I didn't care / didn't want to / didn't think of it / didn't know how, etc.

theSnuffster · 30/05/2019 18:17

My contract states that I cannot take time off during term time. For something like a wedding I would ask my managers, but wouldn't be surprised if they had to say no. I'm sure there are jobs where it's absolutely not negotiable therefore not even worth asking.

Seaandsand83 · 30/05/2019 18:20

There seem to be lots of people saying you're silly for picking Easter weekend OP, to give you some hope we also married on Easter Saturday and booked it 3 months before the date - all 112 day guests could make it and a further 90 evening guests.

It's your husbands call and if he's happy to go ahead then do it. Surely they can make either the ceremony or the evening reception?

Frusty · 30/05/2019 18:23

I got married at Easter, everyone we invited came, from our perspective the people we knew where either retired, or had time off at Easter anyway.

Usuallyinthemiddle · 30/05/2019 18:24

Weddings cause so much fuss and are forgotten about the day after by everyone except the couple. The nonsense around them never ceases to amaze me.
She either can come or she can't. You absolutely cannot ask her to take unpaid leave and jeopardise her livelihood because you want to get married.
I can appreciate you want everyone there and you've had a time of it losing money but take yourself out of the situation for a minute and be reasonable. If he's only got a small family, why didn't he call around first?

caughtinanet · 30/05/2019 18:24

I don't understand your dates either but if you SIL can't make it, she can't make it, no dates going to suit everyone, can she not come for just the service/evening do or whatever time suits her work?

RomanyQueen1 · 30/05/2019 18:28

Either change the date, but this time check everyone you want is available, or accept they can't attend due to work commitments.

MRex · 30/05/2019 18:28

I don't see why they couldn't ask to work shifts or even double shifts on Good Friday, Easter Sunday and Bank Holiday Monday. Even the day shift on the Saturday and then go to the evening reception in the worst case. It sounds like she works at a small hospitality place rather than working on a nuclear warship that she can't physically get off. The purpose of "no leave" is surely to have cover for the whole weekend, I doubt she's there 8am - 3am each day. Her bosses could say no, but she really could ask. I'd have your DH chat to her, messages are easy to misunderstand.

Aridane · 30/05/2019 18:33

I agree with frog below - and so sorry to hear about your double whammy of belly up venue and then SIL / her DP pleading work...

think you are getting a hard ti.. We didn't take wedding insurance, or check if siblings were able to take time off on the date we chose.
Having had the problems you fud with the first venue, it us understandable you were relived to find a date that you could get a venue and all the other providers were able to agree to. In hindsight it is easy to see they were all free because it was Easter, but hindsight is a great thing.
Depending on the hours they work, would they be able to attend for part of the day? Could you arrange to go for a special meal with them shortly after/the day before?

Gruzinkerbell1 · 30/05/2019 18:33

You’re being a bit bridezilla and need to back off. I wouldn’t have replied to your email suggesting I take unpaid leave either.

BlueJava · 30/05/2019 18:35

I'd just leave it and not worry about it. Some people will be able to attend, some not. I don't think it's a big deal and I wouldn't even apologise.

topcat2014 · 30/05/2019 18:40

How profoundly depressing the state of the country is that so many people have to book all their holiday a year in advance, and have so many restrictions on when they can take them.

After all, it is just "work" and the employer could have gone bust by then..

Good luck OP

NeatFreakMama · 30/05/2019 18:41

YANBU weddings are stressful to plan and you've had a tough time. Shell either come or won't but unless your soon to be DH is bothered then I wouldn't worry.

GeorgeTheFirst · 30/05/2019 18:41

These pregnancy dates don't make any sense

Usuallyinthemiddle · 30/05/2019 18:46

How profoundly depressing the state of the country is that so many people have to book all their holiday a year in advance, and have so many restrictions on when they can take them

If you work in a seasonal industry it's normal. You can take off any other time of year but not that week. In hospitality, it's the norm - hence so many casual staff as people quit at Christmas!

Dyrne · 30/05/2019 18:52

Agree that as a manager she has to hold herself to a higher standard - she can’t really enforce the rule for her staff and then decide it doesn’t apply to her. It could cause her major issues in the future with her staff constantly asking for time off during busy periods “but you took Easter off!”. You’ve actually asked her to put herself in an extremely awkward position as a manager.

If you really wanted her there, you should have checked the date with her before committing.

Dyrne · 30/05/2019 18:53

Also agree that in many workplaces, less than a years’ notice isn’t actually that much.

motherofcats81 · 30/05/2019 18:56

Blimey some of these replies are harsh! This is the sister of the groom we are talking about, I'd move heaven and earth to go to my brother's wedding, and yes i would of course ask even if it was prohibited as it's not just a normal holiday, it's a once in a lifetime event. You aren't going to get penalized for asking, almost a year in advance, if there is any chance the rules might be bent for that, as long as you don't make a fuss if they are not (and yes I do work in a similar profession). You probably should have checked with her - though amid the nightmare of trying to rearrange everything and everyone on to a different day it's understandable you didn't, but YANBU, presumably you didn't know about the rule and you would imagine a sibling would at least try. I wouldn't push it but she may well come round and ask of her own accord.

I think the OP knows the world doesn't stop for her wedding so all the bridezilla kicking some PPs seem to have an appetite for probably isn't in order - but this isn't just anyone. And the suggestion of one PP that people might just want to do something else on a long weekend is just 🙄🙄🙄 given the relationship