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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Future sister in law can't come to wedding

244 replies

LexCB · 30/05/2019 17:04

Hello one and all.
I'm not sure whether I just need to vent or whether I actually need advice...
We paid £1000 deposit to book our wedding on a reasonably priced last minute deal, to then find out we were having another baby and I'd actually be 5 months pregnant by our date in November 2019...so we rearranged for 15 months later for their slightly less reasonably priced winter package in February 2020.

Now it turns out we're idiots who didn't think to buy wedding insurance and the venue went bust- goodbye venue deposit and hello having to rearrange the whole blooming thing again, hoping the photographer, florist and registrar as well as whatever venue we find with our now even tighter budget, can all do the same date- so as to not lose any more deposits (get wedding insurance- I beg you 😂!!). Anyway, we found a new venue and a date where all these things aligned so snapped it up and paid the deposit to new venue for our new date of the Saturday in Easter weekend 2020. We then email out our second lot of save the dates and feel chuffed that we'd sorted it all. Unfortunately, my fiancee's sister says she won't be able to get the day off work from the conservative club she manages as there's an unofficial rule that no-one gets busy Easter or Xmas periods off. She also says that her partner's job won't give him time off as his contract says Easter weekend won't be granted as holiday and she then also goes on to say that her also won't be able to come on that date as he's hoping I get a job at the same place as her partner.

Now. Sigh. What do we do? I've emailed her back saying we really want them there and that obviously we wouldn't have gone with that date had we thought ppl couldn't get time off and I explained how we'd really appreciate it if they could at least ask/try to get time off, given the circumstances- I even gave my own example of how I've asked my work if I could have 3 days unpaid leave during term time (I work in a school) for the honeymoon and they, completely surprisingly, granted it! I told her that to try to highlight that it's at least worth asking. Anyway, we've had no reply and I get the sense they're not going to try and also that they're somehow a little offended that we've inadvertently booked the wedding on a day they might struggle to get off from work.

Soooo....on the face of it I've been really apologetic towards them, but really, I'm pretty annoyed that we even have to make the suggestion that they at least TRY to get it off. Is wedding fatigue making me unreasonable in asking them to try to get the day off? Should it be up to us to see whether there's another date we could rearrange for? I'm thinking of asking his sister whether she might be able to offer to take the day as unpaid leave rather than holiday, and we pay for her hotel...but don't want to offend her further!?

Anyway, help?! I don't think I actually have it in me to rearrange this bloody day again. But then I think- it's his sister and the Guestlist is already mainly ppl on my side as he's got such a small family. Massive, heavy and loud sigh

OP posts:
sonjadog · 30/05/2019 17:42

How can you be 5 months pregnant in November? If that were the case, you wouldn't be pregnant now.

TanMateix · 30/05/2019 17:43

Oh dear... another reverse?

Passthecherrycoke · 30/05/2019 17:44

Oh for gods sake the pregnancy is NOW, due in November this year. Not the wedding which is next year.

Iamnotagoddess · 30/05/2019 17:46

Neither my SIL nor my BIL came to our wedding.

I can’t stand either of them so it worked well for me Grin

123rd · 30/05/2019 17:47

You sent and invite, they can't make it, and have given you shed loads of notice and a valid reason. No drama.
Either save a bit of money on two meals that are no longer needed or invite two other people

cuppycakey · 30/05/2019 17:48

and I'd actually be 5 months pregnant by our date in November 2019...so we rearranged for 15 months later for their slightly less reasonably priced winter package in February 2020.

Yeah this doesn't add up at all. I think OP meant she was 5 months pregnant in November 2018. Did you have the baby in March 2019 OP?

sonjadog · 30/05/2019 17:49

The OP says "I'd actually be 5 months pregnant by our date in November 2019".

To me that says that she will be give months pregnant in November, not that the baby is due in November? I think that is said pretty clearly in that statement.

NoBaggyPants · 30/05/2019 17:49

The work rules are bendable in extraordinary circumstances,

Do you know the SIL's employer?

a close family member wedding is one.

A wedding is not an extraordinary circumstance.

SheWoreBlueVelvet · 30/05/2019 17:49

I think it’s rude if you to expect her to ask for time off it her job doesn’t allow it. Especially if her other half is wanting to work in the same place.
It’s different for you as your’re the bride. Even so, my school would be fairly narked 3 days off especially if you were marrying in the Easter holidays.
I think the best you can do is to get married and then take them both out for a meal so they can celebrate with you at a later date.

user1471449295 · 30/05/2019 17:49

You need to accept what she is saying. If she thought it would be appropriate to ask her employer for time off during a period that has clearly been stipulated as NO leave allowed, then she would. She has told you she can’t make it.

MatildaTheCat · 30/05/2019 17:49

Leave it be. Maybe they will find a way to attend. Since you work in a school you obviously have some tight constraints yourself about when you can get married.

I’m in a minority here because I would hope that she could at least ask about taking one day off in this situation- it’s unlikely to harm her career to ask if she could possibly attend her brother’s wedding.

Don’t try and rearrange again, it’s too complicated as you’ve already found. If she doesn’t come have a really lovely meal together to celebrate and keep it all friendly.

Hollowvictory · 30/05/2019 17:50

I think the employer wou say that if the b&g really wanted you there they would have arranged the wedding for a day you can attend.

TanMateix · 30/05/2019 17:50

Dadme question to you, do you know her boss?

Thesearmsofmine · 30/05/2019 17:51

YABU if they can’t get those dates off what do you want them to do?

We wanted to get married in December but my DH wasn’t able to have book time off(he worked in retail at the time) for his own wedding.

AnnaComnena · 30/05/2019 17:51

The work rules are bendable in extraordinary circumstances, a close family member wedding is one. There are always ways around it, you cover for other people in advance so they can cover for you.

What if another member of staff also has a family wedding that weekend, or some other big event?

She's the manager. How would it look if she not only gets time off when noone else is allowed to, but expects someone else to step up and cover for her at one of the busiest times of year? Way to maintain good relations in the workplace. She's doing the right thing in not even trying to get leave, imo.

Might be different if she was a very junior employee and they could get a student in to cover, but the manager needs to be seen to be acting fairly towards all staff and not getting special treatment.

SnowyAlpsandPeaks · 30/05/2019 17:53

A wedding less than a year away- many people I know would find it difficult to attend. 1) some work places require holidays a year in advance 2) you’ve booked Easter-people may already have booked and be paying their holiday off. Very expensive time to go as well- so some may not go due to cost, it can be up to 1k or more to go at Easter, rather than before or after.

LoudBatPerson · 30/05/2019 17:54

You just have to accept they cannot make it. They have work commitments and are not able to get time off at this time of year. It is not reasonable for you to dictate how much pressure/many requests they should submit to their employers. Some companies have blanket rules, and requests (except for very exceptional circumstances - which a Wedding is not), will not be humoured. No one likes a colleague who asks/pressures for the rules to be bent for them.

It is the third save the date you have sent, I wouldn't be surprised if other guests cannot commit, and arrange their holidays and work leave around the date, in case it changes again.

PlatoAteMyHamster · 30/05/2019 17:54

I am with you OP. Work rules with a blanket ban on holiday is one thing, but the wedding of a sibling is somewhat of an exception. What if a funeral were to take place then? Sorry nan, rules are rules. I imagine if the employer made an exception for this kind of circumstance, it would hardly be opening the floodgates would it?! Their main concern is they don’t want people going on holiday in busy times and thus ban it.

I once took two weeks off in the middle of a ‘forbidden’ holiday period. One of my best friends was getting married on the other side of the world. I made it clear that I had no control over the date and I would be going. DH also has strict work rules for these kind of things, we have managed to receive exemptions for weddings.

I would be irritated they hadn’t even tried with almost a year’s notice. YANBU, people have this odd view of weddings on MN. Obviously if the answer was no, you would have to accept it. But I would expect some effort to be made to at least try.

bridgetreilly · 30/05/2019 17:55

YABU, OP, and a massive bridezilla.

It's fine to have booked the wedding without checking all the dates. It's completely unreasonable to have sent the follow up email instructing her what to do with her own workplace. Your work may have been surprisingly accommodating about your honeymoon, that's no reason why her work will be accommodating about her sister in law's wedding.

Get a grip and stop bullying your fiance's family.

Talkingfrog · 30/05/2019 17:56

I think you are getting a hard time. We didn't take wedding insurance, or check if siblings were able to take time off on the date we chose.
Having had the problems you fud with the first venue, it us understandable you were relived to find a date that you could get a venue and all the other providers were able to agree to. In hindsight it is easy to see they were all free because it was Easter, but hindsight is a great thing.
Depending on the hours they work, would they be able to attend for part of the day? Could you arrange to go for a special meal with them shortly after/the day before?

Illberidingshotgun · 30/05/2019 17:57

But the funeral of a close family member would be allowed under compassionate leave - which will be written in to a leave policy.

Icandothisallday · 30/05/2019 17:58

A wedding could have been booked anytime. Doesnt have to be Easter.

No way does OP work in a school and not realise that lots of people go away or have plans......at Easter.

And no loads of employers done allow it just cause 'I told them straight'

bridgetreilly · 30/05/2019 17:58

And yes, funerals are completely different from weddings in terms of time off work.

IvanaPee · 30/05/2019 18:01

Reverse?

mycatisblack · 30/05/2019 18:02

A funeral is completely different to a wedding. After all, you only die once. Wink