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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex left his job to retrain as a doctor - no maintenance

285 replies

Childmaintenancechaser · 30/05/2019 12:59

My ex had a well paid corporate job (between £120K - £150K at various times). Arranging child maintenance was a struggle, for a long time the level was set at £51 / week for two children for reasons I cannot fully understand (he has limited contact, by choice). Childcare fees were not accepted by the CMS as something he has a duty to contribute to either. I had to return to full time work with two under two, and am still deeply in debt accrued at that time.
Now he finally has a job where he is employed in the UK and his full earnings are under PAYE and thus visible to the HMRC. And... I have just received an official letter from him that he is quitting his current job in order to retrain as a medical doctor and not planning to be in paid employment at least for the next six years. He's in early 50s, and both our children are still under 5.
I don't even know what my AIBU is. AIBU to think that if one has enough funds to get through the medical school, it has to be taken into account for the child support calculation? AIBU to be very jealous at him for having this freedom to do as he wishes?

OP posts:
Thehop · 30/05/2019 13:01

YANBU at all, I’m so sorry.

milafawny · 30/05/2019 13:02

Unfortunately CMS will not take into account income that isnt taxed. So he wont have to contribute. My ex lives off an inheritance he received for over £100k so was set at nil rate for our 3 children i work full time, and study to better our lives, to support. The system is so flawed, their should be an enforceable basic rate to all absent parents regardless of their income.

milafawny · 30/05/2019 13:03

there Blush

Sciurus83 · 30/05/2019 13:04

What an odious piece of shit he is, I am sorry you have to deal with this. It sounds like you are doing a fantastic job, your children will know who comes through for them every day. Keep on trucking OP

TinselTimes · 30/05/2019 13:05

Yanbu at all, that’s a terrible selfish thing for him to do.

Lifeisabeach09 · 30/05/2019 13:06

YANBU.
Other income and savings should be looked at and there should be legal consequences for not paying.
No words for how bad the child maintenance system is in the UK.

PoesyCherish · 30/05/2019 13:07

Oh my goodness he's an arse! The law is messed up when it comes to students and maintenance. My ex did this to his ex for a while. Although he switched from benefits (so a grand total of £7 per week child maintenance) to being a student so he didn't have to pay for their then 5 year old Angry

f83mx · 30/05/2019 13:10

What a shit system - and a shit dad! How ppl can go about their day knowing they’re providing f all for their kids I don’t know - who does he think he has beaten ? The system?! It’s his flesh and blood that miss out.

sincethereis · 30/05/2019 13:11

YABU.

He isn’t earning any money so has no money to give you.

hibbledibble · 30/05/2019 13:11

Doing a six year course in his fifties? Has he provided any proof of this. It doesn't ring true. There is a huge cost of training a doctor, so they wouldn't usually accept someone who would have such a short time until retirement to work post qualification.

Also six year is an undergraduate course, plus an intercalated degree. Does he not have a degree already? Very few places do six years as standard (Cambridge, Oxford, UCL, Imperial I believe). Even these places wouldn't ask a degree holder to do the intercalated degree.

Disfordarkchocolate · 30/05/2019 13:12

How long is he actually without an income, I thought trainee doctors were waged after their undergraduate degree?

Jayblue · 30/05/2019 13:13

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all- clearly he should be contributing something- and if he's self funding Med School, then he's clearly well off.

I agree that there should be some minimum enforceable rate- after all, resident parents can't just stop paying for their children.

HollowTalk · 30/05/2019 13:15

Would the medical school really accept a man his age on a course like that? He would almost be at retirement age by the time he qualified.

And if he has the money to do that, then surely he has the money to pay for his children?

It's terrible that people are getting away without paying for their children. Do you have shared friends who know what he's doing?

CripsSandwiches · 30/05/2019 13:15

Bloody hell that's ridiculous. I definitely think capital should be taken into account. If you have money sitting in the bank you can pay towards your kids.

Bookworm4 · 30/05/2019 13:15

In his 50s and going to medical school? I'd be thinking he's lying, so he won't graduate until he's nearly 60? Sounds like he'll do anything to avoid supporting his kids.

TheInvestigator · 30/05/2019 13:18

How did he get into medical school at that age?

Have you received a letter from CMS informing you that he has actually quit his job? He can't lie to them if he is still earning and being taxed. Is he hoping you will cancel the CMS case?

Tolleshunt · 30/05/2019 13:19

Well, with that level of social and familial responsibility and compassion, he'll make a fine doctor, won't he? Just the sort of medic we are crying out for.

This is truly shit, OP, and it shouldn't be allowed. I'm not sure if there is any way to pursue this, or any sort of appeal process for CSA decisions, but he must have funds squirrelled away if he can study, support himself and pay tuition fees for that long. How would the ethics committee of the GMC view this, vis a vis his general character, and how it relates to his fitness and propriety to be a doctor?

I'm sure there are wiser posters with more practical help for you, but I just wanted to extend some sympathy.

TheInvestigator · 30/05/2019 13:19

Does anyone know if any single mum's have ever sued an ex for maintenace due to them having hundreds of thousands in the bank but no "income" so no payments?

sincethereis · 30/05/2019 13:19

@hibbledibble
they wouldn't usually accept someone who would have such a short time until retirement to work post qualification

They don’t discriminate based on age. Only age requirement is above 18.
+six year is an undergraduate course, plus an intercalated degree*

Graduate programs are usually 4 years + 2 foundation years so maybe that’s where the 6 years come from

MissConductUS · 30/05/2019 13:20

This is wildly unlikely unless he's going to a medical school in a third world country and paying the full tuition out of current funds. A reputable medical school wouldn't consider a candidate that old and he wouldn't be able to borrow the funding due to the very limited number of years he'd be in practice.

sincethereis · 30/05/2019 13:20

@HolowTalk

Once again, that would be discriminatory based on age.

TheInvestigator · 30/05/2019 13:20

If he is actually going to medical school, find out which one and write to their ethics board informing them of his character!

Mintychoc1 · 30/05/2019 13:21

I’d want to see proof from the university. I’d be surprised if a they’d take on a student that age. He’ll be nearly 60 by the time he’s working as a doctor, and that would only be at a very junior level.

wineandroses1 · 30/05/2019 13:21

sincethereis then he needs to earn some fucking money so he can pay for his kids! These bastards that do nothing to support the children they bred are scum and the child maintenance system in this country is not fit for purpose. Anyone that avoids supporting their children should be imprisoned until they commit to paying regularly.

ThanksItHasPockets · 30/05/2019 13:22

I really don't want to be ageist but competition for medical school places is fierce and I'm genuinely surprised that a reputable medical school would take on a student in his fifties. Are you sure that the offer is genuine?

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