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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex left his job to retrain as a doctor - no maintenance

285 replies

Childmaintenancechaser · 30/05/2019 12:59

My ex had a well paid corporate job (between £120K - £150K at various times). Arranging child maintenance was a struggle, for a long time the level was set at £51 / week for two children for reasons I cannot fully understand (he has limited contact, by choice). Childcare fees were not accepted by the CMS as something he has a duty to contribute to either. I had to return to full time work with two under two, and am still deeply in debt accrued at that time.
Now he finally has a job where he is employed in the UK and his full earnings are under PAYE and thus visible to the HMRC. And... I have just received an official letter from him that he is quitting his current job in order to retrain as a medical doctor and not planning to be in paid employment at least for the next six years. He's in early 50s, and both our children are still under 5.
I don't even know what my AIBU is. AIBU to think that if one has enough funds to get through the medical school, it has to be taken into account for the child support calculation? AIBU to be very jealous at him for having this freedom to do as he wishes?

OP posts:
Fitbitfatbat · 30/05/2019 13:47

UK medical schools - and all UK medical schools are highly-regulated and "reputable", they may have varying reputations for academic rigor but you can't pick up a medical degree just anywhere - do indeed take on trainees in their 40s and 50s. Some of whom go on to train in tough and competitive specialities, believe it or not. A six-year degree either has an intercalation year for an additional degree (not compulsory) or a foundation year for those without the traditional clutch of A-levels. Those of you casting doubt on this - you're wrong. There is no age cut-off either in theory or practice. Oldest med school entrant I know of was mid-50s.

You don't get paid until graduating. First job as a UK doc is a two-year postgraduate foundation post, c.£30K with anti-social hours banding.

All that doesn't set aside the fact that OP's ex is acting very selfishly and with scant regard to his kids.

gottastopeatingchocolate · 30/05/2019 13:51

@Pregnantsea - Not sure what you mean by has enough funds to get through medical school? You don't need funds for it as such, you get a student loan

As he has given up his job to attend university, he will have to have funds to pay his bills, eat, run his car etc.

DerelictWreck · 30/05/2019 13:54

@Pregnantsea - Not sure what you mean by has enough funds to get through medical school? You don't need funds for it as such, you get a student loan

As he has given up his job to attend university, he will have to have funds to pay his bills, eat, run his car etc.

You also can't get a student loan if you already have a degree, which he has. So he's looking at £54,000 for tuition for a 6 year degree

DerelictWreck · 30/05/2019 13:55

^ that should have had all sorts of bolds etc.

JungleT1gerCam0 · 30/05/2019 13:57

I've read stories on the news about people graduating later in life. There was one recently about a lady who changed career & became a mid wife in her 60s
There is no retirement age now
State pension age is 65 to 68 & increasing, so I can't see why he couldn't work after graduating.
I guess he could even volunteer for a medical charity

Makes me wonder why he had children

SchadenfreudePersonified · 30/05/2019 13:57

Would the medical school really accept a man his age on a course like that? He would almost be at retirement age by the time he qualified.

A reputable medical school wouldn't consider a candidate that old and he wouldn't be able to borrow the funding due to the very limited number of years he'd be in practice.

THIS ^

ChicCroissant · 30/05/2019 14:00

University of Buckingham, by any chance?

cosytoaster · 30/05/2019 14:01

YANBU.

It's a shitty, selfish thing to do. Unfortunately, this type of thing is not uncommon.

pallisers · 30/05/2019 14:05

Write back to him saying something short like You understand that he is giving the entire (as opposed to the previous majority) finanical and other responsibilty for his children to you and saving lives and helping people is largely irrelevant when he is capable of washing his hands of his own children.

He is probably funding it from savings he squirreled away because he paid so little for his own children. What a hero he is.

Then you will have to work on just getting over this and not thinking about him. Unfortunately the father of your children is a dud, a selfish man. You won't be able to change him and UK law doesn't support you and you'll go nuts if you think about it all the time.

In the end of the day, like Jackie Kennedy said, if you mess things up with your children, nothing else you do matters much, does it. When the time comes I wouldn't go along with the "isn't dad great he went back to be a doctor" narrative he'll be giving his children (if he is still in touch with them). I would state very clearly to my children that he may have done that old cliche and followed his dreams but he did it because you were responsible and DIDN'T do something similar - if there are children, for every brave soul following a dream there is a responsible soul picking up the pieces.

Nearlythere1 · 30/05/2019 14:06

Seriously why are you all questioning his acceptance on the degree? He can pay the fees and he's obviously going to be self funding. There's absolutely no issues with his acceptance or his age. He can pay. He's on the course. Get over that part!

pallisers · 30/05/2019 14:07

Also chances of him completing the course are not high imo. Medicine is hard academic work - unless he has been working in the sciences and keeping up it will be difficult for him. I hope it is bloody difficult for him - selfish git.

PregnantSea · 30/05/2019 14:07

You can get a loan for a medical degree if you already have a degree, in the UK they make an exception for medical degrees.

Oldbutstillgotit · 30/05/2019 14:07

Are you sure the letter is genuine ?

Upzadaizy · 30/05/2019 14:09

The way men are enabled simply to walk away from their children. and pay nowhere near half of what it takes to feed, clothe, shelter & educate them is a deep scandal.

The attitude seems to be tat Who cares? It's a woman's job to raise the children. How dare she think she can have a life/career/live out of poverty, as well?

YADNBU, OP

daisypond · 30/05/2019 14:11

Of course he can be accepted onto a medicine course in his 50s. But I’m surprised he got accepted without, say, having done an Access into Medicine course first if he has a non relevant degree. Or maybe he has. Even if he has related A levels he will need proof of recent study. Maybe he has this too. Are you sure the letter is genuine?

managedmis · 30/05/2019 14:23

They're his kids, right?

managedmis · 30/05/2019 14:24

He sounds like one slimy son of a bitch

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/05/2019 14:26

What a pig! Disgraceful behaviour. I’m sure you are jealous that he can just swan off and follow his dweam.

sincethere
There’s always one! Ops ex will be funding the course himself - or that’s what she’s assuming seeing as he has been earning a very high salary. But hey, tots normal that he gets to give zero to the kids during the next 4+ years. Confused

Original poster
Childmaintenancechaser · 30/05/2019 14:27

I think the letter is genuine, my ex is bad in many respects, but forgery is not one of them.
It is medicine with a foundation / access year. 6 years is stated in his own letter, not in the uni acceptance letter (phrased as he expects to have no salary income for 6 years, not that he will be studying for 6 years).
I knew that he had a dream of changing careers to medicine. It is just that I started to see the light out of the current debt hole, with the re-calculation of the child maintenance award based on his latest P60 (where he has a full year as a UK resident tax payer with a six-digit salary).
I have a reasonably well paying job too, and he knows that the children will not be starving / living in poverty as long as I am able to work.

OP posts:
pallisers · 30/05/2019 14:31

I have a reasonably well paying job too, and he knows that the children will not be starving / living in poverty as long as I am able to work.

yes. he is a leech.

Original poster
Childmaintenancechaser · 30/05/2019 14:37

They're his kids, right?
Yes, how else would I claim child maintenance for them?

OP posts:
AlexaAmbidextra · 30/05/2019 14:39

He isn’t earning any money so has no money to give you.

When then perhaps he shouldn’t be allowed the luxury of opting out of earning when he has a prior responsibility to support his children. You can bet your life he has enough stashed away that he won't be scraping around on a student grant. It’s so wrong.

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/05/2019 14:39

If you asked him to continue to contribute as he is now, will he laugh in your face?

KurriKurri · 30/05/2019 14:40

My X applied to retrain as a doctor when he was early fifties - they don't discriminate on age, however odd it may seem that someone of that age would be accepted onto a long training course. Yhey aren't allowed ot discriminate as has been said.

As has also been said - he will most likely make a lousy doctor as he doesn;t come over as a caring person. Maybe he'll fail in the first year.
If he was on such a high salary before, does he have any savings or investments that are taxed ?

fourquenelles · 30/05/2019 14:41

I wish we mothers had a switch that we could flick that would turn off our nurturing instincts and desire to protect our young. With the switch turned off we could bundle up the children and drop them on these wasters' doorsteps and say "Over to you now". Mirroring exactly what these wonderful fathers have done.