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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex left his job to retrain as a doctor - no maintenance

285 replies

Childmaintenancechaser · 30/05/2019 12:59

My ex had a well paid corporate job (between £120K - £150K at various times). Arranging child maintenance was a struggle, for a long time the level was set at £51 / week for two children for reasons I cannot fully understand (he has limited contact, by choice). Childcare fees were not accepted by the CMS as something he has a duty to contribute to either. I had to return to full time work with two under two, and am still deeply in debt accrued at that time.
Now he finally has a job where he is employed in the UK and his full earnings are under PAYE and thus visible to the HMRC. And... I have just received an official letter from him that he is quitting his current job in order to retrain as a medical doctor and not planning to be in paid employment at least for the next six years. He's in early 50s, and both our children are still under 5.
I don't even know what my AIBU is. AIBU to think that if one has enough funds to get through the medical school, it has to be taken into account for the child support calculation? AIBU to be very jealous at him for having this freedom to do as he wishes?

OP posts:
calpop · 30/05/2019 14:41

I think it's genuine. I looked into doing this in London in my early 40s and ultimately concluded I couldn't afford it - young children, couldnt be out of earning for that long, so I am jealous of him, he's lucky he can do it. Anyway. on the information day they had current and previous students talking about the course and life as a doctor. At least 10 were in their 40s and 50s and one had just started teh course at 64. I don't think age is a barier at all. Whether they will actually really practice medicine I don't know but it was certainly popular.

funinthesun19 · 30/05/2019 14:46

Yanbu. It is shit of him to do that. I really don’t know what to suggest apart from can you claim maintenance from any student loans/ bursaries he may get? Is he going to get a part time job around his studies?

OKBobble · 30/05/2019 14:46

Yes he will be treated the same as an 18nyear old with regards to student finance and applications.

Fewer medics are coming into the country due to Brexit/fears of freedom of movement etc. Also more people are dropping out of medicine after a couplenof years.

A mature student following his dream (which the OP has confirmed) is possibly more likely to remain in practice until he eventually retires and therefore give a longer period of service than many young students.

However - yes he is being a complete wanker by not supporting his children to live his dream!!

crimsonlake · 30/05/2019 14:47

Some fathers are shite to put it politely and will do anything to avoid paying for their children.
The only good thing is that you actually have a job. I agree proof will be required that he has been accepted to Medical School and is attending. Do not give up with the CMS, badger them I did and managed to get maintenance arrears and Court Ordered Maintenance arrears which is another story in itself.

Whatdoyouknowwhenyouknownowt · 30/05/2019 14:48

Fuck me, what a shit he is, literally, no words.

Pa1oma · 30/05/2019 14:49

Sorry but what a b***rd! So, if he’s in his early 50s now, he’ll be almost 60 when he qualifies as a doctor? This is beyond ridiculous. What planet is he on?

Well he may have saved himself a few £££££ over the years, but you can bet your boots his DC won’t be falling over themselves to help him out in his old age. You are the real winner OP, don’t forget this. Your DC will work it out for themselves.

The fool! I find this unbelievable.

I’m so sorry for you OP and you sound amazing. What a vile man. I think you have to take action. Inform the medical board or his prospective uni for a start. He may have had to get references to be accepted onto this course - so undermine them. It’s the truth after all!

Does he have a new wife or any more DC?

I bet he has money stashed somewhere. What is he proposing to live off for these 6 years? Can you get legal advice? What a bastard!

Figgygal · 30/05/2019 14:50

So he actively limits contact with his children and now actively tries to avoid having to contribute towards them financially what an asshole

GrapefruitsAreNotTheOnlyFruit · 30/05/2019 14:53

Child maintenance should be compulsory and a criminal offence not to pay.

If you are totally broke, with no income or assets then you should be able to apply for a benefit to cover the cost as I think you can do with council tax.

myself2020 · 30/05/2019 14:54

A friends’s husband did something similar to his ex wife (and 5 kids). left his high paid consultant job and joined a medical charity operating in Africa purely to not pay maintenance. charity never enquired about his motivations/obligations, and the kids grew up with absolutely nothing. i’ve stopped donating to any if these charities, the ex husband wasn’t the only one with similar motivations there

BishopBrennansArse · 30/05/2019 14:57

Can't be if any practical use but what an utter, utter knobcheese your ex is.

PurpleDaisies · 30/05/2019 14:59

There’s a lot of ignorance around medical school admissions policies. Yes, 50 year olds can be accepted on courses.

*If he is actually going to medical school, find out which one and write to their ethics board informing them of his character!

PurpleDaisies · 30/05/2019 15:00

If he is actually going to medical school, find out which one and write to their ethics board informing them of his character!

This will make absolutely no difference at all to his place on the course. None.

Arseholes are allowed to be doctors as well.

Purpleartichoke · 30/05/2019 15:02

Grapefruits... has it right.

There should be an absolute minimum support payment. For people truly unable to make that payment, benefits should be available to cover it. People who wan

managedmis · 30/05/2019 15:05

They're his kids, right?

^

It just amazes me how these men can be so callous towards their own children!

Annasgirl · 30/05/2019 15:07

To all of you saying he couldn't get into med school at his age - yes he can, I know of someone who has just gotten in, aged over 50. It is based on competence and there is no age discrimination.

managedmis · 30/05/2019 15:08

'' so I am jealous of him, he's lucky he can do it'

Yes. And how is it even legal that he can, where he has the responsibility of children?

The system is fucked, to the detriment of women. Always women.

iolaus · 30/05/2019 15:09

Are you sure this is real?
(not you making it up but him)

chickhonhoneybabe · 30/05/2019 15:09

It sounds like he’s doing an access course, which he will need to do if he hasn’t studied in the last year.

PurpleDaisies · 30/05/2019 15:11

Are you sure this is real?
(not you making it up but him)

Did you miss all the posters saying it is entirely possible to go to medical school at 50? Confused

SynchroSwimmer · 30/05/2019 15:11

Sorry I haven’t read all replies...but are there any grandparents involved on his side?
If so, is there any merit in/could you find a way of making them aware of the situation?

chickhonhoneybabe · 30/05/2019 15:11

Sorry meant last 5 years.

If you’ve not studied within the last 5 years you can’t apply to uni, you need to do an access to higher education course or an equivalent course.

PurpleDaisies · 30/05/2019 15:12

If you’ve not studied within the last 5 years you can’t apply to uni, you need to do an access to higher education course or an equivalent course

That’s not true.

Original poster
Childmaintenancechaser · 30/05/2019 15:17

If you asked him to continue to contribute as he is now, will he laugh in your face?
He's not the type to laugh, rather will pontificate about how we have only one life to live, and what's the sense of it if you are not following your dreams, and I'll cope perfectly as I am such a great resourceful mother and a professional. I heard exactly this speech several times, starting from when he left for OW who was his "dream" at that time.

I am actually trying to draft a response and this thread is quite helpful for arranging my thoughts. Sorry for not responding to every post, will do later - currently browsing on my coffee breaks at work.

OP posts:
Original poster
Childmaintenancechaser · 30/05/2019 15:19

@SynchroSwimmer
Unfortunately no - one already deceased, one suffering from dementia and in care home.

OP posts:
daisypond · 30/05/2019 15:22

And his course includes a foundation/access course first.