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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex left his job to retrain as a doctor - no maintenance

285 replies

Childmaintenancechaser · 30/05/2019 12:59

My ex had a well paid corporate job (between £120K - £150K at various times). Arranging child maintenance was a struggle, for a long time the level was set at £51 / week for two children for reasons I cannot fully understand (he has limited contact, by choice). Childcare fees were not accepted by the CMS as something he has a duty to contribute to either. I had to return to full time work with two under two, and am still deeply in debt accrued at that time.
Now he finally has a job where he is employed in the UK and his full earnings are under PAYE and thus visible to the HMRC. And... I have just received an official letter from him that he is quitting his current job in order to retrain as a medical doctor and not planning to be in paid employment at least for the next six years. He's in early 50s, and both our children are still under 5.
I don't even know what my AIBU is. AIBU to think that if one has enough funds to get through the medical school, it has to be taken into account for the child support calculation? AIBU to be very jealous at him for having this freedom to do as he wishes?

OP posts:
sincethereis · 30/05/2019 13:22

@missconductUS
@Theinvestigator
Once again, you can’t not accept someone just because of their age.

LagunaBubbles · 30/05/2019 13:22

Once they have left medical school Doctors in training get a salary from the NHS.

Antonin · 30/05/2019 13:22

Certainly wouldn’t be good doctor material with his attitudes to vulnerable people

Tistheseason17 · 30/05/2019 13:23

I agree with @TheInvestigator

I also cannot believe he is studying at his age. I considered it and ruled it out in my late 40s as by time I qualified it would be time to retire!!

Original poster
Childmaintenancechaser · 30/05/2019 13:23

Thanks all.
Yes, I have an acceptance letter attached, to start in autumn 2019 - I understand he has just handed in the notice at work. He is most likely self-funding his degree, not getting a bursary.
He does have a previous degree, in accounting.
My main emotion is probably jealousy, if I am honest. I cannot afford a mid-life crisis or a dramatic change of career / employment. Stuck in a boring thankless job, in contrast with his letter - all so lyrical about helping people and saving lives.

OP posts:
sincethereis · 30/05/2019 13:23

@ThanksIthasPockets.

That is ageism. When they decide who gets a place, they look at entrance test results, degree results, personal statements.

They can’t decide to not accept someone because of their age. That’s equal to not accepting someone because of their race or gender. Something they can’t Change

Youseethethingis · 30/05/2019 13:25

I’m baffled how a person who clearly gives zero shits about his own vulnerable young children can possibly think he is a worthy individual to enter a caring profession.

StrippingTheVelvet · 30/05/2019 13:25

I don't think they'd be allowed to turn him based on his age. Would that not be age discrimination? What a wanker though!

Bookworm4 · 30/05/2019 13:25

If he has the funds to pay for a degree then surely CMS can consider this? How did he have such a large salary and manage to hide it?

PeoniesarePink · 30/05/2019 13:27

I'd say great. Because once he's on a course, you can write to them and inform them of his complete lack of financial support.

There are very strong ethics around being a Doctor - this would not look good for him.

Frankly though, I think he's bullshitting. No man in his 50s would cope with the hours and stress of being a student Doctor. It nearly killed my friend's son and he was in his 20s!

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 30/05/2019 13:28

He’s a shit. You reap what you sow though. This is likely to have an impact on his relationship with the children in the long term.

Original poster
Childmaintenancechaser · 30/05/2019 13:28

@Bookworm4
He was not tax resident in the UK for a couple of years, spending more than 180 days in a different jurisdiction (where the head office of the company was) and was officially paid there. However, he had some income that was taxed at source in the UK, so was on the HMRC books too.

OP posts:
Jaxhog · 30/05/2019 13:29

If he has a letter, then it would seem to be true. However unlikley that might appear to be.

It is outrageous though, that he can afford to self-fund a major career change while contributing nothing to support his own kids.

ThanksItHasPockets · 30/05/2019 13:30

That is ageism. When they decide who gets a place, they look at entrance test results, degree results, personal statements.

They can’t decide to not accept someone because of their age. That’s equal to not accepting someone because of their race or gender. Something they can’t Change

I don't disagree with you, but given that medicine courses are heavily oversubscribed with excellent candidates, and given this man's previous behaviour as described by OP, it's reasonable to wonder whether his claim is implausible.

Boysey45 · 30/05/2019 13:31

I think he might be lying OP. I read somewhere there was a cut off age for training to be a medical Dr and I'm sure it was mid to late 40s. I'd ring up a university admissions and just ask.

dottiedodah · 30/05/2019 13:32

As others have said here ,it does seem very strange that a medical school would train someone at such an advanced age!.Do you think he is possibly contributing money to study rather than a full degree?.I find it hard to see that there would be any value to the medical school.Can you check for yourself?.I agree some fathers seem to go to any lengths to avoid paying out for their families!.You are not BU at all far from it!

Readytogogogo · 30/05/2019 13:33

Is the degree graduate entry? If so, it should say on his acceptance letter. These are all 4 year courses, rather than the usual 5 (few are 6 years). Yes, people in their 50s can be and indeed are accepted into graduate entry medicine.

Is the six years also including the two years as a foundation doctor? It shouldn't, as these are paid.

Nearlythere1 · 30/05/2019 13:35

That's abhorrent, and he's clearly only doing it to avoid paying you and plans to live off his no doubt substantial nest egg. Has he got family you could shame him through? Not that it will make a difference, but I certainly would.

CroydonGirl1 · 30/05/2019 13:36

Wow your ex is a dick. I'm afraid the petty in me would be tempted to do everything I could do ensure he has no access to the children at all. He actively doesn't want to contribute towards their lives, and has obviously been squirrelling away cash to fund this course.

I'm sure there are loads of people on this site who would love the opportunity to retrain for a new career, but they have the expenses of children and it's therefore something they will never get to do - they put their kids needs first. Your ex clearly doesn't do that.

he's not willing to be around for the rubbish bits of parenting, so he shouldn't get to have the good bits too, or any of the glory when they are grown up and having their own successful careers thanks to all the sacrifices you made for them.

Nearlythere1 · 30/05/2019 13:36

Also, unis will accept anybody for any degree as long as they can pay and meet the entry requirements, so there's no point in questioning that decision, though I would triple check he actually does attend somehow.

gottastopeatingchocolate · 30/05/2019 13:37

CMS will not expect him to pay anything if he has no taxable income. Living on his savings is acceptable to them.

You can ask for them to investigate if you feel that something isn't adding up.

You could ask for him to make a voluntary contribution to his children's maintenance, given that he is able to support himself through six years of study. But the "system" won't enforce anything if he legitimately isn't earning - no matter how much he has in the bank.

Coyoacan · 30/05/2019 13:43

It is shit that someone cares so little about their children and that the CSA is so incapable of getting the money out of them.

Now would I want someone like that as my doctor?

Brakebackcyclebot · 30/05/2019 13:44

My main emotion is probably jealousy, if I am honest. I cannot afford a mid-life crisis or a dramatic change of career / employment. Stuck in a boring thankless job, in contrast with his letter - all so lyrical about helping people and saving lives

Whilst I agree 100% with you that this is shit, I think what you say here is really honest. Sadly, while you let what he's doing affect you so much, he's got control over your feelings. All the previous posts agreeing with you about how unfair this is, although justified in sentiment, don't actually help you, other than keep you feeling stuck where you are.

What could you do to make things better for yourself?

PregnantSea · 30/05/2019 13:45

Not sure what you mean by has enough funds to get through medical school? You don't need funds for it as such, you get a student loan.

But anyway, this situation is awful for you and your DC. It almost sounds like he's doing it just to spite his children. He will have so little time to work as a doctor that it seems pointless. And once he graduates he will be FY1/FY2 for at least 2 years so will be getting paid sweet fuck all anyway. What a complete cock. So sorry this is happening. I don't think there is anything that you could do though.

itbemay · 30/05/2019 13:45

If he is actually going to medical school, find out which one and write to their ethics board informing them of his character!

This, with bells on!

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