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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex left his job to retrain as a doctor - no maintenance

285 replies

Childmaintenancechaser · 30/05/2019 12:59

My ex had a well paid corporate job (between £120K - £150K at various times). Arranging child maintenance was a struggle, for a long time the level was set at £51 / week for two children for reasons I cannot fully understand (he has limited contact, by choice). Childcare fees were not accepted by the CMS as something he has a duty to contribute to either. I had to return to full time work with two under two, and am still deeply in debt accrued at that time.
Now he finally has a job where he is employed in the UK and his full earnings are under PAYE and thus visible to the HMRC. And... I have just received an official letter from him that he is quitting his current job in order to retrain as a medical doctor and not planning to be in paid employment at least for the next six years. He's in early 50s, and both our children are still under 5.
I don't even know what my AIBU is. AIBU to think that if one has enough funds to get through the medical school, it has to be taken into account for the child support calculation? AIBU to be very jealous at him for having this freedom to do as he wishes?

OP posts:
OnePotMeal · 30/05/2019 15:24

He's a useless father and the OP is completely justified in being pissed off and envious, but omg what a lot of bad advice on this thread. It's perfectly possible that he's going to medical school. Medical schools - especially 'reputable' ones [eyeroll] - obviously can't discriminate against older candidates, the length of courses varies depending on his prior study/qualifications, and it's bollocks to say he has to have studied in the last 5 years. OP, please don't write to his university about his dodgy 'ethics', that is really terrible advice that could come back to haunt you, as well as being a completely pointless exercise. Let it go. He is useless. The kids will grow up knowing who was there for them and who wasn't.

GrapefruitsAreNotTheOnlyFruit · 30/05/2019 15:27

Students with child maintenance payments should definitely not be exempt.

At most if they have no assets they should be eligible for an additional loan to meet this cost which they have to pay back afterwards just like any other student loan.

Why should the mother be made to bear all the costs?

Sausagerollers · 30/05/2019 15:29

It's ridiculous that these men just walk away from their own DC as if putting a roof over their head & food in their mouths is nothing to do with them.

In a just world all parents who do not contribute financially to their DCs upbringing should be put in a work house, made to sell their cars, homes etc to force them to pay.

It really is criminal.

So sorry OP, I am unable to help, but truly feel your fury, it's a hugely unjust system.

chickhonhoneybabe · 30/05/2019 15:31

Ok seems I’m wrong with the 5 year resent study for medicine, I’m doing an undergraduate healthcare course and it was a requirement to have studied within the last 5 years.

How come undergraduate degrees require you to have studied within the last 5 years? Is it because it’s a longer course?

PurpleDaisies · 30/05/2019 15:32

How come undergraduate degrees require you to have studied within the last 5 years? Is it because it’s a longer course?

They don’t. Where are you getting this from?

chickhonhoneybabe · 30/05/2019 15:33

Ah I’ve answered my own question it’s because medicine includes a foundation year..

hairyharrison · 30/05/2019 15:34

What an utter piece of shit. I can imagine him sitting down and working out if he has enough savings to follow his dream, listing out his expenses and not including his fucking children in it.

chickhonhoneybabe · 30/05/2019 15:34

@PurpleDaisies I’m doing a healthcare undergraduate degree, you have to have studied within the last 5 years to be eligible to apply

Bigfanofcheese · 30/05/2019 15:35

It's not true about there being a cut off age- I am working towards applying for graduate entry aged 32 and was worried about this but no, apparently applicants in their 40s and 50s do get in.

I'm not well versed in child maintenance but could you see your solicitor about this with a view to working out an agreement if he has savings to live off, even if CMS don't have a requirement in his case? It is so infuriatingly unfair, however resourceful you are.

PurpleDaisies · 30/05/2019 15:37

I’m doing a healthcare undergraduate degree, you have to have studied within the last 5 years to be eligible to apply

That doesn’t mean all courses have that requirement. Confused

PurpleDaisies · 30/05/2019 15:38

He will be doing a foundation year because of lack of scientific degree.

chickhonhoneybabe · 30/05/2019 15:38

@PurpleDaisies this is the requirements midwifery

Ex left his job to retrain as a doctor - no maintenance
PurpleDaisies · 30/05/2019 15:38

He’s not studying midwifery.

chickhonhoneybabe · 30/05/2019 15:41

@purpledasies That doesn’t mean all courses have that requirement.

Yes I understand that now

sincethereis · 30/05/2019 15:41

He doesn’t want to be a midwife

chickhonhoneybabe · 30/05/2019 15:42

@PurpleDaisies I never said he was studying midwifery! You said that undergraduate courses don’t require you to have studied within the last 5 years, some do I was just pointing it out

chickhonhoneybabe · 30/05/2019 15:45

@sincethereis I didn’t say he was studying midwifery.

I thought it was a requirement for all undergraduate courses that students had studied within the last 5 years, it’s been pointed out I was incorrect

chickhonhoneybabe · 30/05/2019 15:49

Anyway Op, I agree your exDH is selfish and shirking his responsibilities

sincethereis · 30/05/2019 15:49

Ahh, my apologies

Spanglyprincess1 · 30/05/2019 15:53

Cms are rubbish for both the rp and nrp. My dp has been trying to sort out there bizarre calculations (he pays far over) and they won't accept he has the children as much as he does without a solicitors letter. He and ex have a personal arrnagmnet, why would he have this? Tbf to ex she's said its changed and him. But they are still not accepting it. Bloody useless.
Cms can accept non salaried income, eg you can dispute the zero payment or statutory and site why eg family inheritance of 500k or whatever.
Have you tired challenging the decision?
I know people who. Re rained late in life, so it is possible he is genuinely studying.

Rach182 · 30/05/2019 15:53

He's not the type to laugh, rather will pontificate about how we have only one life to live, and what's the sense of it if you are not following your dreams, and I'll cope perfectly as I am such a great resourceful mother and a professional. I heard exactly this speech several times, starting from when he left for OW who was his "dream" at that time.

You're a better person than I, OP. He'd be buried under the decking if it was my ex. In all seriousness though it sounds like you're doing a wonderful job and the selfish twat is taking advantage of this. It is so unfair that he can get away with it Sad

How often does he see your children? Is he planning on using his time studying to see them more?

TooStressyTooMessy · 30/05/2019 15:53

He’s a twat OP, as you know.

Just in case this makes you feel a tiny bit better... I wouldn’t suggest doing medicine to anyone at the moment. The NHS is in crisis; in particular doctor morale is desperately low. If he manages to complete the course he will have a couple of probably miserable years as a nearly 60 year old F1 and F2 with very little ‘helping people’. Then things get worse as you get more senior at the moment. Conditions are absolutely awful for doctors at present so he is going into a miserable job. It is probably not the ray of sunshine he is imagining.

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/05/2019 15:56

Can you not pontificate back about how he’s a resourceful man and father, who will find the money to pay you.. somehow?

Phineyj · 30/05/2019 15:57

YANBU. If the state was serious about child maintenance, they could easily make it a condition of various things that you mustn't be in arrears and optional degree courses could be one of them (the OP's ex couldn't argue it was to add to his earning power, as it is clearly going to massively reduce his earnings for some time and they may never recover). There's a rule about inheritance tax and intentional deprivation of capital, isn't there? Anyway, I have no useful advice other than to note that a friend whose course family member did the dirty to her financially felt better after turning the whole sordid episode into a murder mystery. It was a decent book, too!

Phineyj · 30/05/2019 15:58

'close' not course.