Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To help one grandchild if I couldn't afford to help all the same

405 replies

Jumpyy · 30/05/2019 08:05

One of my grandchildren is going through a horrible time with fertility issues. She's been told that IVF is probably her only option which she and her husband cannot really afford.

She is suffering badly because of this, I believe very depressed and just not in a good place.

I have some money and I would like to give it to them for the treatment.

I have 4 other grandchildren most of whom are younger and (although unlikely), I probably wouldn't be able to afford to do the same for them or give them a similar amount at the same age, if I do this now.

WWYD? I don't want to see her suffering if I can help.

OP posts:
fc301 · 30/05/2019 08:14

If you were to die it would be fair to divide your money out equally. However whilst you are still alive it is your money and you absolutely can spend it as you choose.

Heyha · 30/05/2019 08:17

I'd do it if you can afford it. Then I'd probably take it into account when doing your will- DP and I had some money 'early' to pay for a conservatory which we were very grateful for and it won't be an issue when his sister gets the equivalent when we eventually sadly lose his grandparents.

NataliaOsipova · 30/05/2019 08:21

Being fair isn’t always about being equal. If you want to help her with this now and can do so, then you should do so. As Heyha has said, you can always look to redress the balance in future if you choose to.

Sirzy · 30/05/2019 08:21

Well even with the cousins I didn’t get along with I couldn’t have got upset if one of my grandparents had helped out in those circumstances.

Sometimes “fair” isn’t equal.

contentedsoul · 30/05/2019 08:28

My advice for what it's worth would be to summon all your children together and talk to everyone at once. That way any issues can be solved instantly.
My parents decided to favour 2 out of 4 of their kids, the result is the family is now split, no one talks to each other and the hatred just intensifies as time goes on.
I haven't spoken to either my parents or my "favoured siblings" for over 6yrs. I wont go to any weddings or funerals as I never wish to see or speak with any of them ever again.

Get all your kids together and bring it out into the open.

itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted · 30/05/2019 08:30

I'm assuming she isn't entitled to IVF on the NHS because your grandchild or partner already has children?
It is a lovely gesture - NHS costs in the region of £10k per cycle though and costs can unwittingly spiral if they need extra tests and treatment

milkshak3 · 30/05/2019 08:31

your money, your call. None of your gtandchildren have any right to your money and as such, you are not depriving them.

I would help out but I would not let the other grandchildren know - it's none of their business and it might just create tension.

Candleglow7475 · 30/05/2019 08:33

This could very well breed resentment. How do You know that all your grandchildren don’t have any (financial) issues, they could well have issues and you aren’t aware of them?
My sister has been given money and I haven’t because she’s more vocal about these things and tends to involve family in discussions about money.

UCOinanOCG · 30/05/2019 08:35

My DP help out the grandchildren as and when. They helped the eldest GC with money for a deposit for a house and with a few things for her wedding. She knows mine don't really need as much financial support as we can help them whereas my DB isn't able to provide as much financial support for his DC. It's never been an issue between the cousins. They understand it is their GP's money to spend as they please. I would help out your GD if you are able to.

Feelingwalkedover · 30/05/2019 08:36

Our gps paid for driving lessons and bought an expensive car for one of our dc.
My dh is stressed as hell trying to work the overtime to do the same for the others.
They are all very close in age it’s causing a fair amount of aggro tbh

So personally I’d say split the money equally between them all.as you don’t know what issues the others will face

FizzBuzzBangWoof · 30/05/2019 08:39

It is up to you what you spend your money on and as others have said you can always redress the balance with your other grandchildren at another time or in your will

You do need to be clear though that there is no guarantee that treatment will be successful and you need to gift the money understanding that fact

megrichardson · 30/05/2019 08:42

Of course it is up to you what you do with your money OP but be warned that, as an earlier poster said, the other siblings may well feel resentment and it could create hostility between them. This happened in my family, too.

Antkiller · 30/05/2019 08:42

What you do with your money is no one elses business. If you want to give it all to a cats home or to your GC for IVF is entirely up to you and your family should respect the decision you make with YOUR money

SunshineSpring · 30/05/2019 08:43

If you can afford to give away, e.g. 10K now, I'd split it between all the grandkids now. 2K would still contribute to the IVF for the granddaughter who is struggling, but it wont be something that could breed resentment with the others. You dont necessarily know what choices they would love to make given a cash injection.

diddl · 30/05/2019 08:44

Would the others have to know?

Loan it to them?

Original poster
Jumpyy · 30/05/2019 08:45

You do need to be clear though that there is no guarantee that treatment will be successful and you need to gift the money understanding that fact

Yes absolutely, I know this. I'm happy to gift it so at least we can say we've tried everything.

I just don't know how to cope seeing her how she is knowing I do have the ability to help.

Just to be clear, she has not asked. This is coming completely from myself.

OP posts:
HennyPennyHorror · 30/05/2019 08:47

I don't think it's wrong. It's a huge thing...infertility. Can affect someone's life for many years. I think you can do as you choose.

Original poster
Jumpyy · 30/05/2019 08:47

I could loan it I suppose but then I'd just feel terrible accepting money back from them, especially if it failed. Imagine having to pay back so much money for a failed IVF attempt, being reminded all the time.

I just feel for her so much.

OP posts:
MRex · 30/05/2019 08:48

How many grandchildren are there? My parents did something for two of their grandchildren that they wouldn't be able to afford for the others. At the time it was desperately needed; they asked my sister and I explaining that they wouldn't be able to afford to do the same for us and we agreed that it was the right thing to do, so we're happy for them to have done it. I've no idea if it'll be evened up in their will, but I don't expect it to be; that's a good idea though and could be a good way of addressing the disparity if it's possible.

itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted · 30/05/2019 08:48

Would she not get a cycle on the NHS?

FFSFFSFFS · 30/05/2019 08:48

My view is that is an ethical thing to do however I think it is very important to communicate openly and honestly about it.

I would have a separate discussion with each grandchild - explain that you love them just as much. But this one in particular needs help at the moment - it might mean that you can't help them in the future although hopefully you can.

HeddaGarbled · 30/05/2019 08:49

You need to think about this very carefully. If she isn’t qualifying for NHS funded IVF, there will be a reason. Succcess rates for those who don’t qualify on age grounds are very low. You could just be throwing your money away. Do some research before you make a decision.

MarniLou · 30/05/2019 08:49

I'm all for open discussion and equality too. If you can't give each GC the same amount as the one GC then safer to offer an amount towards the fertility treatment.

So for instance, fertility treatment is £10,000, and you have say 4 GC's, you would need £40,000 to give equally. If you haven't this amount, pledge less to each, so £2,000 towards the fertility treatment would be £8,000 across all GC's.

I can see the temptation to support your GD with fertility treatment. It is very emotive and important to her. However, it may not be important to your other GC's, who equally have a cause emotive and important to them. Where do you draw the line? What if one GC asks for £10,000 to get married, or £10,000 to go travelling or for a house deposit - how do you decide which to support and which not. All maybe equally valuable to that young person.

Very tricky!

Foxmuffin · 30/05/2019 08:50

If my mum/grandmother did this I wouldn’t mind. It’s about helping those that need it if you can. The others don’t need your help and that’s ok.

Itwouldtakemuchmorethanthis · 30/05/2019 08:50

Well the rest of them probably get to have babies without injecting themselves daily, several “procedures” and everyone involved, so I’d say they already don’t have as much as the others. The difficulty would be if other GC need similar medical £££££s.

My ivf was considerably cheaper (less than £5k) and as such I’d say less than the cost of raising a child for a few years. I think offer to pay for it but ask them to pay it back over the next 5 years. Then if it’s needed it’s there for someone else.

The “equal” think is ridiculous and only very small children think everyone should get the same.

Swipe left for the next trending thread