To help one grandchild if I couldn't afford to help all the same

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One of my grandchildren is going through a horrible time with fertility issues. She's been told that IVF is probably her only option which she and her husband cannot really afford.

She is suffering badly because of this, I believe very depressed and just not in a good place.

I have some money and I would like to give it to them for the treatment.

I have 4 other grandchildren most of whom are younger and (although unlikely), I probably wouldn't be able to afford to do the same for them or give them a similar amount at the same age, if I do this now.

WWYD? I don't want to see her suffering if I can help.

You would be doing something so lovely. Imagine if a child came from that. It would be the best money spent.
And if someone compares a holiday or a house to that then they don't deserve the money.

Can you give the money on the basis that it's a loan that they would pay back when they have the means to? Obviously they may never have the means to, in which case you'd write it off, but this may prevent any jealousy with other GCs?

Personally, I wouldn’t feel comfortable favouring one over the others, all relationships ships being equal, but I’m not in your position. Do what your gut tells you.

Your money is your business. I would be wary of the potential of spiralling costs, and would probably want to know the specific projected success rate for your granddaughters specific medical circumstances if I were in your position. If it was a case of spending £10k+ on a very low potential for a successful pregnancy for the sake of "trying anything" then I wouldn't. If it were like another poster said where ICSI and IVF success rates are around the 40% mark, then cost depending I'd want to help.

Perceived unfairness from other grandchildren wouldn't factor into it for me.

I may in the future need ivf. My sister nearly had ivf years ago. My dm offered to pay for ivf. My mum is sadly dead and my dad isn't very thoughtful but my sister reminded him that the plan was for him and dm to pay for her ivf. So then my dad rang me and offered to pay for ivf should I need it. He can afford it btw. My other sister knows and thinks it's great. Just giving my example as it shows that siblings can be supportive. No mention of things not being fair. I appreciate some of your grandchildren are teenagers so may not be as understanding. Maybe just ask granddaughter to make up a way she got the money or tell everyone straight that you can't give everyone money, but hope they understand this is an important one off.

Also, look into ABC fertility - it's a much cheaper ivf clinic with good results. My friend is using them and has been very impressed.

Infertility is absolutely devastating. It’s also expensive. DH and I have probably written off upwards of £40k on fertility treatment.

These are very different circumstances from giving one DGC a deposit for a house, for instance. You can’t put a price on the longing for a family if you’re unable to have one. And if I’d been the sibling of someone in that position I’d support them to the hilt in finding any source possible to fund their expensive, invasive, emotionally painful rollercoaster of a treatment that nobody in their right senses would choose for themselves if they had the option.

As for resenting the financing of that treatment by a relative, this wouldn’t even occur to me. YANBU to want to help them.

I think this would be an easier decision of the other grandchildren knew they had no fertility issues, it's more common than you might think, what happens in five or ten years time when another grandchild can't have a baby and you can't afford IVF for them? Two of my closest friends are unable to have children at all, one early menopause at 33 the other PCOS but other unknown fertility issues not overcome with teen years of treatment and trying. I also have PCOS and was told I would need IVF as it transpired we were incredibly lucky and I fell pregnant without.

Could you help towards it, or gift some and loan some? Do you know if IVF will even make a difference for my first friend, even with IVF she couldn't have a baby. The second friend, many attempts didn't work and nearly destroyed her and their marriage.

It sounds like you have a wonderful relationship with your family, and I think it's a wonderful and generous offer to make.
I remember many years ago, my grandparents helped my brother out when he was massively in debt. There are four of us and we knew about the money he received, but there was no jealously or bitterness because we didn't receive the same. you know your family better than anyone on here; if you know it wouldn't cause a rift, then I would say absolutely go for it.
I don't know where in the country you are, but there are options for treatment that aren't as expensive as others. The first quote we had was almost £14k for one round. But instead we went to Cambridge IVF (which is NHS led so the money goes back into the NHS which we liked) and they did a multi-cycle package which is three cycles for just under £9k. They also do a Pure cycle (which unfortunately we didn't qualify for) which is £2.5k a cycle. Definitely worth shopping around anyway.
Whatever you decide, I wish you and your granddaughter the best of luck x

What a wonderful thing to do! If you can afford to help I think that would be such a kind gesture. I can't imagine other grandchildren being annoyed about not receiving the same. It's not like you are buying her a new car.
You are alive, no one should be expecting money when you die. Spend it doing things you enjoy.

OP, this would be a wonderful gift to your granddaughter. As others have said, being 'fair' is not the same as being equal. In your position I wouldn't hesitate to help in this way if I had the means and opportunity to, although I do understand your quandary. I hope you find peace in whatever you decide.

@WhatAShewOff - why is IVF unethical?

I'd not begrudge my cousins or sister if a family member helped them out financially for this reason. I'd try and kick in some funds myself.

My grandma helped my sister pay for an extra year of study, and it wasn't an issue between us.

deeply unethical

I really hate this sort of thing. And the argument about children not being a 'right' or how IVF shouldn't be funded on the NHS.

My granddaughter is a wonderful, caring, kind and considerate woman who has been broken by something devasting completely outside of her control and that she does not deserve. She has a right to be happy and if that involves getting medical help to achieve it then I'll be damned if I let anyone tell her how 'unethical' or wrong that is.

Honestly, I'd be amazed if these people could genuinely look someone like my GD in the eye and tell them they don't deserve help or how unethical they believe it to be, when she's suffering so greatly, not wanting to live anymore and feeling like she's failing somehow. I don't think people appreciate the seriousness of infertility for a lot of sufferers.

My parents have always been pretty stringent about not 'doing for one if you can't do for all' - consequently all four of us have had only Christmas and birthday presents all our lives (no cars, cash gifts, financial support etc). We've all understood this, and despite my parents being pretty well-off, it was an established understanding.

One of my brothers became an alcoholic a few years ago and suffered for years - eventually my DPs managed to get him to agree to treatment and footed the bill (about £25k). We all understood the need and we're glad for him, especially as he's in a caring profession and will never earn much.

I've recently found out though that my other brother leveraged this to get my parents to agree to footing the bill for an extension to their house (eldest DS 'needed' his own room) and I couldn't be more disgusted. He used guilt over treating us differently to force them into a corner.

I've never said a word because their finances aren't my business, but I think if you 'do' for one in desperate need, you need to be clear and open with the others, to avoid repeated requests from less ethical GCs! It really is a kind gesture

What happens if you give her enough to do a cycle. The egg collection goes well and the implant 2 embryos and freeze 4 or 6 more. The implantation fails but there are still viable eggs in the freezer.
Your money is gone and funds depleted. What happens then to your gds mental state knowing that these protential babies are available but no funds to try implantation.

Not sure of the proper rules and regulations, but I have a feeling that any large cash gift will be subject to inheritance tax if given less than 7 years before death. And if you were to need to pay for care for yourself in the future, OP, this could be viewed as an attempt to hide assets and be reclaimed from your GD. I'm sure you wouldn't want your GD to be faced with a big bill at some time in the future.
Please check this out before you decide to pay for the IVF - I've probably remembered some of this wrongly.
Also - if you paid for some IVF and it was not successful, would you be able to pay for more? Would you feel such a moral obligation and sympathetic urge to keep paying until you have nothing left?

@Dontsweatthelittlestuff - frozen transfers will often cost about £2k a pop including drugs. The GD could save up for this.

You are paying to make her equal to the others who have no trouble conceiving.

The problem here is that the OP doesn't know what will happen with the other grandchildren. They may also need IVF, or help with their health, but she might not be able to help them then.

I think it's perfectly understandable why you want to to this. I probably would want too, but ultimately, I don't think I would unless the money was a smaller part of my savings, even if I had to help out all the grandchildren.

Other pps are also right that you may well need it for your own health needs in a not too distant future.

Keep talking to her. Certainly discuss all the options. If she has been told that IVF is probably her only option, it seems that she hasn't tried other options or even long enough.

You could reassure her that if it turns out that IVF really is needed, and if she can't afford it by then, that you may be able to help (loan, full amount, part of the cost, whatever).
Having a light at the end of the tunnel may help her cope with this, as feeling that she has no options may make her feel worse.

My father did this for my sister. My brothers and myself didn't begrudge it at all. We're were delighted he offered (hes such a tight wad). Unfortunately it didn't take..

I always find it weird when people start arseing on about reproducing not being a right, and how we should be treating people with fertility problems. . Part of them doesn’t work. It’s not a little part it’s a BIG BIG part. It impacts every part of their life. Is it that you feel it shouldn’t be funded because it won’t kill you? How do you feel about the. Treatment of other other non life threatening injuries and illnesses? You can after all survive without many treatments that we provide on the nhs.

I’m probably a bit bias as my ovaries don’t work without some pretty heavy intervention, and I have more than one IVF baby. I was born this way. To reproduce I have to do more than the average woman. Personally I think my route to reproduction is just as valid and my desire to reproduce totally acceptable.

OP it’s simply the best present you could ever give someone.

Teddy how do you know they are in a position to save? If it was just a matter of saving surely they could save up for the whole treatment or take out a loan.

I don't think people appreciate the seriousness of infertility for a lot of sufferers.

I faced the prospect of infertility. In fact, at some point I had almost convinced myself that I wouldn't have children. Even bought a one bed apartment at that point.

Anyway, and although I recognise that the drive to reproduce is huge, and certainly very important to some people, I also believe that happiness is being able to accept what life brings. People don't have the "right to be happy" but more the "capacity to be happy". Anything can happen that makes people unhappy, while others manage to continue to have happiness in their lives.
She may end up not being able to have children. What then? The process of IVF, and fertility treatment in general, can be grueling and can split partners.
That is why I think it's more important to address how she is dealing with this than fulfilling this one need. As important as she considers it to be.

I’m stunned at some of the responses on here. It’s nobody else’s business what you spend your money on. Children and grandchildren are not entitled to anything from you. If you leave them anything, we’ll that's great but nothing should ever be expected.
You should absolutely do this if you can. You are potentially given them the chance to become parents; that’s an enormous gift that can’t be priced and ‘equated’ to other gifts. If you want to help a family member and can only help one then the one whose physical or mental health is in danger is surely the one you help?

I never understand the concept of it breeding resentment. If I had a sibling struggling financially and I was doing ok then I’d think it bizarre if my parents felt they couldn’t help the struggling one because they couldn’t give the same to me. You help the one that needs help. If you wanted to spend 10k on a world cruise that would be your choice entirely so funding a course of IVF is no different. This gift could potentially change their lives forever. How joyous to have the power to help them in that way!

@Dontsweatthelittlestuff - there’s a huge difference between saving 2K and saving 13k. If the grandparent can help with the 13k they should be able to manage with the drug costs and the frozen embryo transfer cycle costs — if they can’t then clearly they have to wait longer to be able to afford IVF.

I wouldn't do it. There's a very high chance it won't work and you've lost a big chunk of your money.

I also agree that your other grandchildren may need the same help later on and you won't be able to give them the same money, which isn't fair on them,

Lots of people can't have children. It's so tough, but throwing money at it often doesn't work I'm afraid.