To help one grandchild if I couldn't afford to help all the same

[Jumpyy]

One of my grandchildren is going through a horrible time with fertility issues. She's been told that IVF is probably her only option which she and her husband cannot really afford.

She is suffering badly because of this, I believe very depressed and just not in a good place.

I have some money and I would like to give it to them for the treatment.

I have 4 other grandchildren most of whom are younger and (although unlikely), I probably wouldn't be able to afford to do the same for them or give them a similar amount at the same age, if I do this now.

WWYD? I don't want to see her suffering if I can help.

Do it, even it up in your will.
You help where you can if you want to.

Frankly, if anyone of your other grandchildren objected to you using your money this way, they don't deserve an inheritance from you!

It sounds like a lovely gesture and if you're absolutely sure you can afford it, I think you should go for it. Just be prepared for the possibility that she doesn't want to have IVF - it's about more than just the money. She may not feel able to go through the process.

I don't expect an inheritance from anyone and I wouldn't be upset if any money went to my family members in greater financial need. Being a grown up is about understanding putting everyone on a level playing field does not involve treating everyone the same.

And what if in the future another GC also needs fertility treatment? Are the others beyond the 'starting a family' stage of life?

Depends - are you in UK? Why can't they have IVF on NHS? I know there's a horrible postcode lottery, which is why I'm asking - but, there are also limits because IVF does not work very well for some people.

Sadly, some private clinics do not really mention this and sell hope where (in my opinion) they should not.

I've seen good friends really suffer through the process which was stastitcally very unlikely to work for them anyway. My friend was 40, said she had a 1% chance of a live birth, which is why NHS wouldn't fund it.

She had a brutal experience. I'd be very careful of encouraging anyone to do it with out independent advice - they were, I think, ripped off by a clinic selling hope where they had no business to.

I think this is totally different to driving lessons or house deposits. Who could resent someone having help with something medical even if it’s not an illness? I would want to do this like a shot, what’s the point in having money if you can’t help the people you love? Fair is not always equal.

Give it but don't tell anyone else. It's nothing to do with them. What you choose to spend your money on is your decision. It should not be dictated by people laying claim to it or expectations that it is their inheritance. It's yours do what you see fit with. just because you give 1 person something, doesn't mean everyone else is entitled to the same amount, or any for that matter.

If I gave this money and others found out about it and kicked off about it, I'd disinherit them for their grabbyness.

It is a difficult one, what if some of the younger grandchildren struggled to conceive? I have a friend who is one of 6 and 3 of them have unexplained infertility. It could breed even worse resentment and pain if another child finds themselves in the same position and gets no help. They could feel second best to their families as well as the pain of infertility.

Not everyone talks about their issues, for conceiving or otherwise, so it is often a case of the squeaky wheel getting the oil rather than it being fair.

I think an open and frank discussion is the only way to proceed including making it clear that if you do this it won't be available for others. Anything else has a good chance to breed resentment at some point.

Who has told you this? The grandchild? Or her parent? As others have said, initially there is no charge. And why can't the parent help?

I ask because dsis drip fed about her dc's financial woes to dm, who bailed out dn. The thing is dsis could have easily helped her dc, but saw dm as a better option.

That being said, I would happily help a child/grandchild with IVF if I could, but you have to be aware that one round is often not adequate and you may feel obliged to keep on helping.

You could give her a smaller sum for a holiday if she is struggling. She could put this towards ivf if that would make her happier. That would be a lovely show of support and show that you care.
You could do this for all your grandchildren then, if the need arises.

If you fund ivf now, you may not be able to do something similar for another grandchild in the future and will have to see them suffer knowing that you no longer have the means to help.

You cannot save everyone from their struggles and as posters have said, there is no guarantee that ivf will be successful.

That’s very kind of you. It’s your money to do as you please and no-one else’s business.

I think making it a loan with easy repayments would be a good idea as that way the money can be used to help other family members in future. You should explain you would like it to be a gift but you can't afford to do that in a way that is fair to all the dgc.

What if one GC asks for £10,000 to get married, or £10,000 to go travelling or for a house deposit - how do you decide which to support and which not. All maybe equally valuable to that young person

Honestly? I don't think a wedding or going travelling come under the same bracket at all. Well not to me anyway.

There are 5. Two are older, one of which is the one we're discussing and the other, my son's daughter has children already. The other three are high school aged.

They are aware of the situation and are sympathetic, as sympathetic as teenagers can be. I don't believe they would begrudge it, they are close to this granddaughter and are caring thoughtful people, all of them.

They don't qualify for NHS funding because her husband has a child. It's not to do with age.

My Nan paid for one cycle of ivf for us.

It was a gift. She wanted to help. No one else knew

If the other grandchildren are nasty that you are paying for IVF then their parents need a talking to! I cannot imagine being angry at my grandma for helping my cousin/sibling conceive!

It's a tricky one. Take out the emotion of IVF and you wouldn't have handed over £10k. 10k to the others could be getting them out of debt, or the last bit towards a mortgage, or staying off work with their young children a bit longer, or a holiday when they've not had one for years, a new boiler of their heating is stuffed, university fees etc etc. I understand you desperately want to help them and I can understand why. It would be very kind. Also what if you need that money later on? For your own care or an emergency situation. I guess IVF is so tricky as not a guaranteed outcome of a baby. Maybe you could split the money and then they could have a little holiday to escape from it all and try and relax a bit, or pay for some counselling.

Ultimately it's your money and you can do what you like with it. But you may very well need it yourself. And if you weren't planning on handing cash over anyway before you knew about the IVF, I wouldn't do it now.

But if you want to, then definitely sit your children round all together and discuss it openly.

I know because I'm very close to this granddaughter (and all of them), we have open conversations.

She's changed a lot, is so desperately low about this. Lost weight etc..

Her parents are not in the same position to help as I am. They have helped pay for counselling but they aren't able to provide a lump sum.

I do have funds that I could still give the others if they needed it in later life, just not as much as this each.

They don't qualify for NHS funding because her husband has a child

Has she had a diagnosis, though? And testing to show whether IVF would work privately? Because, that's really, really important, and very hard to be objective over such an emotive subject.

I know I'm cynical, but, why not ask on her for people's experiences of IVF which was unlikely to work, and didn't - it's not much of a gift.

(obviously, I understand that it working is a wonderful thing - but, there must be a statistic of your GGD's probability of success)

It's entirely up to you what you do. Presumably you will give your estate to your children in your will rather than your grandchildren anyway?

As for having to have family meetings and breeding resentment - for goodness sake. Nobody has a right to an inheritance and certainly not from GPs if their parents are still alive.

By the way, you sound like an amazing, loving, kind and thoughtful Grandma.

Do you have enough money for your own needs in retirement? E.g. is this cash supposed to cover things like washing machine breaking down and other emergencies? Your granddaughter may have other options (NHS, credit) or may be able to save for it, but if you only have a small amount if savings (guessing under 40k from what you've said) then you need to think about your own future needs and how you will cover them. If you feel you can comfortably afford it then one option could be to offer to pay half of a cycle if your GD can raise the other half. This shows commitment on her behalf and she also needs to realise that it's a stretch for you financially. Then you may be in a better position to do something similar for another grandchild.

@Jumpyy ..if it were me I would pay for the treatment because it is a health issue and your granddaughter is suffering. I couldn’t imagine the other 4 grandchildren believing it to be unfair in the circumstances.

Well the rest of them probably get to have babies without injecting themselves daily, several “procedures” and everyone involved, so I’d say they already don’t have as much as the others. The difficulty would be if other GC need similar medical £££££s.

I was about to say the same (only not as well). As you well know, it might not be successful and so the money could end up 'wasted', but if you don't try, you'll never know.

It's not exactly the same thing, but if you had a GC who needed to start using a wheelchair full-time and you paid a lot of money to convert the garage into a downstairs bedroom, for a ramp to the door, to lower light switches and widen doors etc - would your other GC be resentful at not having the same amount spent on them as well or just count their blessings that they had good health and didn't need all of those adaptations in the first place.

Assuming that none of the other GC have fertility problems - and it would probably be as well to talk to them all and sensitively sound them out, to make sure that they don't have any other serious health/money concerns as well - it would be very mean of them to object.

It's not like it's to buy an amazing luxury that they all would like, but one shouts the loudest - it's just to bring them back up to the same level playing field to have a fair chance. Considering that the others, if free of fertility problems, would neither need nor even want IVF.

TBH I'm not sure in your position that I would fund one GC's IVF. The chances of one cycle working are not that high and if it doesn't work your GD is still in the same position but the money is gone, possibly creating resentment with younger GCs. If you treat all GCs equally then you can be certain you are being fair.

As a grandchild, I wouldn’t mind at all if my grandma did this for my siblings, or cousins. Even if it meant that she could only afford to give me £1!

Firness isn't about being equal - it's about meeting need.

Give her the money.