To help one grandchild if I couldn't afford to help all the same

[Jumpyy]

One of my grandchildren is going through a horrible time with fertility issues. She's been told that IVF is probably her only option which she and her husband cannot really afford.

She is suffering badly because of this, I believe very depressed and just not in a good place.

I have some money and I would like to give it to them for the treatment.

I have 4 other grandchildren most of whom are younger and (although unlikely), I probably wouldn't be able to afford to do the same for them or give them a similar amount at the same age, if I do this now.

WWYD? I don't want to see her suffering if I can help.

Lweji, I don't even disagree with you necessarily.

I do believe that you can have a perfectly fulfilling life without children and that the GDs mental health needs to be a priority so that hopefully she can see that one day.

I just feel like posters can be very blasé and dismissive sometimes of the grief and depression infertility can actually cause. It isn't dramatic, it can feel like the biggest thing when you're in it and it may well be the biggest thing that person ever goes through. Simply saying 'there are worse things that could happen' wouldn't have cut it for me when I was in the GDs shoes. It took a lot of work to pull me out and as I've said previously, I still look back and think, to me it's the worst thing I've gone through in my life.

And I do still think its a hard pill to swallow when coming from someone who has the one thing that's causing you so much distress.

The fact that there are worse things in the world is totally irrelevant. There are worse things in the world than your child dying - you could lose your child AND your partner! So what? Your child dying is still shit. Being unable to conceive a desperately wanted child is still shit. Bad things happening to other people doesn't make going through something awful any easier. And nor should it. What sort of person goes, "Oh, someone on the news lost their three children in a house fire, well, that cheered me up. I'm not sad about little Jimmy dying of leukaemia any more. Hurrah!"?

OP, I think wanting to help your granddaughter is a lovely thing to do. Only you know your grandchildren and how they'll feel about it, or how likely your children are to be able to help them if they need assistance in the future.

In your shoes, I'd bear in mind that it doesn't have to be all or nothing. You could offer to give them some money towards the total on the understanding that they find the rest themselves. If nothing else, you could give her her share of the money she'd expect to inherit from you early.

It sounds like your granddaughter is dealing with a lot of insensitive comments. Even just knowing that her gran is willing to help her find the money will mean a lot to her, I'm sure.

@TheWaiting Couldn't agree more with your post.

I have 2 sisters who needed IVF to conceive. My neice and nephew bring me such joy, I wouldn't care one bit about inheriting less. It was such a blessing to have them.
Babies benefit their extended family too and in any case it is hardly fair to be infertile, so you are evening out the balance in my view.

@Lweji as a parent (which I am after IVF) there is obviously no comparison between never conceiving and losing a living child but it is easy for people who have children to say 'there are worse things that could happen, like losing a child.' How is a person desperately trying to conceive meant to react to that? They can't know what it would be like to think about losing a child until they have one. It's a pretty unfair comparison to make.

Can you give them some money towards it rather than the full sum? An amount that you would also be willing/able to give to your other grandchildren at some point too?

I personally think it would be grossly unfair and likely to make the others think she's your favourite.

@Ginger1982

I never actually suggested saying there are worst things in life, but that they need to get some perspective.

My comment was a direct reply to the statement that there weren't.

I'd still argue that if someone feels that there's nothing worse than not having children, their main issue is not of fertility. Because it may indeed never happen. And then what?

My advice would be not to throw money at it just yet.
Tell GD that you are willing to help once she feels the time is right to do IVF. Both her and her DH need a lot of counselling and soul searching before rushing into IVF. If they don’t and it fails then do you know how they will cope? Unless they are beyond 35 and time Is not on their side they need to get their heads mentally secure first.
Maybe just knowing you’ll be there to help will allow them to take a step back for a few months or a year,
We had DS after 2 miscarriages and then unexplained infertility when trying for a second child. We decided to adopt as I was 40. It wasn’t an easy choice to make but having already had a natural child and my age being against us we didn’t want to even ask about IVF as the odds were horrifically low. Neither adoption nor IVF was something we rushed into, we did our research and we soul searched for a long time.

My parents funded some of mine and my husband's (failed) IVF rounds. They talked to my brother and sister beforehand and they both said that they would prefer to have a chance if a niece or nephew and for us to be happy than money.

Infertility broke us mentally, physically and emotionally. In the end it cost my husband his life.

I'm so sorry, @Leighhalfpennysthigh. That was very brave of you to share.

I'm sorry but it's not nonsense to suggest that OP is making a value judgement when she expresses her desire to help one of her grandchildren with IVF. OP (like many other posters on this thread) views infertility as an important and worthwhile thing to help her grandchild with.

@bumpitybumper. Yeah, it really is bollocks. Making a “value judgement”, what a load of old cobblers. If others see it like that, that’s their problem. OP can help a GC without having to split up her money across several, it is none of anyone else’s business who she helps and for what reason. This culture where everyone gets a medal is frankly ridiculous.

Your example is in some ways totally irrelevant as it sounds like your parents provided financial support to your siblings because they needed it, not for a specific purpose or aim.
The specific purpose or aim was to keep them alive. One left school and titted about at college for two years, failed then joined the military. Was supported through that. The other took an art course, even though they had no plan to do it as a job, spent a few years temping, then went into the family business (which they will inherit completely) I went to uni, got a vocational degree, got a job and had less financial support. Were they making a value judgement that fucking around at college was preferable? Of course not. That’s why it’s relevant.

I admire the fact that you don't resent your siblings, however I wonder if you would feel the same if you hadn't been able to secure such a well paying job and you had a greater need for the money yourself?
Why would I resent my siblings? It wasn’t their doing. They didn’t ask.
Why would I be pissed off with my parents? They didn’t foresee the recession, any more than anyone else could have. It’s called life, it happens. If I’d been struggling, i’d have moved back home til I got on my feet. As it was, I didn’t go to my first choice uni, I stayed at home, because they couldn’t afford rent. Still got my degree, still had fun at uni. Plenty of people don’t have parents who can help them out. It’s a real selfish twunt who whines about what others get and they didn’t.

It's OK to make value judgements actually, and to model them to younger members of your family such as grandchildren. Examples of how it works in this case are:

• Helping unhappy members of our family is more important than helping happy ones
• Children are more important than houses / hobby businesses / big weddings
• Fair means giving according to your needs and wishes, not being exactly equal
• Sometimes we choose to try to fix a problem now rather than keeping that money saved for another future rainy day.

@Yabbers
Yeah, it really is bollocks. Making a “value judgement”, what a load of old cobblers. If others see it like that, that’s their problem. OP can help a GC without having to split up her money across several, it is none of anyone else’s business who she helps and for what reason. This culture where everyone gets a medal is frankly ridiculous
I don't know why you are getting so wound up about the idea that OP would make a value judgment by giving money to one grandchild for a specific cause that she views as worthwhile. It is factually true, no matter how many times you say it's "bollocks".

Your family situation isn't the same as OP's situation because your parents didn't make such an obvious value judgement. OP's grandchild doesn't need the money to stay alive so OP does have more of a choice about whether she provides financial assistance or not.

It’s a real selfish twunt who whines about what others get and they didn’t
No, I don't think it's unreasonable for siblings to expect some level of parity when it comes to how financials (and other) family resources are split. Do you think Cinderella had no cause to complain about the ugly sisters?

Jesus dealt with this.
This is the parable of the workers in the vineyard.

It ill-behoves siblings to resent this preference to their co-sibling. They should count their own blessings.

I think you mean the prodigal son, although none of them really applies here.

I don't know if OP is still here, but going back to her early posts, it is clear that this gc is the eldest, and seemingly the favourite. It often is that the first grandchild gets the lion's share of a gp's love and attention.

Also the OP mentions that she feels that fertility treatment is a lot more important than cars/weddings/house deposits.

Given her feelings on the matter it appears she has already made up her mind.

As the OP's purse does not appear to be bottomless, however, a donation of a few thousand would seem to be in order. That leaves some left for nice presents to the others, but does not make a statement of being willing to throw anything at making a perceived favourite happy.

Oh my goodness. My sister & brother-in-law had private IVF after their one NHS chance failed. If my Grandparents (if they were alive) or anyone in our family had offered to give them the money for a chance at having children I would have been so proud and pleased that they were getting another chance. No jealousy, no upset that they got that amount of money and we got nothing, just hope that they'd conceive and all wouls go smoothly.

I'm still here. Quietly musing people's thoughts and opinions, but I had to rectify your incorrect assumption that she is the eldest.

She is not the oldest. I have another GD older than her who already has children as mentioned previously.

It's not about being the favourite. I would consider doing this for any one of them. I love them all equally and don't appreciate the suggestion that I do not.

Hi Jumpyy
If you would like to speak to some people in your granddaughter's situation, there in an infertility board here on Mumsnet. You might be able to get useful ideas on things to support her including counselling, good drs, stories from people with a similar diagnosis, clinic recommendations etc.

I think your instinct to help her is so kind. Hope you find a way forward that works for you.

A

My parents and in laws helped us out with the cost of ivf. It gave us our son. It's not like buying a car. I think if you can afford to help them please do so. We didn't get funding as in my area I was too old at 35. In other areas I wouldn't have been old enough. It's a lottery

@IrmaFayLear what an unnecessary thing to say, especially as you hadn't read the OP's posts properly 🙄

I would help her in a heartbeat if you can afford it, however, I would not give her an influx of money that I couldn’t share across the other grandchildren.

You mention they are all different ages, what would it do to the relationship of the family if you help granddaughter a have a child and then granddaughter c is in the same position a decade later. Give her some towards it but don’t use all your finances on it, you don’t know what tomorrow brings.

I say this as someone who struggled with fertility problems for years and know how truly heartbreaking and debilitating it can be.

Honestly, I'm not too sure if I would fund it.

Your GD is in a bad place, by your own words. The way society is today it is still expected that people will grow up, marry and have children of their own from their own bodies. That pressure, coupled with the want for children, can lead to some serious emotional distress if infertility is involved.
Being pregnant isn't a need it is a want that is made to almost feel like a need because of the importance placed on many years of child-bearing being a woman's purpose. Had we developed as a society that always viewed those who are child-free and those with children as the same then I, personally, don't feel as if the emotional impact would be as great as it is. There are plenty of ways to be happy and live a fulfilled life without children, but we as a society still don't see that - just look at the child-free by choice women who get grilled over the why, the questions to married couples about when they will have children and so on. Society places so much pressure on us to be parents, to have children, that it makes the inability to do that feel even worse.

There is no telling what the outcome of IVF will be but if your GD hasn't been able to see a future where she can be happy and fulfilled without children then, in my opinion, it wouldn't be the best gift. People say we cannot live by what ifs and should gift the money, but that is on the what if it works basis. What if it doesn't. What happens to your GD then? If she is so low then there needs to be time invested in other health services before she thinks about this path.

If she needed life altering surgery you wouldn't even question it. Having a child is also life changing. I can't imagine how empty and lonely my life would be without my children and I wouldn't care if my GP's gave my cousins 100K if it helped them have the same. Take a little out of your will to compensate if you want to be fair and don't tell the others except in your will. Your money your business. Please help your GD become a mother and you get something out of it too...a great GC :D