To help one grandchild if I couldn't afford to help all the same

[Jumpyy]

One of my grandchildren is going through a horrible time with fertility issues. She's been told that IVF is probably her only option which she and her husband cannot really afford.

She is suffering badly because of this, I believe very depressed and just not in a good place.

I have some money and I would like to give it to them for the treatment.

I have 4 other grandchildren most of whom are younger and (although unlikely), I probably wouldn't be able to afford to do the same for them or give them a similar amount at the same age, if I do this now.

WWYD? I don't want to see her suffering if I can help.

My friend's father helped her buy a house after divorce . He adjusted his Will to take account of the money she had already had. What you spend your money on is your business and nobody else's .

@blue25 - if / when you or one of your grandkids get Cancer, would you say the same thing about private treatment? Probably not right?

We have experience of inequality from PIL so I will say what happened to us.

Dh went to university, early 90s, paid for by his parents in terms of catered halls so no accommodation or food costs, plus they paid him an allowance for socialising/train journeys. His books were paid for by his Grandad. He came out with no debt.

His sister left school after GCSEs and started working. Dh had worked since he was 15, Saturday jobs, summer jobs.

Dh started graduate job, well paid we have never had financial worries in over 20 years. We are lucky but also careful with money.

SIL is not careful with money, she is irresponsible. When she got divorced she couldn't afford to buy her ex out of their 2 up 2 down terrace but she also couldn't move anywhere else as she was still on the bottom rung of the housing ladder. The alternative was sell, split the proceeds and she move back home to her parents. My FIL stated that if she moved back she would never save enough to move out again (rising market) and her terrible attitude to money.

So they gifted her £30k to buy out her ex.

We do not begrudge her this money in the slightest. There is no where is our £30k? She needed it, we can see why they did it, they could afford it so they gave it to her. Not a loan, a gift. And also none of our business.

If you can help your GD with IVF then do it. What you spend your money on is your business, no-one has any right to demand what you spend it on. I say this as someone with infertility and I was just lucky enough to get pregnant naturally but I was told I would need IVF.

She may end up not being able to have children. What then? The process of IVF, and fertility treatment in general, can be grueling and can split partners

Where as we went on two have to beautiful girls through IVF.

Quite patronising that post Lewji obviously you went on to have children I take it...

OP I see by your posts and your tone that you are going to do this.

My heart is so heavy, as (as in my earlier post) I know all our extended family wish we could go back to the point you are now and not do it. We have two sisters torn apart that one conceived and the other couldn’t, we have the parents who love their daughters with all their hearts but struggle to support one grieving infertility and feeling second best, whilst the other wants desperately to enjoy her child, and have them enjoyed by the family, and we have the grandmother who frets every day that she caused this and that she has divided a loving and tight knit family. We fear it is impacting her health and her longevity of life.

I really pray this doesn’t happen to you. You say you feel so much for your granddaughter, as she is so low and you can help - but what happens if another grandchild needs exactly the same help and you can’t provide it? How do you look them in the eye? How do you support them in their infertility grief? Will they even let you?

I wouldn’t wish this on anyone.

Echoing others that you don't know what could happen. I'm the youngest GC and my older cousins were helped in ways I wasn't, and it does hurt. I'm not talking about holidays/cars, two of the six GC were given deposits for a flat despite earning very good salaries. I've got an incurable illness and am unable to work, so the financial support would have been so helpful.
It wasn't obvious I'd have such bad health issues as a teenager, when my cousins were in their 20s.

Alternative is to give it, but leave less in your will to them to compensate.

I've not decided anything and I am considering everything that's being said. I won't lie, I know what I want to do but I haven't decided yet.

I'm appalled at all the people that say you shouldn't do it unless you can treat the others the same. I've seen similar gestures twice before and there was no jealousy by the non-receivers.

One was my aunt who ran away with nothing but her two DDs when she caught her husband trying to rape her oldest daughter. My grandad gave her money to start over, buy beds and curtains. He couldn't give hus other children the same and everyone was fine with it.

More recently a family where the parents gave their son a lot of money and their daughter nothing. The son had to work less to care for his dying child, but that meant not being able to pay the mortgage anymore. To prevent him giving up the house and moving in such a difficult tims they gave the son the money. Their daughter encouraged it fully.

Ivf is not the same as a boiler or a vacation. Infertility is devastating, and causes deep depression in many people. It's fine to treat children differently if it's because of life changing events. The success rate of ivf is over 30%, that isn't "really low". Most egg collections end up with extra embryo's to freeze, so there are multiple chances for one ivf cycle.

I'm probably going to be different to most posters here, but I wouldn't.
My grandmother (gd deceased), regularly gifts money to my two cousins as apparently they need it (it's actually because they live close to her whereas I live at the other end of the country), and nothing to me.
I don't want or need any money from her at all (DH and I both work in finance so budget for everything we need rather than relying on others), but the inequity has caused upset between my mum and her sister and my grandmother. My mum has suggested that grandmother doesn't gift any money to anyone, that way there is no inequality, but my grandmother refuses to listen.
Unless all the cousins are treated equally I honestly wouldn't as someone will always end up being seen as grabby or the bad guy for pointing out the (natural) unfairness.

*@FollowYourOwnNorthStar

My heart is so heavy, as (as in my earlier post) I know all our extended family wish we could go back to the point you are now and not do it.*

I wonder if "all the extended family" have considered saving for the needed ivf together.

Jumpyy,

You could always discuss it with everyone to see if they are onboard with helping your granddaughter.

Is she doing anything to self fund it? Or is she waiting for you to offer? That for me would make a huge difference in my decision to loan money.

I wouldn't gift it simply to remain fair. It can't be compared to a life threatening condition as it isn't. It's a want not a need to have a child.

*What if one GC asks for £10,000 to get married, or £10,000 to go travelling or for a house deposit - how do you decide which to support and which not. All maybe equally valuable to that young person

Honestly? I don't think a wedding or going travelling come under the same bracket at all. Well not to me anyway. *

You replied back to me with this, ' not to me anyway' is exactly what I mean. What is important to you may not be to all of your GC's. Whilst they might see IVF as very different to their own wants, needs and dreams....they also might not.

Of course, your money and you decision over what is important.

You do sound lovely and the more this is discussed on his thread the more complicated it becomes!

Well the rest of them probably get to have babies without i

This would be a lovely gesture but if the others are that much younger, how would you feel they they ,too, needed iVF to conceive and you could not help them ?

I would consider talking to them all to explain that this is a one off and not available for anyone else. It would be tough to explain but advert a visit when you have to disappoint them.

I may have said 'to me' as it's my money we are discussing but I think to most people, I would hope wanting to go travelling or spending 10k on a wedding were not seen as equally heartbreaking decisions as whether or not to pay for fertility treatment.

It sounds like you have a lovely family, so even if you were open about this, the other grandchildren and their parents would probably be supportive and not at all jealous. But it's easy to be supportive when no one else has any major problems in life, so Howe the others feel about it now really isn't the issue.

It's what may happen in the future that's the concern. There is no way that four other people are all going to go though life completely unscathed, without having something equally, if not worse, happen to them. Imagine yourself in 10 years time watching another grandchild or even one of your own children suffering when you could have helped.

It must feel horrible to be in the position you are in now, but remember that things change and what seems like the biggest thing now could be insignificant compared to what may happen in the future. However supportive your family may be right now if you did this, can you really be sure that they will still feel that when when other suffering inevitably comes along?

What are the chances of them being able to contribute to the cost for themselves? Maybe they won't need as much money from elsewhere as you think. They could get loans or remortgage or have help from his side of the family too. You should not be taking this all upon yourself, you can't be the only source of money.

Fair enough OP, you asked for thoughts.
I suppose it goes back to those open discussions. I know in my family, sadly, that some members would be selfish enough to consider their own needs as the same as every one else's needs, - IVF, wedding, house deposit. It wouldn't matter to them, it would be 'but she was given £10,000' end of.

Another OP talked about her family, one with medical needs, the other with the need for a house extension. To those people their needs ( to them) are equal. I think that is the type of thing I was thinking.

You are not wrong in giving, but not all of your family may see the giving of money in the same way. You know them better than any of us though.

It would be awful for you if such a kind gesture backfires.

I can't get my head round these threads. We can't live our lives on what ifs.

If I have money right now and my oldest wanted a car let's say, I would happily buy or give him money towards one. The fact that my other child may or may not choose to drive/want a car in the future would not influence my decision at all. If I still had money when he did, I would absolutely do the same. But if circumstances had changed and I was broke then he couldn't have it. It's that simple.

My children have always known that if we have funds available they can have something but if we don't they can't. That's not being unfair, it's just living our lives and doing what we can at the time. If they both needed funds at the same time I would split what I have between them.

It's your choice but .. if they can't afford fertility treatment, can they afford a child?

I assume you don't want to have that feeling of, I could have helped & I didn't

Therefore, if you want to help, then you should. It is your money, your gift

You need to bear in mind that it might not work & may not produce children

It's up to you if you discuss your finances with your wider family.
Would you discuss buying a new car or an expensive holiday

It's your choice but .. if they can't afford fertility treatment, can they afford a child?

There's a difference between being able to afford the costs of a child over a period of years and being able to afford one large lump sum in a single payment.

Why do so many younger generations get help with house deposits etc..? You could say if they can't afford the deposit, they can't afford the mortgage. Actually that often isn't the case, it's finding the initial lump sum.

What would you do OP if in a few years time one or two of the other grandkids also have fertility issues, need IVF, not eligible for NHS and can't afford to pay? If you aren't in a position to help them I think there could be some resentment along the lines of 'well you can't help me because you helped HER etc'. It's not rational but if you're struggling to conceive it's hard to be rational about this sort of thing.

Or it doesn't even need to be IVF. What if one of them got ill and needed expensive, life-saving treatment not covered by NHS? Or was in a horrific accident and can't work anymore and about to lose their house?

Personally I'd stick to equal for everyone. In my family, the grandparents haven't been equal, and whilst nobody is NC with each other, there's definitely an atmosphere and not the warm, joyous home I use to know.

Do it if you want to! You can't save it just in case the others have issues. I'm sure they will be very very grateful

I think that you also need to be aware that life is not always fair or doesn't always work out how people imagined

You would not be able to for tell or control any of the below

Examples

Some people expect grand children, but their children may emigrate to the other side of the world

Some people don't have children for various reasons, they are not lesser people

Some people sadly unexpectedly pass away young

Some families go no contact

Of course you should help her. Life is not always fair or equal and we might all get hit by a bus tomorrow.

My parents inherited money which paid for my younger sister to attend private school when myself and my older sister did not go. I have never and will never resent this decision as it was the best thing for her at the time.

Having suffered infertility myself I cannot think of anything better to spend your money on, I don’t care who disagrees.