To help one grandchild if I couldn't afford to help all the same

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One of my grandchildren is going through a horrible time with fertility issues. She's been told that IVF is probably her only option which she and her husband cannot really afford.

She is suffering badly because of this, I believe very depressed and just not in a good place.

I have some money and I would like to give it to them for the treatment.

I have 4 other grandchildren most of whom are younger and (although unlikely), I probably wouldn't be able to afford to do the same for them or give them a similar amount at the same age, if I do this now.

WWYD? I don't want to see her suffering if I can help.

It’s your money to spend how you choose, I personally would help her out.
If she hasn’t had all the basic testing (although it sounds like by this point they have and there are known issues) then I’d definitely pay for those and take it from there.
IVF doesn’t have to cost 10k as some have said, there are clinics in London where if she meets criteria it is considerably cheaper. All of this can be looked into if you talk to her about it.

As for the unhelpful comments re: not all people have a right to have children etc. I wonder if you’d say the same to someone who had a life limiting condition or serious illness and required treatment? OH WELL NO EVERYONE IS ENTITLED TO BE HEALTHY OR WELL OR LIVE PAST THEIR 40s.
Seriously shortsighted viewpoint. Gross

Do they definitely not qualify because of her husbands' child? We would have qualified on the nhs because I have never had a child, even though DH has? In the end I had a natural pregnancy just before we were about to start.

Even if that is the case, there may be ways around it- if the fertility issue is hers, they may be able to offer her treatment under gynaecology services instead e.g. a laparoscopy could be done for endometriosis which could also help the fertility issues?

Personally, I would offer the money. Yes, you might not be able to do the same for the others, but I'm of the opinion that:
A it's your money to do what you like with, and
B you do what you can, when you can.

And I say this as someone who's sister has had a lifetime of handouts from my Dad - it's his money to do what he likes with.

Have they done everything lifestyle wise first- weight, drinking, exercise etc?

Is she sure that he hasn't had a vasectomy? (sounds odd but that happened to a colleague of mine- they were trying for 7 years- turned out he wasn't trying that hard as had had the snip with 1st wife)

You aren't paying to deliberately make them unequal. You are paying to make her equal to the others who have no trouble conceiving. It's different to a house, car etc.

I'd talk to the others and see what they say.

All those saying why doesn't the NHS fund it - the NHS doesn't fund any IVF in some areas, irrespective of circumstance. This is likely to spread to more CCGs.

My parents gave us money for IVF. DM has always been scrupulously fair when it comes to us, and she said that if DB and SIL needed IVF she would give them the same amount. As it is, they're childfree and happy like that. I very much doubt that she's told them she gave us money but even though DB and i don't get on I can't imagine him complaining about it.

My grandad paid for my cousin to go to University. I think it's lovely he did that for him. None of us are sad or jealous about it. It's lovely to be able to help family in a time of need.

Although, I do suppose it depends on what type of family you have as to whether you think it would cause ructions.

OP, you sound lovely and very caring. And I am sorry your granddaughter is so low.

The exact situation occurred in my family, and regrettably, what is now a close family has been torn apart, and my grandmother wishes she hadn’t done it.

In our case, the IVF was successful, which was lovely for the granddaughter. However, several years later another granddaughter was in the same position, but was not able to be helped by the grandparents. She was so low, (despite us all knowing at the time that there was no more money) and this made her feelings towards her own sister and her grandparents tense, and ended up causing a family rift. The childless sister now won’t attend events with the sister and her child, as it hurts her so much, and she feels the second ‘kick’ that it shows the elder granddaughter was loved more. The poor parents are so upset, and so wish the initial gift had never been made, as they hate seeing one child so low and the other have their dream. They find it difficult to spend time with the child without feeling they are betraying the other daughter.....it is a mess.

The grandmother who did this feels responsible for turning a loving, close family into this.

We all in the wider family, wish more thought had been put into this. It is upsetting and we see no end in sight.

@WhatAShewOff
"Deeply unethical" - have you suffered infertility?

It’s YOUR money. You don’t have to be fair. Pay for her fertility treatment if you want; there’s no need to adjust any inheritance afterwards. You can choose to give your money to whomever you want however you want and your grandkids shouldn’t be expecting anything from you.

I have set aside a little something for my neice but nothing for my nephews, because she and I are closer and I have had more involvement with her growing up. It’s my money. I can do what I want with it.

itwas — irrelevant! If something is unethical, it’s unethical.

I wouldn’t as if giving enough to fund ivf is going to take the majority of your savings then you can’t afford to do so.
What happens if you give the money and then need it yourself. Anything could happen not just minor things needing replacing but bigger things. You could have a fall and break a hip or leg which would mean months on convalescence and paid care, house adaptations as you get older, boiler replacement, new car. How would you fund these if you gave away your savings?

If you’re happy to give them the money - go for it! I know that getting money for fertility from my Grandparents would be amazing (sadly I know what my future holds so have been saving since a teen if the NHS treatment doesn’t work.). I can’t imagine my brother would be upset at all, as he’d be getting a niece or nephew and my parents - well the money in theory would eventually come to me if they revived an inheritance. Yes other members might be upset and you could always mention that if they have such an issue then the money can be taken into account when estates get divided up in the future. The fact that you have such a amazing bond with your Grandchild makes it even more special.

Some posters are giving the impression IVF is almost never successful and it's simply not true. Age and other factors play a huge part but for many, many people it results in a live birth. Yes look at the statistics, but I think it's awful to be so dismissive of it as some PPs are when in some circumstances it has a reasonable chance of working. I would do it OP and I imagine your other grandchildren, if you choose to tell them, would be supportive.

I wouldn’t give her the money because ivf success rates are so low and it isn’t fair to favour one grandchild over others.

How long have they been trying to have a baby?
What other treatments has she had?
Have they both stopped drinking and smoking?
Is she a healthy weight?
Could she get a better paid job to fund the treatment herself?

My concern would be how you, and your gd, would feel if later down the line one of the younger GC needed IVF and couldn't afford it and neither you nor your gd could help them out. That would cause some serious guilt about favouritism etc

@Smokesandeats - for someone under 30, IVF and ICSI success rates (ie live birth) are higher than a natural pregnancy ie 40%. You do need 3 cycles and if you take an Access Fertility package it will cost approx 13k (for 3 cycles) plus drug costs.

If your kindness is anything to go by, I do not think your grandchildren will be sour. I think it’s a wonderful gift, perhaps tell them all together your plan. It’s a medical factor, nothing like a wedding or travelling and it’s frankly ridiculous to suggest it is.
You can even things out in your will perhaps.

My parents have helped myself and my sister over the years as and when we need it. It has always been understood that help was on the basis of "NEED" not on dividing the available money equally. My parents never say how much each of us has received but we both know they've helped. Over the last 20 years they've helped with:

• 3 weddings
• 1 tonsilectomy (private as NHS too slow and child suffering)
• 2 sets of speech therapy
• 1 near bankruptcy
• 1 divorce

There are plenty of things they have NOT paid for including a second tonsilectomy for a different grandchild, exploded cars, stolen caravans, etc..

If your kids are nice and you are a close family then talk to them and explain what you are doing. Each gets according to need if there are funds available. Not an unreasonable thing to say!

Its non of the other grandchildrens business what you spend your money on.Fairness doesn't come into it.Theres no rules saying your money has to be split evenly amongst grandchildren.
Life isn't fair.
No one is entitled to any of your money.

You money is your private business as is her treatment, I'd give it to her and not tell anyone else, keep it private. This site seems to always favour openness & honesty but sometimes that can cause problems in families, if I was in your position I'd give it her and explain why she needs to keep quiet about it, as you can't afford to give the same to everyone

What will you do if any of your other GC have the same issues ? IVF is like throwing good money after bad in the sense that there is no gaurantee that it will ever work in fact it is more likely to fail

Giving her the money might make her happy (but what if that cycle failed?), but it might well create resentment among the other grandchildren. I'm sure they'd all accept the reasoning that the money is specifically for the IVF process, but what if one or more of them also needed an equivalent process in the future?

I'm a new grandparent, and know that what I have done for my first grandchild I will also be doing for any others (gifts when born, pram, savings account, etc).

Another important point has already been raised by PPs - what exactly is her diagnosis?

I’d do it. But I’d be prepared for the teenagers not to understand if you tell them - I agree with the fair isn’t equal thing but might not have as a teen. I would probably do it and not tell them as really it’s between you and your granddaughter. Depends a lot on family dynamics that you know best.

I think you should do it, but heed @FollowYourOwnNorthStar ‘s words of caution.

If you do decide to gift the money and they’re going private, at least they’re not stuck with the fertility centre closest to them.
Some private arms of NHS fertility centres offer a money back guarantee if the treatment isn’t successful. Having suffered infertility myself, I know that this can come across as quite crass tbh, but perhaps its worth them looking into, as it makes it all less of a gamble.

On the “should I do this for one and not the others” side of things - an inheritance is a gift, not a right. Anyone ‘expecting’ their ‘share’ isn’t deserving of it imo.