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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To help one grandchild if I couldn't afford to help all the same

405 replies

Jumpyy · 30/05/2019 08:05

One of my grandchildren is going through a horrible time with fertility issues. She's been told that IVF is probably her only option which she and her husband cannot really afford.

She is suffering badly because of this, I believe very depressed and just not in a good place.

I have some money and I would like to give it to them for the treatment.

I have 4 other grandchildren most of whom are younger and (although unlikely), I probably wouldn't be able to afford to do the same for them or give them a similar amount at the same age, if I do this now.

WWYD? I don't want to see her suffering if I can help.

OP posts:
outofnothing · 30/05/2019 09:16

I was in a similar position and offered to help out financially. Eventually we agreed that the recipients would pay me back £25 a month. It will take them years to repay the debt but they can afford £25 a month without any problem and somehow it felt better for everyone. They got the money they desperately needed, I could help and everyone else knew it was a loan (I just didn't divulge the small payments). Would this be a solution for you.
By the way I think you're terrific for offering to help them,

Missingstreetlife · 30/05/2019 09:18

Just be sure you are not reopening a can of worms she is trying to get over. Also that you won't need the money yourself later

eurochick · 30/05/2019 09:18

Would the others have to know?

Infertility is such a devastating life changing thing. If you can afford to help, it would be such an amazing gift.

Genevieva · 30/05/2019 09:19

This is your money. I absolutely would not feel any obligation to discuss how you spend it with the rest of the family. You wouldn't do that If you chose to have an expensive holiday, but the effect on your residual estate would be the same. IVF is a very private and sensitive thing. If you want to help then help, but know that it might not be successful. It can be a bit like spending your money on a lottery ticket. Also, it might be worth having an open conversation with your granddaughter about the clinical assessment of how helpful IVF would be and whether, if it didn't succeed first time, but they had more eggs, they would be able to afford a second round of treatment.

TildaTurnip · 30/05/2019 09:20

I wouldn’t not give the money that is needed now and you want to give just in case one of your high school aged GC need it in the future too.

Do what you can and wish to do now. There is no way I’d begrudge my GP paying for any of my cousins to have this.

Candleglow7475 · 30/05/2019 09:23

i know because I'm very close to this granddaughter (and all of them), we have open conversations.

This is exactly what I meant, when I said in a family situation if one person is more open about their issues than the others (who keep their struggles more private) It can create an imbalance if you step in and could cause resentment between others when they don’t discuss / disclosed their issue to the same extent. I know you are being kind OP but I foresee resentment if you take this approach- but it’s your money to do what you want with.

Lweji · 30/05/2019 09:23

I wouldn't.

It doesn't solve her problems. I agree that counselling would be more appropriate, in fact.

I know it's somewhat controversial, and there's a reason why the NHS doesn't fund all IVF treatments, but it's not a given right that everyone must be able to have children.

Her depression about it, though, is an important issue.

Drum2018 · 30/05/2019 09:25

There really is no need for you to discuss it with anyone else apart from your granddaughter and her husband. They in turn are not obliged to discuss their finances with anyone else. For all anyone knows they could have taken out a loan, got money from his family, in any case it's nobody's business.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 30/05/2019 09:27

No I wouldn't treat them differently. I've seen the resentment gifting just one family member causes and it's not worth it. If it was for life saving treatment it would be different but it's not.

The chances of it working are low and there is already a child in the family.

You could offer to loan her some of the money and agree a repayment plan. Whilst she has no commitments it would be easy for her to get a second job etc to work for it.

zen1 · 30/05/2019 09:28

I think it is a lovely gesture. It is not as if you are giving to her for a frivolous reason - it could be life-changing for your grand daughter. I agree that fair doesn’t always mean equal. My husbands great grandmother gave us a few thousand for something important because she knew we were struggling (children with disabilities), but I don’t think it was even mentioned to the other great grandchildren. She certainly wouldn’t have been able to help them all out, but I don’t think they would have minded even if they had have known.

CornishMaid1 · 30/05/2019 09:30

I think that is a lovely thought and I think it depends on the amount. Unless they need a donor or there are genetic issues needed, a full IVF cycle is likely to be around £5k, maybe less.

We are on cycle 2 and it is hard when a cycle fails. For our first, our parents did give us some money to help (although they gave equally to siblings as well).

It may be that she does not even need the whole amount - we could have paid for some on the first cycle, but the idea of finding all the money was daunting. Getting some towards it made it so much more realistic.

NauseousMum · 30/05/2019 09:31

It's a lovely idea but what happens if one of your younger gc goes through the same? Then you could only help the one and that could cause issues.

If i was you, i would give money for a couple of cycles in a good reputable clinic, perhaps one which refunds a percentage if a live pregnancy doesn't result?

Boysey45 · 30/05/2019 09:34

At the end of the day its your money and you can spend it on whoever or whatever you want. Its absolutely no one else's business.
Money doesn't equate love.

NailsNeedDoing · 30/05/2019 09:34

Personally, I wouldn't. Couldn't you work out how much you can afford to give in total, and then split that amongst all the grandchildren? That way, the one you want to help will get a good chunck of money to start them off with savings, and youll know you've been fair to all of them.

I think the main reason why I wouldn't do this, especially with three of them still being young, is that the likelihood of one of them having a life event far worse than infertility is likely to happen, and then how would you, and they, feel?

What if another one of them ends up infertile, or with an illness or disability that hinders their ability to work, or one of them is widowed? It would be equally as hard for you to watch one of your other grandchildren suffering, which they will at some point because that's just life, knowing that you could have helped but now can't because you favoured just one of them.

Original poster
Jumpyy · 30/05/2019 09:34

and there is already a child in the family

If you're referring to her husband's child, I'm not really sure of the relevance? It doesn't make it any easier for her and it doesn't replace the 'need' she feels to have her own child.

She's had a few people say at least she has a 'ready made' family to fall back on which she finds hurtful.

OP posts:
bengalcat · 30/05/2019 09:34

It’s your money so spend it how you like . Good luck to you all .

AuntMarch · 30/05/2019 09:35

Any sibling or cousin (or parent/aunt/uncle) who would feel so entitled to your money when you go that they would begrudge this, doesn't deserve it anyway! There's too much expectation of inheritance, I tell my mum all the time to work less and start spending hers!

Not that you have to tell anyone else if you'd rather not.

TheBrockmans · 30/05/2019 09:35

I personally would probably offer, it sounds as if seeing another great grandchild would make you happy and so would see it as something you would benefit from too. If the older sibling already has children and the younger ones are not likely to want any for about ten years I don't think the gift is inequitable. It's not as if two grandchildren need ivf now and you are only choosing one to give it to. If you will have money in your will you can redress the inequality there.

Original poster
Jumpyy · 30/05/2019 09:36

Thanks for all the responses. I really am taking them on board and considering all the points made.

OP posts:
YetIWill · 30/05/2019 09:36

I think it would be a lovely thing to do. Even if it wasn't successful, just knowing that you were prepared to help would be a big boost for her.

If she doesn't mind the others knowing, then I'd be honest with them all and explain that you're doing this. I'd also probably even things out in your will, if possible, so basically she's getting her inheritance early.

My parents gave my sister money to get an operation done privately (she was going to have to wait for a couple of years otherwise, and while it wasn't life-threatening, it was causing her discomfort, and she didn't want to TTC until it was done). It didn't occur to me that they should be giving me anything to "make it up" to me or anything.

Lweji · 30/05/2019 09:37

Just to add that, while nobody needs to know, somehow, in families, these things tend to come out. So, if you do it, and even if you don't discuss it or disclose it to anyone else, be prepared for other people to know it at some point, and to stick up for your decision, whatever it may be.

ChipsAreLife · 30/05/2019 09:38

You sound lovely.

Let's be honest paying for IVF is very different to going travelling as an example, especially as it sounds like your granddaughter is really struggling.

If this was my family I would in no way begrudge this or give it a second thought. Sometimes I read the responses on these threads and feel quite sad about how people are so focused on money rather than compassion.

I wouldn't hesitate to give the money and if anyone questions it i would leave them nothing. It's your money.

Freddiefox · 30/05/2019 09:39

Do you own your own home? Could you give the others a higher percentage of thae house in your will?

WhatAShewOff · 30/05/2019 09:39

I wouldn’t, because I think IVF is deeply unethical. It’s also got a high failure rate and holds out false hope to desperate people.

MeredithGrey1 · 30/05/2019 09:40

If you are worried about fairness, depending on what your finances are you could give them this money and then give them that amount less in your will. So that this money is more like an advance on inheritance.

But I don't think you should have to, if it was one of my cousins who got money for this, I wouldn't feel like this was unfair on me at all.