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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Paranoid or was he with someone

189 replies

sleepisfor · 30/05/2019 06:28

Been seeing a guy for a month and yesterday things were normal all day.
He was messaging me etc even at work.
Got to 8pm and I text him and no reply.
He wasn't on WhatsApp /Facebook etc for the rest of the night.
He finished work at 4 and went to the gym so I knew he was home.
Anyway haven't slept all night.thinking he is with another woman.
He text me at 5.30 am when he will have been getting up for the gym then he starts work at 7.30 am.
I feel sick to my stomach he is always on social media and there is no reason why he wasn't active after 8pm apart from being with another woman.
What do I do?
Ask him why he wasn't active
Why he didn't reply till 5.30 am?
Aibu ?
I don't even know

OP posts:
Mandala6 · 30/05/2019 12:19

Wow. The general consensus of all the comments is "stop monitoring his activity" and your last comment shows you are still obsessively checking his SM.
He messaged you this morning, it has been a few hours, he is probably busy. I think you should turn your phone off for a few hours so you stop checking and obsessing.
It has been one month, and he is on tinder and makes no secret or the fact he is since he got notifications on his phone in front of you. He may very well be seeing other women still, so why are you torturing yourself like this?
If you have given him any indication that you are obsessing like this it may be a reason for him to pull away, he may be seeing the red flag.

janetforpresident · 30/05/2019 12:24

Do yourself a favour turn your phone off and stop checking his social media. It's ridiculous and overbearing and I would run a mile if i knew someone was doing that to me. Go about your day and then call him this evening to arrange to go out and spend time together. When you are out have the chat about exclusivity and if he agrees to be exclusive ask him to delete his tinder account.

I don't think he was with another woman last night from what you've said but you are going to mistrust him no matter what he does, he's not on social media so he's cheating , he's on social media but not talking to you so he's gone off you!?!

The problem is with you not him.

BananaMelon · 30/05/2019 12:35

It's easy for people to say you're mad but I've been through this!
I came out of a very long relationship and started dating after a year, majority of guys don't want anything serious. They just see tinder/bumble as a candy shop window and date alot!
I dated one guy who I got on with really well, we always laughed and he was very thoughtful and considerate but after our 4th date I asked him if he was dating other people and he openly said yes. He had recently been through a breakup himself (a complicated one!) And wasn't ready for anything too serious. At the time I felt slightly bruised but appreciated him being so honest.
After a year and a half of dating I met someone who I have now been with for 9 months.
I was very paranoid in the first few months of dating him because of the previous guys I had dated and how they're approach to it was!
You need to look after number 1 and just ask him outright what he is wanting from dating.
The answer you get may not be the one you want but trust me, the longer you pine after the wrong person the more you'll regret it!

Dating should be fun, not make you want to burst into tears! (Which I admittedly did a few times)

popsadaisy · 30/05/2019 12:45

If he wakes as early as 5.30 every morning then I think it's likely he could have fallen asleep as early as 8pm. He might not have been feeling great gone for a lie down, fell asleep.. i wouldn't jump to conclusions, you'll put him off massively

MoominMantra · 30/05/2019 12:59

It's perfectly ok for you to want to date someone who isn't still shopping around on Tinder. But you need to tell him this and if he won't do it, move on.

MaryMcCarthy · 30/05/2019 12:59

You'll drive him away if you keep thinking like this!

AllOverIt · 30/05/2019 13:03

Er....

He isn't wanting to chat to you soucj because you sound batshit crazy.

Go out with your mates. Stop behaving like a bunny boiler.

AllOverIt · 30/05/2019 13:04

*so much

NCforthis2019 · 30/05/2019 13:08

look - you sound insane, unhinged and utterly anxious, and i say this as someone with anxiety herself. STEP BACK. Maybe hes not that into you. Maybe he finds you overbearing. Maybe he thinks youre too full on. OR MAYBE HE FELL ASLEEP.

Youre not even exclusive - he (and you) can sleep with whoever you want. If you continue being like this - yoou will drive him (if you havent already) and any other man you meet away. CHILL THE FUCK OUT. (and i mean that kindly)

Technonan · 30/05/2019 13:09

I understand that awful kind of insecurity, but it's really, really destructive.

  1. He may be seeing someone else. There's nothing you can do, and as you've only been together a month, that doesn't make him a rat. Be cool about it.
  2. He isn't seeing anyone, but he's backing off a bit because you're crowding him. Stop doing that.
  3. There's nothing wrong, he's just doing something else.
Anything you do to try and find out why he hasn't communicated as much as you think he should has the potential to cause what you dread - the end of the relationship. Distract yourself, keep away from your phone, don't question him, be friendly but not needy. If you can't do that, then you aren't ready for a long-term relationship. You'll just keep doing the same thing. Been there. I know.
chuttypicks · 30/05/2019 13:14

You're clearly not ready to be in a relationship if you're this clingy and paranoid after a month. You should take some time out to concentrate on being happy in yourself without a man, before you end up being a crazy psycho controlling girlfriend. You're clearly on the path to that already.

Original poster
sleepisfor · 30/05/2019 13:15

I'm turning my phone off for the rest of the afternoon.
He's been texting on his lunch break.
Maybe I was being stupid and over thinking.
I don't even know anymore.

OP posts:
Original poster
sleepisfor · 30/05/2019 13:16

I haven't mentioned him not getting in touch after 8 last night and him not bring on Facebook etc
I thought I would seem loopy if I did.

OP posts:
Tistheseason17 · 30/05/2019 13:18

My goodness you are intense - even on this post.

Calm down and go and find other things to do - checking whether someone is online is not healthy for you and I can see why he is back on Tinder. I would suggest you accept being happy in your own company so that you are not so reliant on hearing back from someone.

What do you think we did in the days before the internet and mobile phones? Chiiiiiil.

Mandala6 · 30/05/2019 13:19

Yes! Good girl! Turn your phone off for a few hours. Let him wonder about you. Let your brain think about something other than him for a little while.

MoominMantra · 30/05/2019 13:23

He's probably texting his daughter, did you think of that? When you have a teenager you're often texting them and helping them sort out various stuff.

I was dating a man once who I really liked until I realised how clingy he was. After a while I realised he was waiting on WhatsApp to see when I was going to respond to him or read a message. Honestly it was the main thing that turned me off him.

Original poster
sleepisfor · 30/05/2019 13:24

He doesn't know I've been obsessing.
When he texts I make sure to wait at least 10 min between reply's so I'm not too keen

OP posts:
Original poster
sleepisfor · 30/05/2019 13:25

The other day he whatsapped called me accidentally so was obviously checking my last seen too.

OP posts:
StealthNinjaMum · 30/05/2019 13:26

@sleepisfor I think you have had some harsh responses.

Modern dating and technology can be paranoia inducing. I was dating a guy, receiving dozens of messages a day. One evening he didn't message me, he was obviously on a date with someone else. He dumped me, i got over it really quickly.

Join us on the dating threads in the relationships board and we'll support you.

ThatCurlyGirl · 30/05/2019 13:35

I feel sick to my stomach he is always on social media and there is no reason why he wasn't active after 8pm apart from being with another woman.

Busy.
Work.
Seeing a friend.
Seeing family.
Just fancied a quiet night to himself.
Etc.

CrispbuttyNo1 · 30/05/2019 13:35

You arent listening to a single thing anyone is saying here.

Back off from him or he will be blocking you. You sound scary. If a bloke I had just met was being so intense and stalkerish I would be running away as fast as I could.

ThatCurlyGirl · 30/05/2019 13:41

And if you're comfortable enough to have sex with him and invest this huge amount of headspace to him then you really should be able to just have a conversation with him about this.

Original poster
sleepisfor · 30/05/2019 13:45

@CrispbuttyNo1 why would he block me?
He has zero clue I was panicking last night

OP posts:
whothedaddy · 30/05/2019 13:49

There are so many issues wrapped up in this.

  1. The fact that you have been hurt in the past is not his problem. It is not for him to take away that pain or fix you. You have to fix yourself. It is really unfair of you to consider otherwise.

  2. Even if it was a committed relationship you do not own a person. They are totally free to do what they like when they like. You state he has a job, he regularly exercises and he is a committed father that's a whole lot of things to preoccupy someone. He doesn't have to apologise or explain any of this.

  3. Dating should be fun, it's also tricky emotionally form both sides. The first exciting weeks can be exciting and intense...sometimes we need quiet space to reflect on how we feel about things.

  4. It has been a month- I've seen you say it's not his usual behaviour a number of times. You have no idea what his usual behaviour is, you barely know him.

  5. Without having the exclusive chat he is perfectly entitled to still be on Tinder, to still be dating, to spend time with whoever he wants. As are you.

  6. He is not you, you can not expect him to feel, think and behave in a way you would. Stop expecting him to.

  7. your behaviour is actually stalking. Checking when he uses VARIOUS forms of social media, checking his daily routine, I bet you've checked who he likes and messages on SM too haven't you. This is crazy behaviour. If I was his friend I would be telling him to run away now.

  8. being on SM or even Whatssapping you doesn't mean he is laying in bed pining for you. He could do those things from a table in a restaurant while on another date. There is no logic to him messaging you and being "faithful" to your non-relationship.

  9. You have already decided you don't trust him, before you are in a relationship and before he has given you any reason not to.

GO AND GET COUNSELLING!

Didntwanttochangemyname · 30/05/2019 13:55

OP, what was your reason for starting this thread if you were going to completely ignore all advice?
I'm curious as to your motives.

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