Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Paranoid or was he with someone

189 replies

sleepisfor · 30/05/2019 06:28

Been seeing a guy for a month and yesterday things were normal all day.
He was messaging me etc even at work.
Got to 8pm and I text him and no reply.
He wasn't on WhatsApp /Facebook etc for the rest of the night.
He finished work at 4 and went to the gym so I knew he was home.
Anyway haven't slept all night.thinking he is with another woman.
He text me at 5.30 am when he will have been getting up for the gym then he starts work at 7.30 am.
I feel sick to my stomach he is always on social media and there is no reason why he wasn't active after 8pm apart from being with another woman.
What do I do?
Ask him why he wasn't active
Why he didn't reply till 5.30 am?
Aibu ?
I don't even know

OP posts:
poppet31 · 30/05/2019 11:24

Sorry to say, but you sound mental OP. If your first thought is that he's with another woman when he hasn't been online, I think you have serious trust and/or anxiety issues and probably aren't ready to be in a relationship.

There are a thousand reasons why he wasn't online. Occasionally I will just leave my phone upstairs for the night if I fancy some time away from my screen. He doesn't need to account for his movements and the fact you are checking whether he was online is a major red flag. I suspect you might have just sent a 'funny picture' because you were insecure about him not messaging earlier and wanted an excuse to get in touch. Have a conversation about exclusivity if that will reassure you but don't make sweeping assumptions.

Laiste · 30/05/2019 11:26

I’ve only read the OP’s messages and scanned the rest, but this is my take on it:
Yes there’s a good chance he was with someone else. He’s still on tinder and has no steady GF.

If you want to have an exclusive relationship with him ask him if that’s how it can be.

To be honest though in my experience a guy will jump in and ask for that quite quickly himself if he’s keen.

sincethereis · 30/05/2019 11:26

if he was with another woman, he wouldn’t have done anything wrong.

Ur not exclusive !

magicBrenda · 30/05/2019 11:27

To be honest though in my experience a guy will jump in and ask for that quite quickly himself if he’s keen

I agree

Meowington · 30/05/2019 11:29

You sound exhausting. This relationship is doomed. Why not be single and work on yourself for a while.

frenchonion · 30/05/2019 11:29

You need to work on your paranoia. I'd run a fucking mile from lunacy like this. Have the exclusivity chat, then maybe seek some counselling? These thoughts are so unhealthy!

Original poster
sleepisfor · 30/05/2019 11:31

I've been single for 3 years.
I really like him and just want it to work out.
I think it's sneaky he went back on tinder.

OP posts:
PurpleFlower1983 · 30/05/2019 11:32

Stop stalking him or you are going to push him away anyway, you’re behaviour is not normal.

PurpleFlower1983 · 30/05/2019 11:32

*your

Thehop · 30/05/2019 11:32

You need to walk away from this, you aren’t well matched at all.

magicBrenda · 30/05/2019 11:33

I think posters are being unkind now.

It’s irrelevant at what pace other posters go by. Both OP and this guy messaged a lot. There has been a sudden change in his behaviour and she noticed it.

If he usually didn’t touch his phone for hours that would be his normal behaviour.

The normal behaviour in this case was that they messaged a lot. He disappeared for a while leaving unanswered messages replied much later on not in his normal style.

OP noticed.

MRex · 30/05/2019 11:35

To be honest though in my experience a guy will jump in and ask for that quite quickly himself if he’s keen
I disagree. DH was confused when I asked him, he had just assumed we were exclusive. (Met in real life rather than online and he's a bit naive about dating.)

magicBrenda · 30/05/2019 11:35

I think it's sneaky he went back on tinder

He hasn’t been sneaky as he hasn’t blocked you. He has done it in clear sight. After all you were on there too to be able to see him. He might have seen your profile up.

Your not matched well OP I don’t think he is looking to settle with you.

Original poster
sleepisfor · 30/05/2019 11:37

I wasn't back on tinder until he got 2 notifications that he had new matches.
I'm so paranoid now with all these thoughts going on in my brain.
He hasn't spoke either all day which is making me worse.
Just want to sit and cry

OP posts:
TeddybearBaby · 30/05/2019 11:38

I think you need to have the conversation about where you are. How do you know about the tinder thing, does he know you know? Try to change the way you’re viewing him.... like the be all and end all and just see what happens. If it’s not him maybe you’re meant to meet someone better and learn a lesson from this guy in some way. I think when you get it into your head that someone is ‘the one’ it makes for some desperation. He might be or he might not but you’ll be fine either way 💐

Original poster
sleepisfor · 30/05/2019 11:40

They popped up on his phone when we were together on Saturday.

OP posts:
TeddybearBaby · 30/05/2019 11:40

Cross post. Just saw your update! Sit and cry if you like, get it all out. Might make you feel better. I think you’ve just made his man more important than he has earned the right to be yet!

ArchieHarrison · 30/05/2019 11:43

how do you know he got two notifications? were you checking his phone?

It's half term. He's as likely taken his daughter out for the evening as gone to the pub with friends to watch the football even if he isn't a big fan, but in any case - at one month and still on tinder, he doesn't really owe you the explanation.

ArchieHarrison · 30/05/2019 11:44

x post too

Original poster
sleepisfor · 30/05/2019 11:48

Why isn't he wanting to chat to me as much ?
I'm confused and I hate it

OP posts:
Sidge · 30/05/2019 11:49

All day? It’s only half past eleven!

Look love, calm down. Maybe he’s eased off on messaging as he’s really busy at work. Maybe he’s finding you a little suffocating.

Him being on Tinder is not sneaky, that’s how Tinder is - a numbers game. I’ve had new matches even when I haven’t swiped in weeks. He may well still be swiping but HE’S ALLOWED TO - YOU ARE DATING AND NOT IN A RELATIONSHIP!

When are you seeing him again? Maybe you need to have that conversation about chatting with and seeing other people - then you’ll know for sure and can stop all this crazy speculation.

Original poster
sleepisfor · 30/05/2019 11:53

He can't be that busy as he has been on WhatsApp and Facebook

OP posts:
StarLine · 30/05/2019 12:07

I think it sounds like you are not compatible with this guy. You sound like you need quite a lot of reassurance and a lot of contact. He sounds like he is far more easygoing - and you mention he doesn't want a high-maintenance thing.

So you can try and 'play it cool' and drive yourself crazy like you are here behind the scenes, wondering and worrying. Or you can accept he is not the right person to be offering you the level of contact and reassurance that you want and need.

I don't think a month is long and I'd not expect anyone to delete their dating apps or stop talking to other people in that space of time. But if this is what you expect I think you need to tell him that.

You do sound quite anxious in general and I'm not sure this guy is the best person to be staring something with as you seem to me to have completely different mindsets and ways of interacting. If I were you I'd either be honest with him and explain you are anxious and be clear about your need to be reassured and also for exclusivity. Or accept this is not the right person for you and move on now. Flowers

StarLine · 30/05/2019 12:08

Also - being on social media doesn't mean you necessarily want to be talking to everyone. I'm often on Fb or Whatsapp but not in the mood for a text convo with someone I am dating.

Doesn't mean I've lost interest in them, just means I don't feel the need to be in contact with them just because I'm online.

Technonan · 30/05/2019 12:14

If you want to blow what may be a promising relationship out of the water, go ahead. Are you sure you're ready for anything long-term if you are so unwilling to trust someone?

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.