Paranoid or was he with someone

[sleepisfor]

Been seeing a guy for a month and yesterday things were normal all day.
He was messaging me etc even at work.
Got to 8pm and I text him and no reply.
He wasn't on WhatsApp /Facebook etc for the rest of the night.
He finished work at 4 and went to the gym so I knew he was home.
Anyway haven't slept all night.thinking he is with another woman.
He text me at 5.30 am when he will have been getting up for the gym then he starts work at 7.30 am.
I feel sick to my stomach he is always on social media and there is no reason why he wasn't active after 8pm apart from being with another woman.
What do I do?
Ask him why he wasn't active
Why he didn't reply till 5.30 am?
Aibu ?
I don't even know

Please put the rabbit down and step away!

Op you need to let this poor bloke go, you are in no way shape or form ready to be dating. And you’re just going to be awful to be around, and that’s not fair on anyone.

Jealousy, possessiveness and distrust this early on doesn’t spell for a healthy relationship. I truly do not think you should be dating at all.

It's been a month. He's still on Tinder.

That is where you stand.

Woah. It’s been a month. You’re just dating. It’s not a relationship, so what he does when he’s not with you is none of your business.

He might have been out with mates.

He might have been asleep.

He might have been spending time with his daughter.

He might have been on a date.

You don’t own him. Until you’ve had a conversation about being exclusive you are just dating and he can date who he likes. It’s a numbers game and that’s the way it goes.

Seriously, take a breath, step back and find other things to do with your time rather than obsessively following a man online.

What kind of a world is it we're in now where him being offline for a few hours instantly makes you assume he's up to no good?

This relationship is not healthy for either of you.

This is so sad. Poor man.

I mean this could be anything. Don’t all of us have times when we leave our phone charging and don’t worry about it? Maybe his internet was down. Tbh, even if he had been with someone else that doesn’t mean he wouldn’t have checked his phone, does it?

If DD and DH are away, I’m most likely to be found having fallen asleep on the sofa at half 7.

You are really over thinking this. Do you have a habit of catastrophising? Because you’ve jumped straight to worst case drama.

After a month, and with no chat about exclusivity, I'm sorry but he can sleep with whoever he wants.

Unless he did fall asleep but then who falls asleep that early
My DP for one! Especially if he has to be up early. And 5.30am is early.

Sorry, but you really need to chill out or you will suffocate this relationship before it's even started.

@sleepisfor please take a step back and realise that you are not being rational! Stop stalking him on social media - it's not healthy! The fact you've been messed around in the past is not his fault.

Every relationship is a risk. You need to work through your own baggage otherwise you could trash a potentially good relationship, here.

Put your phone down and stop obsessing over what he is doing every second he's not texting or speaking to you. You will make yourself ill, seriously.

And if you want exclusivity then you need to have that conversation with him now, rather than just expecting him to know.

My dp often falls asleep at 7pm and I won't hear from him til the next day.

Yikes! Have you been seeing this guy for a month or stalking him for a month!? Its not healthy to be keeping tabs on everything he does and when.
I get that you’ve had bad experiences previously, and so has he. I think you need to get some counselling on your own to recalibrate and not jump to the worst conclusions from something so indeterminate

Yeah I think the worst with everything.
My mum doesn't answer the phone straight away I'm convinced she's fell down the stairs or had a stroke.
I guess your right even if he was with someone else he could have checked his phone and it was the same time he normally gets up anyway.
So he might have been sleeping

You need help OP. Your thought process in not normal or healthy. End the relationship (if you could even call it that), and get some help. Find out what makes you paranoid and irrational and work from there.

You're not hearing what people have said.
He can do what he likes. He's currently on tinder because you haven't discussed being exclusive. If you want to be exclusive you must have that conversation.
Tbh I don't think you're ready for a new relationship. You sound very stressed out over this. I feel for you.

If you really like him and want to be exclusive, tell him and discuss it. Otherwise you're going to do your own head in.

A month in is fine to really like someone but he's not a mind reader and he might have different ideas about OLD than you. So tell him!!!

If he doesn't want to leave Tinder, you have your answer. Hes not as serious as you and you should let go. If he does, yay!!! 🤩

Hi OP,

This is obviously really stressing you out but it'll be okay, just try to calm down a little bit. I doubt he was with anyone else. It could be anything from he left his phone in the car, was sidetracked with something else, phone ran out of charge and he couldn't find his charger, he fell asleep early (I get up at 5.30am for the gym and feel sleepy at about 7pm!). Also, if he's anything like me, sometimes I just take a break from my phone for a bit. I'm on social media a lot but sometimes I just need some down time. Plus he text you first thing, so that's a good thing!

It will obviously help you to know where you stand with him so I suggest working on that. Next time you meet, just casually ask him about being exclusive. Mention that you'd like to be and see what he thinks. It's fine to ask, in fact, it's an adult and sensible thing to do! If he's not up for that at this point, you can then decide if you feel like you can proceed with the relationship. I would say it's fairly normal for him to still be on Tinder at the moment, it's only been a month, but if you have the exclusivity talk, he should have no problem deleting it.

Please don't text him accusing him of anything. I have terrible anxiety and I know how easy it is to jump from 0-100 but the likely explanation is probably completely innocent.

If you do want to keep the relationship going (and at the moment I'm not sure if it's the best for you) then please speak to your GP about possible counselling or help for your anxiety in this area. I mean this in the nicest way possible. This behaviour is not healthy for anyone in the relationship and will only serve to destroy and it will always become a self-fulfilling prophecy. This comes from someone who used to have awful issues with being away from my partner for any length of time (picture breakdowns, crying, panic attacks) and it is something you can come to work through. I've gone from that to having a partner who forgets to text me for hours because he's useless and I'm totally okay with that and trust him entirely. Your relationships will be much healthier as a result of counselling / help and, most importantly, you will feel healthier, more confident and more independent.

If there was a change in his behaviour that’s what you have picked up on.

I tend to trust my gut instinct.

I wouldn’t like to be sleeping with some one that was still on tinder

He just isn't texting as much as he was.
I can notice a difference

It's been a month, there is no normal yet. How long have your previous relationships been?

OP you don't need to know what he is doing 24/7, you don't have the right and it is controlling. At a month, you barely know him so he could be doing any number of things, assuming he is either talking to you or must be cheating shows that you have issues you must deal with with regards to your very extreme need to feel in control and be in the loop or you're thinking the worst This sounds unbelievably unhealthy.

He's still on tinder because he wants to be at the end of the day, you aren't exclusive or 'in a relationship' if nobody has agreed to be. You are casually dating at best.

I realise when anxiety is the root cause these things are hard to break the cycle of but it really seems like a relationship would not be a helpful or positive thing to enter into if you're not able to manage your paranoia and fear of abandonment. I would seriously consider seeing your GP and asking to be referred for counselling; you can't go on like this, it sounds awful for you! It also really isn't acceptable to subject someone else to this as though its reasonable because it is not.

It all boils down to a change in behaviour.

If something (anything) is happening regularly and it changes your brain picks it up. It what you do with that information next.

Most people will over ride those feelings and put them down as being irrational/over anxious/paranoid. But it was there for your brain to pick up.

I’ve been in loads of situations where I noticed little innocuous things very early in relationship and ignored them but they always came true.

If I was you id think if I wanted to be sleeping with some one still on a dating site. Id want some one that was focused on solely me. Someone that was interested in seeing where we went not some one who is still actively looking for some one.

Errrm, You sound totally insane. I feel as though you should text him but for his sake! He has just come out of an abusive relationship and will sleep walk into another one with someone that obsessively needs to know his whereabouts, accuses him of things he hasn’t done based on nothing but ‘a feeling’.....give your head a wobble OP.

I just miss getting a lot of messages from him.

That is likely to either mean that he's losing interest or he's not a big messager when he's not in the early stages, both of which mean he may well not be compatible with you.

He's still on Tinder

That says even more. It's been a month; he's still looking and taking this very casual, you're driving yourself mad looking at when he's online. You're approaching this as totally different things. Are you going to have the exclusivity conversation? Because his behaviour suggests that he's still talking to other women, and he may well do so until you agree to be exclusive.

But to be honest, it sounds like he's explained to you that he's looking for something casual and easy because he had an abusive, controlling relationship before, and you don't seem able to give that. You need someone who is more ready, and who is happy to be very open with you and help to manage your anxiety. He's unlikely to be that person. You're miles apart.

I'd be very freaked out by someone tracking my activity as much as you've done, a month in. It wouldn't suit who I am. I've had anxiety and I get that it gives you a feeling of control, but it's fake control and your need for it will just grow and grow until you're checking his phone and having to "check" he's not having an affair at any chance you get.

If you don't trust him, you have nothing.

You don't sound very well OP.

Perhaps you should seek some counselling before pursuing a relationship? It is not normal to stalk/monitor the online activity of someone you have only been dating 1 month, and it sounds like this is not an exclusive relationship, you're just dating.

You can't base all future relationships on things that have happened in your past. You will end up driving future partners away with this behaviour.