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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ban husband's 'friends' from our house

168 replies

CustardCreamLover · 29/05/2019 20:21

When I was 5 months pregnant we went to a friend's wedding. While we were there my husband got completely bladdered. He had 3 friends there (all single and male) and they kept going outside to 'smoke' leaving me alone at our table with no one to talk to. Didn't bother me too much there was plenty to eat which of course being pregnant I was taking full advantage of!

However I was beginning to get bored so I went out with him when he went to smoke. It was cold (October) so we went and sat in the car. I wasn't really concentrating on what was going on until 3 lines of coke were passed to the front of the car where I was sitting with my husband.

I don't do drugs, never have, don't tolerate them and have never been confronted with coke before. I flipped out and shouted 'no' several times at my husband in my panic and then shouted at his friends to get out of my car. I then told him I was going home and he either came or he got a taxi home on his own. After half an hour having gone to get my coat he came back empty handed and we left. During that time the bride and groom came out to see me. How they knew I was out in the car I don't know I guess husband must have told them. I was mortified but they didn't seem to know why I was out there so I just covered and blamed my upset on pregnancy hormones.

The next day my husband couldn't remember what had happened (allegedly). I told him, he apologised a lot and I made it very clear that I didn't want those friends in our house ever again.

I've just got back from taking my mum to the airport to not only find one of those friends in our house but with my son as well (who is now 4 months old 😍).

AIBU to kick off at my husband about this? I told him I didn't want them here and he's blatantly ignored me and I certainly don't want them around my son but I'm wondering if I'm just being a bit over dramatic about it? At the time I was probably hormonal and having never been exposed to it a bit shocked as well.

I've kept my mouth shut for the moment and now I put it to Mumsnet to decide for me!!

OP posts:
Original poster
CustardCreamLover · 29/05/2019 20:22

Flipping heck. I did put paragraphs in but the app is crap.

Also didn't realise how long it was......Thank you for reading to the end of you get there!!

OP posts:
nauseous5000 · 29/05/2019 20:26

YANBU to not want to be around drugs or have your child around them, but can I ask why you assumed his friend was there to take drugs and therefore a harm? Cocaine is generally a recreational drug, so unlikely tho not impossible he was under influence?

Merrymumoftwo · 29/05/2019 20:29

No you are not be unreasonable, he is, massively unless he is about to tell you they went through rehab and are clean. I would also be asking if he has taken drugs?

Babysharkdododont · 29/05/2019 20:29

I think a line of coke at a wedding is quite far removed from a line of coke in someones front parlour on a Wednesday night. They very probably aren't carrying drugs and have no intention of doing any.

When you told your husband you didn't want them in your house did he agree to that?

EllebellyBeeblebrox · 29/05/2019 20:30

Was your husband doing coke with them? If so I can see why you'd be upset and shocked if he hadn't done it before. I'm not puritanical about drugs and have dabbled myself but coke is fairly horrid in my experience, more for the come down than anything else. I guess it partly depends too how you'd got on with these mates before you knew they did it, a lot of people do coke and still function perfectly normally. On the whole I think you're being a little bit OTT, but I think we've all had moments like that as a parent x

ReganSomerset · 29/05/2019 20:31

Tricky. I think whether yabu or not, your DH should have spoken to you about it first. The fact that he instead chose to go behind your back was unreasonable on his part imo. Yanbu to be upset about that.

MyKingdomForACaramel · 29/05/2019 20:31

Honestly I think you’re being over dramatic. Unless they have a serious drug problem it’s unlikely that they will be snorting cocaine in your living room on a Wednesday night.

Bluntness100 · 29/05/2019 20:33

I'm sorry you need to explain your mindset here,

Are you of rhe opinion your husband is actually your son and a young lad who is easily led by his friends and they are a bad influence on him? And that just like mummy you get to decide if his friends are allowed round or not?

It does read like this.

For me, personally I'd assume and wish reassurance no drugs in rhe home, and I'd wish my husband to be responsible for ensuring that.

Not sure I could fancy a bloke I saw as my child really. Or treated as one. But each to their own.

Jengnr · 29/05/2019 20:36

I’d be asking questions a little closer to home tbh...

They passed 3 lines of coke to your husband. They’re his mates, they go out with him a lot. They had been out with him several times that evening. Why would they pass him a line if they knew he didn’t do it?

His friends might well be dicks but I suspect they are birds of a feather with your husband unfortunately.

Original poster
CustardCreamLover · 29/05/2019 20:37

I'm almost 100% certain that he didn't do any coke at the wedding. I have to believe him when he said he didn't. My description of his behaviour to my friend had her saying he was just drunk.

I'm 199% certain that they weren't doing drugs this evening and that his friend wasn't here to do drugs.

I'm.not sure if he agreed with me about them not coming to the house.

I think I was being hormonal at after the wedding because I was so shocked about it. The thought of him doing coke makes me feel a bit icky but I don't know why!! Probably because it's not something I would ever do.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 29/05/2019 20:37

The fact that he instead chose to go behind your back was unreasonable on his part imo

What ask permission to have his friends round.

That really is so cringeworthy. To live like that, please mummy can I have my friends round. I promise they will behave.

Unless they are complete druggies they aint coming round to get high on a wed night in front of their baby in the living room for God's sake.

BackforGood · 29/05/2019 20:37

What Bluntness100 said.

I presume this is your dh's house too, and your dh's ds ? Does he not have any say in who he sees / is friends with ?spends time with ?
Imagine if a woman posted here about her husband choosing her friends for her and banning her from seeing long standing friends of hers Hmm

I would not tolerate drugs in the house. I would not stay with a partner who thought regular taking of drugs was okay, but I would not stay with a partner who told me who I could and couldn't be friends with either.

Bluntness100 · 29/05/2019 20:39

They passed 3 lines of coke to your husband. They’re his mates, they go out with him a lot. They had been out with him several times that evening. Why would they pass him a line if they knew he didn’t do it?

This. And here we have it, no one passes drugs to someone who doesn't do it. No one. Three lines? Your husband's a heavy user.

Original poster
CustardCreamLover · 29/05/2019 20:39

@Bluntness100 no I don't see my husband as my son. I see my son as my son 🤨.

I don't want drugs in my house, around my son or my husband on drugs in my house around my son. I think that as a responsible parent that's pretty normal. Maybe not for you?

OP posts:
BlackPrism · 29/05/2019 20:40

If your husband was bladdered then I doubt he had had any of the coke tbh. It tends to sober you up sharpish.

Treaclesweet · 29/05/2019 20:42

Lol he was definitely doing coke at the wedding. They didn't pass him the lines to look at.

Morgan12 · 29/05/2019 20:42

I think he was taking coke at the wedding. He had went outside for this 'smoke' several times. And they put out 3 lines and passed them over to him. Guilty imo.

Also you are massively overreacting to his friend being in your home. You say you don't want him around your son as though someone who takes coke recreationally might be contagious somehow?

KissUntilTheyDieOfRabies · 29/05/2019 20:42

Neither of us like drugs. I took copious amounts of speed and E as a late teen, at college etc but eff all that. There's experimentation and there's being an immature and thoughtless dick. I won't have anyone through our door who hasn't grown up. We have vulnerable kids under our roof and I can't risk anyone accidentally leaving something behind. And yes, it does happen.

MyKingdomForACaramel · 29/05/2019 20:42

Bluntness - not even a heavy user does 3 lines of coke at once!

BunnyJumps · 29/05/2019 20:43

Agree with Bluntness. We often choose friends similar to ourselves so it is possible he could be a regular user like them, especially as they do naturally passed the lines to him without thought.

Original poster
CustardCreamLover · 29/05/2019 20:43

3 lines = 3 people excluding me in the car.

I am maybe being a bit naive about him saying he didn't do any before I went out there with him. Probably why I panicked and shouted no about 20 times!!

I'm not dictating who he can be friends with. I'm saying I don't want druggies who take coke in my house with my son.

I would fully expect this if the situation was reversed.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 29/05/2019 20:44

I don't do drugs op and neither does my husband.

I'm sorry I don't know how to phrase it better. Your husband is a grown ass man. He makes his own choices. He clearly uses coke. No human who doesn't would be handed three lines, it would probably kill them.

His friends are not to blame. He is. Stop blaming them.

SinglePringle · 29/05/2019 20:44

Whilst I agree with most of the previous PP, I assumed the 3 lines were 1 x a line for each of the three blokes (husband plus 2 friends) and husband was just passed the mirror / flat surface first. Not that he was doing 3 lines.

But no, his mate is unlikely to be racking them out on a wet Wednesday night.

Bluntness100 · 29/05/2019 20:45

I'm saying I don't want druggies who take coke in my house with my son

Then kick your husband out.

Morgan12 · 29/05/2019 20:45

Do you think they were doing cocaine tonight? I'm pretty sure your DH wouldn't allow his friend around to do coke and partake himself when his child is there.

Can you describe his behaviour at the wedding which makes you certain he wasn't doing it?

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