To ban husband's 'friends' from our house

[CustardCreamLover]

When I was 5 months pregnant we went to a friend's wedding. While we were there my husband got completely bladdered. He had 3 friends there (all single and male) and they kept going outside to 'smoke' leaving me alone at our table with no one to talk to. Didn't bother me too much there was plenty to eat which of course being pregnant I was taking full advantage of!

However I was beginning to get bored so I went out with him when he went to smoke. It was cold (October) so we went and sat in the car. I wasn't really concentrating on what was going on until 3 lines of coke were passed to the front of the car where I was sitting with my husband.

I don't do drugs, never have, don't tolerate them and have never been confronted with coke before. I flipped out and shouted 'no' several times at my husband in my panic and then shouted at his friends to get out of my car. I then told him I was going home and he either came or he got a taxi home on his own. After half an hour having gone to get my coat he came back empty handed and we left. During that time the bride and groom came out to see me. How they knew I was out in the car I don't know I guess husband must have told them. I was mortified but they didn't seem to know why I was out there so I just covered and blamed my upset on pregnancy hormones.

The next day my husband couldn't remember what had happened (allegedly). I told him, he apologised a lot and I made it very clear that I didn't want those friends in our house ever again.

I've just got back from taking my mum to the airport to not only find one of those friends in our house but with my son as well (who is now 4 months old 😍).

AIBU to kick off at my husband about this? I told him I didn't want them here and he's blatantly ignored me and I certainly don't want them around my son but I'm wondering if I'm just being a bit over dramatic about it? At the time I was probably hormonal and having never been exposed to it a bit shocked as well.

I've kept my mouth shut for the moment and now I put it to Mumsnet to decide for me!!

Three lines? Your husband's a heavy user.

Yup.
I would actually be willing to put good money on your dh having taken quite a few lines that night, and probably every other night he goes out.

I can almost guarantee that he is a frequent user. If the 3 lines were meant for one each then why would the guy in the back, who prepared the 3 lines, not snort first before passing it on? His mate prepared 3 lines and gave it to your husband = all 3 lines were meant for him.
I think he is lying to you and just blaming his friends. Don't fall for it.
My husband used to like a line here and there until one night I packed his bag and kicked him out. It broke my heart and I felt horrible but girl, you need to do something to scare him. I dont know either of you personally, but that one time I completely flipped helped to scare him, and touch wood since then nothing ever happened. Its been 4 years since this incident. Saying that DH was never a frequent user. It used to happen 1 or 2 a year. I think you need to look out for signs, confront him and punish him. Also I totally agree with you, I hate this stuff so much its pathetic in my eyes.

*I'm saying I don't want druggies who take coke in my house with my son.

Oh dear, where is your husband going to live then?

You sound a bit like the parent of a badly behaved child, who insists it's the child's friends that are 100% to blame.*

This.

By the sounds of it, there were three people out there doing coke. And for some reason you have decided that two of them are druggies, who cannot enter somebody's living room without immediately proceeding to indulge, while the third (your husband) is a complete innocent who must be kept safe from these pernicious influences because he has no will of his own. Yes, that would be the husband who got so completely pissed that he has no recollection of the evening at all (so he claims) but whose friends clearly expected him to be up for the coke.

Nope. I'm sorry I couldn't care less how boring or unreasonable it makes me seem, no one is coming in my house with my kids that I know uses drugs even if they only do it at 'weddings'. I don't agree with it and they aren't the sort of people I want in my children's life. In my opinion if my partner was happy to have those sort of people around our children he doesn't have enough care for our children and he can sod off too. I had a large group of friends pre children who did coke wvery weekend, once I knew I wanted children I backed away from the friendships and dont see them at all now, I know at one of their weddings they all did coke in the toilets with kids around I don't want in my life. Yanbu but I think there's a good chance you partner is a regular user.

i dont have a tolerance fro drugs.there is no line me.recreational taking of coke,nope. no no no to all drugs of any kind and in any limits

It just a bit of coke. If you didn't know your DH was a recreational user then its definitely not a problem for him. But if it bothers you that much reach a compromise and just agree no drugs in the house. Its his house as well so you can't ban his friends.

Personally I think a lot of people do take drugs on special occasions recreationally but that doesn’t mean they’re on the stuff every weekend or during the week. If it was got as a special occasion thing I probably wouldn’t enforce the banned from the house rule but husband would be made aware that taking drugs is too big a risk when he now has responsibilities and that even for a special occasion that wouldn’t fly with me if I found out he’d been taking anything.
If, however, these friends of his are nothing but coke heads and that’s all they do then yes, absolutely tell them to get out and they are not welcome and certainly not to be around your child. You know your husband and his friends better than we do. Talk to your husband and explain why you feel concerned. He should understand. My friend hates drugs with a passion and her friend took bad coke on night and died. It happens and it wouldn’t be fair to your son to take such risks and leave him without a dad or have people who are not in their right mind around a child. Have a chat rather than blow up, it’s probably the best way forward.

I wouldn't see it as 'just a bit of coke'. It would be a game changer for me. It would tell me that my DH isn't the man I thought he was. I'd have to get to the bottom of it and decide what to do going forward.

OP please don't be blinded by your love for your DH. He was clearly taking coke that night and is pretending not to remember anything as you quite rightly have an issue with it. Don't kid yourself that his friemds are the bad boys who could lead him astray, he's already right there with them. You're never going to get solid 'proof' of his drug use because lets face it, you were oblivious before the wedding and now you're in denial.
It isn't controlling to decide what your limits and tell him if he crosses that line it's over. But banning his friends from your house is ridiculous, he will just go out to see them instead. What will you do then?

I was you once. Never did drugs myself but I turned a blind eye to DH's 'occasional' use; live and let live, I'm not his mother so I can't tell him what to do, etc. Never realised how bad it had got until it was too late. Now we are divorcing because he's addicted to alcohol and cocaine and his behaviour got so ridiculously extreme as to be dangerous to all around him.
So to all those mimimising cocaine use, wise up, it can and does destroy lives!

OP do not kid yourself that this isn't a big issue for you. You need to decide whether you want to bring up a child with a known drug user. And your DH needs to decide whether he prefers coke or living with his family. Do something now before your relationship ends up like mine.

I wish you luck.

You really think they would have offered drugs to your husband if he wasn't a user ? Stop kidding yourself - if you don't want druggies around your son, you need to get rid of your husband.

I think you’re being a bit over dramatic, borrowing one of your nans codeine is equally as illegal.

I liked coke at one point, now I work with people who’s lives it has ruined and I can’t help but see it as dirty. So I’m not totally disagreeing with you but I think if you’re going to label the friend a druggie you should probably point that finger at your husband too, cos if one is, so is the other.

FWIW, if this happened now in my life I’d have driven off and left my oh there. I have no tolerance about drugs now, a far cry from the beginning of our relationship

RTFT people!!

At no point have I asked for advice about my husband being addicted to coke he's not

My AIBU is about whether I overreacted banning his friends from the house.

I haven't banned him from seeing them!!!! I just don't want them in my house with my baby around which I think is perfectly reasonable thing to want.

I am well within my rights to dictate the type of people I want in my house. To be clear, I do not love my husband's friends. I do love my husband. Just for people making them comparable.

I'm not getting hysterical, thanks yo the PP who said that, I'm merely asking who I can reasonably ban from my house? What do they have to have done that's illegal before I can do that?

However, if you RTFT!!!!! You will all see that I have said multiple times that I'm not going to say anything to him. I was gone for half an hour, he knew what I was doing having said goodbye to my mum so I highly doubt he chose that exact moment to do some coke. Much easier would be to wait until I'm.in bed with the baby at 9pm!

I may well be in denial but I'm not kicking my husband and partner of 11 years and the father of my son out because of like what you all keep telling me may well just be a recreational few lines of coke at a wedding.

Don't get your knickers in a twist ladies, I'm taking your advice, I just think you're all a bit too lax with your morals!!

Thank you to those PPs who didn't all pile on me for completely the wrong reasons because you can't read

😁

Are you "banning" them because they don't meet your moral standards or because you think they are a risk to your son? Because your husband smoking is more of a risk to your son than his friends doing coke at the weekends.

I am not sure why you are being hounded on so much OP, I agree with you, I would not want people around my children that take drugs.

I used to hang out with some people who happily smoked Marijuana around their baby before I had my own children and to be honest it never crossed my mind the impact it had on that child until I fell pregnant with my first.

I stopped seeing them once I knew I was pregnant as it was not something I wanted to expose my child to and I sure as hell wouldn't have people in my home like that.

I do suspect that your DH is not as innocent as he says, his friends very openly passed him the drugs in front of you, probably assuming that you knew about it, otherwise they would have been more discreet.

It seems very, very unlikely that your DP doesn't take cocaine on occasion.

Realistically, cocaine use is quite common and it's likely that you have other friends, acquaintances or family members that have tried it and maybe still use on occasion. I think banning your husbands friends for it is extreme and, given your husband's likely status as a user, hypocritical.

And, in terms of actual risk to your child, I don't think your husbands friends present any more of a risk than people who sometimes drink to excess.

If it turned out that some of your friends occasionally took cocaine, or weed, or whatever, but never around your child, would you ban them too?

Occasional use at a special event does not mean your house is gonna turn in to some sort of crack den

So many spectacular over reactions

I don't get this

You dont want recreational drug users in your house. Even when they arent doing drugs.

And yet, your husband, who is clearly a recreational drug user, you dont mind living in the house and leaving your child with him.

I grew up with several friends who used coke occassionally. They know, I do not. They never racked me a line up and passed it to me. No one would set up a line for someone who doesnt do it. They were going outside to do coke. You do have the evidence. You just don't want to admit it.

This man isnt a bad influence on your husband. Your husband is an occasional coke user. I dont get how the friend cant visit for this reason, but your husband (who is more of an influence on your son and sole caree when you arent there) is fine.

I abhor drug taking so I would have had the same reaction as you if I saw drugs being passed around in my presence. I'd leave any party where there were drugs tbh.

However, banning his friends from the house is a bit OTT unless you suspect they are doing drugs in your house which my all accounts they are not.

In conclusion- you're being unreasonable. That concludes this TED talk

You don't get to ban people from your house because its not your house it belongs to you and your husband, You agree together who comes in or not. If you don't agree then that's a relationship issue.
Personally the drug thing is all a matter of degree - I don't do drugs and never have but I know people who do- socially/occasionally and also have known some addicts. I wouldn't want drugs in my house/drug use in my house - so would want to agree that as a rule and if the drug users were so addicted they couldn't go a couple of hours without drugs I probably wouldn't trust them not to take drugs in my house so they'd be effectively banned - but that doesn't sound the case here.

I think your bigger problem is that your DH obviously lies to you- about drug taking and whether he agrees with your rules. If you think that someone who is an occasional drug user (even if not actually using at that moment) is a danger to your son and shouldn't be in your house you need to talk to DH. if you think his friends can't be trusted not to be either under the influence (and therefore not responsible) or not to use or leave drugs around the place if they are in your house for just a couple hours- surely you have the same concerns re your DH who will be in the house for a lot longer and in sole charge of your DS as well (and also would lie to you about it)

Villageidiots, apparently I am keeping you company at being out of touch and amazed.

YNBU but you do need to see it as a DH issue not an issue with the friend DH had an old friend round a few years ago who brought her son with her (same age as DSS). Dh went outside to find her smoking weed in the garden. I didn't know until she'd left but went mad and made it clear that she is not welcome here again. He can see her somewhere else if he wishes. He was a bit taken a back but having pointed out that its drug use around DSS, her own son and her then driving home...he agreed. I also pointed out how disrespectful it is to bring drugs to someone else's home. Of course maybe this guy didn't have any drugs but without a stop and search you don't know. There is certainly enough history for discomfort

Yanbu. Anyone who takes or deals illegal drugs, or misuses legal drugs, is banned from my home too.

I'm in favour of wide legalisation and regulation of most substances, and believe competent adults can put what they like in their own bodies. But personally I don't want to touch any of it with a bargepole and everyone involved can stay happily outside my front door. In addition, the supply chain for something like cocaine also stinks of criminality and human rights abuses.

Your DH can be friends with them elsewhere if he likes. You should both be in agreement on people allowed in the family home.

Anyone who takes or deals illegal drugs, or misuses legal drugs, is banned from my home too.

Whilst I dont disagree. If OP takes this stance, her dog should also be banned from the house too. Definitely not be able to look the child alone.

I have RTFT OP, and I think it is you who is missing the point.

You don't want his friends around because they took coke at a wedding. If you hadn't been in the car, can you honestly say he wouldn't have? Can you honestly say he didn't in that half an hour?

Because as pp have said, it's unlikely his friends made him up a line (sorry I have no idea of the proper terminology) on a whim. They gave it to him, in front of his pregnant partner that he'd spilled vodka all over, because they didn't see an issue. Neither did he.

So you see, the type of people you want to ban from your home and being around your son, are the type of people your DP is. That's what I find strange, that you can't see that part.

Fair enough drugs being a deal breaker, they would be for me too. But to kid on your man is some kind of wide eyed innocent being led astray by his friends is laughable. He's a grown man.

Hate drugs. Id be unhappy about druggie friends in house but suspicious about DH. Sounds likely he does it behind your back.