To ban husband's 'friends' from our house

[CustardCreamLover]

When I was 5 months pregnant we went to a friend's wedding. While we were there my husband got completely bladdered. He had 3 friends there (all single and male) and they kept going outside to 'smoke' leaving me alone at our table with no one to talk to. Didn't bother me too much there was plenty to eat which of course being pregnant I was taking full advantage of!

However I was beginning to get bored so I went out with him when he went to smoke. It was cold (October) so we went and sat in the car. I wasn't really concentrating on what was going on until 3 lines of coke were passed to the front of the car where I was sitting with my husband.

I don't do drugs, never have, don't tolerate them and have never been confronted with coke before. I flipped out and shouted 'no' several times at my husband in my panic and then shouted at his friends to get out of my car. I then told him I was going home and he either came or he got a taxi home on his own. After half an hour having gone to get my coat he came back empty handed and we left. During that time the bride and groom came out to see me. How they knew I was out in the car I don't know I guess husband must have told them. I was mortified but they didn't seem to know why I was out there so I just covered and blamed my upset on pregnancy hormones.

The next day my husband couldn't remember what had happened (allegedly). I told him, he apologised a lot and I made it very clear that I didn't want those friends in our house ever again.

I've just got back from taking my mum to the airport to not only find one of those friends in our house but with my son as well (who is now 4 months old 😍).

AIBU to kick off at my husband about this? I told him I didn't want them here and he's blatantly ignored me and I certainly don't want them around my son but I'm wondering if I'm just being a bit over dramatic about it? At the time I was probably hormonal and having never been exposed to it a bit shocked as well.

I've kept my mouth shut for the moment and now I put it to Mumsnet to decide for me!!

I asked him again why there were 3 lines but he can't remember the night apparently. So either he did do it and can't remember or he didn't do it and can't remember or he did do it and is claiming he can't remember!!

I think that for everyone saying I can't dictate who comes into my house, where do we draw the line? Can I stop him bringing convicted criminals in? Murderers? I mean we get to the point where if he wanted to I'd probably ban him as well. But I do think I have a say in what kind of people I have in my house especially with a young baby here.

I know kick him out is trotted out a lot on mumsnet but I'm not going to get rid of my baby's father without hard evidence that he's a regular drug user. I'm pretty sure I'd know, he's not that clever to hide it!

As a PP said, it's really surprised me how normal people think doing a line of coke is. It's illegal just to remind you all!!

You are not being unreasonable.

No human who doesn't would be handed three lines, it would probably kill them
Lol at that comment.

I think you’re overreacting a bit op. I understand you have a zero tolerance attitude to drugs. That’s fine and obviously you are free to say you don’t want them in your house and around your son. You can’t, however, tell your DH who he can be friends with. As long as they know drugs won’t be tolerated in your home, they should be able to come over to visit your DH.

I also think you’re being naive in thinking your DH wasn’t taking the cocaine as well. If there were 3 men in the car, the three lines were racked up one for each of them.

Personally, I think you shouldn't have covered it up at the wedding.
Your problem is with your husband, though, not with the friend.

The difference is that fags and alcohol are legal, and drugs aren't, however much some people would like them to be.

Don't kid yourself that your DH couldn't hide it, my exes brother finds every excuse under the sun to pop into the attic, shed, car etc. for a line. He does it in the bedroom while she watches corrie downstairs. He does it all day every day and she's oblivious.

That being said, it's more likely your husband is on the more recreational end of the scale. Just because his mates had a bit at a wedding doesn't mean they are doing it in your living room in front of the baby!

I don't do drugs or even drink alcohol but if I banned from our home everyone I know who'd ever taken cocaine I'd have no friends.

Op...you dh has def done drugs and agree with everyone def at that wedding as he keep popping out. I never got why anyone take drugs as waste of money. For me that a hugh no no and id be gone. You cant ban dh friends though as thats controlling. Youve more important problems here. Do you want to live with dh who takes drugs. If you do great, if not...

Personally, I think you shouldn't have covered it up at the wedding.

what do you mean by this? Not covered it up how? Told the B&G, called the police?

YABU, controlling and silly. Yes, there are plenty of ethical problems with the damage done by the cocaine trade (most of which would be solved by decriminalisation) but there are ethical issues with most if not all luxury goods and entertainments.
But plenty of people can do the occasional line of cocaine at a party and not develop into raging addicts who would sell their own child for another line. It seems pretty unlikely that this friend of your H came round with a couple of grammes for the pair of them to snort together on a midweek evening and, while it would be fair enough to say to your H that you do not want any drugs taken in your house, and you would rather he didn't indulge any more, before you start banning his friends, are you sure about your own? Probably about half, if not more, young adults have at least tried E, coke, weed and maybe even LSD with no lasting ill effects.
And your ridiculous screaming tantrum at the wedding must have made you and your H look a right pair of idiots.

Coke doesn't necessarily make someone's behaviour out of the ordinary. My ex took some once when we were both out (he later told me) and I had no idea. He just seemed drunk to me.

I agree with pps who say you can insist on not tolerating drugs in your home but banning your husband's friends completely is more complicated. You can ask, but he can say no!

Fwiw I agree with your view. I dislike drugs and drug taking and these days wouldn't want much to do with anyone who takes them. But you need to decide how much you're prepared to tolerate here. I also think it's pretty certain your husband takes coke with these friends. They wouldn't just calmly offer him some if they knew he'd never had it before. You need to talk more to your dh about it all.

Also the 'Waa, but it's ILLEGAL' attitude is a fairly good stupidity indicator. Plenty of awful things are legal, plenty of harmless things illegal. It would take a combination of whiny meddlers and overzealous and underworked police officers for anyone to get nicked for a small amount of cocaine at a party, really, unless they were unlucky or ridiculously blatant about it.

I don't think you're being unreasonable, I'd feel the same way.

You have a right to choose who you and your child spend time with. If your husband agreed he wouldn't have this friend round, then he should have discussed it with you first. It's nothing to do with you playing 'mummy' (how ridiculous), it's about feeling safe and secure in your own home.

And I think you need to have an honest conversation with your husband about his recreational activities, sounds like something else is going on.

He was almost certainly doing coke. I have never done it, but have been to enough parties where people were.

I suspect he knew you’d react in the way that you did so is lying about it and hoping you’ll get over it. If he’s a good bloke who wants to stay with you, after your reaction-he probably won’t do it again.

I wouldn’t ban his friends from seeing him though-it’s his choice whether he sees them again-they’re his mates. If he can’t say no to them, it’s him you have the issue with, not them.

Cocaine is either a recreational drug used by otherwise quite normal people on a big night out ..
(Just wiper your finger along the toilet cistern of the VERY smart hotel in my very upper middle class town on a Friday/Saturday night)

OR
Your DH has a cocaine problem, in which case he would have pawned your furniture and you would be camped in orange boxes. There isn't very much in between.

If it's the former - leave him alone to make his own recreational choices a long with friend choices. As long as it doesn't harm your or child's welfare, then stop dictating his lifestyle choices.

If it's the latter - LTB

YANBU to not want drugs or people under the influence of drugs around your child.

However, his mate came round on a wednesday evening and presumably wasn't intending to do drugs or under the influence.

DH probably should have told you that X was going to come round and not snuck him round when you were out like a naughty schoolboy. But equally it is his house too and his choice who his friends are.

what, ask permission to have his friends round

No, discuss lifting the ban they had presumably agreed on previously. If he felt the ban was unreasonable he should have discussed it like an adult, rather than agree to it to her face and subvert it behind her back, which is a rather childish thing to do.

I'm saying I don't want druggies who take coke in my house with my son.

Oh dear, where is your husband going to live then?

You sound a bit like the parent of a badly behaved child, who insists it's the child's friends that are 100% to blame.

If your husband chooses to do coke I don't see how that is his friends fault. You are being very hypocritical as you freak out at drug users while being in a relationship with one and allowing them to parent your child. You may find your husband is "banned" from his friends houses for the same reason!

gosh I am another one finding this all very shocking . Mumsnet jumps with vitriol on a mother who drinks two glasses of wine while expressing her babies milk and yet is super tolerant of an illegal act and a drug that can ruin lives .

I would be sitting down with your OH and just setting out the boundries and try and get to the truth about his whole attitude to drugs .

Make it clear you want no illegal drugs in the house at anytime under any circumstances .

I must be out of touch. Completely amazed by the amount of people who aren't perturbed by a class A drug being taken. This would be a massive issue for me

.....and it would be for me too, but the issue would be around my dh using drugs, not about a friend who - as far as the OP can tell - is exactly the same sort of user as her dh. that is why the OP is being so unreasonable.
Either anyone who has ever taken a line of coke is so abhorrent to her that she can't go on living with her dh, and letting him be around the baby every day and night, look after him when she isn't there, etc. or she believes it was a one off thing they decided to try when drunk at a wedding, in which case why does she think there is any risk to her baby when the friend pops round midweek for a meal or to watch a match or whatever they were doing ?
Can't really have it both ways.

Plus, I personally would have been very unimpressed with my dh being "so bladdered" at a wedding that he can't be held accountable for his actions, and claims not to remember anything afterwards. Not really sure why the one drug is so abhorrent a person using it once at a wedding can never be seen again, when not an eye is blinked at the misuse of another drug to the extent he dh was incapable

I don't think a man who is known to like to take coke being present in your house is a problem per se, but I think the real issue is how much of it your dh is taking when he goes out partying. You can't pick his friends for him and you can't actually stop him taking coke if that's what he wants to do. I'm sorry - I've been in this situation and it has to be a decision based on if you can accept his choices

I think your intentions are correct OP however I also think you have had a major shock and refusing to consider your Hubby has more involvement in it than you care to believe (which is natural of course, to be defensive of our loved ones).

I look at it this way. In my younger years, drugs were openly bandied about between the group of friends my BF at the time hung out with. But they were like for like, they knew that their ''mate'' was up for a bong or whatever it was they were doing at the time and they didn't offer what they had to people who didn't partake, such as me. And they would keep ''going outside'' to top up if we were out as a group and I too would be left behind.

I think this is what happened with your Hubby (sadly for you) and he doesn't want to lie to you (thus why he cannot remember).

However, I don't think this was the first occasion he was offered coke by his friends either (and so openly in front of you). They must have assumed you knew what they do and wouldn't' be shocked.

How did they know you were not going to be home that night? Surely your Hubby knew to expect you home at some point? Does he owe them money?

Sorry OP but I think there is more to it. There is no reason for them to sneak behind your back otherwise and turn up (surprisingly) when you are not there. Mates normally wouldn't give a fig.

Can I stop him bringing convicted criminals in? Murderers

I think you're getting hysterical. To compare his mates who do a line of coke when out with murderers is ott.

We all know it's Illegal. The point everyone is trying to make to you is your husband is one of the people who do drugs. Banning his mates from your home isn't going to change that. They are not your problem. He is.

And you must understand on some level, that they won't be coming round your house to snort cocaine in front of your baby on a weekday night, that's crazy.

But I repeat again. The issue is not these men. It is not they chose to do coke when socialising. It's your husband does it and isn't telling you.

Stop blaming and banning them. It's all a bit silly.

I'm going to disagree with the general consensus here.

From knowing people and subsequently removing myself from any association, as your husband obviously does coke & knows your opinions on it, it's absolutely possible that he took advantage of your being out to get his mates round to do a few lines before you got back. On a Wednesday night in front of the telly. Whilst there is a small child present.

Cocaine is addictive chances are he's using and your not noticing a problem yet.
Ide kick him out as well I wouldn't want anyone who touched that stuff anywhere near me or my dc.

Lots of people dp and I know take drugs on nights out, we never touch the stuff and rarely go out tbh. I don't ban this people from being in my house. There not going to sit and take drug infront of my children or cause them any harm. I think you are being really dramatic.
If they were passing him lines to take, you can be pretty sure he's done it before, even if he hadn't that night. Are you going to ban him from being around your son aswell?