To ban husband's 'friends' from our house

[CustardCreamLover]

When I was 5 months pregnant we went to a friend's wedding. While we were there my husband got completely bladdered. He had 3 friends there (all single and male) and they kept going outside to 'smoke' leaving me alone at our table with no one to talk to. Didn't bother me too much there was plenty to eat which of course being pregnant I was taking full advantage of!

However I was beginning to get bored so I went out with him when he went to smoke. It was cold (October) so we went and sat in the car. I wasn't really concentrating on what was going on until 3 lines of coke were passed to the front of the car where I was sitting with my husband.

I don't do drugs, never have, don't tolerate them and have never been confronted with coke before. I flipped out and shouted 'no' several times at my husband in my panic and then shouted at his friends to get out of my car. I then told him I was going home and he either came or he got a taxi home on his own. After half an hour having gone to get my coat he came back empty handed and we left. During that time the bride and groom came out to see me. How they knew I was out in the car I don't know I guess husband must have told them. I was mortified but they didn't seem to know why I was out there so I just covered and blamed my upset on pregnancy hormones.

The next day my husband couldn't remember what had happened (allegedly). I told him, he apologised a lot and I made it very clear that I didn't want those friends in our house ever again.

I've just got back from taking my mum to the airport to not only find one of those friends in our house but with my son as well (who is now 4 months old 😍).

AIBU to kick off at my husband about this? I told him I didn't want them here and he's blatantly ignored me and I certainly don't want them around my son but I'm wondering if I'm just being a bit over dramatic about it? At the time I was probably hormonal and having never been exposed to it a bit shocked as well.

I've kept my mouth shut for the moment and now I put it to Mumsnet to decide for me!!

Here's where I think you have been unreasonable.
You made a tit out of yourself screaming No, No , No repeatedly when your husbands mates passed him a line at the wedding , which in my mind, the relaxed way they all went about it makes it pretty damn obvious he's done it before, and probably had for most of the night. Every time they had a "smoke".
( As an aside, you can actually be so drunk that cocaine will do nothing to cut through the booze, it just makes you think you are sober, coherent and can therefore drink more , while in reality you are staggering around like Leonardo Di Caprio in Wolf of Wall Street)

And no, I don't think you would be reasonable banning his friend from your house because your husband is a social drug user too , because you have no way of knowing if that individual has a regular habit or does it all the time or had drugs on him , because sometimes perfectly regular people use party drugs ( your husband) and often people save shit like that for special occasions( also your husband). And because you reacted so strongly at the wedding, I 'd imagine it's the first time any of them have shown their faces - as they might not have known how strongly you felt, and are a bit ashamed of themselves.

BUT you can absolutely ban any illegal substances crossing your doorstep and make it crystal clear that drug use in your house will not be tolerated. ( I think you may find you've already achieved this after the incident at the wedding, anyway ). I don't take cocaine, but I know some of my friends do. They wouldn't think of bringing it to my house, and my husband wouldn't think of turfing them out because of what they did at a wedding 8 months ago.

My rough list of acceptable individuals to ban from my home would be - should the opportunity arise - murderers who killed with intent , terrorists, cult leaders, rapists, child sex offenders, domestic abusers, people who make the hair on the back of my neck stand up, serious regular drug using junkies, people on meth, people who drink drive, racists , fundamentalist religious folk and I could think of a few more , but one of my husbands friends who occasionally took some coke WITH my husband - no.Wouldn't make my list.

My morals are flapping in the breeze with this one. I think you need to calm down a little , talk to your husband, and try not to put him in the position of choosing between you and his friends until you know more information.

I would firstly want to know why my dp wanted 'friends' like this in his life at all, and especially now he has a baby. You need a full debate about the kind of people you want in your life, you are right to be concerned that druggies tend to bring trouble in the shape of debts and dealers at the very least, your baby should not be around anyone taking drugs full stop.

So why has this obvious fact not occurred to your dp?

Why is he so okay with having this around his child?

And why is it okay for you to both agree they would no longer be welcome, only for him to break the agreement?

I would never find this acceptable either, so you put boundaries in place (again) to protect your child, and if he continues to ignore them, then you have a much bigger problem than his friends op.

Wedding sounds awful, I can understand why you didnt enjoy it. Also I have never taken drugs and would be worried sick about my husband if I found out he did.

However i would not ban the friends from my house unless I believed they would be a danger to my child, if you are sure that wouldn't take drugs there then I don't see the need to ban them.

You have asked if you are allowed to ban criminals, the other extreme is who else is banned? Smokers? People who speed? People who vote differently? Binge drinkers?

If you believe your child is in danger and your dh wouldn't ban them himself then that is a problem. But it sounds like you know they weren't taking drugs at your house so I would not ban them based on one flaw that doesn't put your son in danger.

The bit that makes no s3nse to me is this

However I was beginning to get bored so I went out with him when he went to smoke. It was cold (October) so we went and sat in the car. I wasn't really concentrating on what was going on until 3 lines of coke were passed to the front of the car where I was sitting with my husband.

Firstly, if you were pregnant why would you sit in a stationary car with 3 people who were smoking when you could have gone anywhere

Secondly, how could you possibly not notice if the weren’t smoking therefore what did you think they were doing.

You don't get to ban people from your house because its not your house it belongs to you and your husband, You agree together who comes in or not. If you don't agree then that's a relationship issue.

Totally agree.

It’s a bit of a leap to assume a line or two at a wedding = habitual user who’s snorting by the gram on a random weekday evening in front of babies. I’ve been known to dabble at festivals etc but otherwise it’s not in my life at all. Think you need to unclench a bit OP.

OP your reaction is disproportionate and your DH obviously agrees. I don't think it would be reasonable to attempt to ban someone from your house anymore than it would be to leave your DH over a few lines of coke at a wedding. Pregnancy hormones make us react poorly at times, but it's best that you don't carry that reaction any further, the reasonable response to this would be to say no drugs in the house, not no friends in the house.

I think you need to calm down a bit. DH obviously uses a bit here and there if they casually chopped out 3 lines, one for him. recreational drug users aren't all addicts or in the same boat as meth heads for example. I've very occasionally dabbled in cocaine in the past and don't really like it these days, and probably will never use it again. Highly unlikely that they'd be getting on it on a Wednesday night at your house, ffs!
I agree that it would have been a shock, you seeing it for the first time but I can see why he's kept it from you if you literally screeched at him in front of his friends. I'd be more worried about DH being a regular smoker or excessive drinker tbh, health wise (legality aside, of course)
Are you going to ban your husband from being in your house and around your kids too? Perhaps this will change your views on drug users slightly, i.e. you may still not like it or agree with it but they are not all sat in crack dens shooting up heroin.....

Gosh, if I banned everyone from my house from AA or CA, I'd lose 50% of my friends. They all have the desire to stop but there are relapses. I agree that I definitely wouldn't allow anyone in who was actively using ... but plenty of these people have criminal records from the past too. I've never taken any drug, luckily as I'd probably have become addicted - in fact someone once texted me during the night saying "I have some good Coke - shall I come over?" and iPhone capitalised it, so my genuine first thought was "is it Diet?".

I think it would be extremely difficult to ban anyone from your house based on past or occasional behaviour, unless they complete a checklist at the door. Do you drink at home? In my experience, alcohol ruins far more lives than occasional drug use. And as others have said, it's your DH's house too. He could impose similar bans on your friends, based on different criteria of which he doesn't approve.

That said though, I do think your husband sounds like an inconsiderate tit to leave you sat alone pregnant at a wedding to disappear with his mates all night, wether he was taking drugs or not that's just plain rude and neglectful.

Also remember your pregnancy hormones could be making this feel worse than it is.

Why did you keep screaming no? Surely once would have got the point across. You sound extremely over dramatic.

This thread has just explained to me why we have such a high divorce rate in the UK and why we have a snowflake generation.

It really seems like no one who has disagreed with me would care about their children being around regular drug users? No one knows my husband today if he is or not. I do however and I also know that his friends are. One of them even admitted to me afterwards that he has problem.

I only vaguely know one of them. They are 3 single men, mid 30s who apparently do class A drugs for fun. I'm not in the UK but this makes it really problematic for them to find partners and wives.

I don't care that I was being unreasonable in my reaction at the time. That wasn't up for debate. Neither was if my husband is regular user.

PP they weren't smoking in the car. It was cold and raining so we were sitting getting warm. They were in the back. We were at a wedding so I wasn't going to drive off anywhere.

Anyway, again I'll write RTFT. I've mentioned several times that I'm not going to say anything.

So he's a smoker and potentially an occasional cocaine user.

I wouldn't be worried about his friends being around the baby...

Why does your husbands cocaine use explain the high divorce rate in the UK? And how does anyone's response to it show them as a snowflake?

It really seems like no one who has disagreed with me would care about their children being around regular drug users? No one knows my husband today if he is or not. I do however and I also know that his friends are. One of them even admitted to me afterwards that he has problem.

How does the people who disagree with you, mean they dont care about drug users around their children and explain the divorce rate or snowflake generation?

I disagree with you because its hypocritical. You know your husband was takking cocaine that night. Yet you leave your child in the care of him. Whilst not wanting someone else who did the same in the house or around the child at all. That does mean my child is around regular drug users.

But yes, I do think taking cocaine is a reason to divorce someone. You are being so harsh to the friend, whilst over looking your husbands drug use.

You dont want to be around these friends and yet he opened up to you and told you he has a problem? Really?

Your sons will be influenced more by is father and his fathers occassionally drug use, than anything this friend could do.

Again how does any of this explain the high divorce rate or the snowflake generation?

I can only assume what you mean is, it doesnt matter what your husband does you wouldnt consider divorcing him. In which case he might as well bring his friend into the house. It's his house too, so in fact if he doesnt want to agree with you and still has the friend round. There isnt there anything you can do.

Or do you consider that worse than taking drugs.

It really seems like no one who has disagreed with me would care about their children being around regular drug users

It's you who is having children with a drug user OP. I've disagreed with you, so you assume I am happy to have drug users around my children? Oh the irony when you share your life with one!

PP they weren't smoking in the car. It was cold and raining so we were sitting getting warm. They were in the back. We were at a wedding so I wasn't going to drive off anywhere.

You were at a wedding. Went outside so they could smoke. Got cold so all went and sat in your car?

Rather than going back to the actual wedding. Tbh, if I saw someone doing that my first though would be drugs or possible car bar. But I would probably assume you were all taking drugs.

You are unreasonable, and hysterical and quite frankly blind to what your husband is doing.

Good luck not having drug users around your baby. Ask him to do a drugs test, surely he’ll agree?

Op, no one thinks you should divorce your husband ffs. What's being pointed out is the illogical reaction you're having"

You want to ban his friends from your house for doing some coke at a wedding. However when it comes to your husband, apparantly that's ok he can do a few lines at a wedding or whatever. Because you love him.

What no one understands is the friends doing it makes them druggies unsafe round kids, but it means your husband is fine. If your husband isn't a problem, then neither are they.

It's so utterly illogical to think that your husband and these men displayed the exact same behaviour ,,,so the men aren't safe round your kid or allowed in your house, but your husband is totally not a problem.

You’re minimising your husband's drug use by blaming his friends for his actions. What people are repeatedly pointing out is the inconsistency in banning the friends but leaving your husband in charge of your child, when he’s as complicit in recreational drug use as they are.

Also, he sounds like a pillock, leaving aside drug use — repeatedly abandoning you by yourself at a wedding to ‘smoke’ with his friends, getting so drunk he spilled vodka on his pregnant wife, and claims not to even remember what he did that evening?

I agree with everything @Bluntness100 has said op.

Surely, if your dh is an inexperienced novice when it comes to taking coke, then being offered lines when I'm the car would probably be something so shocking or surprising that he would remember it, despite being drunk. The fact that he "can't remember" either means that it's nothing out of the ordinary, or that he's a big fat liar.

I don't care that I was being unreasonable in my reaction at the time. That wasn't up for debate.

Posting on ‘am I being unreasonable’ and then saying you don’t care if you’re being unreasonable seems a little odd.

You can't control who your husband is friends with, but you do have a say about who comes into your house and who is around your son. I wouldn't have them round either, because I think drug use is shitty. So from that perspective I don't think YABU.

However, in my experience, people don't often share their drugs with people who don't want to share their drugs. It's a waste. So I would be questioning whether it's something your husband does actually do on occasion. At which point, you have a bigger issue than him bringing some dodgy mates round.

"PP they weren't smoking in the car. It was cold and raining so we were sitting getting warm. They were in the back. We were at a wedding so I wasn't going to drive off anywhere."

How does that even make sense?

They went outside to "smoke" & then didn't go back inside?

So they were doing drugs when they went outside?