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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ban husband's 'friends' from our house

168 replies

CustardCreamLover · 29/05/2019 20:21

When I was 5 months pregnant we went to a friend's wedding. While we were there my husband got completely bladdered. He had 3 friends there (all single and male) and they kept going outside to 'smoke' leaving me alone at our table with no one to talk to. Didn't bother me too much there was plenty to eat which of course being pregnant I was taking full advantage of!

However I was beginning to get bored so I went out with him when he went to smoke. It was cold (October) so we went and sat in the car. I wasn't really concentrating on what was going on until 3 lines of coke were passed to the front of the car where I was sitting with my husband.

I don't do drugs, never have, don't tolerate them and have never been confronted with coke before. I flipped out and shouted 'no' several times at my husband in my panic and then shouted at his friends to get out of my car. I then told him I was going home and he either came or he got a taxi home on his own. After half an hour having gone to get my coat he came back empty handed and we left. During that time the bride and groom came out to see me. How they knew I was out in the car I don't know I guess husband must have told them. I was mortified but they didn't seem to know why I was out there so I just covered and blamed my upset on pregnancy hormones.

The next day my husband couldn't remember what had happened (allegedly). I told him, he apologised a lot and I made it very clear that I didn't want those friends in our house ever again.

I've just got back from taking my mum to the airport to not only find one of those friends in our house but with my son as well (who is now 4 months old 😍).

AIBU to kick off at my husband about this? I told him I didn't want them here and he's blatantly ignored me and I certainly don't want them around my son but I'm wondering if I'm just being a bit over dramatic about it? At the time I was probably hormonal and having never been exposed to it a bit shocked as well.

I've kept my mouth shut for the moment and now I put it to Mumsnet to decide for me!!

OP posts:
RiddleMeThis2018 · 29/05/2019 20:49

I dunno. A line of coke at a wedding. I couldn’t get worked up about that.

TrendyNorthLondonTeen · 29/05/2019 20:50

If you don't want anyone who's done drugs around your son, better start looking at your husband. They wouldn't have passed him coke at the wedding if they didn't expect him to take it!

Constance1234 · 29/05/2019 20:50

I don't want drugs in my house, around my son or my husband on drugs in my house around my son. I think that as a responsible parent that's pretty normal. Maybe not for you?

I don’t really understand why you think your husband’s friend is doing coke in your house on a Wednesday evening? Also you can’t ban your husband’s friends from your house just because they did coke at a wedding. A ridiculously controlling and over the top reaction. Your husband was obviously up for the coke that night and has more than likely taken drugs with these friends before, so why aren’t you describing him as a ‘druggie’ and trying to ban him from his own house??

Original poster
CustardCreamLover · 29/05/2019 20:51

I don't know if he did it or not I don't have any experience of someone being on coke having never been exposed to it.

Like @Blackprism said, my friend said if he was bladdered then probably not on coke as well. And he was absolutely pie-eyed. He spilt vodka all over me and didn't even realise.

To be honest looking back it was a pretty shit night. His friends kept trying to get me to dance with them. I was knackered and I can't stand being touched by people who aren't my husband or family (@Bluntness100, something else for you to comment on 😉).

I'll probably just leave it. Like I said, I'll let Mumsnet decide!!

OP posts:
Parker231 · 29/05/2019 20:51

How are you going to stop your DH having his friends at the house? I assume it is also his home? Your DH is an adult and decides on his own friends. Whether or not your DH is a drug user is another issue.

SunshineCake · 29/05/2019 20:53

Drugs at a wedding are very tacky.

Morgan12 · 29/05/2019 20:54

3 lines wouldn't kill him 😂 but he certainly wouldn't have been acting pie eyed after them.

Maybe wasn't taking it at the wedding if he was as drunk as you say but I'd bet my left hand he does do it with these friends.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 29/05/2019 20:54

I don't want druggies who take coke in my house with my son

Unfortunately you've already got one - your husband

Personally I'd focus on his drug use rather than that of his friends; you can't do anything about their choices, but you can certainly decide what you want to do about his

Nottheduchess · 29/05/2019 20:55

Why do you think he took drugs into your home? Just because he had a couple of lines at a wedding doesn’t mean he carries a stash around on him at all times. If your OH is telling the truth and he hasn’t at any time taken Coke, he is still allowed to have friends around and you should trust him to be a good parent and not allow them in his house. Don’t you trust him to look after your DC?

churchthecat · 29/05/2019 20:56

A line of coke once in a blue moon at a wedding doesn't equate to him doing coke in your living room in front of your child.

I think YABU tbh.

TixieLix · 29/05/2019 20:56

I don't think YABU OP. I wouldn't want a drug user in my home either. You can't stop your DH being friends with them, but you can have a say in who you want in your home. I'd ban anyone who was racist, homophobic, drug user, or had any other vile habits.

WiddlinDiddlin · 29/05/2019 20:59

Mm..

I think YABU about him having his friends in the house, based on what you've said so far.

Cocaine is a recreational drug taken when out, partying.

It is not a 'sitting around the house' drug, that would be an enormous waste of money.

HOWEVER...

I am 100% certain your husband does use cocaine, regularly, with these friends, and was doing so at the wedding - which is why they cut him a line in the back of the car and passed it forward for him, without asking, without saying anything.

If he had never taken coke and they were offering him a line, there would have been conversation around this at the time, and there was none - ergo, your husband uses cocaine sufficiently often enough that its normal for him and his friends.

THAT would be my issue, the fact he does this and was not open and honest about it before you got married and had a kid, and that he has continued to lie or pretend to know nothing about it!

Villageidiots · 29/05/2019 21:00

God. I must be out of touch. Completely amazed by the amount of people who aren't perturbed by a class A drug being taken. This would be a massive issue for me and yanbu.

PawPawNoodle · 29/05/2019 21:01

OP - you tend to rack out coke for whoever has agreed to take it, so if it was just his mates in the back doing it there'd have been either 2 or 4 lines there.

Also, the quality of the coke would affect how sobering it is, so if its shit coke and he's done one or two lines then it's not going to make that much of a difference to how drunk he is but it was probably the only thing stopping him chucking up by the sounds of it

In regards to your AIBU, I mirror other people's sentiment that your partner is a big boy now and can decide who he wants around him, and I doubt they were doing lines off your son's changing mat on a dreary Wednesday evening. I would let this anger go and have a conversation about expectations at future boozy gatherings.

dollydaydream114 · 29/05/2019 21:01

Personally I think coke is absolutely rank and I wouldn't want to be married to someone who was into it. But then, I also think smoking is rank and I probably wouldn't marry a smoker either.

However, just because someone does coke at a party, that doesn't mean they're going to be doing it at your house on a Wednesday night when there's a baby present, or even that they'll have any coke on them. I'm sure plenty of people I know must have done coke on a night out with friends, but I wouldn't ask or care. I certainly wouldn't ban them from my house on a quiet Wednesday night when they're quite clearly not actually doing drugs.

You need to face up to the fact that your husband was definitely doing coke at the wedding though. They didn't pass him a line on the off-chance.

Sparkletastic · 29/05/2019 21:04

Meh.
He's done coke with them before that's why they racked up for the 3 of them.
You probably couldn't tell if he's done it around you before if he's not a heavy user.
Only you can decide if this is a deal breaker.

DoingItForTheKids · 29/05/2019 21:04

I've done coke in the past, in my 20s, years and years ago. I have friends that know this and when we are together on big nights out, they always offer it to me. I decline.

I'd say your partner has 100% done coke with those friends in the past. That doesn't mean he is a heavy user, or at it regularly now. It may mean he does it every now and then.

Did you like his friends before this or have they always been the sort of people you wished he wouldn't hang around with?

Jimjamjong · 29/05/2019 21:04

YANBU, I wouldn't want this friend in my house and would make it very clear that if any drug was to be used again I would end the relationship with immediate effect.

EmeraldShamrock · 29/05/2019 21:05

I think yabu. More than likely your DH had a line earlier in the evening, his mate wouldn't have decided to offer it there and then
Those smoke breaks were coke breaks.
Again unless there is a backstory of a serious drug habit, I'd let it go, it is really bad form to dictate who can visit.

drowningincustard · 29/05/2019 21:09

Sounds like you have not had a proper conversation with your husband before jumping on here.
Where does he stand on the topic of recreational drug taking - does he do it on a night out, has he done it in the past, does he ever do it at home or in other peoples homes. What does he think of it - acceptable part of normal life or does he just go along with his friends because he gives in to peer pressure. Assuming he tells you he has no problem with it - how much is this an issue between the two of you...
Basically you need to communicate with him and both of you decide where your line in the sand is. Not this silly banning of friends in the house and treating him like a child.
For what its worth - its one of my deal breakers. A drug taking husband/partner - not for me and I would walk away... I could not turn a blind eye and be 'cool' with it as an activity my partner does when not with me.

HopeIsNotAStrategy · 29/05/2019 21:10

YANBU, ignore all the cool kids on the block. You are there and they are not, and if you are uncomfortable trust your instincts.

Being a parent means stepping up a generation overnight and having to be responsible. ( So incidentally does the death of a parent). These are seminal moments, and so far he hasn’t got a clue. You are not wrong to want to protect your child - trust your instincts and good luck. 💐

ElderMillenial · 29/05/2019 21:10

This is almost embarrassing to read.

Do you think all people that take cocaine at a wedding are druggies that are unable to function in the real world?

I myself don't take drugs but I also don't live in a bubble.

People recreationally take cocaine at weddings or on a night out. This does not mean they will always have cocaine on them, take it daily or be addicted.

If you found out your husband did take cocaine that night, would it mean everything else you knew about him was wrong and he suddenly was lumped in this other category of degenerates that you have created?

If you have genuine reason to believe this friend does have an addiction then you can say you don't want him in your shared home or around your child but as PPs have said... if he is just a normal person who uses cocaine occasionally then banning him from the house is unfair on the husband you share a house with.

Dogparty · 29/05/2019 21:11

I’m with you OP, I will not tolerate any drugs in or around my home. Especially not around my child! I wouldn’t ‘ban’ the friends but I would make it clear that they will not bring it to the house. It sounds like your husband is a drug user. I would go ballistic if my husband took drugs but he has the same view as me so I doubt that will ever happen. A lot of people think drugs are acceptable but I don’t!

diddl · 29/05/2019 21:13

So when you say that your husband & friends kept going for a "smoke"-what does that mean?

Obviously not smoking or you wouldn't have gone & sat in the car!!

PeoniesarePink · 29/05/2019 21:14

I think it's probably a regular thing between them all, OP, being completely honest. They gave him a line knowing he'd use it.

And no I wouldn't have them in my home, without or without my DC being there. Using drugs is pathetic and irresponsible.

Your issue is that your DH isn't listening to you. And was prepared to use even though you were pregnant and with him.

Not sure if I could live with that, tbh.

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