To ban husband's 'friends' from our house

[CustardCreamLover]

When I was 5 months pregnant we went to a friend's wedding. While we were there my husband got completely bladdered. He had 3 friends there (all single and male) and they kept going outside to 'smoke' leaving me alone at our table with no one to talk to. Didn't bother me too much there was plenty to eat which of course being pregnant I was taking full advantage of!

However I was beginning to get bored so I went out with him when he went to smoke. It was cold (October) so we went and sat in the car. I wasn't really concentrating on what was going on until 3 lines of coke were passed to the front of the car where I was sitting with my husband.

I don't do drugs, never have, don't tolerate them and have never been confronted with coke before. I flipped out and shouted 'no' several times at my husband in my panic and then shouted at his friends to get out of my car. I then told him I was going home and he either came or he got a taxi home on his own. After half an hour having gone to get my coat he came back empty handed and we left. During that time the bride and groom came out to see me. How they knew I was out in the car I don't know I guess husband must have told them. I was mortified but they didn't seem to know why I was out there so I just covered and blamed my upset on pregnancy hormones.

The next day my husband couldn't remember what had happened (allegedly). I told him, he apologised a lot and I made it very clear that I didn't want those friends in our house ever again.

I've just got back from taking my mum to the airport to not only find one of those friends in our house but with my son as well (who is now 4 months old 😍).

AIBU to kick off at my husband about this? I told him I didn't want them here and he's blatantly ignored me and I certainly don't want them around my son but I'm wondering if I'm just being a bit over dramatic about it? At the time I was probably hormonal and having never been exposed to it a bit shocked as well.

I've kept my mouth shut for the moment and now I put it to Mumsnet to decide for me!!

I have no interest in drugs but many people do take coke at parties. I completely understand you saying no drugs in your house but I don't think you can ban your husband's friends coming to his house. I have friends who have taken coke and if my husband dared to ban them from my house I'd probably want to leave him for being so controlling.

"They passed 3 lines of coke to your husband. They’re his mates, they go out with him a lot. They had been out with him several times that evening. Why would they pass him a line if they knew he didn’t do it?"

Yup. Indeed.

Your husband is a user. So if you wanna kick out the "druggies " then kick him out too whilst your at it.

I'm asking how can i leave my husband and father of my baby without knowing for 100% certainty that he's a class A drug user?

Well to be fair you do know. We know. You know. He knows you know. His mates know you know. With 100 percent certainty you know. What you don't know is how often he does it. Pretending you don't know without proof is just a way to pretend he might not be.

Personally I don't think this is a marriage ender, but we all have different red lines. The lying to me would be potentially a marriage ender to me though. Again we all have different red lines. You'l accept the bare faced lies as long as he does admit to doing drugs.

I, for example, and nearly every single person on here, can't imagine banning our husbands having friends visit because they did a line of coke at a wedding. Especially when it's very obvious the husband does coke too. None of us also can't imagine hesitating to ask him, and Or can't imagine putting up with the lying to your face.

But you need to do you and if you prefer to accept his lies and pretend he doesn't ever take coke and his friends are the bad guys who should be banned from your home, then crack on.

Ok Op - frame it this way...

“I was a wedding yada yada - my dh kept popping outside with his friends to admire the flowers. I went outside to admire along with them and suddenly my dh has a cigarette in his mouth and his friend (who I’ve never seen smoke before - so could be on 40 a day, or may only smoke when drunk at a wedding) was holding a lighter to the cigarette that had appeared in dh’s mouth.

Aibu to ban this friend from the house as I don’t like any form of smoking whether occasional or constant.

• you see the issue?

I feel like I need a line reading this damn thread...

Too many overreactions to count!

'm a highly educated middle-aged middle class professional. I would actually think it quite odd if someone has never done any drugs.

Oh dear. I must know a lot of odd people.

The 'snowflakes' post was cringe.

OP, I don't think many/any are saying you should leave your DH; they are pointing out the hypocrisy of you banning people from your house, because they took cocaine at a wedding, when your DH was apparently joining in.

And do you think your DH should be banned from other people's houses? He's almost certainly a 'druggie' after all.

If it had been one of your friends, and you had no reason to believe they would be under the influence when visiting your home, would you ban them?

First baby OP?

It's good that you want an open and honest discussion with him. I think that will be a great step for you as a couple.

Do you have similar upbringings? I think before you have this discussion, you need to work out what you are ok with and what you are not and then stick to it. I think you are within your rights to say "I didn't realise you used cocaine recreationally and I am very uncomfortable with you using again now you are a father."

We will be here if you need to work through a few items that are discussed.

I have read everything on this thread, and had when I posted, as I suspect most people have. It seems it is you, OP, who has not.
Poster after poster have been really clear that YABVU about your hypocrisy.

The fact that you say these people can't ever come to your house because you have seen them with drugs, yet your dh lives there with you and is left alone with your baby even though he has clearly used drugs.
There is a division on the thread as to how seriously people take the fact some people take illegal drugs, but everyone agrees that you can't ban anyone from the house who has ever taken drugs anywhere whilst having your dh there. Overwhelmingly the advice hasn't been to get divorced at all. The advice is to be honest with yourself.

This statement
This thread has just explained to me why we have such a high divorce rate in the UK and why we have a snowflake generation.
just makes you sound completely bonkers.

Of course you should talk to your dh.

I also agree with all the posters questioning why you get to ban people from your home, which is presumably just as much your dh's home.

Who takes coke to a wedding?!

It’s not he can’t remember if he took coke that night, he’s just not telling you as he’s scared you will fly off the handle and go absolutely insane with rage. You’ve already banned his friends who take coke - maybe he’s scared you might ban him too? Either way - your sound controlling and like his mother.

Do you think all people that take cocaine at a wedding are druggies that are unable to function in the real world?

This. I'm not saying it's a great thing but I know many many people (including very loving responsible parents by the way) who would have a line of coke once a year at a party or a festival when they don't have to look after a child. This doesn't make them "druggies" who would take coke to your family home on a week night. Cocaine is a recreational drug, most people who take it do so very infrequently, a few people do develop problems but rarely.

Shocked as you and some other PPs may be, it is worth listening to posters who do actually have some experience in this area as they can give you perspective on how this works. It isn't like heroin, and it isn't that unusual - I'm sure you know more people who take it once in a while than you think you do.

I agree with a PP that said a conversation with your husband is in order. He clearly was taking it that night or at least has with them in the past as otherwise that would have unfolded differently in the car, and it seems he probably has a different attitude to recreational drug taking from yours. That's not to say you are wrong - you feel the way you do about it and each to their own, but I'd stay step back a bit and have a calm chat with him to find out the actual situation without jumping to the worst conclusion.

This thread has just explained to me why we have such a high divorce rate in the UK and why we have a snowflake generation.

OK, now you just sound like a nasty, judgy thing. Stop.

I think the husband told his mates his wife was totally cool with him snorting coke as well.

Given the fact that they passed him it right in front of her.

You know like kids will say 'yeah mum and dad will let me do xyz' when they wouldnt they just dont want to admit it.

"Oh dear. I must know a lot of odd people."

Me too!

As well as being one myself

You could ask your H to take a drug screening test.

There is a reason some companies ban alcohol & drugs (but not smoking) and insist on drug tests because both alcohol & drugs can impact a person's ability to perform normally. I wouldn't want anyone around my children who did drugs. I wouldn't want a partner who did drugs. I also don't want a partner who is a liar and untrustworthy. Do a test and then you know.

You don't need to be thinking about divorce right now. You just need to talk to your dh. Like a pp said, just tell him you were shocked and upset to find out he was taking cocaine. (If he denies it then just say you were shocked his friends obviously think he does.)

Tell him you don't want drugs in your house and that you're not comfortable with his friends coming round either given their attitude to drugs. Take it from there and see where the conversation goes.

It doesn't matter what other people's views are. Other people are fine with taking coke at parties or nights out. I'm not. Like you I wouldn't want drugs anywhere near me or my children. I think it's fine to have expectations about your home/life. You just need to be on the same page and that's what you need to be working out with your dh.